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Born in the 50s

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Comment by Barzan on June 9, 2019 at 10:09am

Riot, Diva and Ultra,

Reading your posts about the second year being worse than the 1st, I concur.  I felt that my 1st year was spent in a fog of disbelief, anger and just lost.  I was sure I’d be better each year but when year 2 rolled around, it was awful.  Reality kicked in and verified that I am truly alone and he will never touch me again.  I had to remind myself to breathe.  I am at 8 years on June 13th and still dread that day.   I’d like to fly east until I return to the 14th and just skip that day.  I already know how I’ll feel - the rawness of the pain when he took his last breath.

Just do the best you can and remember to breathe.

Hugs to you all,

Suzan

Comment by Ultra2015 on June 9, 2019 at 9:54am

I am 16 months out and I still feel lost.  If people ask me how I am, its just a cover so I don't tell them I'm sad, lonely and heartbroken.  A lot of what I've read here and a widowed friend have told me the second year can be awful, and they are right.  

June 9, 2015 we were sitting on the front porch with a martini, contemplating what had happened that afternoon.  A young friend came over very excited that her masters thesis had been accepted and was to be published.  It gave us a short time of happiness for her and then we went back to our discussion, what now?  That afternoon, after 10 years since Sandi's second fight with breast cancer, we found out she had two lesions on her brain that were causing the unsteadiness, visual distortions and spacial issues.  After lumpectomy, chemo, radiation and then 5 years later, double mastectomy, more chemo, it was back.  A PET scan that week should one lymph node in her chest, by her lung lit up.  A subsequent biopsy identified it as the original cancer.  Sandi was a very tiny woman, there wasn't any tissue left to remove and with all the radiation and chemo, it stayed dormant for 10 years.  Prognosis, 18-24 months.  She lasted 30.  The doctors thought that was a win.  

This second year has cleared my head in some ways making it available to remember many of the events during those last thirty months that I had just pushed aside as being too painful.  So I try to get out, try to participate in life, but it just feels empty and hollow.  

Praying peace will come your way soon.

Comment by DIVA70 on June 8, 2019 at 10:53am

riet I read your message and it sounded so much like how I am feeling right now. I am going into my second year without my dear Tony. I guess I thought I would start to feel better but I don't. Like you I feel drained. I was invited to a bridal shower today and as much as I want to go I just don't have the energy. Maybe its because everyone seems to have moved on with their lives which is understandable. But I seem to be groping in the darkness. So many things we did together I just don't have the same desire to do anymore. Without him with me it seems pointless. My youngest son lives about 2 hrs away and he has been wonderful So has my adult daughter who lives with me but I am slowly realizing that nothing or no one will ever fill the void in my life. It does help to know that I am not crazy...that these crying spells and bouts of lonliness are not some strange apparition. I know he would want me to live a happy life. At this point I am just aiming for peace. Thank you for listening. I wish you all well.

Comment by riet on June 8, 2019 at 8:41am

Hello dear friends,

This second year is very difficult for me. It seems as if all energy has gradually disappeared. I no longer see the sense of doing anything. Or rather: I would like to do something but I really can't afford the energy for it anymore.
I would really like to tell my dear husband how hard I tried to make something of it. But that is not possible. I feel worthless now and then.
My children have started to clean up his countless things. Some pieces from his collections of model cars and   little trains are now being sold. That's good, because we can't keep all of it  ourselves. But it breaks my heart.
I vividly remember the excitement and even happiness of collecting some pieces. And how much time it sometimes took to get hold of something.
And now everything is there without him. Now we have to decide slowly what to keep and what should immediately go away. He never talked about that. This was not foreseen.
Do I only now begin to see what I have lost? And that he never comes back?

I hope you are doing well. Hugs to all of you.

Comment by Tekwriter on May 28, 2019 at 7:40am

I have seen the ads for breast cancer treatment and think they are so apalling. I had breast cancer and am moving into 7 years cancer free. But when it first happens, you don't know anything and there are so many kinds and stages. It is confusing. I really think these ads muddy the water for patients and offer false hope.

Comment by Barzan on May 27, 2019 at 6:15am

Susan, thank you for sharing your experience.  It was so touching.  I think it's lovely that you two will look after both graves.  We really do live in a unique world.  

Many thoughts this weekend of all the important people besides my DH that have passed and were a significant part of my life.  All beautiful souls.

Hugs to all,

Suzan

Comment by shelley on May 25, 2019 at 2:30pm

booktime (Susan) What a sweet story.  Thank you.  

Comment by booktime (Susan) on May 25, 2019 at 1:30pm

Today I went to Ed's grave to place flowers and clean it up for Memorial Day. And to be there.

Another woman one stone away was doing the same but she was planting plants! I told her I didn't think we could and she said oh one year they say that and another they don't. Some of these plants have been here 2 years!

I pulled some weeds. She offered me one of the hostas she had brought. How nice I said - Ed liked hostas! So I planted it.

Then I asked her whose grave it was. It was her husband's. He died in 1995 at age 40 from a sudden brain aneurysm! Just like that. She had two small children. She delivered the mail in the community. It wasn't an easy life. She's a grandmother of one and another is coming.

We discovered her name was Sue! I'm Susan. But her husband's name was Robert. Would have been too strange.

It was lovely to share these moments on a beautiful day. There is a lot we didn't have to say. There was a true comfort.

She said she would check my hosta as she only lived moments away. I told her I would this summer - I was retiring and would have more time.

I wonder if I'll see her again? I definitely will be observant of her husband's grave as I think she will of mine.

I didn't expect this experience but was glad.

Hugs to all this weekend. Mine is pretty quiet.

Comment by CarLady on May 23, 2019 at 1:12pm

Dear Melissa, thanks for your sweet comments, this is my safe place too. And John, when we’ve lost our “one and only” true love we feel the loss forever. Not to say we haven’t built new roads but nothing will ever be the same and we’ve accepted that.  For me, if I ever were to have another relationship it would be completely fate because I’m not looking. I don’t have the heart when I’m still in love with my Bill.  And always will be, which would be difficult for anyone but another widow/er to understand.  

I just saw this and thought it was appropriate, at least it rings true to me.  

Hope the idea is helpful and thoughtful.  

Comment by chef (John) on May 23, 2019 at 12:22pm

Don't worry, Melissa. I'm almost at eight years, and I still have times when I break down and hate Life.

 

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