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Born in the 50s

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Members: 726
Latest Activity: 19 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Buying A House

Started by Tekwriter. Last reply by shelley Sep 15. 10 Replies

Anyone experiencing loneliness?

Started by bblue5. Last reply by bblue5 Sep 13. 6 Replies

Dating

Started by Mike. Last reply by Athena53 Aug 28. 19 Replies

Comment Wall

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Comment by chef (John) 19 hours ago

Riet,

It's OK to feel torn apart at five months, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I don't think it hurts to talk to your husband now--after seven years, I *still* talk to Judith, and probably will continue to do that until the day I die. 

You are fortunate to have the care and concern of those around you. Hugs from Cleveland.

Comment by Barzan yesterday

Dear Riet,  I'm trying to think back to my 5 month anniversary of husband's  passing and all I can remember is feeling so lost.  I was still working then and poured myself into it to just keep my mind from feeling.  Best way I can explain is like a rope being pulled so tight it starts fraying little by little.  I talked to my husband and still do at times and there is nothing wrong with doing that.  He's in my hearts always and I hope somehow he hears me.  I tried to journal but the tears got in the way so I stopped.  

Our lives are a big storm and we just have to ride it out.  It's good that you have neighbors visiting you as well as family.  Sounds like they care a lot for you and give you needed support.  I send you hugs across the ocean.  

Suzan

Comment by riet yesterday

It is just over 5 months my husband died.  It is hurting more and more every day.  After a glorious summer here in Belgium, Autumn arrived yesterday with all its force, wind and heavy rain. I am obliged to stay inside.

Being outside helped to feel better. Visitors still come and help a lot.  Just after noon this Sunday, I already got 3 visiting neighbors . One after another. Reminding me of this or that. Drinking some coffee together. Arranging for me whatever I want, forcing me to go out.  Now my son has come to join me for dinner. My grandchildren kept me company on their free day from school.

And still... I feel torn apart.  I just need him so much. I keep looking at his photos. I try to talk to him, but he is gone.

I am very grateful for everyone's support and help. What would I be without them?  And besides that, this forum is a real healer.  

Comment by Terri BillsWidow35 on Friday

I really get these stories.  It has been 7 yrs as of  9/18/18.  I still miss him with all my heart.  And I have not written at all for a few yrs.  It really doesn't seem so long ago.  Although if I think where I am now, I have been healing.  And have been a comfort to many good friends who also lost their husbands in there 60's and mostly quick and unexpected.  Especially now, two good friends lost their young 65 & 63 yr old husbands, 8/26/18 & 8/30/18.  I miss their hubbys too.  And I am very sad knowing they have a difficult road ahead.  Also knowing we all will grieve differently.  But they too will go through so much we all have in common, like the WE to ME.  Of course I was reminded at this time, very vividly my husbands passing. I have learned all deaths seemed to bring back memories of those we loved and lost.  I have lost so many family in the last two years and mom and brother more years ago.  Now that I lost so many, I'm reminded how grateful I was to have so many good people I have know in my life.

I was unable to retire until 2 years ago.  Similar uncompassionate supervisor and stressful work.  It was the best thing I did, even though I am not rich in $$, but rich in spirit.  I feel bad we didn't get any retirement time together.  Before I retired I called the Soc Sec office and found I could be eligible to collect 70% percent of his Social Security before the age of 62 yrs.  with that  I could mange financially at the age of 60.  Everyone 's  situation can be different and online says very little.  Call Soc Sec to get more information and make an appointment.

much understanding and compassion to all in their loses!  

Mrs. Terri

Comment by booktime (Susan) on September 17, 2018 at 4:10am

Thanks for all of the retirement stories! This feels right for me. I'll keep you posted!

Comment by Tekwriter on September 15, 2018 at 1:09pm

I am beginning to pack. I keep running across Gary's shirts and it is hard. I packed up His urn and Jack's box. I ended up crying most of the morning. I did not expect it to be so hard.

Comment by Barzan on September 13, 2018 at 6:24am

Hoping on the retirement wagon.  I retired 2 years after my husband passed.  My job, too, was very stressful.  I worked in the healthcare industry that took my to D.C. several times a year to deal with Congress on $$.  It was the catalyst to retirement.  I also took that position right after my husband passed because of our manager.  Two weeks after he passed, she told me get back to work and get over it.  The resentment was too much for me and when this position came up, I jumped on it.  I ran the compliance department single handed and so it took my mind of my grief for at least 8-9 hours a day.

My great health insurance took care of almost the entire cost of care for my husband through his battle with cancer and hospice.  Even though I had to endure such hatred from my manager, it was worth not having the burden of medical expenses to deal with after he passed.

I do love retirement.  I have close friends that I can do things with and they help immensely in not focusing on my grief.  it has been just over 7 years and I am doing better.  Having the freedom of travel, exercising when the gym isn't crowded, shopping when not the working people are doing it and the list goes on.  

My mom is in assisted living recovering from a stroke so that takes up some of my time but glad that I have the time to dedicate to her.  

Comment by riet on September 12, 2018 at 8:23am

Dear Susan and Bergen, thank you so much for your comments. I am really touched by your friendship. 

A lot of hugs to both of you.

Comment by NancyD on September 12, 2018 at 8:15am

I retired three years ago from a career as teacher and school administrator.  I had happy plans of all sorts of things I would be doing.  Turns out Fate had a different plan for me:  Out of the blue I developed severe back pain (ultimately had surgery) and then my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer.  When he died last September, I suddenly found myself feeling "retired" for the first time-having my health, time and freedom to create whatever daily life I wanted.  But the grief was so overwhelming I couldn't rally myself to do much of anything. The best thing I did was to volunteer to help teach reading in a first grade classroom two mornings a week.  It made me get up, get dressed, and got me out of the house to somewhere where folks---kids and adults--- were happy to see me and I felt like I was doing something valuable.  So grateful for those mornings.  This year, a (very) part-time job opportunity coaching new teachers came my way and I took it. I am really enjoying it! I had never anticipated "going back to work" once I retired.  So you never know.  

I do have lots of time to myself and I am finding lots to do:  I spend time with my children and grandchildren, I do art projects and take classes, I putter around the house doing all sorts of things that were put off the last few years, I read, I take small trips, I go to lunch with friends.  One of the most challenging parts of retirement (and widowhood) for me has been figuring out how to manage my finances.  I am fortunate that I have enough but oh! do I ever wish that Frank were here to advise me!  I find it very intimidating and overwhelming to make financial decisions. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on September 12, 2018 at 7:20am

@Susan:  I could have written CarLady's post, except that I retired January 31, my husband passed away 5 years ago NEXT month, and my manager was AWFUL during my husband's illness and death.  But like her company, my employer also went through a lot of management and process changes, and the whole environment changed...not for the better.  I had reached burnout, so I quit.  This may mean that I have no health insurance for 11 months between the time my COBRA runs out and Medicare kicks in, but I have not regretted it for a minute.  It's funny how many of us left because of corporate toxicity.

7 months into retirement, I really enjoy this new life.  I miss the social part of work, but often that interfered with my ability to concentrate.  And of course it was nice to get a paycheck every two weeks instead of tapping the money I'd saved for so long. 

But like Tess, I had long thought that if it is ever ME on that table being told I have cancer, I don't want to have to think that working for a bunch of managers who are only interested in their own careers was how I spent my time.  It's bad enough that I spent the last five years of my husband's life neglecting him emotionally because of how stressful my job was.  On the other hand, that job allowed him to have the best care without bankrupting us financially, because it came with very good insurance.

I spend too much time on the computer now, I will admit.  But I socialize more, I'm able to go to hear live music on a Sunday night or a weeknight, I joined a wellness center and go for workouts, tai chi classes, and I'm considering trying bhangra dance workouts.  We have Osher learning classes here because we have two major universities (I highly recommend looking into this).  

Then there's the flexibility -- I can easily schedule medical appointments.  I can get my hair cut in the middle of a weekday.  We don't realize how much we work our weekends around grocery shopping and dentists and errands and such.

So what I would say is if you can afford it, go for it!!

 

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