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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

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Born in the 50s

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Members: 740
Latest Activity: 7 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Alysoun Nov 30, 2018. 24 Replies

Buying A House

Started by Tekwriter. Last reply by Tekwriter Oct 6, 2018. 13 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 7 hours ago

Dearest Riet,
Enjoying the rest of your life is not a decision to be made, it is from the outcome of grief that determines it ...
Actively seeking positive modalities to relieve stress, provide relaxation as well as help find answers will be healing. The cycles of grief will continue throughout the years which is for the best. The body, mind & soul cannot adapt or accept a life changing loss in a short period of time ... Experimenting w/healing methods takes time to find what works for you as well as making future changes/adjustments as grief changes ...
This is a time of learning how to take care of your grieving self ...
Remember grief does end, in the meantime, stay commited to healing. Been there, all done ...
Peace ...

BTW, my son's INLs were visiting from the Netherlands when Bob was killed. Fortunately, they were able to extend their holiday for another month to provide warm compassionate support for the rest of the family while I was going crazy hiding out screaming in my closet ...

Comment by riet yesterday

KJPE, Beautiful book. I find it in our local  library, even translated in my own language: Dutch.

I sometimes want to act as that little girl: put my heart in a bottle to hide it away from grief. 

In our region , today we had a most beautiful day of spring.  Flowers and bees all around. So nice. But so cruel , my husband can't enjoy this no more. Every winter, he looked forward to days like this.

And now, In my mind,  I keep seeing him with his grief, for everything he had to leave behind, and what he liked so much. 

I hope, I will remember the time again when he was healthy and we enjoyed each other and all things around us.

I really do not know how I will ever be able to enjoy the world without him. I do not know if I want to: because he is no longer there. 

Hugs to all 

Comment by Barzan yesterday

KJPE - Thanks for the link.  Really made sense even for an adult living with grief.

Comment by KJPE on Friday
Comment by KJPE on Thursday

@NolongerinBergenJC -- I actually chuckled to myself when I read about you having to take naps.  Grief is exhausting, it takes up a lot of energy that used to be there for other things.  I fall asleep reading or watching TV in the evening now, even more than before my beloved husband died. PS I lived in Teaneck many years ago, and still remember it vividly.  I'm sure it's changed since then - 1978-9.

Comment by chef (John) on Thursday

@Roxi: What you're feeling--the mixture of emotions (probably in rapid succession)--is, sadly. quite normal. You are not alone in this, and I applaud you for knowing that you are not "wrong". 

@LP: Agreed. I still marvel at the ignorance of those who don't-get-it.

@NoLongerInBergenJC: We all process at our own rates. I'm sorry that your husband had those small strokes and was difficult for so long. My wife had a personality change, but it lasted only a few months before she died. If you don't mind my putting an oar in (where it may not belong), I would suggest that you contact a grief therapist (or more, if the first doesn't work out). I have a friend (also a widower) who is still seeing a grief therapist intermittently six years after his wife died. As I said, just a suggestion...

I would also agree with NoLongerInBergenJC that grief is not linear. I used to think I was slowly going insane when I found myself laughing and crying at the same time, back in "the early days" of being a widower. (I am now at the 7.5-year mark.) 

Hugs to all.

John

Comment by Roxi on Tuesday

I want to thanks all of you who write about this sad and hard journey...i'm overwhelming by emotions as anger desperation sadness feel guilt and thanks of you i know i'm not alone and i'm not wrong!!! Ciao roxi

Comment by LP on Tuesday

I think it's important for all of us to be able to acknowledge our feelings and accept that - for better or worse - those feelings are real and we are entitled to feel the way we do. Goodness knows we get enough people among the "un-widowed" telling us we "should" feel this way or that way. The point is that, whether we feel despair, acceptance, gratitude or anger, these are the feelings we in fact have, and as such they are valid. 

Comment by LP on Tuesday

Thank you for that, Maggie. Beautiful poem. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on Tuesday

I think we need to realize that grief is not linear.  It's not something you go through, and/or purge out, and then you're OK and "move on."  I am five years out and in the middle of a terrible sense of wondering why I am still here and not wanting to be here.  And yesterday I read a Facebook post by a friend who lost his partner almost 20 years ago and is also in the middle of a funk.  For me it was triggered by the sudden ghosting by a friend I thought I was close to, and the sudden death of the husband of someone I didn't know personally but had run into at my sister's parties. And my sister does not want me reaching out to her, insisting that she already has a support system.

I find myself wondering if I would still be in this funk if I'd been able to (and allowed myself to) process my grief when my husband first died.  It's not that I didn't, in fact, the way I felt yesterday where I took three naps and was still exhausted all day, felt all too familiar.  But I was so determined to be "just fine" that I think I pushed a lot own.  My grief is complicated by the fact that my husband had become very difficult in the last decade of his life and I could not have known that he'd been experiencing a series of small strokes that changed his personality.  So there is guilt and anger and other toxic things along with the grief.  

I let it out when it comes, but it only comes out in spurts of maybe five minutes and then I have to take a nap.

 

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