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Born in the 50s

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in-laws of deceased husband

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Retire? Or Not?

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Comment by Susan on July 2, 2017 at 1:13pm

Hi Boo!

    That's sad on one hand, yet slightly funny on the other hand. ...  I always liked certain foods that Paul didn't. Of course we agreed on many things. But I enjoyed a lot what he called " Health Foods ". Yes, Salads were a big part of it. ... When I make Lobster Bisque, I just know Paul would love it ! 


Comment by Athena53 on July 2, 2017 at 12:41pm

Barzan, I had plenty of practice traveling alone before and during the marriage- I traveled on business and frequently had a weekend day (or a whole weekend) to myself in cities such as Delhi, Bangalore, London, Brussels, Munich, Zurich-- a fun challenge!  Even with DH, there were times I'd go out while he relaxed in the room since I had more stamina than he did.  He'd happily listen to my stories afterwards, and sometimes I found interesting things that we visited together later.

Since he died in November, I've been on a road trip to visit family in the Carolinas (2,500 miles in 9 days), went on a cruise in Central America and went to a meeting of my former professional society in Toronto.  So, sometimes I'm around people I know and sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I start conversations with strangers and sometimes I keep to myself.  The cruise was on a small ship where even couples didn't do things in tandem, so I didn't feel like a 5th wheel.  In March I'm going to India on a guided tour with my Aunt.  India isn't a good place to go bopping around on your own- public transportation is overcrowded and dodgy, driving is insane (not recommended for foreigners), so you're pretty much stuck with hiring a private driver, which is very isolating.  I've got my big trips planned, God willing, though the end of 2019.

Comment by Boo on July 2, 2017 at 10:54am

Susan, talk about tears coming at odd times.  My daughter and I were in the grocery store.  This one has a fabulous salad bar, so I was getting something for dinner.  I started thinking about D and how he didn't like half the things there... just teared up right there.   Once I got it together we joked about "salad bar-induced tears".  

Just never know when or where the remembrances will come and overwhelm you.  Take care.

Comment by WithoutJim on July 2, 2017 at 10:02am

Susan, I lost my Jim very suddenly and so I was not prepared at all. I was 62 then, 67 now. He was 73 but very active. We'd just been skiing the week before. A week later he went into respiratory distress. We did not know that he had leukemia (CMML). Will "talk" more later. Kids here.

Comment by WithoutJim on July 2, 2017 at 8:31am

Irishlady, my problem with my kids/grandkids is actually the opposite of yours, but troubling in its own way: they want too much of my time! I feel torn between two families. I'm lonely in the evenings, but too tired to do much else after being with the kids all day. I do absolutely LOVE them all and enjoy their company and do not want to move away from them, but I am tired of the lonely evenings. 

Barzan, I also want to travel. I was fortunate to travel with my Jim on his business trips to many cities in the states. We were also avid skiers; during the first 2 years of widowhood, I went on two ski trips, one to Utah with a ski club (all couples, very hard for me!) and the other to Italy (with Jim's daughter's family who I am now estranged from). I haven't skied the past two years because I was taking care of my baby granddaughter full-time. All my vacations recently have been to the beach with my kids' families. As the guest of my son's family for all but two that I funded totally in order to have everyone together. Traveling absolutely solo seems potentially too lonely though I have been following the blog of The Hungover Widow who has travelled with groups and has really enjoyed herself. 

Comment by Susan on July 2, 2017 at 8:22am

Without Jim,

    " I THINK : I know how you feel...  I think the younger a widow is, the more defenseless & anxious she feels. I'm 60.. I knew for almost 2 years that my husband of 38 years would have his life cut short by Glioblastoma.( Aggressive Brain Cancer) Yes, it hurts. Yes, I feel alone.  We were told way ahead of time to prepare ourselves for not what MAY happen, but for what WILL happen. ... After they stopped his Chemo Treatments, because he had all that his body could tolerate, He seemed to be doing well! But little did we know that tumors were growing at a fast rate on his spine.Then the worst happened.

     Now I'm living by myself in a house Paul bought for me. He worked on it to make it our own. He loved wood working. So everywhere I look, I see something he made.

     On Easter ( 2017 ) , My son and Daughter In Law told me that I'm going to a be a Grandma ( for the first time ) in October ! They just found out that the baby is a BOY!!!  Something to look forward to. But I wish Paul was here to enjoy our Grandson together.  But then again, How many children can say that their Grandpa is also their Guardian Angel ? :-)   ( I know, probably a lot ) ...

     After being married for 38 years, I can't imagine ever getting married again. I love Paul. I don't think there is another man out man as good as him.  But I would like a friend someday.  

      I have several Widow Friends. And of course the friends we have always had. ... But I'm still lonely. Loneliness must be the worst part of Widowhood. I don't think I ever lived alone. I went from my parents home, to our home. 

      The tears still come and go at the oddest times. Did you ever wake up with tears streaming down your face?  It happens. Or when I special song come on ? It happens all of the time.  Did you ever hear something and think to yourself, " I have to tell Paul about that! " ... Then I remember... :-( 

      I guess I spoke long enough.

Hugs & Prayers To All!



Comment by irishlady on July 2, 2017 at 6:56am

withoutjim....OMG I could have written your letter! I ma at the 4 year 3 month mark and I still struggle each day. IF I keep really busy I am OK, but alone..not good. tried counseling AGAIN..they were no help. I moved to a different state to be with one son and help him with my disabled granddaughter, but he brought him bipolar, alcoholic girlfriend in after 1 month and things went south REALLY fast and really bad. I have 4 kids, but I swear since their Dad has been gone I see them less than ever. I had old friends who disappeared after my husband died. I made some new ones through a grief group but then two of them have become real chummy and I always seem to be the odd woman out. I don't have as much money as they do, so can't always join in when they go to places. I am tired of being alone. today I see on facebook that everyone is having BBQ's and going places. I am here all alone. Just sick of it, but I don't make friends easily. I am a very loyal friend when I do and tend to keep friends for life on MY end  .I'm not a volunteer type. I was laways a stay at home Mom and then caretaker for various relatives, and an only child, so been alone a lot in my life. years with my husband were THE BEST. I am sick of living like this. But don't know a way out. My kids seem to have moved on and given up on me and grands too. Lots in the area but I never get visits, always have to go to them. My daughter is moving 2 hours away and I told her I would apply in her area for housing so someone would be near in case of illness, accident, whatever and her reply was.. Don't hitch yourself to me! I want to travel a lot. I took that as in don't want to be tied down by you. I am hurt, sad and lonely.

Comment by Barzan on July 2, 2017 at 6:47am

Athena53, Did you travel alone?  I haven't done that yet.  I don't know if it's fear or not having someone to share the cost with.  Maybe a bit of both.  I need to seriously give it some thought.

Comment by Slick on July 2, 2017 at 6:46am

Good morning all...first I have to stay ...Marilyn ..that was wonderful and Oh so true...I am a multiple loss survivor starting with my daughter and ending with my husband...won't list those all so very close to me in between...only sister to suicide being one......and yes I believe in time our wounds scar over....

WithoutJim....I am at 6 1/2 years and had a terrible time a year , 2 years ago..all different stages.....of grief...the lonliness crippled me and I couldn;t get out the door go anywhere..I was sick of going our alone, coming home alone, never having anyone to share with....I started to see a counselor....and it has really helped me to get things myself and I actually met someone...I'm not looking marriage, to live with anyone...but the company of someone my age who has empathy, kindness, can help me laugh and have intelligent conversations, relax...which I don't know how to do...I am almost afraid to sit still...because I might feel too much.......(:...Peace to all...

Comment by Athena53 on July 2, 2017 at 5:22am

Barzan, I also traveled with DH to many wonderful places.  I made a slideshow with pictures of us in various places and had it running in the church narthex (lobby) after his funeral! 

Yes, you can still share stories even if your "accomplice" isn't here; I try not to go overboard with travel stories (don't want to bore people or look like I'm bragging) but I still find appreciative audiences.  In April I went on a cruise in Central America and later talked to a couple of little kids at church (I was working in the childcare room) and told them about people eating termites and about the highly territorial capuchin monkeys we encountered!   Next month I'm going to Iceland- Ron and I were there in 2015 and had planned to go back in 2016 but he got too sick to travel.  I find that Iceland is a popular destination now and people who haven't been there want to hear about it form someone who's been there!

I also enjoy my own company- right now I'm staying with my son and DIL and their 2 little girls for a few days and while I love them all, I'm looking forward to getting back to my nice, quiet home!



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