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Born in the 50s

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Comment by Patricia on October 1, 2011 at 11:35am

Abby, it was Supa and all of her friends that saved me.  I was so lost and I felt everyone had given up on me.  I was so afraid of living and afraid of dying.  Someone mentioned this page to my sister who in turn told me and it was amazing. 

Just to find out I wasn't alone and that my feelings were "normal"  helped me so much.  I thought I was the only person who had ever grieved for so long.  People were saying such cruel things to me that just broke my heart. 

They all thought I should be OVER it and I wasn't even close.  When I think now that it had only been about 2 years then and I had also lost my sister, and my job (which was stolen by my best friend while I was on bereavement leave) I get so angry at them all.  I swear I could have been dead in my bed for a week and noone would have noticed.

If I am helping just one person it means the world to me because I love this page and these people and know how important it is to have people to talk to that understand.

I still have lots of emotion and venting to do as you can see from my previous comments but I know I can come here and just pour my heart out and I always feel better.  The comments from all of you are icing on the cake.

Thanks and hugs to everyone.  You have lots of friends here. xo

Comment by Patricia on October 1, 2011 at 11:20am
Pumpkin, you are right.  Just try not to beat yourself up if you're not ready.  You will get there eventually and only when you are ready.  There is no magic number of days, months or years.  Be really kind to yourself. xo
Comment by pumpkin on September 30, 2011 at 7:22pm
Wow- You guys have clarified a lot for me me by sharing your experiences. It hurts to be alone but I know that I can't give up. I'm just still so tired, worn out with this crappy "journey". If I want to LIVE I know that I have to put effort into it and I guess that I just don't feel physically or emotionally up to it yet. For me, baby steps is the way that I'll have to be satisfied with, until I turn that corner. Thanks for the encouragement
Comment by freddieb on September 29, 2011 at 6:58pm
Mary99 Thank you, thank you for your post!  It was good to hear that someone else is where I am on this journey.  There is a verse in the Bible that talks about being content in whatever state you are in and although, I am not there yet, I am getting there.  It helps me to get involved and do things that help other people rather than sit and feel sorry for myself, like volunteering for the community; and it helps me everytime I look at look at my little granddaughters and think about how I want them to see their grandmother 15 or 20 years from now.  I want them to know that life is worth living no matter what your marital status and that you can make it through anything if you continue to persevere.  Thank you again for your post - yes, it does get better, even though the tears still come sometimes, it still gets better.  
Comment by flamingt on September 29, 2011 at 2:20pm

(((((Mary99)))))  When I grow up, I want to be just like you!  Thank you for the validation...that I'm doing the right things.

 

For those new to your process....time heals all.  You may have been a couple....but in reality, you were two people who co-created together.  Not one, not the other, but both.  You can come away with that strong will to continue creating.  And enjoy your own results.  Find bliss in all of your creation and know that it is unfolding just the way it is supposed to.  There is great love here for you.

Comment by Mary99 on September 29, 2011 at 12:58pm

At first I was SO overwhelmed by the idea that I might spend the next 30 years without a partner and I admit that at times I've felt a desperation to find someone to fill the void.  I'm now about 1 month shy of 3 years, and I think I've come to accept that "what will be, will be".  I've tried dating sites, but just have not had a good experience with them and I think I have abandoned them for good. 

 

For those of you who are newly widowed, my condolences.  You are beginning a terrible journey - but I can honestly say now that I am better, so much better than I was 3 years ago.  I can't think of those days just before his death, and the time just following, without getting all tied up in knots.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  But somehow I feel that I've been through an endurance course and have emerged from the other side a survivor.  I was really looking forward to retirement and travel with Tom - he was the best, the most generous man, good looking and smart, and he loved me as much as I loved him - and I am a better person for having known him.  But I am at a point now that I can look back at our time together as the blessing it was rather than fixate on what I am missing. 

 

I have stopped thinking in terms of "what would Tom do? and concentrate on "what do I want to do?"  Once you embrace it, being in control of doing what you want, when you want it, is very liberating.  I don't have to compromise over decisions on paint color, travel destinations, what's for dinner or even what time to go to bed. 

 

It all takes time, and everyone goes through the journey at a difference pace.  It won't get better all at once.  But someday you'll realize that you just drove to the store without crying, or you went to the reunion/family party and spent your time catching up on what everyone else has been doing and not sitting there thinking how 'he' should have been there.  The more I build up new memories of life after Tom, the better I can function, less apt to be knocked off my feet by a stray memory. 

 

Do I still cry?  Are there still bad days?  Yes on both counts.  Do the bad days outnumber the good ones?  Not any more.  I quit the anti-depressants ages ago(although with this economy I could rethink that); I adopted a new cat and a new dog; I exercise on a regular basis; I go to work;  I've built up a circle of friends who I see for dinner, for a beading club, to go walking, and even to travel with; I work on my house and cottage, and right now I have my daughter's upcoming wedding.  Since I can't go back to what I once had, I have decided to enjoy the life I have now.  And for the most part, I do enjoy it.  Miss him?  Sure.  Love him?  Always!  Sit around and pine away?  Not my style.  And, who knows, maybe someday I'll look around and find that there's a new someone in my life to love and who loves me.  And that'll be all right too.

Comment by Marsha on September 28, 2011 at 12:47pm

((((DORAN)))) This is all too new for you. You are still very raw. It does get easier and better. The ups and downs are still there just not as violent. This is a process and a journey towards healing. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Take it a minute at a time. Baby steps. Thinking of you today and pray you find peace.

Comment by flamingt on September 27, 2011 at 8:06pm
All I can say...it "peace and clarity".....I got immersed in my writing!!!
Comment by flamingt on September 27, 2011 at 8:02pm

Hello all...it's been awhile since I have posted here....but I just wanted to let you all know that I look in, check out everyone's posts, and if I can ad any positive thoughts, I'll always try.

 

The Ups and the Downs....yes, we have them.  But think about this...if we didn't have the downs we wouldn't enjoy the ups?  Right?  The illnesses that some of us can manifest from loneliness is scary.  When we write things that take us down...we kind of sit there for several days wondering "what brought that on???"  Well...we all need to set our vibration in an upward movement.

 

If you're religious...then you know you're going to heaven, right?  Everything goes UP!  If you're spiritual, you might know that "just being here" will get you over the bumps in the road.  A little practice with that, and you can achieve "hailstorms!".  Praying, meditation, "just being"....brings you peach and clarity.  Breath in a long breath, and SLOWLY let it out.  Think of unicorns, rainbows (suggested by my sweet granddaughter a couple years ago)...anything that gets you "there".

 

My vision is a nice white sand beach with turquoise waters, the sand just kissing my toes!  Breath in, breath out....you got it???

 

Finding love in yourself....will bring love to you.  When you radiate happiness, smile a lot (just practice in the mirror here), don't share your grim story (when you do that...you're just telling another story to remind you are a widow)...seek happiness in everything.  Hate to sound a bit Zen here....but MAN...does it work!!!

 

I went off my anti-depressants (on them for 15 years)....started dancing (didn't care what I look liked...just did it!)....and enjoyed life!

 

For years...some of us at least....knew the inevitable was going to happen.  We paced ourselves in the "doing"...making sure everyone was taken care of...and we didn't take care of ourselves.

 

It doesn't cost a thing......JUST BE!  Enjoy your morning routine....watched the hummingbirds, the dragonflys, pet your animals...watch them!  Every notice how THEY smile when we just pet them softly and peacefully.

 

Everything unfolds for a reason...including the fact that you just might meet another person who will be a companion, lover, or great friend.  Who will hold you, tease you, and support you.  You are not made to be here alone....ever.

 

Yes, the loves of our lives have left us.  But now it's up to us to make sure we enjoy the lives we have to it's fullest and don't look back.  Love you all......

Comment by Paula on September 27, 2011 at 5:57pm
Boburly , it is so true. I have really been trying to accept the fact that I really may be alone for the rest of my life. I hate it. I have tried the online thing and speed dating and the rejection has been horrible. I hate hate hate it.
 

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