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Born in the 50s

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Comment by TP on November 9, 2018 at 6:37am

This sure is a roller coaster.  After a couple days of making some progress, today is painful, and I don't really know why.  Waking up crying has been going on intermittently since my wife was diagnosed, but I haven't woke up this sad in sometime. I've used 'you tube' for many subjects and recently came across a meditative sounds type of listen.  While my wife was ill she often had such music on to relax and even while she slept. Her condition forced her to sleep sitting up for over a year.... plus she  was light years ahead of me regarding anything spiritual or mind body. I can only say it seems to help. As I've (always) had trouble meditating / praying or even being silent ... these are helping calm my mind. 

Comment by Melissa on November 8, 2018 at 11:08am

I'm so sorry, Shelley. The one year mark really is just another day in a world of misery. Just get through the day as best you can. Be good to yourself. Talk to us. We understand. I will be thinking about you this weekend.

Much love~

Comment by LP on November 8, 2018 at 12:29am

I’m so sorry Shelly. Just let the sadness flow- we are here to hear you. I think that there is nothing we can do do to brace ourselves. They always tell you that if you’re caught by a riptide while swimming in the ocean, you should go with it because struggling against it makes it worse. I find this thought helps when I’m caught in the tsunami of grief. It hurts because his death WAS awful. Go with it, go through it acknowledging the sheer awfulness and you will come out the other side. We’ll be here to catch you.
Hugs
LP

Comment by shelley on November 7, 2018 at 6:55pm

So... this weekend will be the first anniversary of my husband's death.  I've thought about it, read about it, talked to other widows about it.  My life is so awful now.  Every day.  I decided not to do anything special-  just get through the day like I get through every other day.  And now, a few days before the anniversary, I find myself remembering what it felt like when the doctors told me that it was time to let him go.  I remember leaving the ICU panicked, crying, and a stranger finding me a box of kleenex.  I'm remembering calling my Mom because I  needed my Mom.  I'm thinking about lying down with him in bed as he died.  I still don't want to do anything special, still plan to just get through the day, but I am surprised at all the old feelings and memories surfacing.  Completely unconsciously.  Yuck.  

Comment by Lissa on November 7, 2018 at 3:22pm

God help me I have become the grumpy old lady in my neighborhood. I feel like standing outside and yelling at everyone to get off my yard. 

Thanks all I was able to laugh just writing this.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on November 7, 2018 at 8:42am

@marybarcelos:  The men  who want to follow you are not military and engineers, they are scammers -- probably young guys sitting in a room in Nigeria or elsewhere, pulling people's photos off the web and pretending to be single men.  Ignore them, block them, don't engage at all with them.

Lonely people are vulnerable and these guys prey on them.  Don't be prey.

Comment by marybarcelos on November 7, 2018 at 7:59am

I haven't comment in awhile, but I have seen all the comments and man, can I relate.  The Holidays are approaching and it is always hard for.  It's been 4 years for me and I'm doing so much in so many areas, but the being alone has not been easy at all.  All my life I have been surrounded by family till now.  The Holidays were so awesome, but no more.  My 4 boys all live far. I decided i didn't want to be alone this Thanksgiving again so I'm driving to Colorado.  It's 14 hours, but I will do it.  Christmas, I don't know yet what I will do, probably be here again or drive 4 hours away to be with my brother.  I married a much older man, we were together 15 years. glorious years.  He would worry that he was going to be a burden to me and I assured him that he wouldn't and he wasn't.  He is a burden now, because I need so and he was so good to me that it's impossible to think there will be someone else like him.  I used to tell him, that I didn't believe there would be a Clara for me, and I was right.  I am a people person, I like to be with people and yet here it is.  Working has helped immensely, but I'm retiring next year and 80 miles a day for work has taken a toll on me and my car.

In meeting anyone else seems so impossible to me.  I think it is easier on a man.  No one has even looked my way, I feel like I'm a window, people just see trough me.  When it comes to repairs, there is no one, I have to depend on my son that lives 2 hours away, and he doesn't make himself available, only when he needs me to take care of my granddaughter.   

I have also found out how many scammers there are on Instagram.   All these guys want to follow you, a lot of military and engineers. Two got to me.  They start so slow and sweet and touch on your vulnerabilities and next thing you know they are asking you for money.  They all work on rigs, that may be so, and your just their entertainment when they are bored.  The second one was unbelievable, until he wanted $200.  Looked them up on google, nothing.  It is really a scary place out there.  So I have learned to block, block. No I didn't send the money, because I don't have it, but I found it to be so cruel.  The best thing I have done for me is to start hiking, go every weekend and it has helped me mentally.  Thank you all for sharing, and does help to know your'e not alone.  

Comment by Barzan on November 7, 2018 at 7:00am

To all of us that find special dates and holidays unbearable, I have found a way to give purpose to my husband's legacy.  The year after he passed, I started up a clothing drive for at risk youth for the youth shelter where he worked until his passing.  I always do it halfway between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  The planning and organizing gets my mind on something that would make him proud and keeps me connected to him.  It also takes the edge off the actual major holidays.  And in the end, people benefit from my efforts.  Because there are people depending on me to follow through every year (6th annual coming up this year) I push forward even though I'd rather just curl up into a ball and hide from the world.  

Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays have sucked since he died and I'm convinced that they will continue to suck until my day arrives.  I've just decided to make them suck less.

One other thing that I should mention.  My MIL had a teddy bear made from my favorite shirt of his and when I really am hitting a wall, I just hug the heck out of the bear.  I find it gives me comfort.  

May all of you find that one thing that will soften the blow during these hard times.  Virtual hug to all.

Suzan

Comment by LP on November 7, 2018 at 6:40am

Riet, I know that ache - wanting so hard the one thing in the world that we can’t have. It’s really hard. Just try to breathe and think about getting through the next few hours. I try only to live in the ‘now’ because thinking about a future without C is too hard. 

Comment by riet on November 7, 2018 at 6:23am

The holidays, I am panicking for all of them.  The first Christmas Trees appear in the streets here. I hate to see it.

How can they be there when my husband is no longer here? Last days are hell indeed.  Maybe because of the weather. I am still organizing the photos.  All these things were put aside since he was sick.  

The illness started at the 20th of April 2014 and he died on the 20th of April 2018. In the photos I am now approaching this first date.  And I am thinking: only so much days left till the misery will start. I study his face and body on  every photo I see. I don't see anything that could predict , he would wake up half paralyzed on the 20th of April.

And I wished so badly, this had not happened.That he was still with me. 

 

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