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Born in the 50s

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Camp Widow San Diego

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social security widow/widower benefits

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Crazy - taxes

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Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on May 17, 2019 at 2:12pm

To all those in Year Two:  Please be aware that it is not uncommon for the second year to be worse than the first.  It is in the second year that it all starts to become real.  The numbness has worn off, the logistics have been taken care of, perhaps you have started going through belongings and clothes, and then it's "Now what?"  What I will say is that in the third year it does get better for most people.  And this is where resilience comes in.  We realize that we have no choice but to make something of the lives that lay in front of us.  This doesn't mean we forget.  It doesn't mean we don't get sad.  But if you can find good friends, find a way to enjoy things in this new life, it does get better.

I am 5-1/2 years into this now.  I notice that I am not thinking about my husband every minute of the day anymore.  I moved 500 miles away after two years.  I made new friends, I retired a year ago, and I have a life.  I still wish my husband were still here, but with a caveat -- not if he were still depressed and angry and we were  dealing with multiple illnesses.  And the truth is that if he had not had a stroke, his life would still have been diminished by having this moyamoya disease, and he likely would have already died from a recurrence of bladder cancer by now.  At the very LEAST, he would have been horribly depressed.  But if he could come back the way he was when we were  young, when he was funny and fun?  Absolutely.  But that's not going to happen.

And learning how to enjoy the new life has yet another set of feelings, including guilt.

Comment by CarLady on May 17, 2019 at 7:24am

Ultra2015 - I understand the vehicle connection so well.  I bought my DH a Toyota RAV4 (I worked for Toyota) about a year before he became ill with AML leukaemia. He loved that vehicle so much. When he was ill I drove him almost daily to appointments for transfusions, I never drove his vehicle before then. After he passed I gave my sedan to my daughter and kept his RAV, but every time I drove it I saw Bill in the passenger seat curled up with his feet on the dash.  After a year I just couldn’t cope and gave his RAV to our son, who has it still and loves driving his dad’s car.  I bought myself a new RAV as the body style had changed; I loved the vehicle but I wanted to let go of thinking of Bill as critically ill. He was only ill for 14 months; at diagnosis he was only given 2 months but he was a strong, healthy outdoorsman all his life and that’s how he would want to be remembered.  

tekwriter - I agree. 5.5 years without my Bill feels like punishment, but I know he was not ready to leave us and he fought to his last day.  I keep reminding myself he is the one who’s been punished for no reason and is missing out, missing us, missed his daughter’s wedding, and will miss the birth of our first grandchild this summer.  He deserved to live a full life, but life isn’t fair.  Cancer should be the fate of serial killers and monsters.  

I think this year I’m finally emerging from 5 years of depression. I didn’t realize until recently how deeply I’ve been down - you can’t see it until a light appears at the end of the tunnel and you’re able to look back.  Hugs to all in the tunnel. Have faith you will reach a better place if you take it one day at a time. 

Its Victoria Day weekend here in Canada, the start of summer season although it sure hasn’t felt like it weather wise.  Peace to all my sisters and brothers in widowhood. 

Comment by KJPE on May 17, 2019 at 7:04am

I've got it too - the unverbalized deal that says, OK now that I've been through ______________ it's time to come back & make this all be over.  Our 34th anniversary is tomorrow & I'm crying a lot.  First one since he's been gone.  I'm with you, LP, Tekwriter, Ultra 2015.

Comment by LP on May 17, 2019 at 6:54am

Yes, I'm going through that too in my second year - i feel no enthusiasm for anything. Don't get me wrong - I have tried - went on a hiking holiday in Mallorca with a good friend, met friends for coffee and dog walks etc. I've tried the "fake til you make it" approach but it doesn't work. If anything, it just points up the gulf between how I feel inside and the world around me (which gets on with life). Nothing seems to get me out of that "meh" attitude to everything. And yes, I think we all have that feeling after the first anniversary of "OK, I've done my time mourning, I want my reward now(the loved one back alive)". And the realisation that it's not going to happen, not now, not ever, is a killer.

Comment by Tekwriter on May 17, 2019 at 6:39am

I wish I had thought of "okay you have been dead long enough, you can come back now". I wish it worked that way. but nope. I am past my first anniversary. I am past my irrational anger period. I am just lonely. I don't know what to do. I really don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I like to go to school but nothing here is free for seniors and I am broke since I just bought the house and neither of my sons are working yet. I did no go to the grief group. It is a long story, they are only 5 weeks long anyway, it is not ongoing. Maybe something will come up. Hope everyone has a good day.

Comment by Ultra2015 on May 17, 2019 at 6:17am

Made a decision.  Something that hasn't come easy since I lost Sandi.  I made one about 6 months ago about my car.  Sandi found our CRV to be very uncomfortable in the last year, so we went looking for a car.  I was looking for something practical and comfortable for her.  As we looked, everything I pointed out she said was boring or looked like a mini van.  Then she spotted a Toyota 4Runner that was all jacked up, big tires, and she basically needed a step ladder to get into.  But once in, she said she loved the seats.  And I believed her.  Truth be told she wanted me to have something fun and tough looking like all the younger folks around us have when she was gone. You know, pickups with wild wheels and off road tires that they never take off road.  So we bought it.  Then with in three months she couldn't get in it anymore and I had it de-pimped and had it restored to original.  Lowered it, regular tires, etc.  It took me a while but I finally traded the 4Runner in for a Tacoma that more fits my style and has a small truck bed for me to get stuff for the garden and such.  

Well that's a long intro into the fact that I'm selling my motorcycle.  Thats the Ultra15 HD.  We traveled many miles on a previous big Harley and traded our 06 for this 2015, brand new, in May 2015.  Then on June 9th she was diagnosed with MBD.  The original breast cancer had metastasized to her brain.  So for nearly 4 years now the Harley has sat in the garage with 1,200 miles on it.  Our last trip on the old Harley put on about 4,000 in one summer.  I called a friend at the dealership and tomorrow it goes.  I can't concentrate enough to feel safe on it, I don't want to ride with the groups from the club and I am sick of walking by it everyday.  So it has to go.  Just another piece of us that I am losing.  

The kids think its for the best.  They worry about me riding in this condition and have said if you feel better later on I can always pick up something smaller to tool around on.  It feels right and it feels like I'm leaving behind another piece of our life that I can't get back.  



Comment by Roxi on May 17, 2019 at 1:08am

Riet the anniversary is a very hard day...even if i try to do something we like together... There' s no joy anymore without him....i try to see in different  ways but emotions overwhelming of the hardest is the need of seeing him again talkin' to him laughing with him...and is very devastating thing to do...i'm smiling reading melissa post..."you've ben dead long enough. You can come back now". Thank melissa for express so well my feeling... Ciao rox

Comment by booktime (Susan) on May 15, 2019 at 3:26pm

Tess, I agree. Things do get magnified! I can't think of anything specifically but I've been there for sure!

Gary'sWife, as a librarian, I was happy to hear your story! I always try to remember that everyone who enters the library comes with a story. Hopefully a joyful one but sometimes so very sad. And all we can do on the other side of the desk is try to make a bright moment in a dark day.

Comment by Gary'swife on May 15, 2019 at 2:26pm

Oh Tess....I hear ya/.   When we are under stress it's just so difficult to deal with these unexpected and irritating things.  I remember after my mother died I was at the library, and the librarian said I had book fines, and I kind of lost it....unjustifiably.  Luckily, librarians are some of the most patient, polite, people on earth.   Later I was shocked at how I had acted.  

Sending hugs and come here to vent anytime.

Comment by Tess on May 15, 2019 at 1:52pm

Hi all. I just needed to vent, to share, to feel bad with others that may have similar emotional responses. Today I got a parking ticket. Initially I was super infuriated, still am. It is because of the street cleaners coming through and I didn't have time to move my car. I am juggling a million things, selling my house and getting ready to move. I was so mad I called the police station. No, I didn't use profanity, though I clearly wanted to. I always have had a quick response when I feel that situations are unjustified. Now, I guess because I am alone and feel the need to defend myself, I get really pissed off. Things like this feel so magnified. Am I alone in this?

Anyway, I think I'll pay the fine in coins, mostly pennies, LOL.


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