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Born in the 50s

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Discussion Forum

Camp Widow San Diego

Started by Kathy. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada Jul 9. 8 Replies

social security widow/widower benefits

Started by Lissa. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Jun 27. 16 Replies

Crazy - taxes

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Comment by Paula on March 4, 2012 at 6:47pm

Hello Junie

Comment by JunieG on March 4, 2012 at 6:43pm

I did see that site and will join.  Thanks for the support.

Comment by Joyce on March 4, 2012 at 6:30pm

Hi Junie, my husband died in October of 2011 after a 2.5 yr battle with cancer.  You will find lots of support from everyone here.  Come here for support, to vent cry or whatever you need.  Just so you know, there is also a suddenly widowed site.

Comment by JunieG on March 4, 2012 at 6:16pm

Just wanted to introduce myself.  I am widowed rather suddenly since Aug 28th 2011 and still have good days and bad.  Thankfully I have gotten through the major depression part and the guilt. That was the worst.  Hope to connect with some people who can relate.

Comment by freddieb on February 29, 2012 at 8:13pm

The Bible says you can't serve two masters so if anyone is cussing at you and quoting scriptures at the same time........well, that person has no credibility.  Take care of yourselves.  My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

Comment by MissingCB on February 25, 2012 at 3:07pm

Bogie 77, you do need to work on YOU first or there will be nothing left for your mother or anyone else.  Your mother is manipulating you.  That's why she calls your daughter so that she "acts" like she is concerned about you.  She is just trying to line up people to think she cares.

My mother does the same thing.  She calls my daughter, too.  My mother is capable of taking care of herself and could be helping me as well as her younger sister, who is undergoing her second round of surgery for lung cancer.  My cousin is exhausted from helping her mom out.  I made my mother go sit w/her sister (my aunt) while she was having one of her chemo treatments so my cousin could have a break.  I forced her to go and then she gets there and acts like it was all her idea.   

I told you what my therapist told me to do but I am not saying I have completely done it or that it is easy.  In fact, Friday, I went to yet another retirement community (actually two) when I didn't have the time because I thought they were better than where she is now.  Going against my counselor's advice.  And, guess who toured one of them with me?  My aunt w/the cancer.  She is as bad as I am on letting my mother manipulate us into doing for her when the two of us are about as decripid (sp) as it comes.  My aunt lost her husband last February.  And, my mother's other sister lost her husband, her son three years ago and her daughter has breast cancer.  My mother has not been supportive of any of us but demands we cater to her fake illnesses.

Since my mother is such a scripture quoter, I gave her 1 Timothy 5:8 and said not taking care of her family when they needed her was just like being an unbeliever.  Kinda freaked her out for about a week.  Then she went right back to her old ways.  And, then she calls my "bitch" sister who has not been in a church (except my son's wedding) in over 13 years (for a funeral) and probably 10 before that and claims I won't help her.  Then my sister calls cussing & quoting Bible scriptures (because I've always been active in the church) to intimidate me into continuing to take care of my mother so she doesn't have to.  She is my mother to the core, an intimidating, manipulative bully.  However, everyone who meets my mother says she reminds them of "Tweety Bird's Granny." 

It is going to be hard, believe me but it is what you have to do. 

Comment by bogie77 (Donna) on February 25, 2012 at 12:16pm

All, thanks for the advice!  It's tough to turn my back on my mother, but I guess she did it first.  (Sounds childish, but true.)  I will be there for her as much as I am capable, but that's all I can do.  Right now, I just don't have much left to give to others.  Gotta work on me first!

Comment by MissingCB on February 25, 2012 at 11:19am

Thanks Lori.  I will add my non-church going "bitch" sister also quoted the Bible, "Honor your father & mother" when she was cussing me out and telling me that I had to continue to take care of "our" mother b/c she doesn't have time right now.  She has a job unlike me who is on disability (and sometimes only have a few hours out of each day that I can even attempt to get caught up on my ever mounting piles of work in my office).  This was also her excuse when my husband died although she has never had children and I had two, my career & his business but she left it up to me to take care of "our" mother.  I allowed it & I allowed the guilt of "she is my mother" to continue to allow her to take advantage of me.

Comment by flamingt on February 25, 2012 at 11:02am

Whoa, Paula Rene!  All and in all, cliff notes demand a reply.  You are right, walk away Bogie77!  When we get caught up in our mind and our pity party of losing someone so dear to us, it's easy to get drawn into drama that just isn't yours.  Whoever, and I want to emphasize, WHOEVER (this means a mom, a daughter, a sister, and anyone else immediately related to you in your transitional experience of now), is going to try to change up YOUR process of healing.  You must take care of yourself.  Yes...this is your mother.  Yes...she (as she was raised also) raised you to respect her, do the things that SHE thought was right, and ignored the things that you were uncomfortable with that she didn't want to accept responsibility for when you were a kid (aka the abusive men in your life - who were also in her life).  So...where does that take you now?  Here, today, not yesterday, but here and today ready for something that is so much more healing.  When you go backwards in history with your emotions, it doesn't NOTHING but take you down.  

My sage advice??? Forget about your "loved ones" for now.  They will reject the new you who is seeking peace, harmony, and love in yourself.  You own that and no one else does.  Remember, you have spent all your emotional energies on the caring of a loved one who isn't there.  So now it's YOUR time to recharge your batteries.  I hope you can understand what I'm trying to tell you.    I believe all of us have gone through similar dramas of the "survivors" of our experience.  There is no going back, unless you want to dwell in the unthinkable, unstoppable, and unavoidable position of depression.  It is not good for you or the ones you love and who love you best.

Many many many hugs to you both......Lori

Comment by MissingCB on February 25, 2012 at 10:38am

Dear Bogie 77 -  I have been in therapy for years so you will get my shrink's advice for free (it is worth thousands of dollars).  Three months after my husband died, leaving me with a 9 & 13 year old and his failing business and his prodigal adult drug addicted son (I refer to him as the D-ASS), my mother got herself diagnosed w/dementia.  It turned out to be a bladder infection.  I have two sisters (I call the "Hoarder" and the "Bitch") who refused to help.  The hospital refused to release her b/c of her "dementia" and the Bitch said, Just put her somewhere.  I found a very nice facility that kicked her out after a year saying she didn't need to be there.  I also made her undergo a NeuroPsyche evaluation and she did not have dementia.

My mother was sexually abused as a child, her mother didn't protect her and she in turn, did not protect her three daughters from abuse from one of her boyfriends even though we told her.  I have been in therapy for years, the Hoarder just started after I turned her into A&E and she appeared on the show and they paid for therapy and the Bitch says we are lying and nothing ever happened to her.

I finally got my mom situated in a fabulous retirement community which is paid for (because of me) for the rest of her life.  Now, I am having health issues and she fakes dementia again.  I go through the whole thing all over, had to move her, got the Neuro Psyche evaluation, etc.  She doesn't have dementia, refuses to admit she is depressed & refuses treatment.  The Hoarder is improving but still no help.  The Bitch is threatening to sue me if I make her go to counseling for "elder abuse."  Doesn't have a leg to stand on but I don't need the stress.  And, my mom keeps getting herself admitted to the hospital for dehydration.  Last July (when I was in the hospital), December (in the middle of my son's wedding festivities) and in January (when I was in the hospital and had three funerals to deal with).

Now for my shrink's advice.  Walk away.  Take care of yourself.  My counselor said my mom is still that "little girl" who was abused and is looking for someone to take care of her.  She doesn't see anyone else's pain, only her own.  She doesn't have the capacity.  She never did and never will.  And, the sicker I get, the more she is going to lash out b/c she has selected me to be her "everything" most likely b/c the Hoarder and Bitch never did and never will.  She asks how I am doing b/c she says she wants to pray for me.  My counselor said never tell her because she'll end up sicker than me or back in the hospital.  I tell her God knows what I need so you just tell him to answer my prayers.  It is hard especially b/c she calls the "bitch" and makes up lies about me and says I won't return her phone calls or come see her, etc.  Then the bitch sends emails & leaves messages about suing me.  It's no wonder I am sick.

It is hard to accept that my mom, who I gave up my life for all these years is not there for me and never will be.  And, I am a rescuer so I have to stop myself from falling for her games.  Maybe b/c your mom went through what she did, she is thinks people owe her and she, like my mom, does not have the capacity to think maybe she owes others.  I believe that God gives us second chances to help others so it is hard when I see someone who has been given a second chance at life who is not beating down a path to help someone walking in their shoes.  Boy, did this turn into a long sermon.  Sorry about that!  Cliff Notes - Walk away!

 

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