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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Crazy - taxes

Started by KJPE. Last reply by cupspinner Apr 10. 4 Replies

Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Alysoun Nov 30, 2018. 24 Replies

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Comment by Melissa on Saturday

Tekwriter, the whole first year is a blur of pain interrupted by the business of his death. Nothing stands out to me, although I'm sure if someone brought up something we did, I would remember.

I have little memory of the days. I think it's probably like being in an awful accident. You know you got through it, and long days of recovery, but you can't remember how.

"Widow brain" is a real thing. You're doing fine.

Thank you, Bergen. I'm handling the "Now what?" now. While it's difficult, at least I feel I have control of my choices again. The first year felt as if I were in the middle of a tsunami; tossed around like an old sock. Now I think I may be crawling from the wreckage . . .

Comment by Tekwriter on Saturday

Thank you no longer in Bergen. I found your post helpful. I hope I have mitigated some of these by moving and have already taken care of the clothes issue I guess while I was still in shock. I find I have very little memory from May till the beginning of September, except for when I had my dog put to sleep. Can anyone tell me if that is normal? I hope so. I will start looking around for some ideas of something to at least think about joining.

Comment by Roxi on Saturday
  • You're right nolonger and i'm grateful of your shared experience...i need to know that will be better...i have some good friends but don't appreciate my life now...i only feel happiness imagine i can see him again...and in some ways i want forget his bad time facing his awful illness...i remember him full of joy of living...i think i need to mantain some illusions...to not face the hard true..thanks for bring me back to reality and give me hope hugs ciao 
Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on Friday

To all those in Year Two:  Please be aware that it is not uncommon for the second year to be worse than the first.  It is in the second year that it all starts to become real.  The numbness has worn off, the logistics have been taken care of, perhaps you have started going through belongings and clothes, and then it's "Now what?"  What I will say is that in the third year it does get better for most people.  And this is where resilience comes in.  We realize that we have no choice but to make something of the lives that lay in front of us.  This doesn't mean we forget.  It doesn't mean we don't get sad.  But if you can find good friends, find a way to enjoy things in this new life, it does get better.

I am 5-1/2 years into this now.  I notice that I am not thinking about my husband every minute of the day anymore.  I moved 500 miles away after two years.  I made new friends, I retired a year ago, and I have a life.  I still wish my husband were still here, but with a caveat -- not if he were still depressed and angry and we were  dealing with multiple illnesses.  And the truth is that if he had not had a stroke, his life would still have been diminished by having this moyamoya disease, and he likely would have already died from a recurrence of bladder cancer by now.  At the very LEAST, he would have been horribly depressed.  But if he could come back the way he was when we were  young, when he was funny and fun?  Absolutely.  But that's not going to happen.

And learning how to enjoy the new life has yet another set of feelings, including guilt.

Comment by CarLady on Friday

Ultra2015 - I understand the vehicle connection so well.  I bought my DH a Toyota RAV4 (I worked for Toyota) about a year before he became ill with AML leukaemia. He loved that vehicle so much. When he was ill I drove him almost daily to appointments for transfusions, I never drove his vehicle before then. After he passed I gave my sedan to my daughter and kept his RAV, but every time I drove it I saw Bill in the passenger seat curled up with his feet on the dash.  After a year I just couldn’t cope and gave his RAV to our son, who has it still and loves driving his dad’s car.  I bought myself a new RAV as the body style had changed; I loved the vehicle but I wanted to let go of thinking of Bill as critically ill. He was only ill for 14 months; at diagnosis he was only given 2 months but he was a strong, healthy outdoorsman all his life and that’s how he would want to be remembered.  

tekwriter - I agree. 5.5 years without my Bill feels like punishment, but I know he was not ready to leave us and he fought to his last day.  I keep reminding myself he is the one who’s been punished for no reason and is missing out, missing us, missed his daughter’s wedding, and will miss the birth of our first grandchild this summer.  He deserved to live a full life, but life isn’t fair.  Cancer should be the fate of serial killers and monsters.  

I think this year I’m finally emerging from 5 years of depression. I didn’t realize until recently how deeply I’ve been down - you can’t see it until a light appears at the end of the tunnel and you’re able to look back.  Hugs to all in the tunnel. Have faith you will reach a better place if you take it one day at a time. 

Its Victoria Day weekend here in Canada, the start of summer season although it sure hasn’t felt like it weather wise.  Peace to all my sisters and brothers in widowhood. 

Comment by KJPE on Friday

I've got it too - the unverbalized deal that says, OK now that I've been through ______________ it's time to come back & make this all be over.  Our 34th anniversary is tomorrow & I'm crying a lot.  First one since he's been gone.  I'm with you, LP, Tekwriter, Ultra 2015.

Comment by LP on Friday

Yes, I'm going through that too in my second year - i feel no enthusiasm for anything. Don't get me wrong - I have tried - went on a hiking holiday in Mallorca with a good friend, met friends for coffee and dog walks etc. I've tried the "fake til you make it" approach but it doesn't work. If anything, it just points up the gulf between how I feel inside and the world around me (which gets on with life). Nothing seems to get me out of that "meh" attitude to everything. And yes, I think we all have that feeling after the first anniversary of "OK, I've done my time mourning, I want my reward now(the loved one back alive)". And the realisation that it's not going to happen, not now, not ever, is a killer.

Comment by Tekwriter on Friday

I wish I had thought of "okay you have been dead long enough, you can come back now". I wish it worked that way. but nope. I am past my first anniversary. I am past my irrational anger period. I am just lonely. I don't know what to do. I really don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I like to go to school but nothing here is free for seniors and I am broke since I just bought the house and neither of my sons are working yet. I did no go to the grief group. It is a long story, they are only 5 weeks long anyway, it is not ongoing. Maybe something will come up. Hope everyone has a good day.

Comment by Ultra2015 on Friday

Made a decision.  Something that hasn't come easy since I lost Sandi.  I made one about 6 months ago about my car.  Sandi found our CRV to be very uncomfortable in the last year, so we went looking for a car.  I was looking for something practical and comfortable for her.  As we looked, everything I pointed out she said was boring or looked like a mini van.  Then she spotted a Toyota 4Runner that was all jacked up, big tires, and she basically needed a step ladder to get into.  But once in, she said she loved the seats.  And I believed her.  Truth be told she wanted me to have something fun and tough looking like all the younger folks around us have when she was gone. You know, pickups with wild wheels and off road tires that they never take off road.  So we bought it.  Then with in three months she couldn't get in it anymore and I had it de-pimped and had it restored to original.  Lowered it, regular tires, etc.  It took me a while but I finally traded the 4Runner in for a Tacoma that more fits my style and has a small truck bed for me to get stuff for the garden and such.  

Well that's a long intro into the fact that I'm selling my motorcycle.  Thats the Ultra15 HD.  We traveled many miles on a previous big Harley and traded our 06 for this 2015, brand new, in May 2015.  Then on June 9th she was diagnosed with MBD.  The original breast cancer had metastasized to her brain.  So for nearly 4 years now the Harley has sat in the garage with 1,200 miles on it.  Our last trip on the old Harley put on about 4,000 in one summer.  I called a friend at the dealership and tomorrow it goes.  I can't concentrate enough to feel safe on it, I don't want to ride with the groups from the club and I am sick of walking by it everyday.  So it has to go.  Just another piece of us that I am losing.  

The kids think its for the best.  They worry about me riding in this condition and have said if you feel better later on I can always pick up something smaller to tool around on.  It feels right and it feels like I'm leaving behind another piece of our life that I can't get back.  

Thanks

Ron

Comment by Roxi on Friday

Riet the anniversary is a very hard day...even if i try to do something we like together... There' s no joy anymore without him....i try to see in different  ways but emotions overwhelming me...one of the hardest is the need of seeing him again talkin' to him laughing with him...and is very devastating thing to do...i'm smiling reading melissa post..."you've ben dead long enough. You can come back now". Thank melissa for express so well my feeling... Ciao rox

 

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