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Born in the 50s

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Comment by KJPE on January 16, 2019 at 6:01pm

I can join in all of you, dears, by saying that New Year's day & the 2 weeks or so following were the hardest yet despite the fact that my darling Greg died last fall, Oct. 12 of 2018.  The thought of starting a new year without him was so awful, and made me so aware of the infinite time ahead during which, as one writer said, he didn't just die, he is still dead.  No one knows how desperate the yearning for our lost spouses is except those of us living through it.  I send a heartfelt thank you to all of you for sharing this terrible time with me.  Going back to work helped a lot.  I'm back & at least while I'm working I'm okay.

Comment by Melissa on January 16, 2019 at 5:43pm

Thank you, Shelley. I don't really think about them much, which is why the dream caught me off guard. Gilbert tried so hard to fix it and couldn't, so I try to remember the good days when his parents were alive. 

You have helped me, Shelley. Thank you. Much love~

Comment by shelley on January 16, 2019 at 2:44pm

Hey Melissa, What a terrible, terrible story.  I can't imagine how hard that must have been.  I've had problems with John's daughter, but nothing like what you went through.  I'm assuming you're still angry with them.  What do you do with your anger?  How does someone get over something like that?  Wish I could help you feel better.  Know I can't.  I am very sorry, Melissa.  

Comment by riet on January 16, 2019 at 12:06pm

Dear Susan, 

Thank you so much for your comforting words. I needed them very much.  I will keep this in my heart. And read it again and again when difficult moments appear. Also hugs to you and to everyone having a hard time.

Comment by Melissa on January 16, 2019 at 11:06am

Shelley, my husband's siblings hated me. There's no other word for it. His parents loved me, but after they passed the true feelings of the siblings came out.

There are three sisters and two brothers. When I notified them of Gilbert's stroke, they came in and tried to take over. Gilbert did not want to be kept on life support. We'd talked about that for years. The siblings came in and took over. There were ten of them (counting their spouses) and me. They accused me of wanting him dead. It was so awful that I stayed away from the hospital because I didn't want Gilbert to sense negativity. I wanted his room to be peaceful and quiet while he was getting ready to make his transition. 

As a result, I was not with him when he passed. The siblings had a funeral for him (something else he didn't want) and didn't invite me. I haven't spoken to or heard from any of them since Gilbert died. 

So, I know exactly where the dream came from. Gilbert was always a buffer between me and them, trying to make things work out. Gilbert was Mexican and I am not, so the siblings thought I wasn't good enough for their brother, even after 22 years.

He was still trying to fix things in the dream. Thank you, Shelley.

Comment by shelley on January 16, 2019 at 10:46am

Oh, Melissa.  What a horrible dream!  Are you having problems with your sisters & brothers in law?  I've had some weird and scary dreams but being cut with knives and jagged things-  really awful.  I'm so sorry.  Are you trying to figure out what the dream was getting at?  Or are you just enjoying seeing your husband and having him trying to protect you?  

Comment by booktime (Susan) on January 16, 2019 at 10:43am

I don't think I have ever dreamed about Ed or maybe I have. Not one to really remember!

Riet, I need to respond to you. Don't be so hard on yourself. We can be the hardest on ourselves and we need to be more gentle with ourselves. Believe you did what you could. I tell myself this. I didn't really know that Ed was going to die until about 4 hours before. That's when the hospice nurses said so.

I beat myself up a lot after he died - what did I do wrong, what could I have done differently, why didn't we talk, why, what, etc.

Now into my 6th year I am accepting that I did what I did and could. Nothing would have changed if I had done it differently.

The other thing I want to respond to you is I can never enjoy life's wonderful moments with Ed again but I can enjoy them. It's not the same - how can it be? But different is OK with me now.

I am not letting Ed go. In fact as I move forward in this new life, I hold him tighter. He's almost like my security blanket! He loved me, I loved him - how special was that! My life is what it is today because of him.

I just want to send hugs to you, Riet. It's still so raw for you but be gentle and kind to yourself. Breathe and take your time. It hurts like hell now but my experience is that the rawness changes. It's what we do with our lives from now on that matters - to you, to others, and your husband!


Comment by Melissa on January 16, 2019 at 10:35am

I had a dream about my husband the other night. His siblings were cutting me with knives and jagged things. My husband suddenly was standing beside me and asked why I was letting them hurt me like that.

I told him I would be happy to let them hurt me if it brought him back.

Not a good dream at all, but it was so good to see my husband, and he was trying to protect me, as he did in life. 

Comment by riet on January 16, 2019 at 6:57am

The dreams in which my husband lives are seldom pleasant. I see him and call him, and I know he hears me, but he can not answer and goes away.
I am always broken after such a dream. I'm even afraid to go to bed at night. I would like to ask him for his approval. And how sad I am that on the night he died, I did not do everything right. But I did not know that he would die then. I would like to hug him again. After nine months I hoped to move forward, but it looks like he died yesterday. I have never had so much grievance. The world and my life have lost all colors. Although it is winter here, the days are getting longer. I see that it will all change, only ... what does it matter if we can not enjoy it together?

Comment by Barzan on January 16, 2019 at 5:41am

It been over 7 years and I still (occasionally) have him in my dream.  What is weird is that he never speaks in these dreams.  Wonder if it means I'm forgetting his voice - which I know I'd recognize if I heard it.  I've had a few where he was lying next to me and only a few that were more intimate.  It is such a comforting feeling when I wake up and still feel like he'd been there with me.


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