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Born in the 50s

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Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Alysoun Nov 30, 2018. 24 Replies

Buying A House

Started by Tekwriter. Last reply by Tekwriter Oct 6, 2018. 13 Replies

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Comment by flamingt on August 10, 2011 at 1:16pm

You know....it seems almost like a "re-nesting" of ourselves.  When my son (the last kid out) left, I changed his whole bedroom...made is a guest room and moved him (for weekends home) into the room that was his eldest sisters.

After Larry's death, not only did I buy new bedroom furniture and a new bed, then I redid the other bedrooms so when the kids came to visit it was "better".

I can reflect now....almost 4 years later...I am managed to change EVERYTHING!  I rented that house out to good renters, bought another house 250 miles away in the Bay Area.  Painted and cleaned and gardened and rented a room out in the house to my current "room mate".  I met him on the internet and the change in me has been significant!!!!  No wonder my kids aren't talking to me anymore! 

 

They have told me "you have changed so much, you aren't the same mother we used to know".  My room mate "friend" tells me "of course you've changed!  You lost weight, you are healthier than you have been in years.  You go and dance and enjoy yourself, AND you have traveled to places that you couldn't go to because your husband was ill.  You deserve this time, you should enjoy these changes, and not feel guilty about it at all."  

I have found new friends who didn't know Larry.  I get a pang when I visit our friends that were mutually ours together....still!  They love the new me.  They have told me that they still love me and support me 100%.  

So my dilemma is, when my daughter comes around and starts dialogue...to remind myself that I don't want drama of "history" because I rented the house out that he and I built together.

So......go out, dance!  Sign on to eHarmony and don't be afraid.  You aren't replacing your spouse...you are creating a new friend for life that can only uplift you and give you joy!!!!

Take baby steps.  Your mind will play games with you.  You will feel "guilty" if you are having too much fun.  But utmost remember...you came into this life to have joy....not depression.

Comment by shirley on August 10, 2011 at 12:47pm
Mary99,freddieb- When they list the stages of grief they should add fixing things up a bit. It seems perfectly natural from a woman's perspective. My husband was sick for a few years and nothing got done and years before that, too. I had to make it me - especially the bedroom which got paint, new sheets & bedcover. It was just too painful to keep it as it was.
Comment by freddieb on August 10, 2011 at 11:53am
Hi Mary99, I've also done a little "fixing up" my home over the past 2 1/2 years.  I bought new living room furniture and got a new kitchen.  I changed my daughter's old room into a room for my grand-daughters when they visit and even though I couldn't get new bedroom furniture, I got a new comforter and linens. I HAD to make the house into my own so that I could bare to live there. It really did help. 
Comment by Mary99 on August 10, 2011 at 11:42am

Is "fixing things up" one of the stages of grief?  I don't know whether it was because we had let the house go a bit when Tom was sick, or because I was trying to fill the hole left behind by his absence, but I have only just now slowed down the "fixing up" that has been my life for 2 years.

 

Part of it was just that there was a real need for a new roof, new water heater, new car...but a LOT of it was because I just HAD to change my surroundings.  There are two bedrooms and a bathroom left to paint but other than that, every room had been changed.  All wallpaper has been stripped, all rooms have new color schemes.  It's very much MY house now.  (I've said it before - If he didn't want me to change anything, he should have stuck around.)

 

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there were legitimate companies out there marketing remodeling projects to widows.  It seems that a lot of us are doing it.  Come to think of it, my mother bought new furniture when Dad died years ago. Hmm. 

Comment by mahagen on August 10, 2011 at 5:40am

Like you, lanzini, I seem to be in the time to fix up things.  I had both bathrooms remodeled in April (right at the 1 year mark). 

Now I am getting bids for:

    1. a new concrete driveway

    2. trees to be trimmed

    3. landscaping

Things that should have been done over the last three years, but Mike was too sick and I was too busy. 

 

But, I can't imagine going to a dance club.  You are a brave, self confident woman.  I can go out to breakfast alone, once in a while, but not dinner!  I do go to movies alone, but would sure rather have someone with me to put his arm around me.  Maybe someday, I'll be as brave as you are, lanzini

Comment by Elle on August 9, 2011 at 7:44pm
You are one wise woman, lanzini. Love your advice and your approach! (The things we do when we are widows!!) I wish I had your openness and zeal, so wonderful. You make it sound so easy, and I think you are very unique. It sounds like you really pushed yourself to move forward in any and every way that made you feel comfortable, and you followed your heart as you cruised along in unchartered waters. Unlike you, there are those of us who get "stuck" in the sadness, aloneness, and even anger at having been left alone, finding it difficult to move forward. We need to take "lessons" from the likes of you! Thanks so much for sharing.
Comment by flamingt on August 9, 2011 at 7:07pm

At the 3-4 month period I was angry....yelling...steamed that he left me.  I would down a bottle of wine...feel better..then put on the music on loud and just dance around the house letting it all go.  Other times when with my kids and grandchildren, I would get so melancholy...being quiet and sad.  But somewhere between 5-6 months I started investing in myself.  I realized I was still young.  I realized that I was not going to be one of those "drone" widows feeling sorry for myself.  I started writing.  Then I started reading self-help books about Laws of Attraction and practicing the method of meditating - just 30 minutes a day made a big difference.

 

One time at our house, I must have thrown myself into a sweating frenzy "doing things" that we never got done.  I had professional tree surgeons come in and take down those old trees that were "blocking" our view.  Our view...can you imagine!  Then I decided to get rid of our old bedroom furniture and just bought new stuff.  The days I spent putting all of it together _ I lived so far out in the country JC Penney only delivered the boxes!  And....there was a hex driver with each part!  Imagine....he did all that stuff before..I just channeled him.  When I was through with that frenzy, I realized...Why?  It's just part of the process.  It was about a year out, I decided to just go out and buy myself dinner.  Then I thought, "well now....is this what I want?"  No.  I went to a dance club and threw myself into the middle and would dance, dance, dance.  You know what?  I still do that, and now I'm 60 lbs lighter, have new friends, enjoy music, and really feel healthy.

 

Mary....it's so much of the process.  Scream, yell, laugh (find places to laugh(, go to comedy clubs, take up laughing yoga, only watch the comedy club.....I found that the laughter was the best movement for me.  Don't feel guilty for anything what-so-ever.....there is a plan and it's all unfolding just the way it's supposed to.  Remember, when you feel sad..that's healthy...but you need to bounce yourself out of it by doing things that you feel joy about...it really is that simple.  Take care of YOURSELF.....you gave everything you got to others, now is the time for you.

Comment by puddy on August 9, 2011 at 6:33pm

@Mary99 --you continue to amaze me..you have great strength and are a mentor for all of us following in your footsteps on this journey.  I am afraid to have a "drink" at this point....Movies alone...how do you manage?  I can eat alone with no problem...the rest is making me nuts.  I need to go see my brother .. and scared to do it.  I think I need to just get the "tude" that I don't care how I feel anymore and whatever is there at the time is there.  Is the 3-4 month period the worst of this?  I know everyone is different but I read about people that are yrs out and still feeling like crap...that really worries me.  Anyone dealing with anger...I was soooo po'd yesterday... screaming, crying, swearing, hating....YIKES  too many emotions....driving..people probably thought I was nutz!     Keep doing what you are doing....((HUGS)) and take care! 

Comment by flamingt on August 9, 2011 at 5:46pm
Mary....it's amazing how resilient we can become by ourselves.  We are strong enough to remember the good events.  Little celebrations like this make us stronger and stronger.  The Big margarita and the enchiladas, AND the new dog toy exemplify our tenacious identities as "the wife".  Jealousy still continues with me when I see "our" old friends still together celebrating those milestones that I won't be able to do.  Seek it out and love it.  After all, you have so much to congratulate yourself for.  You are worth every moment that you step towards the direction of joy.  There is much more joy in your future, I'm sure of it.
Comment by Mary99 on August 9, 2011 at 5:31pm

Today would have been our 36th wedding anniversary - it's the third one I've "celebrated" without him.  I went into work for half a day and then just said - "I'm outta here", no reasons, no excuses.  I went out to a movie - "Cowboys and Aliens" so nothing romantic.  Then I went shopping for a new cart to pull behind my soon-to-be-son-in-law's 4 wheeler.  No romance there either.

 

Afterwards I went to Barnes and Noble and then out to eat at a nice Mexican restaurant by myself.  I had a big margarita with my enchiladas and went home to give the dog her new dog toy. 

 

My son remembered and called, although we never mentioned the 'A' word.  It's rather a cosmic joke on me that his in-laws happened to have gotten married on the same day, only 5 years later.  I look at them and envy them the anniversaries they still have together.  

 

I'm glad the day is almost over.

 

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