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Born in the 50s

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in-laws of deceased husband

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Comment by irishlady on July 2, 2017 at 6:56am

withoutjim....OMG I could have written your letter! I ma at the 4 year 3 month mark and I still struggle each day. IF I keep really busy I am OK, but alone..not good. tried counseling AGAIN..they were no help. I moved to a different state to be with one son and help him with my disabled granddaughter, but he brought him bipolar, alcoholic girlfriend in after 1 month and things went south REALLY fast and really bad. I have 4 kids, but I swear since their Dad has been gone I see them less than ever. I had old friends who disappeared after my husband died. I made some new ones through a grief group but then two of them have become real chummy and I always seem to be the odd woman out. I don't have as much money as they do, so can't always join in when they go to places. I am tired of being alone. today I see on facebook that everyone is having BBQ's and going places. I am here all alone. Just sick of it, but I don't make friends easily. I am a very loyal friend when I do and tend to keep friends for life on MY end  .I'm not a volunteer type. I was laways a stay at home Mom and then caretaker for various relatives, and an only child, so been alone a lot in my life. years with my husband were THE BEST. I am sick of living like this. But don't know a way out. My kids seem to have moved on and given up on me and grands too. Lots in the area but I never get visits, always have to go to them. My daughter is moving 2 hours away and I told her I would apply in her area for housing so someone would be near in case of illness, accident, whatever and her reply was.. Don't hitch yourself to me! I want to travel a lot. I took that as in don't want to be tied down by you. I am hurt, sad and lonely.

Comment by Barzan on July 2, 2017 at 6:47am

Athena53, Did you travel alone?  I haven't done that yet.  I don't know if it's fear or not having someone to share the cost with.  Maybe a bit of both.  I need to seriously give it some thought.

Comment by Slick on July 2, 2017 at 6:46am

Good morning all...first I have to stay ...Marilyn ..that was wonderful and Oh so true...I am a multiple loss survivor starting with my daughter and ending with my husband...won't list those all so very close to me in between...only sister to suicide being one......and yes I believe in time our wounds scar over....

WithoutJim....I am at 6 1/2 years and had a terrible time a year , 2 years ago..all different stages.....of grief...the lonliness crippled me and I couldn;t get out the door go anywhere..I was sick of going our alone, coming home alone, never having anyone to share with....I started to see a counselor....and it has really helped me to get things myself and I actually met someone...I'm not looking marriage, to live with anyone...but the company of someone my age who has empathy, kindness, can help me laugh and have intelligent conversations, relax...which I don't know how to do...I am almost afraid to sit still...because I might feel too much.......(:...Peace to all...

Comment by Athena53 on July 2, 2017 at 5:22am

Barzan, I also traveled with DH to many wonderful places.  I made a slideshow with pictures of us in various places and had it running in the church narthex (lobby) after his funeral! 

Yes, you can still share stories even if your "accomplice" isn't here; I try not to go overboard with travel stories (don't want to bore people or look like I'm bragging) but I still find appreciative audiences.  In April I went on a cruise in Central America and later talked to a couple of little kids at church (I was working in the childcare room) and told them about people eating termites and about the highly territorial capuchin monkeys we encountered!   Next month I'm going to Iceland- Ron and I were there in 2015 and had planned to go back in 2016 but he got too sick to travel.  I find that Iceland is a popular destination now and people who haven't been there want to hear about it form someone who's been there!

I also enjoy my own company- right now I'm staying with my son and DIL and their 2 little girls for a few days and while I love them all, I'm looking forward to getting back to my nice, quiet home!


Comment by Strono1 on July 2, 2017 at 5:09am

I agree that at the end of the day we are still alone. It is 5 1/2 years for me and I have not had the courage to put myself out there to meet someone just to hang out with. I do not want to marry again, just have someone to spend a little time with. My friends are amazing (all married ) but gracious enough to still spend time with me.

Being alone is very scary and making so many decisions without that our husbands can be overwhelming. I have already made so many decisions and while they have worked out, it is exhausting. I invite you to visit my "Please Bring Soup" Face Book Page s you may appreciate some of my postings. I wrote a book called "Please Bring Soup to Comfort me While I Grieve for the sole purpose of helping others who are grieving and those supporting them. I am honored to say it has indeed helped many people based on feedback I have received. Peace and strength to you.

Comment by Barzan on July 1, 2017 at 8:19pm

WithoutJim - I could have written what you wrote.  I really don't have any widow friends though.  My friends are either attached, married or busy with their grown kids and grands.  My son is very busy with his family and travels a lot because he is in the entertainment business.  I am alone quite a bit but I enjoy my own company.  My fear is that I will push everyone away unless I agree to socialize more. 

One of my close friends (who lives across the country) was visiting me recently and we were going through old photo albums.  She remarked how fortunate we were to have traveled extensively because now I have all those wonderful memories.  That may be true but in reality, if you have no one to reminisce about those memories, what good are they.  My husband is the only other person who made those memories so I really have no one to enjoy them with.  Does this make sense? 

Me passed 6 years ago in June but feels like yesterday.  I watched "The Notebook" again tonight and a flood of memories about our years together brought me to tears.  Again, no one to share it with. 

Comment by Marilyn on July 1, 2017 at 2:45pm

A cut finger is numb before it bleeds; it bleeds before it hurts, it hurts until it begins to heal; it forms a scab and itches until finally, the scab is gone and a small scar is left where once there was a wound. Grief is the deepest wound you ever had. Like a cut finger, it goes through stages, and leaves a scar. ~Unknown

Comment by Athena53 on June 30, 2017 at 6:05am

I know what you mean, NolongerinBergen.  When my husband and I lived in Bergen County we never went into NYC- too much traffic, too much time, too expensive.  We moved to a KC suburb and did a lot more- we could go to a concert in a world-class music hall and be home 45 minutes later.  I'm in one MeetUp group- a French discussion group- and may look for others.

Comment by DM (Debbie) on June 29, 2017 at 6:18pm

I'm not retired yet, but I belong to a widow/widowers support group that meets weekly.   Many of the members belong to a variety of local senior centers- they like to sign up for the hikes (which you have to sign up for right away as they fill up fast), the trips, & other activities.   Some go just for lunch, as the food is quite good & inexpensive.    I wish I wasn't working so I could go on the hikes.    By husband & I used to go hiking.   The grandkids went with us as well, and they went with me a few times but are now to busy with their friends to go with me.    I don't like going alone.   

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on June 29, 2017 at 6:08pm

I must be phenomenally lucky.  I'm not retired yet, but I moved 500 miles away a year and a half ago and within a year had established a pretty active social life.  Where I live there are two major universities and thriving arts and activist communities, and it's a small city (even though I live in a suburban area 15 minutes outside the center of town).  So that may make a difference.  I joined a LOT of meetups, and I started one for NY  Mets fans with a gal I met down here.  I go out usually 2-3 times a week, which is really enough.  That will change once I'm retired (I telecommute now from home).  

There were meetups where I used to live in NJ, but I felt that NYC sucked up all the cultural life and I would look at my life there and say "Is this what it's going to be?"  Then I moved here and even the meetups here more interesting, and there is always something to go to.  I've found people to be open and friendly and my neighborhood is awesome.  It could be that I'm just lucky. 


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