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Comment by Texas Sue on March 26, 2013 at 12:31pm

Thanks for your advice and understanding. About my new guy: the main problem is his plan to move 4 states away by then end of the year to do full time mission work! He needs to leave here because of hurtful memories. If things continue to develop, I would go with him in a heartbeat, but am really stuck here right now. And my daughter's business is an extension of the one my husband founded here in my town-both violin rental shops. Hers is a 1 person shop and mine is a 2 person shop with a little part time help. We can work it out. I think both kids have developed the
Baby urge due to their father's illness and death. And it is about time. They are both in their mid 30's. so it just gets more and more complicated,

My struggle is between my own needs/wants and my duties to my family.

Comment by Maria Louisa on March 26, 2013 at 12:10pm

Hi all -

Thinking of Texas Sue...

I agree with Pat KD that I would not take on a man with "emotional baggage." I'd rather be alone...even though I feel lonely. I want to find other ways to counter the loneliness (which was pretty strong yesterday).

My husband died almost 8 months ago after some very rough months with cancer... So I am still navigating these new waters. Some days are really rough... So I understand the need for a companion, I really do. But I was "spoiled" - I had a very good man in my husband...

Anyway- I am saying all this in love, in case it can spare Texas Sue any more troubles... You've been though a lot...  The grandbabies will be a blessing in your life (mine arrived 7 weeks after my husband's death).

But you really don't have to rescue your daughter's business, unless you really want to do so - She can also try to hire some help. If it feels fun for you to be busy and needed, then go for it. But please don't feel burdened by it.

Life goes on... and Life is very short - as we know...

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on March 26, 2013 at 10:07am

Sue - P.s. I'm so glad you and your husband got to enjoy yourselves a little bit when he was diagnosed. My husband went back to work while enduring surgery, 6 weeks of chemo and radiation, weekly blood work, monthly MRIs, monthly chemo, then stereotactic radiation, twice a month IV Avastin, shingles, lost use of his right side, etc. I BEGGED him to take time off so we could enjoy the life we had left, but he was in denial. The only solace I have is that he lived the rest of his life as HE wanted to. Not me...

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on March 26, 2013 at 10:04am

Dear TexasSue. Not trying to be selfish but I'm not sure when our time will be. I took care of my husband also who fought brain cancer for 21 months. He wasn't even gone before my elderly mother, God bless her, started having significant issues with her diabetes. She is now on insulin, needs another cataract surgery, has ulcers on both of her legs, etc. and now needs vascular surgery. She was widowed 11 years ago. My father died from a two year battle with ALS. My grief counselor warned me that I can help, but I cannot let her issues take over my life. We are the sandwich generation - wedged between children and againg parents. I'm sorry we live so far away from each other, you in TX and me in PA. I know how hard it is, but I have been told to just take one day at a time. We have no control over this life. Wishing you a few moments of peace here and there. Jocelyn~

Comment by PatKD on March 26, 2013 at 12:52am

Texas Sue, man you have more than your hands full!  I am sorry for your loss, but if it were me walking in your shoes... I would take the time to find "me" before taking on a difficult man with too much baggage.  I am 3-1/2 years out of this journey, I  have given myself all the time I need.  I say NO to my kids (ages 30-41) and don't feel guilty about it.  I wish I had a good man to share some of my life with at this point, but for me, I wont take on a project man.

I took care of my husband during his cancer death, and did the same for both of my parents... I get to be selfish now.  And ya know what?  I have learned I am pretty darned happy. 

Comment by Texas Sue on March 26, 2013 at 12:29am

I am about 22 months out. Nursed my husband 24/7 for 10 months while he slowly died of a brain tumor. Fortunately, I had just retired at his request so we could travel and enjoy ourselves, so I was able to easily drop everything and devote every moment to his needs, day and night. I fed him, washed him, brushed his teeth, drove, pushed the wheel chair, and stayed with him every moment of his frequent hospitalizations because he could not remember how to use the call button. After his diagnosis, we never slept together again. Not sexually or sleeping in the same bed. He slept in a recliner. The first year of widowhood I was numb also, going though the motions of picking up the pieces of my emotions and mental faculties. A widower at church tried to latch onto me as his next Mrs., but I just had no stomach for it.
Now,all of a sudden in this new year, I have parents with declining health-mom broke her hip, has congestive heart issues and Parkinson's. Dad, at 91, is at the end of his rope. 3 siblings, but I am the Daughter.
I have tried to pick up the pieces of my late husband 's business that his partner sacrificially ran while he was dying. The partner wants to sell. That means finding a buyer.
Now my daughter is trying to get pregnant and if she does will want major help from me to keep her business going. My son is expecting the first grandchild in Sept.,and today we found out they are going to have TWINS!!!
And of course that isn't all. Just a few weeks ago I began a tentative relationship with a wonderful man who is probably emotionally unavailable long term. He is single but has baggage.
And tonight for the first time I am working up to a serious MAD, wondering when there will be time for me to consider my own wants and needs????
Thanks for letting me vent.

Comment by Drifting on March 26, 2013 at 12:11am

Hi Pat - i'm sorry for your loss, but would like to welcome you to the group.

Comment by PatKD on March 25, 2013 at 11:58pm

Hi, I am new to this group tonight, and to widville (2 weeks).   Pat

Comment by Paula on March 25, 2013 at 8:18pm

Juls,

I hit a very hard spell at around the two year mark myself. Friends and family were really sick of me not being over it, but I was so sad, even sadder than I had been before. I don't think it is unusual. Co dependent??? I don't agree with that. My husband was my best friend, best companion, sexual partner and my love. I think this is true for all of us. Just because you find some new hobbies, or a job or other people to hang out with it does not make up for the loss. My husband traveled for business too, and I was and am perfectly comfortable being alone. We just fucking miss haveing someone LOVE US. Excuse my language but I am so tired of people who don't have a clue missing this point. I am a smart, capable,successful mostly sane human being and I think we miss being loved. I am in a new relationship now, and it helps. Friendship, companionship and yes sex. But I am not at all sure this man is ever going to be availble for me to love him, and him back to me. Not that he is married or seeing someone, but he is pretty gun shy right now.   I get what you are saying Juls.

 

Comment by bogie77 (Donna) on March 25, 2013 at 5:30pm

Juls,

I have been so blessed with family and friends.  They don't truly get the loss and the loneliness, but they try.  And they don't expect me to be "over it."  Even after 2+ years.

Is there a local support group you can join?  I attend a widows/widowers meeting once a month through hospice.  Like here, it's the most accepting place you'll find.  Therapists are trained but they haven't lived through what we have, so I don't know that they can truly understand it all.  Find more widowed people to hang out with.  Or join a local class or group where people don't know your story.  That can be refreshing.  There, you're just Juls, not Frank's widow. 

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