Born in the 50s

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Comment by Juls on March 24, 2013 at 11:12pm

It's been over 22 months.  The last few months have been worse than the few before them.  The first year was completely lost.  The things I do remember are bad, sad, lonely, bitter, so it's best I don't remember that first year.  Now that "everyone" (who still has their spouse living with them) is expecting me to be different, it's making it harder.  I don't want to interact with those types of people at all, but I'm sick of being alone for so many things.  I'm sick of me quite frankly.  i enjoyed my own company and could be alone easily when my husband traveled.  He traveled a lot and I spent lots of time worrying that he would die in a plane crash or car accident.  Neither of us ever thought he would get cancer.  I was the one with all the health "problems" - he never got sick - not even a bad cold.  The more time that he is away, the more I think I can't do this.  My therapist is focusing on me being a co-dependent...not so much overall, but just with Frank.  Co-dependency certainly runs rampant in my family, but I don't think it's fair for therapist to harp on the co-dependency thing about how much I miss Frank and that my mood "depends" on whether I've dreamed about him or think about him intensely that day.  I mean - where do you draw the line between intense grieving for your best friend, soulmate - and just loving your spouse - and co-dependency?  I just want our life back.  I think of all the things we've missed (he has missed them, I just ignored them) and all the plans gone. I want to live differently, and I've really tried.  But this is a setback - seriously - a major setback.  I can't even finish one scrapbook.  I had them all (I have about 6 or 7 scrapbooks) out on the dining room table for literally weeks and weeks.  I put them all away today in a container.  I hadn't finished one book.  It was something we talked about doing together about 3 weeks after we knew he would not live another year.

Comment by Jackswife on March 24, 2013 at 9:37pm

It's scary but exciting too

Comment by Drifting on March 24, 2013 at 5:29pm

Jackswife that is very exciting for you!  i wish many many new opporunities come your way!

Comment by Jackswife on March 24, 2013 at 2:58pm

Thanks for the warm welcome ladies. 

 

Yes though it is easier than it was in the beginning it's still hard some days

 

I am starting to get excited that I start yet another new chapter in my life at the end of this week.  I retire after almost 31 years of service!

Comment by Suz on March 24, 2013 at 11:42am

I actually am a '49. When I came about ten months ago, no one was writing there and so I came here. I was born in November of that year so I am almost a '50. Feeling so old this morning. I have health issues. Serious fibro (everything  get turns into a pain situation...like dental work) , chronic Lyme. Going through a mega treatment for the second. I was sicker than Jud a good part of his illness but I really rallied. Now I am feeling it again. The body can only go so far!

Drifting, the aloneness gets to me, too. When i don't see people, I tend to get so down. I really work hard at that. i have rules for myself, unless I feel really crummy. I need to get out every day and I need to see someone and have a good talk every day. It helps. It does creep into every part of your life, doesn't it? i can imagine you are weighed down by the farm.

GGRose, I have thought seriously about CWW this year but I still need to get ahold of my finances. I think I am find but I had so many things go wrong with the house this year (it practically fell down around me :-) ) and I am not quite sure how things stand. I could use a boost. Jud and I were a great team. Alone...I am not so good sometimes.

Janice, welcome. I am glad you have found us. I am a year out and lost my husband to pancreatic cancer. We were married for almost 38 years and had a nice marriage. One of the miracles of my life as I did not come from the best background. I have had to do a lot of reaching out, too. That was Jud's job. Without it, I find I lose contact fast and I need to give and receive right now.

Linda in Maryland, my daughter is now 33 (had her when I was 30) and she and I had a very loving but tempestuous relationship, too. That is hard to deal with in the best of times. We started making jewelry together and ended up with a little business which we had until Jud got sick. She is now seriously working and I am retired (disability). We had to make an agreement that we would really listen to each other. We can just push each others buttons. We have had only one bad situation in the year, which is very good. I know what you mean about the closeness. There is no question about how much we love each other. I am so so sorry about the implant surgery. How hard on top of all of this. I wish we really lived in a place where we could come down and bring you some food or a new book. I hope you will be able to keep writing once you get home.

Jack's wife, welcome to you, too. We are about the same length out. It is still hard isn't it? 

LindaAlone, I loved your story about writing the note on St. Pat's Day and getting such a nice one back. People do think we are forgetting about them! I am always surprised. Jud was so very social. I am not bad and, at better times, I am good at the little notes and cards. I need to start focussing on them more to keep connected! Thanks for all your insights on what others have said. I have been writing on blogs and have lost track of new people on this group.

Janice, I think of you on top of that hill...yikes! That would be hard for me. it is hard to be living a place you don't want to be. I have struggled with that, too, thinking I should be in a condo. Now that my house is mostly fixed, I am liking it. 

Bill's Wife, I hooted at your writing! I am of the "I can't even imagine" camp right now and the thought of like being (you know really "being" with another man makes my skin crawl a little. I don't think I will remarry but I will try to keep an open mind. Dating...yuck! Still, I do get lonely and will have to keep working at companionship of some sort (friendships or otherwise) if I am to stay on my rocker (the opposite of "off it")

I am at the bottom of the page and better stop.I sure hope I have not horribly confused people in this process. So nice to find all of you here today and such great conversations.

Comment by Drifting on March 24, 2013 at 10:47am

and Welcome to you too LCSboomer - you certainly have a plateful - glad you found this site.  I hope your children discover how dear you are now that they have left home.  Hope you breeze thru your upcoming surgery.  Yoga is great healer on all fronts! - i keep meaning to get back to it but weighed down by all the work on a small farm now that i am alone.

I had a tough day yesterday, the aloneness just gets hard to deal with sometimes.  My neighbor thought it was menopause - and i am probably there (i'm 54), and i'm sure it does compound the situation.  But the reality is that people not dealing with the loss can't really understand how it creeps into every nook of your life, no matter how you try to stay positve.

Comment by GG Rose on March 24, 2013 at 10:46am

Linda, I can relate to your story on so many levels.  I lost my husband due to leukemia.  He, too, had a stem cell transplant.  It seems that when we lose them , nothing in our lives is stable.  I finally realized that was always the way; that "life" happens.  But with them at our side we cope together. I had so much happen after I lost my husband.  It seemed I couldn't get my bearings before another change would occur.  I know this delayed my grieving and I fully realize that we are all on our own time course.  I'm 5+ years out and for me, it wasn't until the 4th year that I felt any level of control.  I will also honestly say that Camp Widow was a huge help in moving me forward so if you can make either one, do try to attend.  I felt so alone in a crowd wherever I went and then Camp Widow taught me that so many of us share that feeling -the indescribable aloneness and isolation.   I hope to make it to CWW for my third time but the airfares from the midwest are not favorable this year.  Good luck to you,  you have found caring support.

Comment by Janice on March 24, 2013 at 10:40am

welcome, jackswife.  i am so sorry you have lost your husband.  i am 26 months out from my husband's massive heart attack at age 58.  i only found this website a few days ago, and am greatly comforted knowing i am not the only one.  linda, i am sorry you are having such difficulties.  you are right, we have no choice but to move forward.  you will do it all because you have to.

Comment by Drifting on March 24, 2013 at 10:33am

Welcome Jackswife, and sorry for your loss.  One year is early on the new trail - I am 2 1/2 years out from losing my husband to sudden death resulting from lung cancer and treatment.  When i am having a rough patch i am comforted just knowing i can come here and share the day.  It's a funny thing, but just knowing i am not alone helps lots.  Hope you find sharing and support here too.

Comment by LCSboomer on March 24, 2013 at 9:44am

Welcome, Jackswife. Sorry we have to "meet" this way. I, too, am quite new to the site, and I haven't posted much, just "lurked." I've been so touched by everyone's acceptance of each other and generous spirit.
I was widowed on Nov.20, 2010, and feel like I'm still in the early stages of grieving, even though I'm 28 months out. We met when I was 17, but didn't get married til we were in our early 30's, different from many of you. Our kids were just 15 and 20 when Geoff died following a bone marrow transplant. I'm still having such an awful time. My daughter (the younger one) and I have a loving but tempestuous relationship, she was much closer with her dad. 8 weeks after Geoff passed, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and had to go through major surgery, chemo & radiation alone. I had plenty of support, but you know it's not the same. At the end of the day everyone has their own family to go home to. Allison was angry at me much of the summer of 2011 that I wasn't "doing my job" well enough -- cooking, driving her around, etc.! (I teach, so i'm off summers.) I miss Geoff every day, but nothing's worse then when you're sick or after surgery and you just want your spouse to be there to take care of you!
I just found out on Thursday that I need major surgery due to impant failure, a common problem with radiated tissue. I don't know if I can face this again without Geoff. Timing will be so difficult -- I'm actually already scheduled to travel quite a bit this summer, my reward to myself after 3++ years of hell (Geoff was sick with leukemia for a long time.) and both kids are moving out this summer, Allison to college and Mark to Texas for a job ( a LONG way from the East coast!!) Also it will so interfere with some of my self-recovery, I've really embraced yoga and have formed some new friendships through it.
Anyway, I apologize for such a long post and wallowing in all this self pity!

Linda in Maryland

my new motto -- We can't go back, we can only go forward, even if sometimes that just means going on.

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