Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Born in the 50s

Groups are a place to connect with others you have something in common with. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to widville@gmail.com.

Patience (Diane) is the group greeter.

Members: 541
Latest Activity: 40 minutes ago

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Comment by Slick 40 minutes ago

david1980  ...I am with you on this...my daughter passed almost 18 years ago...people ask how I got over it..I haven't gotten over her death or my husband's 4 years ago....they are both in a place in my hear that I can live with...always with me..always show me , make me feel they are there...I too ..when I have that deep inner pain...I go inside and in there I find God and my loved ones.....PEACE

Comment by david1980 12 hours ago
Bis4betsy, i admit that I struggle with the absence of my wife. I have found that the peace comes from within. Ellen will always be part of me, so when i feel lost I search that inner part that gives me comfort.

Over time I have come to realize that the biggest help comes from the quietness from sitting and feeling the care she always had for me. I think one could travel the world, but never find pearls of inner healing if they do not search for
it.

Whether I am in my favorite chair or on a beach in California, I am searching for that inside part of me saying.....dear always take the next step with me.

David
Comment by bis4betsy 15 hours ago

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented on this thread.  I thought it was all in my head that my friends disappeared!  What I realized is that they also lost someone important to them and they've been grieving differently than me.  I had to face some cold hard realities that they probably didn't have to.  

Life has gone on around me.  I miss my old life because it was comfortable.  I miss not having someone to give me wise counsel.  Making major decisions by myself is really a challenge sometimes.  

Comment by longwalks 19 hours ago

Welcome to Harp Player and Renee. Sorry that your life made a turn that is making you a part of a group nobody wants to be a member of. This is a safe and wonderful place to talk…..we get it…….

Comment by Lakegirl33 23 hours ago
Dear Longwalks, have you looked for a widows meet up group or widows grief support group? I have found obe of each. Some new friends. After weekly group we go to an inexpensive dinner. Have been to a movie with one and have been bowling and to two comedy shows with the meet up group. I fortunately still work three days a week. But these new friendships seem to be what I need at this stage in my life. I am at 16 1/2 months. I have one BIL who checks in monthly. The other has never called and his wife has called twice . It's sad , but I remind myself "it is what it is" I am going to attend camp in Toronto and hope some of you can too. I don't lihecthis season of my life, any more than anybody you . But I try to stay up beat as much as I can. I keep saying Bob loved to have fun and laugh and make me laugh so I have to try. Hugs to you all! I am so thankful for all of your posts
Comment by david1980 23 hours ago
I think what some are saying is it not the picture we paint, but social atmosphere we have to paint it in. After being widowed for over a decade the picture I painted is not bad at all. It seems to me it is when one steps out of the suroundings (mentally/physically) is when one becomes a somewhat dismayed.

I am always looking to expand my memories with the same quality that are in them.

David
Comment by laurajay yesterday

The last thing I would ever want is to leave the home I love with every sweet memory of our  long marriage in tact.  The memories do not haunt me , they comfort me!  And with grands  there are new memories building all the time. I think it is fine to take time and assess the quality of the " so called friends" and feel sadness that things are changed forever.  Get comfortable with yourself and if you really want to use effort to build a new social life or just find new interests or diversions that keep you busy.   If you are older think gently about the rest of your life.  I want to treasure what I had and not try to begin again in senior years when my body is aging, my abilities dimming  and my pocketbook emptying.  Become  more alive? oh yes  but not thinking  a new beginning will quench the thirst that widowhood has brought.   Everyone has to decide what feels best to them and will work in the " going forward" of life.

Comment by david1980 yesterday
What I have experience is the shock of the loss causes a state of disconnect. When I lost my brother on July 23rd last year it came back. I am better, but not the same person that I was before Ellen died.

I was at an event the other night where a band was playing rock music. The band was good, but the memories of the past were still there as I was trying to enjoy the present.

It is like my wife and my brother is always in my thoughts.

David
Comment by BergenJC yesterday

I think this is just a fact of life, folks.  And we have a couple of options:

1)  Reach out to the people who have abandoned us and ask them to visit, go shopping, do something together.  If they continue to avoid us, then write them off.

2)  Wallow in feeling abandoned and wondering why

3)  Figure that they are busy or are uncomfortable with us and focus on building a new social life to go with our new identity

#2 seems to be the worst option.  I've been pretty lucky on this front.  I don't have a lot of friends, but I always had my own social life and I joined a widows meetup 2 weeks after my husband died...so I've met a lot of new people.  But I feel restless and feeling propelled to relocate sooner rather than later so I can really start anew, with people who know me as me, not "BergenJC whose husband died."  It's not that I won't mention him, but the idea of being in a new house that is not full of memories, where I won't be constantly remembering him sitting next to me on the sofa watching TV, or coming in while I'm on the computer, or being there when I got home, is starting to sound really appealing.

We may not have asked for this or wanted it, but we've been given this blank slate on which to create the rest of our lives.  It's up to us, not to others, to decide what do draw on it.

Comment by Dave55 yesterday

So I've passed the 9 month mark, and I'm doing fairly well.  Still some land mines from time to time of course.  Some things I wonder and noticed around friends and family disappearing were first, I'm not the same person I was, I've been changed, a lot, by all of this.  So what might have made me either have things in common with friends, or just be liked or like them are different.  I now know how short life can be, so I take a more serious tone.  Am I less fun to be with around the old group?  Maybe, and probably.  Family I am slowly reconnecting with, but it's effort and takes time.  With family, honestly I feel like I'm the one who withdrew, refusing offers to visit, and so on.  I found I could be short and raw in the first 6 months.  It's taken time to be less of a turtle hunkering down.

So I kinda think it's also me who's impacted others in my life, and I had to make decisions on how and with whom to reconnect with.  That goes along with making a new life that I can be happy with.

 

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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

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