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Born in the 50s

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I'm A Grandma!!!

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Comment by marybarcelos on October 19, 2017 at 11:36am

Wow slick, after I read your post I literally started to cry.   I had always heard " a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter for the rest of your life".  That's how it's been with me.  My oldest son lives in Brazil and he has been on me about everything since he was 15.  I paid his way for him to come visit when my husband passed away. Then With his second marriage I paid for him, his wife, son to come. put it on my CC  Once they got here, it was the same thing,  Not much time for me and very defense.  He spend a lot of quality time with his dad with whom I have been divorced since 1986.  I had all the family here.  The one from New York, Colorado, and my son here in calif.  The one in Calif, his wife wouldn't even come over. She is still mad at me for finally telling them they had to leave.  14 mons they stayed, I tried to separate fists fights etc.  I accepted her son and they trashed my home. What kept me going was my granddaughter. She just turned 4, and I miss her so much.  Her mother can be so evil. when living with me and she would be mad at me, she told my grandchild, don't play with grandma.  Just so much. I decided to just turn my back.  But Mia my granddaughter called sot speak to me.  I called her at her babysitters house. it was so nice. She asked me to sing to her, her favorite songs etc.   I would like to tell my son just pretend i'm dead.  but I miss my granddaughter.  They live 2 hours away, so I don't know when I will see her.  Slick when your mom told you that, did it help your relationship?   I'm glad you have your older daughter.  My son in Colorado has been much more respectful and he has 4 children, I plan on flying out in dec.  My son in New Your doesn't have any children, He is so detached though.  I have asked him so many times, hey just once a month call to say hi,  When I call it's always voice mail and he takes time to call back.  I called him 3 times once before he responded, I asked him him, gee what if it was emergency.   So I detached from him myself.  I saw them in july, he called 2 times I didn't answer.  I paid for a professional photographer to take all our pictures. Had them printed gave them theirs and told them that was their birthday, christmas present.  I'm planning on retiring and will be in a very limited income.  I sometimes at home just spontaneously breaks out in sobs, but at least i'm reducing my depression medication and i made an appointment to see a counselor at the end of the month.  Thanks for your post slick, I think I will ask my son if I can see Mia.     

Comment by irishlady on October 19, 2017 at 11:33am

thank you all. Your kindness and advice is so appreciated. My daughter has 3 in college, one is 16, just started driving and the little one is 8. I miss him the most. the others are older and off doing their thing. You know. I have asked for suggestions of things to do with the youngest and times etc, and nothing. weekends are the only time he is home from school, but she usually has plans for him then. I have asked if he would come over here for a sleepover occasionally. She said yes, so might try to set something up. I have had 2 more long texts from her today. I tried to explain how I was feelingl and only got more condemnation. Maybe it's me? Maybe I am going about it all wrong? She seems to hold so much against me. My Mom lived with us and we had many arguments, but I always went into her room at the end of the day and said I was sorry for what I had said. and gave her a kiss goodnight and told her I loved her. My daughter has never once said she is sorry. Not ever! I despise confrontation. It upsets me too much. I would forget everything she has said in an instant if she extended the "olive branch". But she does not seem willing, According to her I never go to anything they have...not true at all. I was just there in September for the granddaughter's 16th birthday. I was told they didn't think I had a good time as I left too soon. I left when the party was over. So, according to her she has "given up inviting me anywhere as she knows the answer" which makes me feel like she has given up on me entirely. So sad. Pray for us both. PS: I was considering asking her if she would do mother/daughter counseling with me. I'm pretty sure I know the answer.

Comment by Slick on October 19, 2017 at 5:28am

Irish Lady....I feel so makes life harder when your grown children aren't too nice and comforting to us...I lost my middle daughter 20 years ago at 21 in a horrible car husband passed on her birthday it's a bittersweet day  for me....I have 2 other grown oldest is sweet and always there when I need an ear...her kids are in their teens....they call and text me once in awhile...when I see them the hugs and love is my youngest is a different story....she has told me to get out of her house 3xs....her husband was home the last time and told her she was out of line...I had lung cancer...and was supposed to stay with her for 3 days after discharge ...I left the next morning...they were arguing, making me so uncomfortable I just wanted to go to bed..and relax and they were making it difficult......I used to clean their house when they were both working ..and they did pay me ..not even close to what they would have pain someone else but still the extra helped me...I also went over and above the call of duty......No their son is 2.....I have been there for them since the day  he was born, I am the emergency call at midnight...I have babysat , cleaned, talked to both of them..there for everything....and yet I am still talked to like I am nothing and no one at times.....the last straw was the last daughter was way off base, disrespectful...and I had I told her what my mother told me when I was 22 with 2 babies and had a question.." some girls have lost their need to pretend I'm dead and who would you ask then" I said "I don't know but that's what I'll do" .........well she went nuts with how mean and nasty I am.....REALLY....too bad.....I waited a week...sent her an e-mail asking if there was anything she needed to do....that she could go out for the day and I could have a play date with my grandson........she told me NO.....well I took care of that I see my grandson once a daughter is respectful and kind to me but I do prefer she go out and I'm alone with the baby....I love her , she's my child.....but she will watch the line of boundaries from now on...she cannot talk to me like I'm her friend...and don't ever use a child in an adult arguement....

so all of that to tell you I agree with marybarcelos....see your a relationship with them...and be cordial with your daughter if that's all she'll give...but don't let anyone beat you down...we've already been beaten enough.....Peace

Comment by marybarcelos on October 18, 2017 at 11:36am

Dear Irish Lady.  I understand.   I never realized how hard it was going to be with my adult children.  I have 4 sons.  It's been very difficult.  The furthest lives in Brazil, then New York and Colorado and calif.  I life in calif.  For my own sake of mind, after so much disrespect, i have just let them go.  I miss the grand kids, but I want to be healthy.  If they want a relationship with me it's up to them.  My bank has closed and moving on.  It was a hard decision by i have been able to reduce my medication.  I realize the grandchildren aren't mine, they belong to the wife's family anyway.  I do feel sad sometimes but it's better.  If you want to see your grandkids  you should go.  If your daughter wants you see her children, she needs to make an effort too.  It's about respect and honor, not even love.  the right thing to do.  

Comment by Athena53 on October 18, 2017 at 5:04am

IrishLady, is there any way you could just focus on the relationship with the grandchildren?  I'm blessed- I have a wonderful relationship with DS (my only child) and DDIL, but I'm really enjoying one-on-one time with my 3-year old granddaughter because now I can take her someplace special with me.  Her favorite thing now is to go to Starbucks, where I have coffee and she has a cake pop, so it doesn't have to be flashy and expensive.  Next weekend I'll visit (3 hours away) and bring some library books I chose for her.  I'm also taking her to a place where she can sit in a toy car or plane and watch videos while they cut her hair.  (OK, THAT will cost ore than my own haircuts.)  She and I have also started taking walks around the lake where I live.  Her little sister is only 11 months old so not quite ready for these excursions but eventually she will be.

I know that these things would still require the co-operation of your daughter- do you think they might work?  It would even give your daughter a bit of a break since you'd be taking care of one of the kids. 

Comment by irishlady on October 18, 2017 at 4:53am

Gary'swife...thank you for the kind words.       Athena53...I don't know what happened to the youngest two. Older boys are not as bad.     Gunnerx2....OMG thank you! I had the best laugh when I opened your message this AM. :)

Comment by Beth on October 17, 2017 at 9:03pm
Irish Lady...I have found that we have a different relationship with each of our children. It may be time to confront your daughter head on as it sounds as if (in her
mind) she feels something is lacking in her relationship with you and the grandkids. Perhaps her view of a granny is something different than what your view is? It hurts when we are at odds with our kids and I hope you two can come to understand and appreciate one another. Hugs to you!
Comment by Gunnerx2 on October 17, 2017 at 3:58pm
Irishlady I wish we lived closer so that we could go toilet paper your daughters house on Halloween. :)
Comment by Athena53 on October 17, 2017 at 3:21pm

So... when you ask her to visit your place she says it;s too far and you accept that, but when she asks you to her place and you refuse, she posts snarky messages on FaceBook? No, she's in the wrong. I'm sorry you have to deal with this- I remember your postings around Christmas when your son got engaged and felt sorry about your relationship with him, too.

Comment by Gary'swife on October 17, 2017 at 2:06pm


I do not have children, so I cannot reply to your question.

However, I just wanted to let you know I read your post, and you have my sympathies.



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