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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

social security widow/widower benefits

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Camp Widow San Diego

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Comment Wall


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Comment by chef (John) on Friday


One step at a time, please! You're dealing with the Mac truck right now--and that's quite a good way of putting words to your feelings. I used to liken things early on to being in a perpetual spin cycle or going through the wringer of an old washing machine. You're new to the roller coaster of emotions. It is hard, but you're among kindred spirits here. We've all been where you are now--and know how difficult it is. We can only be here for you, to let you know that everything you're feeling is normal.

The hardest thing about grief is that you have to go through it--not around, under or over. This is a very tough thing to do, but you are succeeding as you deal with the grief, rather than trying to run from it. You were smart enough to find this web site, and connect with others in your situation. You are also much stronger than you think you are are at the moment...and, in time, you, too, will get to a point where you will be able to look back and see how far you've come.

Right now, be your own best friend. Take "baby steps". Allow yourself to cry, read things here (and elsewhere) and post as you can. I was a mess for a long time, but, after grieving, crying, connecting with others, stopping and surveying the landscape, I was able to move from the place I was to somewhere else. I have just begun Year IX as a widower. You will do this as well, but it takes time. Please be patient with yourself. Hugs and encouragement to you as you work through this.

Comment by Athena53 on Friday

Sueg, please don't panic about the second year.  If there's one thing I've learned form reading all the posts here, it's that we each have our own path and there's a VERY wide range around "normal", Others have definitely found the second year to be worse; I didn't.  Maybe for you, the second year will be easier.  I hope so. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on Friday

@sueg:  I said harder, not impossible.  :-)  The waves of grief are normal and yes, it is like being hit in the back of the head with a 2 x 4.  I still have them six years out, but they are usually triggered by something -- something in a movie, or on TV, or looking at photos.  And then I have to take a nap.  They are not as frequent as you go on.  Melissa is right, and perhaps worded it better than I did.  It's the beginning of how your life is going to take shape.  And I will tell you that as you get into the second half of the year, the waves become less frequent, and by the end of the second year you may be surprised at how accustomed you are becoming to this new life.

Of course you don't WANT to be accustomed to this life.  But we have to.

Comment by Melissa on September 12, 2019 at 9:42pm

Sueg, I'm so sorry. Your grief is so new and so raw! Nothing will ever be harder than this time, right now. You're in the hardest time.

I'm in the second year, and it's harder in the sense that you are able to think again, and decide things, and not be so exhausted and broken, so it's a time of taking stock and evaluation. What do you want to do now? How will you do it? 

The pain you're in now breaks my heart. Those waves hit hard and pull you under, but you will learn to stay afloat and ride them until they pass. And they do pass.

We are all here for you. Please keep talking to us.

I wish you peace and comfort.


Comment by Sueg on September 12, 2019 at 7:24pm

Oh no , please don't say the second year is harder than the first year.  I can't imagine the heartache and pain i have yet to  indure.  My husband passed away a couple months ago and every day is a struggle .  I try very hard to live the best I can, but the waves of grief will hit me like a Mac truck.  Blind siding me when I think I'm ok.  I miss him terribly, but I know I have to go on, because that's what he would want me to do. 

I also read and thank you for the recommendations.  Right now I have the book Its okay to not be okay.

Thanks for listening to me, it's been a tough day.


Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on September 12, 2019 at 11:56am

@Lee:  It's not unusual for the second year to be worse than the first.  That's when it starts to seem real after the numbness wears off and the logistics have been taken care of.  It's also when your friends have gone back to their normal lives while yours is irrevocably changed. It's just how it is.  I didn't start feeling like a new life was taking shape until the third year. I have a few widowed friends who are reporting the same thing.

Comment by Lee on September 12, 2019 at 8:18am

I appreciate the book list. I have one to add that I was given by a friend when my husband of 36 years died at 65, Healing After Loss, by Martha Hickman. You just read a page a day, through the year. I finished this book August 30th. By this time, another friend had suddenly lost her 64 year old husband, and I got her the book as well. Another friend lost her husband this week. 2 others lost their husbands last year. Who knew this is how we’d spend our “golden years”!!

I also enjoyed the Joan Didion book, The Year of Magical Thinking, that someone on this list had recently recommended. I wasn’t ready to read more than this in my first year, but now in my second year it feels right, and I will purchase some of the books you’ve recommended.

I think I may be that “mediocre widow”, one who has survived the first year “well” (meaning after months of grieving I haven’t completely broken down yet) and am now floating through life, utterly unsure of what to do with the rest of my life. It’s by far the hardest period of my life, which tells you what a wonderful life and marriage I had up until a year ago. I know I am not alone. Please keep sharing your stories.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 10, 2019 at 2:39pm


Everyone handles grief differently as well as in *their own time* even when sharing common symptoms. I had 2 grief buddies out of 6 who got alot of what they needed from reading grief books, I was never interested. I had learned about grief as a child of a twice widowed mother who lost my father when I was 9 mos old, then again 5 years later w/my stepfather. My mother's grief ended when I was 16 years old. What I did know about grief lead me to immediately want to know how to relieve the pain, widowbrain, depression & over all dysfunction. I did not want to commiserate w/others or need to have my grief validated, I just wanted answers to get on w/it being that I still had 2 young children to raise, a household to run & unbeknownst to me at the time would spend 11 years in court for my husband's death by a road rage driver. I also came to realize after reading many posts on a young widow's forum that I did not have normal grief that I could just while away the emptiness w/socializing. I came to learn I was suffering from PTSD & complicated grief that had to be treated - it was a far different grief monster. What we can do is choose our own recovery methods when ready by reading grief books, socializing, etc. However, there are some who have unknown things happen like myself that are interpreted as normal grief even though the death did not stem from natural causes ...

As for your friend's sister, you made a thoughtfulness & caring choice that counts even if it is not immediately recognized ...

I sent my gifted grief books to my 2 grief buddies, they were very much appreciated!   ;-)

Comment by laurajay on September 9, 2019 at 6:42pm

Tekwriter.  Thx  for the  bit  of  humor....this  place  does  seem   to  have  some Souring  Spirits  from  time  to  time...myself  upon  occasion ,  too.   (  I'm  very good  with  Psalms  as  I  do  a great deal  of  crying  out  to  the  Lord.)       hugs   lj

Comment by Tekwriter on September 9, 2019 at 2:27pm

I bought some books on grief, I set up a counseling that my Dr. recommended, and I joined this Souring Spirits that I happened across. I never made to the counseling, but for very good reason. I feel the interaction here is probably more helpful than have a class with a shrink. The book I found most helpful was:

When Your Soul Aches: Hope and Help for Women Who Have Lost Their Husbands

Obviously this is geared towards women, so may not be of comfort or help to the men in our group. The scripture I came across in the book I never remember reading before and it gave me my first moment of peace.
Psalm 34:18 NIV - 
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

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