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Born in the 50s

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Members: 824
Latest Activity: Oct 15

Discussion Forum

DATING?

Started by Dianne in Nevada. Last reply by Roxi Sep 13. 112 Replies

2 years today

Started by jlsrdh. Last reply by Estragon Sep 9. 7 Replies

Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Ultra2015 Aug 22. 35 Replies

Misery loves company

Started by Tess. Last reply by Roxi Aug 21. 31 Replies

having a hard time

Started by drgayle. Last reply by Angie Aug 18. 6 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by Roxi on October 15, 2020 at 12:25am

Tekwriter i hope you can find comfort for your deep pain

Take good care of yourself hugs Roxi

Comment by shelley on October 14, 2020 at 12:03pm

Tekwriter, I am so sorry for the losses you've suffered and hope you find peace. 

Comment by Tess on October 14, 2020 at 9:46am

Tekwriter, I wish you the best. I hope you get justice for your son’s death that helps you in your healing.
Hugs to you. 

Comment by Tekwriter on October 14, 2020 at 9:13am

Hello everyone, I have not been here for almost a year. I just wanted to let you know I will be leaving. From what other grieving mothers have told me the second year is even worse than the first but I honestly don't understand  how. I just know I am too wrapped up in the grief groups and working toward getting justice for my son to come here anymore. All of you were a great help to me after my husband passed and I wanted to thank you so  much.

Comment by Tess on September 30, 2020 at 3:45am

Amby and LP, you both are truly inspiring with what you each accomplished. Those baby steps don’t seem significant at the time, but they lay the groundwork for eventually where you set your sights. I am proud of you. 
While I was reading these, I was thinking if I had any similar experiences. There were home maintenance chores that my husband performed that I had to figure out on my own, and I did, but there was one activity we shared that I chose to let go.  
We were members of our local chapters of American Legion and Veterans of Foreign Wars clubs. While I had a number of friends I would see weekly at these clubs, I never went back after my husband’s death. At first, like you, I was hesitant, but then it became more. My husband went down a very bad road with alcohol that eventually lead to his death. While he took responsibility for his own actions, I felt that the entire lifestyle was distinctly different from who I had become.

Now I realize that we lacked a shared activity that would comfort me through these years. It is on me to create new ones. 

Comment by LP on September 30, 2020 at 12:07am

Amby, that is really inspiring the way you just took small but steady steps to reclaim the things you love from the appalling pain of grief. I’m sure you’ll get there and you’ll be able to enjoy the wonderful memories too. I think that in time, the memories will add to your enjoyment of being on the boat  rather than be the source of pain.. 

I had a similar problem with the game of cricket. I’m not sporty, but my husband- English to his bones- loved watching cricket, and over the years I would accompany him to matches and slowly learned to appreciate the sport. The summer after his death, I tried watching the big test matches on the telly and couldn’t bear it. I though I’d go to see a match in C’s memory, but couldn’t do that either. Now, just this year, I got a book to remind myself of the rules (it has weird fielding positions that constantly change) and gradually I was  able to watch the summer season again,I hope that next summer, if we are allowed to attend sports events, I can get a ticket to the test match at Lord’s in London, take along a picnic as we used to do (tuna salad sandwiches, devilled eggs, cake and tea) and fill in the score book. Such happy memories.

Comment by Amby on September 29, 2020 at 3:52pm

Hi LP. Thanks for kind words and support. It took baby steps each time to get on the boat by myself. When you lose your partner of 27 years with whom you did everything, it’s Like the rug is pulled out from under you. You can lose all confidence in the simplest things. I could not bring myself to throw out the anchor and swim off the boat like we used to do for 25 years. I had to take baby steps each one terrifying at the time. For example, the first step was just to open the area holding the anchor by myself which meant letting go of steering and bending on floor. Silly but true. That’s all I could do. Next time I opened the hood and pulled anchor chain out on deck of boat. That was all I could do breathing so fast scared. Next time open hold, get anchor out of hood and put on deck then get chain and line ready to toss. That was it. Next time I Did all and threw it over side. Next time I did all, three it over side and shut engine off for  a long 5 Minutes. It took another several sessions to do all that and jump off back of boat line id done a million times before when we were together. There are so many instances of this paralyzing fear. But I did it, slowly but surely. Did anyone else feel this loss of confidence in everything even simple things? 

Comment by shelley on September 27, 2020 at 8:56am

Tess, Just read about someone breaking into a home and trying to steal Joe Montana's granddaughter.  Such crazy times for kids.  

Comment by LP on September 26, 2020 at 10:11pm

That’s so great that you’re able to go in the boat. It may be hard at first, but step by step, you’ll be able to feel you’re carrying on the happiness and paying homage to a wonderful partnership. I immagine your husband would  love the idea of you out in the boat. And an ice cream in the docks sounds just the thing. You don’t have to go anywhere or do anything that you don’t feel like doing. Just listen to the moment- whatever you feel like doing is the right thing. 

Comment by Amby on September 26, 2020 at 3:43pm

Now I am at a B&b trying to enjoy something. We had a boat together for 27 years and I now have it with me in NH. I’m out in it every weekend. And this weekend is so nice I thought I’d stay close by to the lake to go out maybe the last good weekend of the season. I’m out by myself I’ve gotten less apprehensive about it. But then I get off and don’t know where to go. I got an ice cream and sat on the docks alone. I don’t want to eat anywhere so I just left to make a peanut butter sandwich for supper. Easier than feeling the loneliness. The nights are hard. 

 

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