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Born in the 50s

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Members: 715
Latest Activity: 6 hours ago

Discussion Forum

TRAVELING ALONE?

Started by CarolinaHeart. Last reply by Athena53 on Wednesday. 82 Replies

Giving Myself a Panic Attack

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by LP Jun 10. 9 Replies

The hardest time of day

Started by Tess. Last reply by 1988zinnia Jun 8. 26 Replies

Deja Vu all over again?

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by LP Jun 2. 4 Replies

Problems with moving

Started by Racingfan60. Last reply by Melissa Mar 10. 2 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by Melissa 6 hours ago

Allan_sch, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how much you miss your wife. As LP said, we had LOVE. There are so many people who never felt the kind of love we felt for our person. That love is a blessing, and it never dies. I wish you peace and comfort in this new season of life.

Comment by Allan_sch 9 hours ago

I was married for 30 years with my wife, I sure miss her. She went home to be with the Lord on May 14th 

Comment by shelley 9 hours ago

NoLongerinBergenJC, I like your comment, 'lost 2/3 of who you've been... the Him and the US'.  I feel so incredibly lost so much of the time.  Have no idea who I am or who I want to be.  Losing 2/3 is a comforting number-  like it's okay to be as lost as I am.   

Comment by LP 12 hours ago

I agree, there is no “why”. I look at men my husband ‘s age, who are walking around fit and healthy, and ask why him and not you? It is just the way it is.  But look at all the messages here - they all describe the pain of lost love- and that’s this important thing - we have all had love. Of course, that’s why the pain is so bad, but it means we have had something  many people never get in their lives. And I wouldn’t have given up those 23 deeply happy years for  not feeling pain now.

Comment by booktime (Susan) 14 hours ago

Riet, I agree with Bergen on much.

I have been part of a widow's group for the last 4 years - it's a different kind of group in that our intent is to have fun and experience new things. But we also talk, oh do we talk, and help each other. One of the best things one of them said to me as I approached our anniversary, his birthday, was to think of something Ed did that made me laugh. Since then I have thought of many things and will catch myself actually laughing out loud!

This is too soon for you but I say it to let you know that there will be good and strong memories of your husband of what he was like before he was ill. But as Bergen said, you will need to want  that and you will know when you do.

Now just be gentle with yourself and don't let anyone push you into things you don't feel comfortable with. Your grief is yours and yours alone. It will get better in that our lives are forever changed and we adjust to our new normal.

Hugs.

Comment by riet 16 hours ago

Thank you so much again dear Bergen.

Riet

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC 17 hours ago

Yes, riet you WILL find balance in your life again.  It will be a different balance, and it will not always be even and sometimes you will have those moments when you're like "Wait....did that really happen?  How the heck could that have happened?"  

Sometimes I feel like my husband is away on business or something, even after five years.  But to be truthful, it was astonishing to me how quickly I got used to living alone after he died.  Part of it is that he had been so depressed for so long, and on an emotional rollercoaster about his work situation, that just having quiet helped make the adjustment easier.  Of course then the reality sets in.

You are not half a person.  You are still "Riet."  But you have lost 2/3 of who you've been during your marriage.  You've lost the "Him" part of you and the "Us" part of you.  That is why it feels like a huge chunk of yourself is gone.  When someone has, say, early-stage lung cancer the way my mother did, and they have a piece of a lung removed, they have to do exercises to make the remaining lobes do the work that the missing ones did.  That is kind of what you will learn to do over time -- expand "Riet" to fill that empty space.  You can do this!!  But you have to WANT to and you will know when that WANT TO time comes.

And still....

You know with social media, all kinds of people are accessible that never were before.  Last night I was watching a livecast from Twitter.  It was one of Steve's favorite baseball players livecasting from his home, playing music, playing with his cat and talking about the music he likes.  Steve would have gotten such a kick out of this.  He would have loved to be able to "spend the evening with" one of his baseball idols.  He would have loved being able to see all the Dead & Company shows for thirty bucks a pop right from home on nugs.net.  And then it hurts all over again that HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THESE THINGS.  But I have to look at it from the perspective of how blessed I am that I CAN do these things.  It makes me appreciate my life more.

It does get better.  It never goes away, but it does get better.

Comment by riet 17 hours ago

Dear Bergen and Maggie,

I read both your answers with a lot of attention. They both help me to understand.  I too am an agnostic and my question "Why" is for anyone and no one at the same time. I often want to announce I don't accept what happened to my husband.  But of course no one answers.  Not  the walls I am shouting too, nor the furniture, nor anything else.

Yes  I know the universe is random.  Only we were  silly  enough to believe this could only happen to another person and not to us. Of course we knew  this wasn't true. How selfish we wanted to be.

We really thought nothing could separate us.  We were wrong, as the poem says.  Life has been so good for us when we found each other. Away the loneliness that came by living in  postwar Europe as a kid.

We had each other and could face whatever life brought us. Together we were strong.

And now I am only half a person.  I miss him in everything I do.  Not one moment he is out of my mind.

But never he will be with me again.  Never, never.

And I am glad to read I will find my good memories back.  Because now indeed I see only the last 6 months, which were as described by Maggie.  A terrible agonizing death.  The only thing what differs is: with a lot of help, I was able to let him stay at  home to die. 

I can only remember now of that night how he battled against it.  The panic in his eyes when he realized what was happening.

I hope to get that night out of my head. I read you Maggie: it will take time... lots of it.  And I know it's only 2 months now.  Maybe one time I will find back a balance in my life.  

Thank you all for being able to tell you this and reading your stories to know I am not alone.

Hugs to all of you

Comment by Maggie 23 hours ago

Great point, Bergen. I see people over and over asking why..why did God do this etc. they do themselves a great disservice with this because it is just random.

Reit...it will take time..lots of it. My husband too died of glioblastoma. They thought he had carpel tunnel because his one hand wouldn't work well. An MRI and 5 months later, he was gone. A terrible agonizing death to end up bedridden and in diapers in a nursing home. A horrible way to die. I'm at 5 years and while I've moved and made a life, it is something you never truly get over. You just accept it like a scar that has no more pain, although it will flare up at times.

Im 71, so im too old for another long love and too young to be alone from here on out. But this is what I've chosen..not to want another relationship. Even though we had our ups and downs, there could be no other I felt as connected to as my husband.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC yesterday

@reit:  Your grief is still new and still raw.  You know, sometimes I think that being spiritually agnostic is a blessing, because when you believe that the universe is random and s#!t happens, it's actually a comfort.  I don't bother asking "Why?" because the universe is random.  I've been blessed in some ways and cursed in some ways.  Because the universe is random.  My husband was blessed with being born to a middle class family, cursed in being born (like me) to a mother who could not love him.  And of course he was cursed with the double-whammy of cancer and a brain disease and a stubbornness that would not let him do the self-care he needed to do.  Because the universe is random.  Because it's not about who deserves and who doesn't.  I don't have to try to make sense out of a deity that is so capricious that lets good people, even CHILDREN, die horrible deaths and others live long and well.

I somehow got sucked into the YouTube vlogs of two young people who are vlogging their cancer journeys.  One is a 32-year-old man who has been battling a very rare cancer for three years and is now terminal.  Another is a 24-year-old fitness instructor who is in end-stage metastatic melanoma.  Another that I didn't follow but of course these channels are all linked, was only 16.  You want to talk "Why?"  THERE's some why for ya.  Because "s#!t happens."  Because the universe is random.  Because it's not about deserving or not deserving.

If your daughter can finish his tramway that will be a wonderful tribute to him and give it a very deep meaning.  Of course you can only see his suffering and despair.  For me it was two years before I could remember anything about my life with my husband other than the last six months.  It will come.  You are new at this.  Just breathe and put one foot in front of the other, and then do it again.  It will come.

 

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