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Born in the 50s

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Comment by Barzan on November 7, 2018 at 7:00am

To all of us that find special dates and holidays unbearable, I have found a way to give purpose to my husband's legacy.  The year after he passed, I started up a clothing drive for at risk youth for the youth shelter where he worked until his passing.  I always do it halfway between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  The planning and organizing gets my mind on something that would make him proud and keeps me connected to him.  It also takes the edge off the actual major holidays.  And in the end, people benefit from my efforts.  Because there are people depending on me to follow through every year (6th annual coming up this year) I push forward even though I'd rather just curl up into a ball and hide from the world.  

Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays have sucked since he died and I'm convinced that they will continue to suck until my day arrives.  I've just decided to make them suck less.

One other thing that I should mention.  My MIL had a teddy bear made from my favorite shirt of his and when I really am hitting a wall, I just hug the heck out of the bear.  I find it gives me comfort.  

May all of you find that one thing that will soften the blow during these hard times.  Virtual hug to all.


Comment by LP on November 7, 2018 at 6:40am

Riet, I know that ache - wanting so hard the one thing in the world that we can’t have. It’s really hard. Just try to breathe and think about getting through the next few hours. I try only to live in the ‘now’ because thinking about a future without C is too hard. 

Comment by riet on November 7, 2018 at 6:23am

The holidays, I am panicking for all of them.  The first Christmas Trees appear in the streets here. I hate to see it.

How can they be there when my husband is no longer here? Last days are hell indeed.  Maybe because of the weather. I am still organizing the photos.  All these things were put aside since he was sick.  

The illness started at the 20th of April 2014 and he died on the 20th of April 2018. In the photos I am now approaching this first date.  And I am thinking: only so much days left till the misery will start. I study his face and body on  every photo I see. I don't see anything that could predict , he would wake up half paralyzed on the 20th of April.

And I wished so badly, this had not happened.That he was still with me. 

Comment by LP on November 7, 2018 at 5:29am

You really don't know which holidays will be hardest. I found that C's birthday was hard because it made me think about the whole of his life, and that included the end of it and the fact that he would not live to see the age or ever be older than he was. I don't know how much dreading something makes it worse or better. I dreaded our wedding anniversary, but that was not too bad. But I am already dreading the first anniversary of his death and that is not until February. Until then, I can still think - "a year ago today, I still had C with me". Soon I won't be able to do that. I know that a year is just an arbitrary period, but it seems to be a human trait to think in these pre-determined  chunks of  time.

I've been going through hell the last few days. I don't know what brought it on - the gloomy weather, the closing in of winter. I too am "dragging myself along" behind me, but sometimes I'm not sure to what purpose. 

Comment by Melissa on November 6, 2018 at 10:37am

Hi Tekwriter. In my experience, birthdays are more intimate than the big holidays. They weren't as hard as birthdays. Oddly enough, I think the hardest day for me was the anniversary of our first date. You just never know.

Do know that we are here for you on holidays and every day. We get it.

Love and strength~

Comment by chef (John) on November 6, 2018 at 10:30am


You have a way with words. "Dragging myself behind me" speaks volumes.

Please keep reading and posting. What you're feeling--even at five months--is very normal.

Brohugs from Cleveland.

Comment by Tekwriter on November 6, 2018 at 7:04am

It is not the insurance. I have that even with my Rottweilers. It i the finance company. I felt like I was strung along till the closing date and then it was off. But maybe I should call my congressmans office. They may be able to help.  Other question, I had my birthday yesterday and cried all day because I missed him so much. Can I assume the big holidays are going to be that much worse?

Comment by Barzan on November 3, 2018 at 3:31pm


It's time to contact the insurance oversite commission.  If that doesn't work, your state rep. may be of help.  I've had my state rep help me out on a big issue and he and his staff took care of it for me.  There is always someone bigger than your insurance company who they have to answer to.  Please let us know if this was helpful.  My thoughts are with you.  

Comment by Melissa on November 3, 2018 at 11:33am

I hear you, Tekwriter. After my husband died, I had to put all the insurance in my name. I never used my husband's last name. I kept my maiden name. The mortgage company won't accept my homeowner's insurance because the last name is different than the name on the mortgage, even though I never used that name.

I have been fighting with them for almost a year because they insist on charging me for their homeowner's coverage, which they include in my mortgage payment, even though I am paying for my own homeowner's insurance.

I've done everything they asked for several times over. Death certificates, marriage certificates, birth certificates; it never ends. I'm at the end of my rope. I want to sell this house, but I can't until the mortgage thing is settled.

We're going through so much emotionally, this is the last thing we need. I hope things work out for you soon, Tekwriter. It's exhausting.

Comment by Tekwriter on November 3, 2018 at 10:22am

My mortgage fell through with the mortgage company because they do not have a letter from the military after assuring me from day 1, it would be fine a long as they verbally heard the information. Now the underwriters wouldn't accept and I have to start over. I am frustrated and angry.


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