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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Camp Widow San Diego

Started by Kathy. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada Jul 9. 8 Replies

social security widow/widower benefits

Started by Lissa. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Jun 27. 16 Replies

Crazy - taxes

Started by KJPE. Last reply by cupspinner Apr 10. 4 Replies

Comment Wall


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Comment by Barzan on July 22, 2019 at 12:29pm

Chef, congratulations on successfully making it to the 9 year mark.  When I reached year 8, I felt like Rocky when he runs up the steps of PMU.  Against all odds, we move forward.  I can’t even recall what I consumed the 1st year to stay alive.  I’d give you a big high 5 and a hug if you were standing in front of me.  I wish you all the years of healing this journey takes.  


Comment by chef (John) on July 22, 2019 at 9:27am

Yesterday was Year IX, Day 1. It was much more bearable than Year I, Day 1, which was nothing but shock, tears, vodka, potato chips [whenever my stomach reminded me that I needed to eat] and lots of "accordion time".

Strange to think that I'm still here--something I could not even begin to contemplate eight years ago--and stranger to think that Life was still waiting for me to catch up, once I had attended to the years-long process of mourning. I guess that Rosanne Cash was right: here I am, still "writing my life".

Comment by riet on July 18, 2019 at 10:38pm

Oh Dear Friends,  thanks for your kind comments. Sweet Melissa, you made me laugh. We indeed have delicious chocolate here. Leonidas is only one brand. We have a chocolate shop in every village. Two in my village. Great to eat, but so bad for my weight.
A friend who works at Leonidas says she often dreams of lettuce and celery to get the smell of that chocolate out of her nose.
haha it is not heaven on earth there. But it is nice ..... sometimes

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on July 18, 2019 at 6:43pm

In general, the first 2 years are the hardest. During this time, it is not easy to function, however, strength does gradually build up as you have found. Energy spurts can also occur, yet, randomly. I do suggest making an appointment for some type of (applied) healing treatments even if you wind up canceling out, I did numerous of times, however, it could help motivate you to prepare for it. After a few episodes of vomiting, sucker punches/anxiety attacks, trying to stifle screams at court proceedings for Bob's killer, I never canceled an appointment again. Yours does not need to be as highly debilating as mine was to benefit from any soothing healing modality ...
Pro-actively seek relief for your stress & anxiety to "prevent episodes & fear" in thinking these emotional impairments will continue on into the later years of grief or that it will always be tortuous. My attacks stopped around the 3rd year b/c of my healing treatments. Grief is long, however, it is for very good reasons. You will better understand it when you learn how to heal. Just keep trying till you get there ...
When I read your posts, I am reminded of the Leonida Chocolates & marzipan my DIL's parents would purchase in Belgium to bring when they came to visit from the Netherlands. They were sooo comforting during my many grief years ... ;-)
Laughter can also provide quick relief!
Take care of yourself ...

Comment by chef (John) on July 18, 2019 at 12:03pm


This still happens to me (although not as frequently as it did during the "early years")--even though I'm about to start Year IX. In English, there's a term called "sucker punch", which is an unexpected/surprise blow one receives during a fight. This is what happened to you. You were just minding your own business, when suddenly...WHAM! As you said, your own memories of being there with your husband may have been the trigger to your experience.

I think that you handled the situation quite admirably. 

Comment by Melissa on July 18, 2019 at 11:07am

I just wish us all comfort and peace. As we heal, the sudden, unexpected episodes of intense grief and fear blindside us. They're so unpredictable, and that in itself is unsettling.

This is a very strange journey we're on. I am so glad we have each other. Hugs to you all.

Comment by riet on July 18, 2019 at 8:58am

It still happens. And really at a time when you don't expect it.
I had a nice visit this afternoon. Dear friends with their little children. We went out to eat an ice cream together in the sun. Everything went well and I enjoyed it very much. Until a certain moment, I don't know why, I missed my husband so much.
I could only think: I want to go home to be closer to him. I barely even heard the conversations around me.
I wanted to collapse as if he had died yesterday.
I just said that the ice cream was a little too heavy for me and that I shouldn't stay too long.
It almost looked like panic, although I managed to stay calm.
I still miss him so much now, but things are getting  a little better now.

Thinking back, maybe I had flash backs from when we were together and happy on this place.  But I  didn't see this one coming.

I had to tell this. Thanks

Comment by LP on July 18, 2019 at 6:18am

I wonder if perhaps we get too wedded to traditions for their own sake. Tekwriter, if you and your sons don’t feel like ‘celebrating’ Xmas, that’s not sad, just different from how life used to be. I’m coming to believe that at this point in my life (widowed and entering my sixties) I can’t expect life to go on as it always has. Some things (holidays or sightseeing trips, for example) nor longer ‘speak’ to my needs as they used, and that is OK. I can forgo them and focus attention on other stuff.  Other (non-widowed) people find it weird, but hey, as  all of us here know, they will find much about our lives weird. 

Comment by Tekwriter on July 18, 2019 at 6:07am

I can sympathize with everyone's stories. We seem to have forgotten how to celebrate. My husband must have been the drive be hind the celebrations. I don't know. Neither of my son's want to do anything. They don't want to do their birthdays and they can't stand to see their Dad not at the Thanksgiving Table. Last year we had a very tiny tinsel tree. We are a sad bunch. We have not done much better this year.

Comment by shelley on July 17, 2019 at 9:41pm

Sweet story, CarLady.  Thank you.  


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