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Comment by freddieb on July 14, 2012 at 11:24pm

Diane, I agree, this is so hard.  I know I will miss Walter forever.  I think for me getting through the 2nd year was even harder than the first.  The 2nd year is when the fog cleared enough for me to realize that now I had to learn how to live the rest of my life without Walter and that realization made me weepy so many days.  And, GG, your statements are so true.  We don't get through it by trying to ignore or escape it, we have to lean into it and experience it, this grief that none of us invited into our lives.  I find that if I try to pretend that I'm OK when I'm really not, the grief comes anyway, so I might as well acknowledge it.  It's been 3.5 years now since Walter passed away and I will say that I have found joy again in many things.  I am so grateful for that too.  Some days I feel like I'm human again, and happy to be alive, and my smile and laughter is no longer forced, but real.  But, there may always be a hidden sadness in me that others can't and really don't need to see.  It's that secret place where my heart longs for my love who has gone on to Heaven before me.  I can go weeks and even months without a reminder of him (even though I still think of him every day) and then I'll pass by a place that we used to go or I'll think about how he used to make me blush with his flirting, even well into our marriage, and I think how cruel it is to have known real love and have it leave just like that.  But, my strength comes from the God I serve.  The one who was with Walter and I as we faced so many trials and struggles together as a married couple and with his health. He, the Lord, promised never to leave me nor to forsake me, and He has been true to His Word these last 3.5 years.  We get through it one day, one moment, one second, one prayer at a time.  (((Hugs))) to all of you and I pray that you have peace and strength for your journey. 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on July 14, 2012 at 6:55pm

We are all different ... we were different personalities even before our losses ... our time with our loved ones was different ... our loss experiences were different ... so it is to be expected that this journey won't be the same for any of us.

There is no 'right' way to do it. We just need to find what works for us and not place any expectations on how long it will take or judge how quickly others find their way through it. I will miss my husband every day for the rest of my life. I hate that he is not here with me where he should be ... tears still come and I expect they always will (I cried throughout the old Carole King/James Taylor concert I watched on PBS last night because of the memories it brought back to me). But I am also able to focus on the blessings instead of the trials, to appreciate the little joys that find their way into my life, and to record them daily in my gratitude journal. That is what works for me.

Comment by GG Rose on July 14, 2012 at 5:35pm

You will get there grace28 becasue you are doing the "work" to get there!  The despair of losing them and not wanting to go on without them is so real.  This WILL lead you back to joy.  But it can be a long journey.  7 years is not unusual - gasp.  Be patient with yourself.

We all want our pampered lives back...I just didn't realize it then.  Blessings.

Comment by Su on July 14, 2012 at 5:16pm

Thank you, GG Rose. That was helpful.

Comment by grace28 on July 14, 2012 at 5:11pm

Oh, I'm not saying I don't cry. I sob! Especially when I think of how my DH loved life and his friends, etc. He was such a joy to everyone. More than I'll ever be! He was a hugger, laugher, lover of life. I sob! When he knew he was sick, he said "I want you to have a whole other life after I'm gone". I was 11 yrs younger than him,, totally devoted to him. Everyone said what  a spoiled brat he was. I am sobbing but trying to push through something. Don't really care if I live but if I do, I want to feel alive again. What is life without some joy again. I want my house to be noisy and happy again. Trying to figure that out right now.

Comment by GG Rose on July 14, 2012 at 4:34pm

I'm in awe of those that can find the joy in this and that is how they find their way through the muck and mire of this overwhelming emotional storm. We can't take or make the sad go away because experiencing that is exactly how we get through it. I remember early on people saying you will get through it; and I wondered what is IT?  Give me the steps to get through IT! At the same time, those who don't understand would tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself.  We all know the lines.  Build your new life, quit holding on to the past, stop feeling sorry for yourself blah, blah, blah... So I put on the happy face and pretended that all was well.  Well, all was not well and I felt like I was not handling my grief well and failing at yet another thing. That there was something wrong with how I felt. THEN I went to a grief counselor and that has made all the difference.  She gave me permission to feel sad, to cry, to be angry and to recognize that there wasn't a whole lot to be joyful about but that it would come.  I said to her, "I feel this incredible sadness and I just wish I could cry. But I'm not suppose to do that. I'm suppose to be strong and tough and happy".  And she told me I needed to cry and let it out.  Folks, Time alone won't do it.  You have to give yourself permission to feel all the hurt and sadness becasue that is dealing with the loss.  The loss of our soulmates, our security, our today, our tomorrow, our future , our confidantes, our everything! This is a MAJOR life event.   I had stuffed this so tightly so I could be better that I was paralyzed in an odd sort of way.  She told me to listen to music, or look at pictures or what ever would start the tears and let them come.  And you know what I found?  That afterward there was this cleansing feeling.  And the next time I had the "lows", it wasn't as bad but I recognized that I felt better after "dealing" with it.  And when anyone told me I wasn't doing well, I told them, "Don't take my grief away".  We owe it to ourselves.  That is how we get through IT!

We can't be fixed with a cliche, we can't be tough and get through it.  We will get through it by feeling "it".  And it will get better. 

I am 4.5 years and I still have lots of bad days but I have more better days and the pain is not so intense.  The edge is not so raw. I don't go quite so low.  And I reach out to safe people that understand and help me through it by recognizing and allowing me to be sad.  If you can still count the timeline in months, you are still very fresh to this journey.  Allow yourself to be where you are.  Build your safety net and circle.  Reach out to us.  We will hold your hand and cry with you.  That is how you will find joy someday!  We have to help each other to that day.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on July 14, 2012 at 1:14pm

I can relate to each of your posts on this 'finding joy' topic. I never liked hearing that time would make a difference, but must admit now that it has. However, it's been more like time AND effort that have worked for me. If I had chosen to just let the last 22 months pass without making any effort whatsoever to embrace the little, tiny bits of joy that dropped by unexpectedly I doubt I would be where I am today.

Yes, the sadness still visits and I have my weepy days. I was married for 41 years; I’ve never been alone. This is hard. I will forever miss my husband and the loss of my identity as “Vern & Dianne”.  But I promised him that I would be OK, that I would survive this, and I will continue to make this effort … for him … but also for me, too.  There is really no other choice for me. Faith ~ Hope ~ Love

Comment by Stumbling (Susan) on July 14, 2012 at 12:21pm

Dianne, there were days when I wish I had.  Then the pain and the continual ache would end.  I haven't been right since the anniversary of his death.

Comment by grace28 on July 14, 2012 at 12:02pm

There are things that make me weepy, that I know I should do! Like having dinner with my Husbands' friends from work.  They do invite me and I think, he would want me to go but it makes me cry. Oh well, now I've cried all week about dinner tomorrow night at the shore and I'm actually starting to look forward to it. Gotta get these "firsts" done.

Comment by Diane on July 14, 2012 at 11:30am

Tiffany..that is some good advice...to go looking for joy.  There is plenty around if I open my eyes to it.  The easiest source is my 7 mo grandson.  I have also been feeling that despair is a choice I have to be conscious not to choose.  There is ALWAYS some kind of hope to grasp onto....I didn't die with my beloved.

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