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Born in the 50s

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Comment by DonnaReid on December 5, 2011 at 3:15pm

Wow Mary, You sure are carrying a heavy load. Sounds to me like you are a prime candidate for Heaven when the time comes. You and your family will be in my prayers!

Comment by junebug132 on December 5, 2011 at 1:40pm

What a good person you are Mary and I'm sure Tom appreciates what you are doing for his Mother in his place.I'm sure in your Mother-in-laws heart she's thankful as well.I'm in my 50's and know that I'm in for a lonely life as well so I can relate to you very well.Please know you're not alone and alot of people care and want to be here for you emotionally.Christmas is going to be really horrible this year and I'm not looking forward to this at all.I'm not even putting up a tree.I just can't do it.You have my prayers and thoughts.Take Care

Comment by Joyce on December 5, 2011 at 1:33pm

@Mary, sorry you are having such a rough time.   (((Hugs)))

Comment by Diane in Connecticut on December 5, 2011 at 12:51pm

you stay strong Mary... we are here to help.

Comment by Mary99 on December 5, 2011 at 12:10pm

I'm having a trying time right now.  My mother-in-law is 87 and is beginning to "fade".  She has fallen several times in this past month, is forgetting things, etc.  I am working with her other 3 sons to get her into an independent living facility, but it takes time to get the required physical, the paperwork, etc.  We started the conversation in January of this year, and although at first she was pretty gung-ho, the closer it got to moving, the more she resisted.  She finally said that she wanted to stay in her home till she died - but with the falling and memory problem, that is no longer an option.  I have watched her decline this year and it breaks my heart.  I love this lady more than I love my own mother and I will be devastated when she dies.  Happy for her because she has had a wonderful life and is a prime candidate for heaven.  Sad for me to not have her here any more.

I have changed my work schedule so that I am with her from Monday night until Wednesday morning, and am frustrated because that is all I can do.  (The 'boys' look in on her on the weekends and in the evenings.)  I am frustrated that this is TOM's mom and he's not here to do this.  And maybe deep down I am afraid that I am looking at my own future. 

She was widowed in her 50s, and my own mother (who is now 90) was in her 40s.  Neither one married again.  What a legacy they've left me!  Part of it is encouraging because I think - if they can do it, I can do it - and part of it is overwhelming because they've each lived alone SO LONG!  Am I up for that?

Add to that the holidays without Tom, and the fact that he passed away at this time of year, and I have got one BIG case of melancholy going on here.

Comment by freddieb on November 29, 2011 at 8:34pm

December is a difficult month for me and I always miss Walter more at Christmas because I remember how special he made the very first Christmas that we were together after we became engaged.  He bought the kids and I a Christmas tree and we hadn't had one in years and he bought all of us gifts and it was a real Christmas for us and we got gifts for him too.  Such sweet memories.  And I also remember his last Christmas with us  I wrote in my journal on 12/18/08 that he'd seen his cardiologist and his heart was doing well and his EKG was good.  We celebrated Christmas with our family and we took pictures that year and I'm so glad we did.  He's smiling in the pictures even though now when I look at them I can see how sick he was. He ended up in the hospital four days after Christmas and we spent New Years Eve night in his hospital room together.  He was released New Years day, but on 1/3/09, he got ill at my daughter's baby shower and I had to take him back to the hospital that evening; and then he never came home, he was gone 3 days later.  Congestive Heart Failure. Sometimes I still can't make sense of it, but, I know it was just his time to go and so God called him home. This will be the 3rd Christmas without him and I know I will cry again this year too, but, that's OK.  Walter was a real husband to me and I don't expect to ever have that kind of love and devotion in my life again.  It's OK to cry for him sometimes.  He's worth it and your spouses were too.  Prayers and love to you all. ((Hugs)))    

Comment by flamingt on November 29, 2011 at 6:22pm

Junebug....we have been there are are still there with you.  Crying releases the pent up endorphins that can cause illness.  If there is no release, it's unhealthy.  So cry, and cry often...pretty soon you'll find that your body will feel better and then you can start laughing, because laughing does the same!  


This year it will be my fourth Christmas without my love Larry.  Last Thursday, on Thanksgiving was my very first Thanksgiving without any of my family with me...EVER!  I went to a restaurant Thanksgiving buffet, paid the $24.95 and sat there alone at the table eating it.  I even had a glass of "our" favorite white wine.  As I did that, of course I was melancholy, but then I remembered all the good Thanksgivings I have ever had.  I walked along the river afterwards and witnessed a new woman, one who has grown exponentially with herself.  A new wisdom for this widow.  Not everything will go the way we want it, but after all is said and done, you realize that in the big scheme of the plan, that everything is really going to be just fine.


Be with your family, cry and let them know that you are not only crying for your loss, but for your gain of your new wisdom and knowing that your family loves you and cares for you, don't hide it, share it, it's more intimate that way.

Comment by shirley on November 29, 2011 at 4:04pm

Good advice from Mary99 that I think we can all relate to. Cry if you need to and who cares what other's think. They should be so lucky as to have had such love in their lives.

Comment by Mary99 on November 29, 2011 at 3:44pm

Junebug, don't worry about the tears.  This is my fourth Christmas without Tom and I still get misty - so I go out and walk the dog and talk to the sky.  People would think I'm crazy if they realized how often I go around muttering to myself.  When family is together the little ones sometimes still come up and say that they miss Uncle Tom.  We hug.  I wipe away the tears.  And it's okay.  He passed November 3rd that year - and let me tell you that whole holiday season was pretty bleak.  I don't know how I got through it - I don't know how ANYONE gets through it.  But you do and then it's over and you tackle the next day.

Overall, it seems to get easier as time goes by.  Not all the time, but enough of the time to keep moving on. The first time I did anything was hard: the first Christmas, the first repair issue, the first trip, the first time I went out to a restaurant alone for dinner......  But the more often I do something the easier it gets. 

Go ahead and be with the family for Christmas.  Sitting home alone crying and missing him will probably not make you feel better than spending time with family.  Share a few tears, a few stories, and a few hugs.  It's good therapy.  They're missing him too and want you there. 

Comment by Joyce on November 29, 2011 at 2:37pm

Junebug, I've had our granddaughters either together or separately a couple of times since Tom died.  They have seen me cry more then once.  I just told them that I miss him very much and it is okay to cry.  One gd cries with me and the other rubs my arm.  This will also be their first Christmas with their "Grandpop" and I will be spending it with his kids and fully expect to cry.


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