Born in the 50s

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Comment by Su on April 18, 2013 at 12:36pm

Joellen,  I'm so glad someone brought up this up. It really not as fun doing things. I'm also into my second year. I'm in Bandon, Oregon in my RV at the moment. We use to love going to the coast. Ted couldn't get to the sand but would sit on top while I walked the beach. I came because of a women's rving group get together. But came early to see my granddaughter in a track meet. Ted ran track in high school, so knew what was going on. I think it's boring. I was hoping my daughter would invite me to dinner, since I'm only 1/2 hour away (I live 2 hours away). But she had to work and wasn't at the track meet and I haven't heard from her. There is another track meet on Saturday, I'm trying to decided whether to go. The rvin  group has activities listed, nothing firm, but sort of feel I should show up for the Prefontaine meet and support my granddaughter. I know that's what Ted would do. 

Comment by LCSboomer on April 18, 2013 at 11:34am

Joellen, Chris, Sue -- I, too, am someone who hardly ever posts but I am following the conversations. I'm close to 2 1/2 years in and there's so much I can relate to! I don't have a lot of joy in my life right now -- no grandchildren yet and both my kids will be moving out of the house in a few months. I was diagnosed with breast cancer right after losing Geoff, and have just found out that I need major reconstructive surgery this summer or fall. So I'm still dealing with anger that Geoff's not here to help me deal with MY illness!! But anyway, once when walking a labyrinth at a retreat, I had this inner dialogue about joy -- Will I ever be happy and find joy again? Will I learn to be content with my life? and finally, will I learn to accept my life? I'm working on branching out to new groups, women's groups, retreats, yoga, etc. as I find that so many old friends have dropped me or aren't/ can't be there the way I need sometimes, and am trying to find small amounts of joy in that as i work on accepting where my life is now. Not where I wANted it to be, that's for sure! And I have learned to appreciate the few friends, and often unexpected new ones, who really ARE there for me, too!

Well, I am going on & on here and must get back to work. Hope this helps a bit. This sure is a leaky boat we're all on!

Linda

Comment by Suz on April 18, 2013 at 11:21am

I need to do better about checking into this site. I have not been doing chat as much and I feel like I am losing touch and forgetting who said what. This is one place I want to feel at home on the board. I am a little over a year now and it is harder. I agree with Chris and Joellen. I got a lot of TLC the first year. I really did. Lots of visits. Amazing. Then it abruptly ended and people are thinking I should be not needing that. Because of a disability, I am having such a hard time coping. I am going to have to find new ways or have someone live in, I think. Chris, I felt like I lost a part of myself, too. In fact, I still feel like that part is gone and wonder if it will ever come back. Some days, I feel like I am finding out who this "new Suz" is and others, not so much. Chris and Joellen. I really can relate to all you say. I do feel like some of my good friends think I am nuts. I have found my friends changing...some of the ones who were "good friends" just don't have the depth or experience to get this. My two closest friends right now both lost a family member to suicide. Would not wish this on anyone but they are sure empathetic!

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on April 18, 2013 at 10:50am

My dear Jo - I remember when you first came to this group and my heart just went out to you as you embarked on this dreadful journey.  Let me give you a huge hug for making it this far and for finding some joy when you can.  It is an ongoing process - and there will be 3 steps forward and 2 steps back.  I still have days, particularly on the weekend when I don't have to go to work, where I do nothing but hibernate because I'm not fit to be around anyone.  But I embrace those days........knowing that I will once again come to the other side of those feelings......and knowing that they probably will always be a part of my life. 

Losing Mark was like losing a part of myself - like a huge wound that may heal, but there will always be a scar......people who have not experienced this will NEVER understand that we are not going to 'be better'.  It's not a flu that we'll 'get over'........it's a constant work in progress; some days will be better than others, somedays will be joyful and somedays we will smile through tears, but the joy that we have will never be the same.

I am content with my life now - would I be happier if Mark were physically here to share it with me - HELL YEAH !  But that can not happen, so I try to find something everyday to make me happy - and I can share that with him, I can be happy for both of us.  I still cry - I still have meltdowns and I still miss him and love him more everyday.

You are in my thoughts, my friend !

Comment by Joellen on April 18, 2013 at 10:39am

Drummer Groupie (Chris) THANK YOU.. many people think I am nuts I should be better by now . In fact it has been said that Hell you were better 2 months ago then you are now... so I thought perhaps I was regressing.. but embarking on year 2 is harder... I guess reality has really set in and it is hard.. like our wedding anniversary is May 1st. ok it will be the second one without Phil but the first one was just a few weeks after he just died so of course it was hard but this one coming up is harder.... things just seem more atuned...  I did find some joy with my little grandson the other day and we did laugh together but it sure was not like it would have been had Phil been here with us... but I keep trying.. but lately it seems like if I take one step forward in healing the next day I feel like something snaps and I take 5 back...  but I keep trudging forward. hoping that the pain will decrease... I know life will NEVER EVER be the same... I will NEVER EVER enjoy things like I did before but  I keep trying. thank you again for your lovely post.

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on April 18, 2013 at 10:06am

Joellen - I am 2 weeks away from it being 3 years since I lost Mark and I have to say that you are so right, the joy is NOT the same as it was when Mark was here to share it with me, but I am able to find joy in life once again.  I know that Mark is with me and that the joy that I have, I am able to have for both of us.  I've found that looking at it this way, really helps me. 

The 2nd year was more difficult for me also - I don't know if the fog has finally lifted by then and the true reality of the situation, of our new 'normal' has hit or what - but year 2 was tough.  But again, all we can do is trudge through it, one day at a time, one baby step at a time. 

Big hugs to you and to you, Poppy's Girl. 

Comment by Joellen on April 17, 2013 at 10:04pm

poppy's girl I wish I add some insite for you but I am just 1 week into my 2nd year on this horrid journey and so far  as I embark on the beginning of year 2 for me it is harder than the first year... like you I totally love our children and our grandchildren but the joy just is not the same as it was when shared with Phil

Comment by Poppys Girl on April 17, 2013 at 9:58pm

Just wondering.....how do you stop the pain, when does it stop? I am at 2 1/2 years in the journey and so very tired. Tired of the sorrow I carry around everyday, it seems to get heavier as time goes on. 

I don't share this with anyone except this group...just wondering what your thoughts are. I have a good relationship with my kids and love my grandchildren...have a few close friends, yet I carry the sorrow inside always. Will I ever feel joy again? I wonder. 

Comment by Nancy828 on April 16, 2013 at 10:44pm

Thank you Wannabmartha for welcoming me into this group

Comment by Joellen on April 16, 2013 at 12:22pm

another good book is THE SHACK......

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