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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Born in the 60s

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Members: 816
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

Finding Hope

Started by Weemunk. Last reply by laurajay May 23. 6 Replies

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 2 1/2 years out and these dates still sting. The last 4 months I have noticed a shift in my grief. I have moved from a space of feeling stuck and hopeless into a space…Continue

This hurts so bad

Started by CatCo. Last reply by SewCraftiMT May 20. 9 Replies

Just lost my husband 2 days ago. May 16, 2020. It happened so fast. Diagnosed with a brain tumor in April. Gone a month later. The pain, brain fog, confusion...it is all so overwhelming. I want to go…Continue

No one I know is a widow

Started by Anne. Last reply by CatCo May 19. 32 Replies

I lost my husband Dan on April 1st to aggressive metastatic cancer. No one in my age group (in my late 50’s) is a widow/widower. No one comprehends my new world. My needs are different than being…Continue

Dating Again for those Born in the 60s

Started by Mary H. Last reply by CatCo May 19. 282 Replies

We can all understand the heartbreak others feel on losing their spouse, regardless of their age.  We know that the youngest, still overcome by the overwhelming rush of new love, feel keenly cheated…Continue

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Comment by Doug02122014 on May 18, 2020 at 1:55pm

CatCo,

I'm sorry for your loss. 

I lost my 1st wife Darlene back on 2-12-2014, to a long-term illness with no cure.   While the type of loss we suffer(ed) is different,  the pain is all too real.  About a month after joining this group (the best on the web) I virtually met another lady who lost her husband to brain cancer.  

This group is the reason I'm here today and able to give back to those who are new to this journey they didn't ask to go on.  You're going to go through many different emotions and experiences and the best advice I can give is to seek refuge on Widville and post whatever is on your mind.   The next best advice I can give is to find a local grief support group preferably one with just widowed people in it but I settled for a local grief support group of grieving adults. 

Take care. 

Doug 

Comment by CatCo on May 18, 2020 at 1:27pm

Just lost my husband 2 days ago. May 16, 2020. It happened so fast. Diagnosed with a brain tumor in April. Gone a month later. The pain, brain fog, confusion...it is all so overwhelming. I want to go back to 2 weeks ago. I want to crawl up in a hole and never come out. 

Nearly 25 perfect years gone in a split second. I know each of you feels this..It is so unfair. 

I hate my father in law, who was diagnosed with cancer around the same time my husband showed symptoms. He is still alive, getting better day by day. My husband, his son, is gone in an instant.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Comment by Estragon on May 16, 2020 at 12:03pm

Hi Daisy.  For some reason, my brain fog seems to have lifted in the last few days.  I don't know if, when, or to what extent the fog will come back, so I've been spending a lot of time devouring articles, blogs, books, etc., on the hunger thing, and this widow/er thing generally.  I'm the type who needs to understand a problem in depth.  Whether I can actually do much to solve it, I find it helps to at least understand the problem.

Some of the articles on the hunger thing do seem to suggest a sexual element, but my guess is they're really two separate things.  My daughter does understand and has been forthcoming with virus back-hugs, which helps.  The sex thing will happen in its own time, or not.

I've pretty much arrived at the conclusion that I'm at a fork in the road with two choices.  One is to join my late wife in the cemetery.  The other is to move forward to whatever awaits, including being open to a new, close relationship.   Having seriously considered the first path and ruled it out, that leaves the second.  Carrying on in this messed up state of grief isn't an option for me.  Even if science could produce an exact clone of my late wife, it couldn't replace her.  We shared most of our lives together, through all the ups and downs.  That is now immutable history.  Nothing can or should replace that.  My plan is to use this relatively lucid time to learn from others what potential landmines await in following my intended path.  

I owned a dog  ~35 years ago in a remote northern town.  She got distemper, and I had to put her down (with a shotgun - no vets in town) which haunts me still.  I've had cats most of my life, and am currently cat-sitting my daughters cat.  I'm also allergic, but I like the cat more than I dislike the itchy eyes etc.  I've considered a message.  Never had one, but some of the reading I've done does suggest it might help.  The pro hugger thing kinda weirds me out.  I know it's a non-sexual thing, but it's a bit to close for comfort in my mind.  The skin lotion idea makes some sense.  My wife left a bunch of lotions, potions, and creams behind.  Might as well use some. 

Comment by Daisy on May 15, 2020 at 12:15pm

Estragon on Tuesday regarding "touch hunger". There are articles written regarding touch hunger that you can look up and send to family so that they understand that this is a medical need not some trumped up silly reason or excuse to see them. You can ware raincoats, gloves, and masks. Maybe it is not skin to skin contact but it is better than nothing right now. I bet you that if you have a nice dinner together and sit around a fire outdoors your family would welcome the interaction as well. You need to love yourself and learn to ask for things like this in a manner that allows others to want to help you with it and not feel weird about it.  I would encourage you to be bold and tell your kids that you really need a hug and some hand holding time. They just need someone to be bold and fearless and still practical.  If they know to expect this from you it will get easier for you to ask them to supply. 

You may have to ask a total stranger if you can pat them on the back, or elbow bump to get other human contact. Every little bit helps, and they may not have thought about it. Still with others you may have to get comfortable with a huge smile and a nod of the head depending on how well you know them. The main thing is that you are not taking it as rejection.  You need to stay positive.

Second, you need to find a good moisturizer and start applying it to your skin daily.  You forget that your skin is the largest organ you have as it covers your body from head to toe.  It may have been taken for granted and neglected for a long time but should be part of your regular hygiene routine.

Third get a good night’s sleep.  It is amazing how out of whack the rest of our body can appear to be if the brain is tired, stressed, and overwhelmed.

Fourth, if you have a dog that you can snuggle with or sleep with great.  If you don't you may consider getting an animal or volunteering at a shelter or asking a friend or family member to have some time each day with their pet.  I say dog because I am allergic to cats but whatever works for you.  This a great long term mental, emotional, and physical support as you go through your grieving process.  It gives you something else to think about, consider, and focus on other than yourself.  When things get back to normal where you can go out to a restaurant and socialize again make sure to start getting back out there. The longer you self-isolate the hard it will be to get back out there.

I highly recommend you schedule yourself a head to toe message with a professional.  This is amazing and will help in ways I cannot even begin to explain here.

There is a company out there that employs people to come cuddle/hold you in a nonsexual way as part of touch therapy.  I have not used them, but I have been tempted too.  Just know they exist, and it is an option.

My very last note.  Get used to pleasuring yourself sexually when you absolutely necessary, but work on starving that side of you.  Starving is extremely hard but yields the best long-term results because you stop craving what you no longer have and thus stop being reminded of what you no longer have.  It frees you up to concentrate on other aspects of your grieving/healing process that are more important.  Most widows and widowers are not ready to move on immediately after anyway.  There is no replacing their former spouse. It also prevents you from having to deal with a whole host of issues that would only distract and delay the healing process in the long run. It is like riding a bike.  You will never forget how to do it.  It is not a matter of if it works any more.  So, don’t get sucked into such nonsense.

Comment by Estragon on May 14, 2020 at 12:02pm

MB01 - Oh no.  I can't imagine losing a pet on top of everything else.  I can't touch any other people, so the cat gets extra pets.  He seems to be liking it, and it's comfort to me.  He's not much of a conversationalist but there is definitely communication and affection with another living thing.

I don't think I could be at the cabin with someone I couldn't break down in front of right now.  I hope the BIL is a support, and your day goes well.

Comment by MB01 on May 14, 2020 at 1:54am

Well today is my 37th anniversary, the first without him.  And to top it off, I was walking our dog yesterday and he stopped in the trails, and must have had a bit of a seizure as he fell over and laid there for several minutes before he took his last breath.  That was so unexpected.

My house has never been so quiet.  I will go to the camp today where my hubby loved.  His brother in law is there and we will have a couple of 'shots' in Craig's honor.  I hope I don't break down in front of my brother in law but after yesterday and already this morning, I hope there are no tears left to fall.  

Doing my best to honor our love today.

Comment by Estragon on May 12, 2020 at 5:06am

I started a thread on "touch hunger" in the widowed in 2020 group.  My kids are adults and it's really hard not being able to give them a proper hug, let alone hug my late wife.

Comment by Oskar Ruettiger on May 12, 2020 at 4:41am

Hi Weemunk, you are not alone.  This is the worse time to experience a loss or feel grief. My wife died 6 weeks ago after being married 23 years. I stepped out of my comfort zone to join this group, web site, and I do feel somewhat better, even if only in digital conversation. I know it's not the same as being in person or surrounded by loved ones or having the person you lost by your side again, but we are here for each other to help.  I am told it will get better, so I have to try to be optimistic about it. My biggest fear is being alone when the children are grown up.  We are here for you.

Comment by Weemunk on May 12, 2020 at 4:07am

This quarantine has been hard to navigate alone. I am missing my late husband more than usual. The loneliness can be I overwhelming at times. I try to walk and get outside. I have been connecting with friends and working on my grief podcast but nothing compares to having him here by my side. 

Comment by Estragon on May 12, 2020 at 3:07am

Hi MB01.  Sorry you had a reason to find this group.  My woulda-been 39th anniversary is coming up later in May.  She died in late Jan.  Last year we had a lovely quiet day together at our remote cabin.  This year, I don't know what to do.  Maybe being at the cabin I'll just remember the good times there.  OTOH, maybe being there on my own isn't a great idea.  I dunno.  Anyway, I hope your day goes well.

 

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