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Comment by shell 15 hours ago

Hi all I am coming up on 5 months and it does feel like a time warp or maybe more like the Twilight zone and I'm just waiting for the episode to end so I can get back to my old life. But you are right Christa there is no escape from this and figuring out moment to moment how to move can be draining. I have one of my granddaughters magnetic letters on my fridge its just the "Y" surrounded by pictures of her Poppy. I know I should take it down but can't bring myself to do it yet because the Big question I am still dealing with is Y? The same question I have when I read about the losses of all of your loved ones. Finding faith is fleeting sometimes.. Hugs to you all Shell

Comment by christa on May 12, 2013 at 11:39am

Hi Dyinginside, I think you are right, people who haven't experienced this kind of loss do not want to hear about it. My feeling is they are very threatened by the idea of the reality of death and don't want to know anything about it. But we as widows and widowers cannot escape it and it puts us in a very lonely as well as grieving position many times. I am so sorry you lost your husband after such a long struggle. I lost my husband at the end of 2010 and life has become more bearable. It is still a struggle and lonely, but the devastation has gotten a lot better. I hope you go to Gilda's club or Hospersus for support. (Thats what I ended up finding about a year and 1/2 into the widowhood). It hard to organize a support group for yourself among friends because they simply don't get it. I guess some good advice I got was to just go with the crying  and accept it. It was not something i felt comfortable with, but you just have to, its part of this whole experience and it will end. Anyway, glad you found this place and hope it will help support you through this hard hard time.

Comment by LifesAJourney on May 11, 2013 at 10:03pm

Hi DyingInside,  I am very sorry for your loss. Sorry to be meeting under these circumstances. I lost my husband almost four years ago (July '09) and I still my moments. It is hard for people that haven't encountered a loss, especially that of a spouse to know what we are going through. Grief doesn't have a time limit and that is hard for people to get.  We "get" it here... Take care.

Comment by DyingInside on May 11, 2013 at 8:42am

Hi all.  I'm 2 1/2 months into this nightmare.  Although I new it was coming as my husband fought for almost 5 years, I still can't believe he is gone.  Funny how I talked alot about what we were going through before he passed and now I rarely say a word.  I guess I feel people don't want to hear it or they think I should feel better by now.  Anyway, I'm glad to find a place where people understand and share the same emotions I do. 

Comment by CindyK on May 1, 2013 at 5:52pm

I'm 9 months into this, which is hard to believe.  Actually will be 10 months in a few weeks.   My husband was older than me, so I knew the odds were good I'd spend a fair amount of time alone as a widow.  I didn't expect it to happen when I was 51.  Tanzwife, I agree with you that a time warp is what it feels like. Where do the months go?  Those of you that have lost so recently probably won't believe this, but one day you'll wake up and say , how can it be 3 months, 6 months, etc.  It still feels like yesterday.  But I have to say, that 9, almost 10 months into the grief process, I am finally physically feeling better.  I still cry a fair amount, but not those soul and body wrenching sobs that I'm sure you have all experienced, as often.  Still happen, but not every day anymore.  Tears still happen a lot.  Just this week, I've recognized that I have to figure out a way to go on living, even though I don't want to, because I promised him I would be okay.  And how can I give up on my last promise to him?  So hang in there, everyone.  Together we will get through this.

Comment by LifesAJourney on April 30, 2013 at 9:31pm

Hi Tanzwife,

I am sorry we are meeting under these circumstances. I am glad you have found your way here.  Hopefully the information here and the people you will encounter will help to provide support in this very confusing and difficult time.

Unfortunately we all have been dealt hands that don't allow us many choices but to try to do the very best we can.  Take care.

Comment by Tanzwife on April 30, 2013 at 11:08am

WidowMom , LifesAJourney and everyone - I am 4 months (on 12/28/12) into this nightmare, your words could be mine. I can't help feeling that I'm in a time warp...but like you said, it's best to take it one day at a time. And for those who move on, it's most likely that its too much for them to deal with in their lives, they'd don't want to confront the possibilities of life. We're facing it because we don't have a choice. 

Hugs to you all.

Comment by LifesAJourney on April 27, 2013 at 10:16am

Widow+Mom,  You are asking the same question, I've asked for years now.  What now? It has almost been four years (July)since I lost my husband to a car accident. I know that I have made progress in many areas of my life and in others, not so much. Many of our friends have moved on with their lives and don't reach out anymore.  I was surprised at how many stopped within weeks/months of his accident. I quickly learned that the secondary losses were as painful as losing Chris. It made me resentful in addition to being sad but it is all apart of the healing process.

I can't imagine people expecting anyone to move on after only 7 weeks. This is a journey and there isn't a finish line unfortunately.  We all move at our pace.

I lost my husband at 46 and didn't envision living the rest of my life alone. It is a daunting place to be but for now until I can find my life again, and I will, I am just taking it one step at a time and learning to lean on those that continue to be there for me.  The numbers are small but you learn quickly who your real friends are.  Take care of yourself and know you're taking steps in the right direction. Take care!

Comment by LifesAJourney on April 27, 2013 at 10:03am

HI LadyDi, I am so sorry for your loss. The fact that you are reaching out for help at the 3 week mark is a testament to your strength whether you realize that now or not.  I found comfort and wonderful support through the Griefshare organization as well.  I highly recommend the program. I actually went through the program twice as I was only at the six week mark when I began with the group. I was still in a fog and much of what we discussed in the beginning was lost on me at first.  But what it do, was get me out of my home and forced me to pull myself together and engage with others. It seems wrong to describe it as comforting because everyone was in so much pain, but it was, comforting that is.  It was a safe haven where you could talk, cry and even laugh eventually without feeling guilty or concerned that you were being judged.  

You will get through this! It may not always feel that way, but you will.  Break it down into small increments, an hour, a day, a week.  It won't be easy by any stretch but keep the faith and know that you have many people here that you can reach out to. 

Be well.

Comment by Widow+Mom (Kelly) on April 26, 2013 at 11:11pm

Hi Teresa! Nice meeting you. Thanks for the ideas. My 2 golden retrievers are really good listeners and love to go to the dog parks. It is a good way to meet others and now that the rain has lifted a lot mor doable. My grief group was only 5 women who had all lost their husbands within the last year and 3 of us were close to the same age. I had actually meant one of them in them in the ICU during our husbands illnesses. We've connected and meet every month for dinner. I also have 2 daughters. One is out of the home and the other is homebound at 19 due to chronic illness. It's been particularly hard on her because her support system is even smaller i than mine. We've got each other but I am so glad to have found this site! There are so many things I want and need to talk about that aren't appropriate to share with my daughter. Thanks again for reaching out! It is much appreciated. Breathing. Good idea! :-)

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