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Born in the 50s

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Members: 695
Latest Activity: 19 hours ago

Discussion Forum

DATING?

Started by Dianne in Nevada. Last reply by Tess on Monday. 109 Replies

MOVING?

Started by Dianne in Nevada. Last reply by Sheryls Dec 5, 2017. 6 Replies

I'm A Grandma!!!

Started by Susan. Last reply by Susan Nov 7, 2017. 9 Replies

in-laws of deceased husband

Started by Prissy. Last reply by vintage56(barb) Oct 12, 2017. 7 Replies

TRAVELING ALONE?

Started by CarolinaHeart. Last reply by Averysmom Jul 20, 2017. 67 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by NancyD on January 11, 2018 at 7:07am

I love that metaphor, Lev: "I am struggling to get back on to the horse that I put into the stable so that I could be present for my husband 100%.  I am not a robot so there are no on/off switches."  That describes me and my life perfectly.  I am so grateful I was able to be there for my husband through his illness but I wonder what happened to riding my own horse!  I also look back at the last year and wonder how I made it through each day so calmly.  I did realize even then that I had shifted into a robot-like, efficiency mode. Trying to find my "self" again is a big task.  I learn from all of you here to be gentle and calm with myself as I attempt it. One day at time. 

Comment by Lev on January 10, 2018 at 12:03pm

Hi Prissy.  I identify with your reflection about your life and your present way of being.  

I tell myself that I am exhaling. Quietly.  I am struggling to get back on to the horse that I put into the stable so that I could be present for my husband 100%.  I am not a robot so there are no on/off switches. 

What I have found to be very useful is to do some very interesting online courses with FUTURELEARN...it is free and a quiet yet interesting and stimulating way to connect with people across the globe.  

To my friends whose first response is to say "I'm so busy". I have found a way to erase that from our conversation by asking, "how are you doing aside from being very busy at being busy?".   

Iknow that they've not had the experience of taking care of their husbands or anyone else around the clock. 

Watching ones husband fade away into what I can only call the other side...is emotionally draining - especially since one has to be strong, steady, supportive and energetic for the duration of the journey. 

 Embrace your quiet time and just be your beautiful self.  Take care.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on January 10, 2018 at 7:35am

Thank you for returning here with such an inspiring post, Danny's girl. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this but so very grateful that your people (and Danny) have surrounded you with loving support. Please stay in touch and know you have this group to hold you up when you need it.

My husband's cancer was also diagnosed with a large tumor on his spine - that wasn't found until they did an MRI after he lost complete ability to walk. His was multiple myeloma.

Comment by Barzan on January 10, 2018 at 5:36am

Danny's girl,

Your post brought tears to my eyes.  I, too, have felt the isolation when having gone into knee replacement surgery - alone.  My favorite cheerleader was not at my side.  I did have my son, brother and lots of friends who's support gave me comfort.  Stay strong and give each day 100%.  Our journey is not over, it's just different.  I send loving supportive vibes your way.  

Keep posting here.  We want to know how you are doing.  You have a lot of caring people here.

Comment by Slick on January 10, 2018 at 4:46am

Danny's girl ..I am so sorry you are going through all this but happy you have had so much support.....your life reads similar to mine...so many of the most important people in my life passed early 50's including my husband in 2011...I have also had cancer....and a major shoulder surgery...and can remember just doing what I had to do as if Bill was next to me....God bless you and keep you strong....wishing you all the peace your heart can hold..

Comment by booktime (Susan) on January 10, 2018 at 1:52am

danny's girl, so inspiring and uplifting! I'm sorry you are going through the cancer diagnosis but your story reminds us that what we give we do get back in some form or another. You must be a wonderful friend and relative to have so many people care about you!

Thank you for sharing...and reminding me to reach out.

Comment by danny's girl on January 9, 2018 at 9:52pm

Hi All, It has been quite a while since I have commented here, but I do check in on occasion even after 7 years. . I lost my high school sweetheart and husband of 31 years on December 18, 2010. He was 53 years old and passed just one month after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We did not have children and both of us worked hard over the years and achieved success in our professions in the hope of retiring early and enjoying life together. We knew that stuff happens in life....his only sibling was diagnosed with cancer at age 34 and fortunately survived. I lost my oldest brother (melanoma) and oldest sister (heart attack) just 6 months apart from each other in 2002. They were ages 53 and 51 respectively. So Danny and I planned accordingly financially to assure that we would be set for early retirement and financial security should something happen to either of us. Four years after losing Danny, I did take early retirement. It is certainly not the retirement I planned on, but I am blessed that I have the opportunity to be in this position.


After Danny passed, my thought process was that I truly did not want to live without him...after all, we had been together since we were 16. I struggled through my grief, threw myself into my work, put on a strong facade for family and friends, did some traveling with my sister and all the while my heart was broken.


In March of 2017 I started to experience pain in my back which the cat-scan showed as degenerative disc disease and possible arthritis. As I stepped out of bed one morning my legs gave out and I landed on the floor. I ended up in the ER unable to walk and with no sensation in my legs and feet. An MRI showed a tumor on my spine...6 hours later I was rushed into surgery having what turned out to be a 6 inch malignant tumor removed from my spine. I cannot even begin to tell you how alone I felt in the ER, headed to surgery and hearing a cancer diagnosis. All this was happening to me and all I wanted was for Danny to be there with me. I have had radiation treatment, physical therapy and lots of doctors appointments in the past 10 months. I have thankfully progressed from a wheelchair to a walker to a cane but still have work to do to regain full mobility. But what I have also experienced during this time is an outpouring of love and support from family (siblings, nieces, nephews, in laws, cousins), old friends and neighbors, and former coworkers. I am humbled by the volume of cards, texts, emails, phone calls I received. And the greatest gift I received in this was the realization that I do still have a lot to live for. I miss Danny with all my heart, but he is going to have to wait a bit longer before I join him! He may not have been here physically for me, but his spirit is definitely with me.


Get out and live each day as best you can and reach out to others. I wish you all peace and good health in 2018!

Comment by Seashell on January 8, 2018 at 2:08pm

Wow! NoLongerInBergen. You really hit a core with me. It has been 4 plus years since Jerry died and this year has been a challenge for me. Both of my daughters have gone through divorces from very narcissistic men. I sold my home and moved 40 miles away (I still work full time and have only 4 years until retirement). After my husband died I had no choice but to remodel our old home and found that while others lives were continuing to move forward mine was not. I understand not having the energy. I have tried the on-line dating but that was a bust - yes, men our age pretty much are looking for that younger woman. I had a great husband who loved me for me and never looked outside our marriage at other women. Go ahead and take the time to grieve the loss of your husband. This has been a challenging year for me in the grieving process and I am finding that I am grieving the things I didn't have time to grieve before. Allow yourself that time. There are those who listen. That is what this site is for. We do understand. Thank you for allowing me to feel that I am feeling normal.

Comment by chef (John) on January 8, 2018 at 9:17am

Prissy,

We all tend to be our own worst critics. Joni Mitchell put it best in her song Moon at the Window:

"...Nobody's harder on me than me
(How could they be?)
And, nobody's harder on you than you.."

Do what makes you happy. You're the only person you have to please.

Good thoughts and wishes to everyone for the coming year.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on January 8, 2018 at 9:07am

@Prissy:  Well, unless something changes in the next 23 days, I will be retired as of January 31.  It was not planned; I had wanted to stay until the end of the year, but I am burnt out and exhausted, and after a workday that went from 7 AM one day until noon the next day, I decided I just cannot do this anymore.  At 62 I am too old for 14-36-hour days.  So I will have to scramble for health insurance for 11 months after COBRA runs out before Medicare kicks in.

My job has eaten so much of my life for so long, and I am so burnt out, that it will be months before I know what I want to do.  I live in an area with two major universities, a lot of social service opportunities and rich cultural life so there are lots of options.  and I DO have friends and my sister so I can socialize as much or as little as I want to.  But the down side of this is that left to my own devices, I am the proverbial "object that stays at rest" and like you, I would end up puttering and writing and learning once again what I like to do because my job has pushed all my hobbies out of my life.  

The other thing waiting for me is grief.  When my husband died 4+ years ago, I was working killer hours, lost two cats, had my house remodeled, decided it was time to move, packed up 20 years of my life in my house (jettisoning half of my stuff) and moved 500 miles away.  Kept working from home, settled in, built a social life.  So I have hardly had time to process the loss of my husband, two cats, and both parents in that time.  And it is starting to hit now, at a time when no one wants to hear about it.

Especially when it is cold like this, and when I find that the door to my crawl space is open and I am the one who has to go in there and make sure there are no critters in there before locking it, I wish I had someone to share these years with.  But the problem is that I don't want "someone", I want the one that I had and I don't want to go "looking" for another one, especially when I want to just accept who I am and not worry about "pretty" anymore and especially not wanting to worry about "thin" anymore.  I do not have it in me to get hurt again by men who might always be looking for something younger, thinner, prettier that might be around the corner now that online dating has made it an unlimited buffet.  I lucked out once.  Lightning doesn't hit twice for those who don't meet societal standards of "pretty."  So I am continually working through that.

I wish everyone a peaceful 2018.  

 

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