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Born in the 50s

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Camp Widow San Diego

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Comment by chef (John) on June 25, 2019 at 7:10am

Good luck, Tess.

I still think about moving once I retire. I had looked for work in other cities after Judith died and got a few interviews; unfortunately someone else always got the job...I was widowed at fifty-four and looked for work until I hit sixty. Now, I'm just riding thing out before deciding how to handle the new phase of life.

Comment by LP on June 23, 2019 at 9:52am

The house problem is a difficult one. I’m very lucky in some senses. Before Chris got ill, we downsized and designed and built a small one-two bedroom house within the gardens of our old house (we owned a couple of acres of woodland and split it in half, kept one acre and sold the other with the old house). So this home means so much to me and it’s where Chris died peacefully, looking out into the woods from the bedroom. Some of his ashes are buried under the rose bushes I planted for his memorial last year. So I could never leave. It’s actually a perfect size for one person and I’ve got an extra room for guests to stay. But there’s the maintenance . I’m on my own, useless at DIY, and worried that builders and repairmen will rip me off. It’s all manageable, but my sadness and insecurities get the better of me when I’m faced with trying to get someone in to fix a faulty window or wood treat the frame, etc. I get upset and fuss at C for leaving me with this. Then I feel foolish because I know how lucky I am to have a lovely home. If only it still had C in it. 

Comment by Nannie on June 22, 2019 at 1:45pm

AHHH! Barzan you sound like Bill and I ...we planned on a 2 bedroom rancher....with a brick patio out back and a pool for all the kids.....we had it all designed...didn't stand a chance ...he was dx at 51 and passed at 54...I retired to be his caregiver....we were very comfortable...but losing an income, his medical and repairs on the house have put me where I can afford to live...but there is really no extra left...I'd like to be a little more comfortable financially...Totally understand with your grandson...our kids and grandkids have to live their lives...I want them to.....life goes on...

Comment by Barzan on June 22, 2019 at 1:00pm

Nannie, My husband and I had planned to purchase a condo somewhere near the ocean when we retired.  Ne died at 63 before he was planning to retire.  I worked on to 66 and the thought of an Oceanside condo just is not what I’d do alone.  So for now I will remain in our home and enjoy the roses he planted for me.  I do have to hire people to do things for me but having no mortgage, it’s not a financial burden.   Crazy how wonderful plans can suddenly vanish in a blink of an eye.

Ron, have a safe flight and enjoy the time with your son and his family.  Be present because we never know how a day can change our lives.  Let us know you arrived safely and share some of your adventures.

I have one grandson.  He would come over and help me with outdoor chores until he found his love interest.  I get it and have nothing but love for him.  

Basically, the world just doesn’t stop for us so we need to keep moving.

Big hugs to all.

Suzan

Comment by Nannie on June 22, 2019 at 12:40pm

I have no bad feelings about  my home..and am also grateful that I have one...it's just too much work for me, too big for just me, and now the repairs are killing me financially..I would like to sell and move into a nice one bedroom anything...

Congratulations....I had my first grandson 2 years after my middle daughter passed at 21..and he truly helped to fill some holes...never completely but he did bless my life...and 4 years after I lost my husband I had my second grandson....who truly helps....one is 19 the other is 3....and I have a 17 year old grandaughter in between who is like one of my own...I had 3 daughters...and she's like my youngest...wishing you years of happiness with your new addition...

Comment by CarLady on June 22, 2019 at 10:25am

Ultra - best wishes for a smooth flight and good trip .

  1. house - I’m in the house my DH and I bought on our first wedding anniversary 39 years ago.  It was his happy place and I’m staying for now. It’s good and bad, seeing him in his favourite spots but I’m managing the keep the place up for now. Tons of work though all the cleaning , huge yard and gardens. Then snow removal all winter.  I keep reminding myself how lucky I am that I have a house in Toronto where prices are astronomical.  And that I can afford to pay for things I can’t do myself.  Moving will be a ways off for me as long as my health holds.  I’m healthy now, hope to remain strong.  Beautiful summer weekend here and I’m hosting a baby shower for my daughter tomorrow.  My first grandchild will be a boy in August. A new life.  
Comment by Ultra2015 on June 22, 2019 at 10:08am
  • Hi everyone. Issues about the house are so hard. We moved into our new house March 9, 2015 and Sandi was diagnosed on June 6,2015. Sometimes I am so happy to be here because it was her happy place and then some days I don’t want the house or anything I’m it. I try to stay positive about the 2 1/2 years we we here together and live on those memories. Hoping everyone can find a happy place. I keep looking. 
  • Take care. 
  • Off to London in the morning 
  • hugs. 
Comment by Nannie on June 22, 2019 at 8:53am

Barzan ...I am somewhat in your place...I am happy in my home...a lot of happy memories here...BUT it's too much house for me. too many rooms, too many repairs happening...I have wanted to move for maybe 3 years..I really want to just rent a one bedroom apartment that I have no worries in....but just can't figure out where I want to go....would like to move out of my area...but still want to be within 30 minutes of my daughters and grandchildren...so ..I still dream and wait...

Comment by Barzan on June 22, 2019 at 6:27am

Susan and Tess,  That really is it - we are no one's #1 and, aside from my cat, no one by my side when I go to sleep and wake in the morning who says I love you.   I also really miss the "remember when we....."

After my B passed, I stayed in our house because I had some wonderful neighbors who were supportive and offered their help whenever I needed.  Now those neighbors are either gone or just way to busy in their own lives to be part of mine.  We wave and say hello.  That's it.   It's okay.  I've thought about moving but houses are so expensive in my state that it just doesn't make sense to leave.  I have done some remodeling but not so much that it doesn't feel like "our home".  

Hugs,

Suzan

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on June 22, 2019 at 5:33am

@Susan:  I guess I'm "lucky" in that once I bought the house in which I now live, my old house was no longer my house in my mind.  If I'm honest, that house was just not a very happy place.  It needed pretty much EVERYTHING done, and we spent so much on the outside (siding, windows, roof, doors) that we had no money left to do the inside.  It was cluttered, I'd hated the carpet, the counters and cabinets were delaminating, and my husband had never wanted a house.  After he died, I did a ton of remodeling, thinking I'd stay till retirement, but even a nice new kitchen and bath wasn't enough.  The energy in that house was just bad.  It was where most of his depressions took place.  It was where his career fell apart.  It was where his brain started to betray him.  And it was where he woke up on a September morning in 2013 covered in his own feces (he was having chemoradiation) after having a stroke.

It helped that my new house was completely updated, beautiful, and I'd been welcomed via email to the neigborhood before I even moved in.  The night before I moved I slept on a futon that the new owners had wanted.  The rest of the house was pretty much empty after the movers had gone.  Mostly I just felt sad; sad at the promise the house had held that just didn't happen. And I was sad because I'd wanted a young family to move in and make happy memories in that house and the new owner was an 87-year-old woman and her adult daughter.  

The morning I loaded up the car with what was left and drove away, I called out the window "So long, suckers!" (well, I WAS leaving New Jersey, after all.)  And I haven't looked back.  I wish my husband had been able to share this house with me.  But I am content.

 

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