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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Camp Widow San Diego

Started by Kathy. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada Jul 9. 8 Replies

social security widow/widower benefits

Started by Lissa. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Jun 27. 16 Replies

Crazy - taxes

Started by KJPE. Last reply by cupspinner Apr 10. 4 Replies

Comment Wall


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Comment by Barzan on July 2, 2019 at 4:57am

Riet,  So happy to hear that your birthday turned out to be pleasant with the help of your family gathering to honor you.  I know how emotional it must have been.  Hugs to you.

John, I gave up dancing when I married Barney.  He had no sense of rhythm at all and was blessed with 2 left feet.  We did dance at out son's wedding and we came out unscathed.  I love to travel but haven't done so as much as I would have liked to.  My friends either work or have mates.  I do travel stateside with my MIL once or twice a year.  Half my family is in Europe but I haven't gone for a visit because I just can't do it alone.  I had hoped to meet a fella that would like to be a travel buddy but the ones I've met have wanted more.  I think you know what I mean.  I'm still hopeful.  Hugs to you.


Comment by Melissa on July 1, 2019 at 10:27pm

I'm so glad the day was better than expected, riet. Life continues to surprise us!

I wish you comfort and peace.

Comment by riet on July 1, 2019 at 11:55am

Dear friends, 

Your sweet words touch me deeply. Chef John, thank you for making the effort to wish me a happy birthday in my own language.
Sweet Melissa, I will definitely discuss this with my doctor. It could indeed help. Thank you for the detailed explanation. Suzan, I know you are always there and you understand everything that troubles all of us. A big hug to all of you.
I had a nice day. Children and grandchildren, neighbors and friends came to visit. It went better than what I had imagined.
The lack remains, but I could also think of the others and be happy for them. For their school results, for their travel plans. I no longer thought he should be there at every moment of the day. And what's more: I don't feel guilty about it.
It is so extraordinary that I can tell all of this here without being judged.
Dear fellow sufferers, thank you

Comment by chef (John) on July 1, 2019 at 10:44am


Joyeux anniversaire!/Ik wens je een gelukkige verjaardag.

I agree with Suzan: The Year of Firsts hurts, but...they also must be endured.

I am also sorry about your dreams, since they cause you to be exhausted. I know how that feels. I am glad that you attended the lecture. It's difficult to do (what had earlier been a shared experience) alone, but I would encourage you to keep doing this, if it brought you some small satisfaction/enjoyment. Speaking for myself, I gave up dancing after my wife died...but I continue to travel.



Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on July 1, 2019 at 7:46am


Check out this Brussels website to learn if it will be of help ... 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on July 1, 2019 at 7:36am

[[[Hugs Riet]]]
Grief can & will throw off a person's entire balance. It is akin to a foreign invader of the mind, body & soul that, unfortunately, does not come with a widow handbook for guidance on how to treat its symptoms. Everyone is left to their own devices of relying on guesswork, trial & error in navigating this unknown territory. In addition to grief validation, suggestions by those who have also stumbled while walking the widow path can be of benefit in helping to provide direction as well as lift your hopes for improvement in sharing their experiences. You truly do not "need" to suffer to the point of debilitation or "have" to suffer from the love of your cherished soul mate forever. Grief is enough on its own in learning how to first weather the adjustment phases to eventually accept death as a natural part of the life cycle. Been there, done that, it is hard, however, it can be less difficult more manageable when treating grief symptoms ...
For severe depression, I used both conventional medicine & alternative medicine. I, too, was paralyzed by grief unable to manage any amount of exercise to activate endorphins into my body for relief. I suffered tremendously while looking for remedies till I found acupuncture (applied alternative medicine) in doing what I could not do for myself. Acupuncture treats the "cause" in helping to restore balance, calm & well being in bringing back together the 3 main components - mind, body & soul to a functioning state. It reduced my stress & anxiety for clarity & crying jags become calm weeping w/a refreshing end result. The trick is to find an acupuncturist who can "provide noticeable relief on the first visit" as well as maintaining a schedule of regular appointments. I found massage was very helpful after acupuncture to facilitate continued release of stress/ anxiety residuals that often comes after treatment. It feels like skin hunger, in this case, a "gentle need" for soothing by human touch to promote healing ...
Check w/your doctor to learn if an anti-depressant might help w/depression symptoms. I found the use of a chemical anti-depressant added more fatigue & confusion to my already taxed widowbrain, however, it did keep my irritability manageable in preventing angry outbursts & other unacceptable reactionary social behaviors. Once I learned taking my medication in lower dosages - 1/2 dosage each morning & night worked better for me, I was good to go. It was a "duh" moment in answering why my question as to why the pills were scored in the middle. This is not a suggestion for you to do. I "chose" to take the initiative for myself to learn how much medication was needed for sufficient results in preventing the side effects mentioned above from compounding my grief symptoms. Consult your doctor for dosage changes especially in using a higher dose - never up your dose without doing so ...
My dreams began to improve during treatment as well birthdays, holidays, daily living. Depression was no longer invasive to hold me hostage pining for Bob, I was able to move forward in processing grief. BTW, I had complicated grief & trauma as a result of Bob being killed at a young age in a collision w/a road rage driver as well as from the attempted suicides of my 2 youngest children. I believe acupuncture can work w/the right therapist, regardless, of the type or amount of challenges a grieving person is facing ...
Hope this helps ...
Take care of yourself ...
Peace be with you ...

Comment by Barzan on June 30, 2019 at 7:02am

Dearest Riet,

I wish you a happy birthday and strength to continue on this journey.  The one think we all deal with are the firsts.  There are going to be many firsts in your future.  Each one is very hard yet we have to do them or else we will be paralyzed.  The seconds will come with time but do take those firsts as the opportunity arises.  I've been there and it was a struggle.  I'm so proud of you for going to the lecture. 

Tekwriter,  I know you've thought long and hard about the surgery.  If it will improve your physical abilities and your health, I know you've made a good decision.  These surgeries have come a long way since 2012.  My ex-SIL had the surgery about 5 years ago.  She did really well for the first few years and then got back to her old ways and is back to where she was before.  You have to be strong and stay strong to succeed.  I know you will.  I'm sending you good vibes and hugs.


Comment by Tekwriter on June 30, 2019 at 3:34am

I have decided to have weight loss surgery. My oldest son and I are going to be doing this together. This is something my husband was against. My brother passed away from this surgery in 2012. However he did not have the quality of health care that is available to me. I do have a few concerns but I am very tired of fighting diabetes, cholesterol and now that he is gone high blood pressure. Sadly enough one of my biggest fears is asking for him after surgery. My youngest son is going to be our person for both of us. Other than that while I am not looking forward to all the meal restriction, I am reading everything I can find to make it as palatable as possible. I am saving up recipes for each phase that sound like something we might like. I will be ordering supplies of the cups to help us with measuring during the one and 2 ounce phase. I look forward to loosing some weight to get the burden on my knees. Thanks for listenin.

Comment by riet on June 30, 2019 at 1:10am

Now it's my turn to be completely without energy. I hardly do anything anymore. I have to force myself to eat and drink, go to the store and even watch television.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I am turning 67. And although my grandchildren will be with me almost all day, I feel alone and abandoned. Which is actually not true. My son, grandson, granddaughter and I will celebrate our birthdays together on next weekend.
But I really miss my husband's special care. He made something super of every holiday.
And then I have those terrible dreams, where I see him back on the street and I beg him to come home. He always says he wants it so badly, but he can't because he is dead and still has to
 'check in' .
After such a dream I wake up exhausted.
I also did something for the first time that we had been doing together for years: I attended a lecture at the university about archeology, which interested us both so much. I enjoyed the reading, but going towards it and certainly the way back were by no means easy. I don't know if I can ever do that again. I missed our discussions about the subject afterwards too much.
I thought it would be a little easier now. And somewhere that terrible, untenable first pain is a bit less, but I really don't know how to proceed.
My house and garden are also way too big and outdated.
If only I could discuss it with him.

Thank you all for being able to tell this again. Rereading this , I feel I am turning around in circles., I seem to get nowhere.

Comment by chef (John) on June 28, 2019 at 9:38am

Thank you, Tess.

My Dad has remarked on more than one occasion (since Mom died) that he's glad that he can tell me things he would never say to my siblings...and he has also said that it's weird for him to be getting advice on handling widowerhood from his own son.


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