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Born in the 50s

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Comment by Melissa on March 13, 2019 at 11:35pm

I tell you guys everything, but I am so guilty about the days before my husband's death I can't even let you know. It eats me alive, but there's nothing to be done now.

Yes, I will die alone, just as I am alone now, but nobody on earth deserves to die alone.

Life has already beaten us half to death. Let's try to be kind to ourselves.

Love to you all.

Comment by CarLady on March 13, 2019 at 8:16pm

I watched Hereafter, a movie by Clint Eastwood. He did years of research into near-death experiences before making this movie. It gave me hope that my DH is watching from Heaven, that he must be happy there and that he wants all of us left behind to be happy and live on.  It gives me hope we will all be together in the afterlife.  Peace to all on this lonely path.  

Comment by shelley on March 13, 2019 at 7:55pm

Also watching 'After Life'.  Recommended by widow friends.  Like it a lot.  Makes me cry but I cry anyway.  

Comment by Gary'swife on March 13, 2019 at 7:29pm

@KJPE   So sorry.  5 months is such a short time.  It's nice this site is helpful to you.  Sending hugs.

Comment by Gary'swife on March 13, 2019 at 7:28pm

Watching Netflix tonight and a show called "After Life" came up.  It has Ricky Gervais in it, as a man whose wife died of cancer.  I wasn't sure I could watch it, and I probably could not have before, but as it's been 5 years I don't burst into tears, but am a bit comforted by some of the things the characters go through.  

Comment by KJPE on March 13, 2019 at 5:59pm

PS Yesterday was 5 months since my darling left this world.

Comment by KJPE on March 13, 2019 at 5:59pm

I'm so grateful to get your comments in my email box every day.  I feel so much less alone when I read them, regardless of whether you are sad, blaming yourself, regretful, lonely, or reassuring and comforting.  this wasn't the path I had planned or hoped for but now that I"m on it, I'm so appreciative that I am on it with all of you.

Comment by shelley on March 13, 2019 at 5:04pm

I get the 'woulda, shoulda, couldas'.  I work hard at re-routing my thoughts away from the 'what ifs'.  But lately I've been wondering- did I really think John would outlive me?  He had an artificial heart valve.  He had lymphedema.  He was almost cancer-free.  He was 12 years older than me.  Did I believe what I wanted to believe rather than what was the truth?  Was I naive?  In denial?  Was his death just too hard to think about?  Even in the hospital when I learned that the bacteria had eaten through both sides and the back of John's heart-  I was positive he would survive.  Ridiculously optimistic? An unrealistic belief in miracles?  I know it doesn't matter now.  Just my current thoughts.  

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on March 13, 2019 at 4:42pm

@Gary's wife:  So you know what it's like.  I have to admit I was never the same at work.  I had a contractor working with me who really saved my bacon for 4 years after my husband died but when she left I knew I had nothing left and I quit my job in January 2018, leaving my 2017 bonus, guaranteed health insurance until Medicare, and 8 months pay in a six-figure job on the table.  That's how burnt out I was.  I don't think we ever recover from this.

I did take 2 weeks off, but only 3 of them were bereavement days.  Meanwhile, another employee of the same ethnicity as our manager was able to be out for three months when her father died.  I had to come back after 2 weeks.  I will never forgive her for that double standard.  I am well out of that company, come what may.

FMLA allows you to take 3 months per year of unpaid leave.  NJ has six weeks of "paid" leave, but it is like being on unemployment.  I was the only income and who knew how long this was going to take?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who had that experience, but I wish NO ONE did.  I don't know why we don't have decent leave policies in this country.  How anyone thinks an employee can be productive in such a situation is beyond me. Capitalism sucks.

Comment by Gary'swife on March 13, 2019 at 4:37pm

NoLongerInBergen -  your story brings up memories of when my first husband died of colon cancer which had metastasized to the liver.  This was in 1990, and back then you had to be determined to probably die in 6 weeks in order to get hospice.  The year before I had finally gotten my dream job, and was so afraid of getting fired...I took off a few mornings or afternoons to drive from North Jersey to Montefore in the Bronx for experimental chemo, and my boss wasn't sympathetic.   I had to leave my husband alone, even though he should not have been...finally 2 weeks before he died my mother agreed to come from Kansas to stay with us for 3 weeks to help.  He died 2 weeks after she arrived, and 2 days after being placed on hospice.  I was with him when he died at home, but was not at all prepared....he did not die the way it says in the hospice literature, talking up until the last moments.  I took 1 day off of work, as luckily he died on a Sat., and Monday was a Holiday.  The funeral was on Tuesday and I was back to work on Wed.     Luckily I kept my job, although I couldn't really function for several weeks, although I showed up every day for work.   I too was terrified of loosing our health insurance, and my income.   Sending hugs to all.  


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