Born in the 50s

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Comment by LCSboomer on March 24, 2013 at 9:44am

Welcome, Jackswife. Sorry we have to "meet" this way. I, too, am quite new to the site, and I haven't posted much, just "lurked." I've been so touched by everyone's acceptance of each other and generous spirit.
I was widowed on Nov.20, 2010, and feel like I'm still in the early stages of grieving, even though I'm 28 months out. We met when I was 17, but didn't get married til we were in our early 30's, different from many of you. Our kids were just 15 and 20 when Geoff died following a bone marrow transplant. I'm still having such an awful time. My daughter (the younger one) and I have a loving but tempestuous relationship, she was much closer with her dad. 8 weeks after Geoff passed, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and had to go through major surgery, chemo & radiation alone. I had plenty of support, but you know it's not the same. At the end of the day everyone has their own family to go home to. Allison was angry at me much of the summer of 2011 that I wasn't "doing my job" well enough -- cooking, driving her around, etc.! (I teach, so i'm off summers.) I miss Geoff every day, but nothing's worse then when you're sick or after surgery and you just want your spouse to be there to take care of you!
I just found out on Thursday that I need major surgery due to impant failure, a common problem with radiated tissue. I don't know if I can face this again without Geoff. Timing will be so difficult -- I'm actually already scheduled to travel quite a bit this summer, my reward to myself after 3++ years of hell (Geoff was sick with leukemia for a long time.) and both kids are moving out this summer, Allison to college and Mark to Texas for a job ( a LONG way from the East coast!!) Also it will so interfere with some of my self-recovery, I've really embraced yoga and have formed some new friendships through it.
Anyway, I apologize for such a long post and wallowing in all this self pity!

Linda in Maryland

my new motto -- We can't go back, we can only go forward, even if sometimes that just means going on.

Comment by Jackswife on March 24, 2013 at 12:51am

Hi I'm new to this site and this group.

I was widowed a year ago  He died after a long illness

Comment by Janice on March 19, 2013 at 11:02pm

linda, you are so right, even though this horrible thing has happened to us we still have to do a lot of reaching out.  we still have to help guide people who don't know what to say, who want to say the right thing, but who say something horribly wrong.  so much of it is on us at our most horrible vulnerable time.  this house was my husband's dream, not mine.  living on the top of a mountain, up a long steep road....his, not mine.  then he died 7 months after we moved in, and now it's mine to deal with and mine to control myself when people say they couldn't live here alone.  i'm sorry, it's getting to the end of the day and it's my worst time of day.  so nice to be here with all of you.  thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.

Comment by LindaAlone on March 19, 2013 at 10:49pm

Janice you make sense, I even get, literally,  the "how do you live where?" and while I will probably never choose to live at the end of a mile long dirt road (yet, never say never...)

like you, thought early on learning to live on my own, live with myself, learning to live single, could be learned wherever I chose. I am going into my fourth year and yes, thought I'd be, miraculously somewhere settled by now. Well, I'm better settled than I was, and this whole thing moves at its own pace.

Billswife wrote that at 18 mos she can't imagine....I remember 18mos like standing steady in surf until all of a sudden the backwash  pulls the sand out from underneath. Whoa. Felt I had been slammed outta left field.

Part of the good things here are the places we can choose to read. Right here we are all of an age and however long we were married, or long/short we have been widowed, there are issues of being 50's born we share. 

I relate to Janice's words about "figuring me out". I have to smile at Texas Sue's really wise daughter and from that TSue's courage to share with us a bit of her philosophy. I can't imagine "dating" but I can imagine a life filled with good people. Why not? I had that with my Dear. Although he actually was the social one who kept up with others. That I have found challenging, taking the steps to stay in touch with others. I really never recognized his talent here and so took it for granted.

One thing I have learned is when I make an effort, however small, like an email card, (St.Pats Day) where the response comes is invariably sweet. 

An instance: a friend,of mine no less, had thought because I, frankly had dropped the ball, she felt I was done with her. She has had her issues, I mine own: bad health her/ still widowed me. Anyway we fell off the tracks. My silly e-card gave her an in to write back....and now, all good.

Guess I write this because we widows? we are not always working on all cylinders even a few years out. But we are working things out and we do need to not only appreciate where others reach out to us but where we might reach out also.

Comment by BillsWife35 Terri on March 19, 2013 at 5:45pm

I CAN't even imagine...

Comment by BillsWife35 Terri on March 19, 2013 at 5:44pm

I have been reading so many comments.  It is really nice to hear that we are so many and that we all "get it". It has been 18 months now after 35 years.  I can even imagine being with another man.  But I know my husband would feel the same.  We are still young, I am.  I don't mind living alone, but a companion some where along my life would be nice.  I just can't imagine it.  But I know, as the same as he believed we don't have to be alone, and still honor our wonderful marriage to each other.  That is now over...  To say these words in writing may help me on the way.  I don't think I could not have even put this is writing until, I read Texas Sue.  thank you.

Comment by Texas Sue on March 19, 2013 at 5:22pm

I am at 19 months after 37 years of marriage. I also have forgotten how to date and am learning to enjoy being my own person. My wise daughter counseled me to just enjoy the company of any and everyone, not feeling obligated to anything sexual etc. if someone asks me to lunch or dinner, I go. I thank the, kindly and say goodbye! Just recently started seeing someone who gives me a "spark." Don't think it will go anywhere because he is planning to move away in a couple of months. But it is nice to know I can still love my husband and be attracted to someone else. My husband died of a brain tumor. His diagnosis was virtually a death sentence,and there was no intimacy from that moment till his death 10 months later. I thought I was dead to all that!

Comment by Marsha on March 19, 2013 at 5:08pm

Janice you make perfect sense. I am at 26 months today. I am so tired of others opinions of what I should do. When I would explain where I was coming from they would tell me it was well thought out! You think! We need to learn who we are and by accomplishing new things we are empowering ourselves. This is a new world to us and one we are mastering. We are very capable individuals and are learning new things about ourself. I am also more social than my husband was and I am doing new things (line dancing) and revisiting old interests (reading, local theater). Everything done with girl friends. Dating scares the hell out of me! When the time comes there may be someone of interest who will enter my life. For now I need and want to get to know me. This is now my journey and I am moving forward a step at a time. Peace and blessings to all.

Comment by MyNewLife (Melody) on March 19, 2013 at 5:05pm

Janice, yes this makes perfect sense.

Comment by Janice on March 19, 2013 at 4:20pm

I am two years out now, and this is what I have learned:  I am way more social than my husband ever was.  i am really, really tired of other women telling me they would never live up here by themselves (i live on a mountain).  i am REALLY tired of people telling me he is with me in spirit.  i am trying very hard, though, to learn who i am as a single person, and to learn to be happy with just me.  the idea of dating horrifies me, and i know that is in part because i only want someone around to  tell me how to deal with the things that come from living on five acres.  when somebody says that grief is a journey, they are so right.  i hate not knowing where this is going.  but i am trying to figure out ME.  does this make sense?

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