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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Camp Widow San Diego

Started by Kathy. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada Jul 9. 8 Replies

social security widow/widower benefits

Started by Lissa. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Jun 27. 16 Replies

Crazy - taxes

Started by KJPE. Last reply by cupspinner Apr 10. 4 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by Melissa on July 10, 2019 at 12:31pm

Susan and Ultra, I'm glad things are going so well.

If we can push back the sadness for a while, that is a very good thing.

Hugs to you all.

Comment by chef (John) on July 10, 2019 at 7:04am

@Ultra: Glad to hear that things are going well for you! [Hope you had those extra pints for us back in the US.]

@Susan: Congratulations on both your retirement and insights. [Speaking as one who is about three years away from retirement, I am somewhat envious. :-) Who knows? I may continue another year or two past that when I finally get to that point.]

Comment by Ultra2015 on July 10, 2019 at 3:45am

Susan

happy you are liking retirement. So understand about being someone’s number one. Miss that and having some to call and say “it’s me”. Keep rolling with the retirement. 

Comment by riet on July 10, 2019 at 2:56am

Dear Susan,

  Congratulations on your well-earned retirement. I hope you can enjoy every moment, despite the lasting sadness.
Hugs and love

Comment by booktime (Susan) on July 10, 2019 at 2:21am

Just thought I would update - I am into week 2 of retirement. I was with family the first week (my siblings and I finally interred my parents into the family plot). This week is giving me more of a sense what this is all about. I have lots of errands I am doing, some get togethers with friends, and doing much reading on my porch. I am not trying to get anything done, just unwinding and relaxing. The background work chatter in my head is gone. I feel like I am sleeping more than usual.

I have a few more getaways planned for our summer cottage and doing some travel with my sisters.

My summer looks and feels busy!

So far, I am really enjoying this retirement thing.

Last week did have some emotional moments as July 2 was our anniversary (would have been 24 years) and July 4 was Ed's birthday (he would have been 67). I guess one thing I realized (again) is I am on my own and should just focus on my own needs. To have expectations from family about anything else just results in disappointment. I feel I keep coming back to this - I am not anyone's number one and I had better just make myself my own number one!

The week on the whole was very good with family. And the weather was perfect!

Hugs to everyone.

Comment by Ultra2015 on July 9, 2019 at 8:06am
  • So week 2 ended in London in a shopping trip with my son. Unheard of. He is very nervous in crowds but did great and we found things him and me and the girls back home. But, the best thing, as we sat at a pub, was him asking me to stay another week!  And then scrambling to change flights and accommodations. It truly has been great to see Nick and Nicole together. My nights are so lonely but happy at the same time. I did realize that the trinkets, maps and tickets and things were the memorabilia Sandi and I would pick up to reminisce about our trip. And I was picking them up to show her. So I’ve had a wonderful, lonely trip. I am sure the next week will be as good as the first two. I’m not looking forward to going home to an empty house.  It the memories here and if Sandi have to sustain me. Tears. 
  • Hugs all 
Comment by riet on July 8, 2019 at 11:36pm

dear Suzan,

What a beautiful story. So real, so recognizable. The same for us. Only we were lucky to meet from the beginning. We were the first and the last for each other. And, as you say: "that damned cancer ripped us apart." Almost 50 years together. Always and everything together. I was 15 years old. He was 23. And we knew it from the first moment we met. We made each other complete.
 We saw in each other everything we did not see in ourselves. That made our lives light. Made us go our own way "together". Made us never care about what "people" demanded of us.
We had "saved" each other. Only I could not save him from this terrible disease.
That makes me feel defeated. I do know that this is a completely unreal feeling. But it's there. I should have saved him from all this suffering.
I also now see how little room there is in this society for sorrow and pain. When people ask me: "how are you?" , they already answer for me: "okay I think". And when I say, "no, it's not going so well," they say, "think of all the beautiful things." But those things hurt so much.
We also told each other how much we loved each other. He took my hand when he saw that something was not right.
Dear Suzan, your text makes me see beautiful things and still be happy about it. Sometimes a person needs to open his eyes a little further.
Lots of love

Comment by Barzan on July 8, 2019 at 7:48pm

Hello All,

Spent yesterday with my aunt.  She and I were raised by my parents like sisters and are close.  We drove up into the Colorado mountains and ended up talking about our spouses.  We both married twice.  She was telling me how she was repulsed by her 1st husband and father of her boys.  Second one wasn’t much better.  My 1st was my high school sweetheart and we were both ambitious- he got to go to med school, I didn’t.  Long story for a short marriage.  My second, last and best was the reward for taking the high road.  He was smart, gentle, great sense of humor and I was head over heals in love with him 3 weeks after we met.  He proposed at 3 weeks.  I said yes.

For 32 years, we were in love.  Love filled our lives.  We told each other “I love you” at least 3 times a day.  There was so much love.  From my head to my toes - love........then that damned cancer ripped us apart.  The thing that drove us for all those wonderful years - gone - poof.   I stood there in our house knowing my life will never be the same.  All that love was replaced with anger, sorrow, loneliness, emptiness and fear.  Just past 8 years and this all came rushing in and had to share with you.  I have come to accept that we must cherish the best love we had and keep it on a special shelf in our hearts.  I look at my aunt and am so saddened that she never experienced the joy I felt for the best 32 years of my life.

I will celebrate what we had and live the life I have now with great friends nearby.  I still look to up at the stars and know that one shines extra bright just for me.

Hugs to all of you.  May you find that shining star meant only for you.

Suzan

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on July 4, 2019 at 6:39am

Hi Country Girl, I waited for others to chime in, however, your question may have been too challenging to garner answers from those in the midst of grief. Now that I am 12 years out, I can relate to the anger w/out it affecting me. Been there, done that as a wife & mother w/young children who deserved at the very least a happy childhood w/their father. Like most young widows w/kid(s), I had the addition of grieving for my children & their losses ...

The major problem was my widowbrain took everything at face value instead of realistically by considering other variables. I looked at the happy couple/family scenario w/tunnel vision ... "Cause & effect", however, it required I take each issue a step further to identify it to learn how to resolve it. There are many reasons anger can be aroused, however, identifying its "root cause" is not always obvious. In that case, the emotion I was dealing with needed to be "named" to understand what I was dealing with to learn ways to work it out. My anger was from "jealousy" in yet, another call for me grieve my loss as well as release body toxins through crying. It gets better when it is resolved or manageable to no longer be prompted into having to do it. Unfortunately, there is no cure for grief, no quantum leaping from grief to happy life - there is only the grief process in learning how to work w/it. One major coping skill was "interpreting" an issue in terms of healing - the main "purpose" of the grief process ... The grief was more about me, than Bob-O. Everything I wanted, needed, wished for & prayed for. The first year, generally, is grieving their death. It becomes harder in the 2nd year & beyond when it becomes all about you: the adjustments, changes, healing & acceptance are personal tasks ... Anyhoo, by identifying my anger as jealousy, I was able to target the issue in separating it to not grieve everything at once, but to focus on one isuue at a time. In doing so, I layed each one to rest - this is repetitive work to get to the point of completion. I never liked the idea of waiting for a feeling to pass, I needed to do something about it as you are doing by asking. For me, it left an issue "unresolved"; it was the reason these emotions reoccured ... As always, suggestions are what they are "only suggestions" for you to choose from for yourself. For a start, you might want to use the 2 YouTube videos I used to trigger grief to address the problem till you find whatever works best for you ...

"Jealousy" by Natalie Merchant & "Jealous Again" by The Black Crowes ...

BTW, there is nothing wrong w/using medication. Whatever your doctor diagnosed as well as wanted to treat may have been also been for "preventative care". Some widow/ers develop heart issues, etc from the stress. I developed polymyalgia & osteoporosis from complicated grief, trauma & compunded stress from the suicide attempts of my 2 youngest children, their medical & psychiatric hospitalizations including 11 years of attending court for related cases to Bob's unnatural death in a collision caused by a roadrage driver. This is the meaning of "we all grieve differently" ...

Take care of yourself ...

Peace be with you ...

******************************

Today is my wedding anniversary, we'll be going to the cemetery hearts filled w/love & gratitude - no tears. We will enjoy our visit, family & fireworks as we have in the past 4 years been able to fully live life until we see Bob/Dad on the other side ...

******************************

Comment by Nannie on July 2, 2019 at 2:48pm

I have looked at some John..and it seemed they were very expensive ..and very exotic countries...I would like to travel some more of the US before I go to different continents...if you do move back with your Dad...you have a friend in Phila....

 

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