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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

How old was he?

Started by sadderbytheday. Last reply by DIVA70 Jan 26. 6 Replies

Ugh...Christmas.

Started by Lark. Last reply by Maggiepie Jan 24. 14 Replies

Keeping a journal sometimes helps

Started by sadderbytheday. Last reply by sadderbytheday Dec 31. 9 Replies

Little Family?

Started by Hope. Last reply by Freebird Nov 29, 2019. 18 Replies

Anyone experiencing loneliness?

Started by bblue5. Last reply by Freebird Nov 27, 2019. 16 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by LP on February 12, 2020 at 12:32pm

Gary's wife, Isn't it funny the things we remember? So long ago and like it was yesterday. I'm glad you're strong enough now to get rid of the box. Any sooner, i suspect would have not been the right time. But now it has served its purpose.

I'm the way about C's riser chair. We got it when he first became ill and couldn't get up from the sofa. At first I kept it because he spent so much time in it over the four years of his illness, and it always meant that he was feeling better when he wanted to be moved to it from the bed. But now it symbolises only his illness and the years i spent looking after him - which was my privilege, but it also broke my heart to see him suffer. So I have decided to donate it, and to put back his father's old 1920s chair that he used to sit in  in healthier days.

I had a bad day yesterday. It'll be two years on Feb 28 and already I feel my stomach knotting. But yesterday, a friend of mine (not close) who also knew my Chris, thought she'd tell me about a funeral of the husband of another friend of hers. She told me how her husband had remarked how odd and surreal it seemed to imagine that X was in 'that box' as they carried the coffin into the crematorium. And she just kept going on about how odd it was to think of his "dead body in that box", and I just kept backing away, saying "yes, yes, I  do know know how awful it is, in fact", but she wouldn't it let go. It was so insensitive and crass, it had me in tears for two days. she made me remember exactly what I didn't want to remember. I struggled to stop thinking of C's body when I helped carry his coffin onto the crematorium, and she brought the whole thing back again. I am so, so tired of making excuses for people's insensitivity - 'oh, they mean well". I'm exhausted and sick to the back teeth of "well-meaning" people. 

Comment by BEAV on February 12, 2020 at 12:24pm

This will be the first Valentine’s Day in 25 years without my Gary who passed suddenly and unexpectedly in August 2019.  I text my Sister this morning (she’s divorced), sort of joking how sick I am of being reminded of Valentine’s Day everywhere. Then a couple hours later at Trader Joe’s the cashier asked me “Sooooooo, do you have anything special planned for Valentine’s Day?” Grrrrrrr..... I just smiled and lied “yes.” 

Friday is Valentine’s Day, followed by Monday being 6 months since his passing, then Wednesday what would have been our 26th anniversary. A tough week ahead, but his incredible love will be my guide. 

Comment by shelley on February 12, 2020 at 12:16pm

Nice story, Gary'swife.  Thank you.  

Comment by Gary'swife on February 12, 2020 at 12:05pm

Feb. 18 will be 30 years since my first husband died.  My mom came to help me take care of him (he had cancer), and she was so afraid he would die on Valentine's day.   He asked her to buy me a box of chocolates and a nice card.   I kept the empty box for probably 15 years, but when I moved and got rid of EVERYTHING down to what fit in my car, I threw it out.   I can still recall the box, and the smell of chocolates, which amazingly lingered in the box for years.

Comment by shelley on February 8, 2020 at 8:05pm

Thank you for the sweet story, laurajay.  Roses.  John and I lived in San Francisco.  Golden Gate Park has the most beautiful Rose Garden.  And on the days that John left early for work, he would bicycle into the rose garden, steal me a rose and place it on the front steps for me to find when I ventured out.  I still have some of the roses, saved in books and journals.  John also hand crafted candles.  He insisted every night that we light candles.  We blew them out after sex and crossword puzzles when we were ready to spoon and fall asleep.  I miss him very much.  

Comment by laurajay on February 8, 2020 at 6:08pm

When  our  50th  came  in  2018  the only thing  we  had  ever  planned  was  that  my  husband  would  resume  bringing  me  roses for  our anniversary  -one  for each year  we had  been married...at about  35 yrs  I told  him to stop  spending  all that money  and  save  up  for  our  50th  because  yellow roses  were  getting  so expensive---so he stopped---then  he  died unexpectedly  after  44th  wedding  anniversary.  I  put it out of my mind when  he  died.  In  Jan  of 2018   our married  daughter  unbeknown to  me  came by  with  50  yellow  roses which she said  she  wanted  to  fulfill  her  father's  wishes  by  giving them to me.  I  filled  vases  all  throughout  the  house...it  was  very  touching  and  more  than  I  ever  expected  to happen-  Had he lived  I  think  we would have  kept  it  low keyed besides  the flowers.  We were  so  blessed in so many  ways...presents  on  red  lettered  days  were  not a part  of our  routine  over the decades...impromptu things  were  much more to our liking. I still  find  lighting  candles  very  special  probably  because  many  years  ago  we  hand crafted  candles  together  in  our  home  workshop and those  times  were  like  no others.  Now,  living  on a fixed  income  is quite  different  than  having  unlimited  funds.  Do  what  pleases  your  heart---it can be  a small  gesture  or  a bigger  celebration. Matters  not.  Remembering  to me  is  sufficient  when  50  yr. anniversary  arrives.

Comment by barbee on February 8, 2020 at 5:17pm

Feb 2 was my 7 year anniversary. We had been married just shy of 50 years when he passed. Someone here on WV had suggested on your anniversary that you do random acts of kindness. I couldn't imagine doing 50 different things! While I was trying to decide what to do, the Oso landslide happened not far from me, killing many and leaving many more isolated. It was the largest landslide in US history. Knowing several families involved, I was again devastated. 

What did I do to honor my husband? I wrote a $50 check. Actually three of them because we had three children. A check went to each Search and Rescue, the fire department, and the hospital. It was a very small way to help with the disaster, but my children and I were deeply touched.

I share this because someone here first shared the idea with me. Maybe you can find a cause or something  that will honor your husband and be close to your heart.

Comment by irishlady (jan) on February 8, 2020 at 2:15pm

I don't know if this is unique to WV or not, but my husband will be gone 7 years this coming April and 4 days later would have been our 50th wedding anniversary. We were both looking forward to that with great pride and excitement. We had no definite plans as it was still a ways off, but knew we would do something wonderful to mark the day. A family party? Renew our vows? (we did that on our 40th and so glad as he was gone 3 years later) Maybe a trip? I will always remember that day with much love, but now am dreading it as it is the 50th! Has anyone else run into this and how did you get through it? Did you plan anything special for that day. It is bad enough that my husband's funeral was on our anniversary 7 years ago. But, I have gotten though it every year, but this one. I feel I need to do something "special" for that day and not just let it go by like any other day. I do not do well on these anniversaries...day of his death etc...if left alone. So most years one of my 4 kids has taken me off for the day of his death,  and we've done something enjoyable. Nothing big, just "fun".So, my day is filled with happier thoughts. But, seems like I have hit a brick wall this year and just can't seem to decide what to do and kids all seem to have prior obligations that day. A large trip or cruise is not in the cards for me financially and I still do NOT like traveling alone. Anyone have any ideas or suggestions? Thanks.

Comment by Barzan on February 7, 2020 at 4:00pm

LP, I love Eva Cassidy and her music.  Did you know she lost her battle with cancer when she was in her early 30s.  Very sad.  Such a talent.   I love this song.  Really fits our life.

Hugs to you.

Comment by LP on February 7, 2020 at 2:40pm

I am coming up to the second anniversary on the 28th. I heard this song by Eva Cassidy. Have a listen on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crUm-v6o-0s

"I Know You By Heart"

Midnights in winter
The glowing fire
Lights up your face in orange and gold
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
It's line is etched in my memory
So I'd know you by heart

 

Mornings in April
Sharing the secrets
We'd walk on till the morning was gone
We were like children
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me
Lives on and on
'Cause I know you by heart

 

I still hear your voice
On warm summer nights
Whispering like the wind

 

You left in autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me
Everyday
'Cause I know you by heart
'Cause I know you by heart

 

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