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Born in the 50s

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Members: 706
Latest Activity: 14 minutes ago

Discussion Forum

Problems with moving

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Comment by Slick 14 minutes ago

Don./...I am so glad the counselor was a help and you found face to face really does help us...

Comment by dcube 25 minutes ago

I wshebent to see my therapist today she said she would get me through. She also gave me a resource called the phoenix house they have bereavement r]meetingsall the time so for so for right now I feel less than crappy thank you don

Comment by Melissa 22 hours ago

Don, The Suicide Hotline has become my best friend. I have called them four times since my husband died. What's so wonderful about them is that they understand the pain, and talk to you as long as you need to talk. They aren't trying to hospitalize you (that was my fear the first time I called), they just talk and listen until you feel better. You can call as often as you want. They're wonderful, and I don't think I would be here today if it weren't for them. Their number is  1-800-273-8255.

Please stay with us. You've suffered more in your life than anyone should, but it will get better. 

My heart is with you.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC 23 hours ago

@dcube:  I think we have all had those thoughts.  I know that I fear death a lot less than I used to.  Part of it is that for a long time I had manifestations of him in dream visits and I would see him in places like parking lots.  But when we lose a spouse, we don't lose half of ourselves, we lose two-thirds of ourselves.  Because a marriage is "Me", "Him/Her", and "Us".  And when you lose a spouse, you lose the last two.  

The only things that help are: 

1)  Time.  It DOES get better, especially if you can make the effort to build some kind of a life for yourself.  If your friends scatter, make new ones.  Join meetups. Do volunteer work.  

2)  Gratitude.  You are too raw now for this, but over time, try to train your mind to think about the blessing you had of your time together.  "Don't be sad that it's gone, be glad that it happened" is a cliche, but it really does help.  I recently saw on Facebook a video of a man waiting for his wife at an airport with flowers and candy.  And when he saw her, his face lit up.  I don't get "triggered" often, but that was a smack in the face of what I will never, ever, ever, ever have.  Those are the times when anger can well up, but instead I choose to think of the 30 years that I had with someone who even with the problems we had, was well-suited to my particular brand of weirdness.

3)  Being with people who "get it".  This group is one way, but it still is you alone in the house.  If there is a support group or even better, social group of widows/widowers, join it.  

Here's what doesn't help:

1) Alcohol/drugs to "kill the pain".  This is a necessary journey and there are no shortcuts.

2) Suicide

3) Rushing into another relationship to "fill the hole".  Men in particular, I think, are in danger of this.  Again -- there are no shortcuts.  I am only now, after 4-1/2 years, feeling like if I met someone else, I would not be cheating on my husband.  That said, I find myself with no desire to meet someone else. There is a man I talk to at a friend's parties a couple of times a year and that is the extent of it.  And every time I wish we were attracted to each other (neither of us is), I think "He's 70.  OMG.  No."

Over time, you may find yourself evaluating where you want to live.  For me, it was moving 500 miles away to the area where my sister lives.  It isn't so much to be near her as it is that I have always liked the area and wanted to retire here anyway.  I've made a lot of women friends and I go out a lot with them and I am busy and happy.  I did a lot of remodeling of my old house after my husband died (he couldn't handle the disruption) and it still wasn't enough to keep me there.  I felt like a square peg in a round hole, like I was trying to live a life that was forever gone and it felt fraudulent.  Now it feels real, like it's MINE and it fits.

It will get better, I promise.  

Comment by Slick yesterday

Oh Don...I do understand both of your tragic daughter has been gone 20 years this past August....I believe I was non-coherent for at least 10 of a robot....but my Bill even though he was her step-father would take one look at me and know..I was hurting....when he passed...I felt like the world ended and how In God's holy name can I and will I live through this...with the help of God , grief groups and this forum...I can say at 7 years ...I am doing pretty good....still have my downs...but more ups....I have also lost 4 of my closest girlfriends from grade the loneliness is a killer at times....prayers coming your way..

Comment by dcube yesterday

thanks slick its nice not to feel alone in this so far today it hasn't been a really bad day it took me 12 years to finally come to accept his death but that was in my heart this is takingits toll in all that I do I just wanna sleep don't care if I shower don't care if I eat . evidently it gets better but at this moment it feels like a never ending hurt in my thinking spirit and and body  

Comment by Lev yesterday

Dear Don.  You are so right.  Do not underestimate your anguish. It is just fine and completely acceptable to acknowledge ones vulnerability.  You don't need to or have to be strong.  Here is so much caring here for you.  We really do accept one another unconditionally.  Hugs. Lev 

Comment by Slick yesterday

I;m sorry Don..that you lost your son also....yes it is very different....sometimes I felt like I let my daughter down...because my husband held my hand through years after she passed..he actually passed on her birthday so I know she came for me to let me know she was OK and he would be too....that helped, didn't hurt's a rough day for me ..every year....but I get through it...they were two different relationships and are definitely tow different heartaches and losses.....your partner isn't here to share the loss of your son with you....and I think we are actually grieving 2 losses at once at this point...we're scared....."what will I do without him/her" 

Comment by dcube yesterday

I too lost my son in 2002 in a car accident that still hurts but this is a different kind of hurt its like half of me is missing now. I don't think I would do it again but intellect means nothing when your emotions take over. plus I never got to say goodbye . every night before we went to bed we would kiss our right hands and put them together and say I love you

Comment by Barzan yesterday

Don, please think of what your wife would have wanted for you.  My husband told me while in hospice that he had  the most wonderful 32 years with me and I should also be happy for the time we had and not sad for time we won't.  I'm sure she would have felt the same way.  Please make sure you don't miss your appointment and please seek out a bereavement support group asap.  You should not be alone right now.  Can you have a family member stay with you for a few weeks?  If that's not possible, please keep writing to us here.  We are all here for you.  


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