Born in the 50s

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Comment by mahagen on March 28, 2013 at 12:16pm

Boie77,

"but who do you tell"  Yes, who indeed? Like you I don't want my boys to know about the bad days, my sisters don't get it...other widows are who you tell. We get it. There are now 6 widows in my company...oh, there are probably more, but 6 that I know of, two became widows in the last month, both sudden, two in the last year and we other two have a few years under our belts. This morning, one of them email me and the other two who have a little more time under our belts, and I did a reply to all. Maybe this will be a new outlet for feelings and a chance for giving support. It seems I feel best when I can support others.... Not sure why I'm writing all this, just something I felt like I should do.....  Peace and blessings to us all......

Comment by bogie77 (Donna) on March 28, 2013 at 12:04pm

We've talked about this in a local group that I belong to.  Some widowed folks that I know get offended when someone tells them that they look good . . . like, "what is a widow supposed to look like?"  I just take it with a grain of salt.  They don't see me on my bad days, curled up in bed crying because I haven't gotten the life I had planned.  They don't see me crying in the car when a song comes on that reminds me of him.  I think we just put on what I call my happy face and we go through the day as best we can.  Sometimes, we just want to break down and tell SOMEONE how BAD the bad days really are.  But who do you tell?  I can't burden my kids with that (even though they are adults).  My friends have been absolutely amazing, but I don't want to burden them with it either.  They worry about me enough, without knowing that I have more breakdowns than they realize.  So, yes, we appease them and let them think we're doing okay. 

Have you tried journaling?  It's not quite the same as talking with someone special, but it really does help.  And you can say absolutely anything there . . . even things you wouldn't say to your closest friends.  It just helps to get the thoughts and feelings out, even if it's in writing and not to someone. 

And just because you don't want to disappoint your friends doesn't mean that you're co-dependent.  I think you're being very kind and thoughtful by not wanting to burden them with your grief.  But if they truly are your friends, they need to understand what you're dealing with.  I don't tell my friends everything, but I tell them enough to help them understand what this journey is like.  (I also want them to appreciate their husbands!)

Comment by Juls on March 26, 2013 at 10:39pm

I'm visiting some good friends (older couple) who have been very dear to me. He was a long time 35 year friend of my Frank...and we all became close over the past decade. My first night here and they make the comment that I "seem better...stronger....that things must be going well". They haven't seen me in almost a year. I had planned to be really honest when I got here, but I couldnt do it. I couldn't DISAPPOINT them or scare them off, by telling them that I've actually had a worse three months than before. I have so few close friends. I guess I truly am co-dependent. I'm putting their feelings ahead of my own. The man said that I'm young and attractive and I need to move somewhere and make a "fresh start". He even said "there may be another Frank out there". I had to interupt him then "there will never be another Frank". Never. But I know that he wants me to be happy....it's just I feel trapped. Trapped into pretending again.

Comment by GG Rose on March 26, 2013 at 8:59pm

Way to go, Pat!  You are so right.  Tough to do but so right.

Comment by GG Rose on March 26, 2013 at 8:57pm

Texas Sue, The time is now to take care of you and take your life back!  Help your daugher and your son, not because you have to, but because you want to. And if you dont' want to or not up to it - you need to say so.  As widows, we too often want to keep doing and we simply can't.  Seek out local hlep for your parents but find help.  You don't have to be Super Woman anymore. Life is too short.  Good luck and put you first for this week and see how it fits.  :)

Comment by GG Rose on March 26, 2013 at 8:50pm

Welcome, Pat. 

Comment by Lori on March 26, 2013 at 7:03pm

Texas Sue, i'm going to tell you to follow your heart, i spent a lot of time thinking things through with my late husband in the end, we should have let go and let God, quit our jobs taken the ssi. and traveled when we could.  A missed oppertunity!  Ron and I prayed together and found love with each other, we are now leaning on God not our own understanding.  He will make our pathes straight!  blessings from Lori

Comment by bogie77 (Donna) on March 26, 2013 at 7:02pm

I've been noticing a pattern here with those of us who have taken on new relationships since losing our beloved.  It seems that we pick men who are "projects" or who are emotionally unavailable.  Just wondering why we do that.  Fear maybe of actually finding something good and committing to a new relationship.  Hmmm.   And I'm including myself here . . . I've had one 6-month relationship.  It was with a guy who had a really bad 30-year marriage.  He kept telling me that he wasn't sure he even wanted to be in a relationship.  Well, I guess he does but not with me.  We ended it about a month ago and within a week, he started seeing someone new.  Ours ended amicably.  No hard feelings.  We can still talk and we're still friends.  I'm just wondering why we pick men who aren't really available to us. 

Comment by Texas Sue on March 26, 2013 at 1:32pm

Thank you, Robert's baby. You are essentially correct. Actually, I have known him about 10 years. We attend church together and sing together on praise team. But we just began working on a special friendship a few weeks ago. So it is still infatuation even though I know his character pretty well. I do i know what he has been through. Knew his wife and he knew my late husband. Have many mutual friends.

Comment by Robert's Baby on March 26, 2013 at 1:10pm

Sue - the key component of your comments is that you 'met this man a few weeks ago.....a few weeks is enough time for infatuation not real love. It's going on 27 months since I lost my honey whom I still miss every moment of every day. When I was 8 months out I met a widower and we hit it off instantly. Initially I think we both thought we'd eventually marry (and we still might) but I'm not sure that is the path for us. Everybody comes with baggage and you won't really know what that baggage is until you've spent some time getting to know the person. Getting beyond the feelings of infatuation and elation and moving into the mundane. If once you get to the mundane of everyday life and everyday problems and you still want to move four states away then go for it.

You've expressed wanting to be there for your family which is what I think most of us want. When I think of some of the things I want to do for and with my family now I can just do them....no discussion - bottom line is that it's my decison. Just the other day his son came home because of a situation with his wife and asked to stay for a while. (ended up being only a night) Had we been married then a discussion would have had to take place about his coming and for how long. Complicated!!!!

 

Not trying to discourage you but want to encourage you to take your time and enjoy getting to know him. Just as we've had to manage through this grief one day at a time try managing through this possible relationship one day at a time. You don't have to decide today if you'll move to another state at the end of the year.  

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