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Born in the 60s

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Members: 670
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

Dating Again for those Born in the 60s

Started by Mary H. Last reply by KMA2106 on Thursday. 95 Replies

We can all understand the heartbreak others feel on losing their spouse, regardless of their age.  We know that the youngest, still overcome by the overwhelming rush of new love, feel keenly cheated…Continue

Learning to do the things that my Husband always took care of

Started by HillbillyWitchDr. Last reply by happylilycat May 17. 9 Replies

It has been nearly two years since my Husband died suddenly, and I find myself putting off doing simple things that I need to take care of. There are so many things, like going through his model…Continue

Moved this weekend

Started by Therese. Last reply by sus Mar 20. 12 Replies

Moved into a 420 foot apartment this weekend. I have mixed emotions on this to say the least. If anyone were to congratulate me or even try to console me I think I might bite their head off. I never…Continue

Brain fog?

Started by Liss. Last reply by Nance63 Mar 18. 11 Replies

At 56, my brain has enough mileage to wear off some of the tread, even before the loss of my husband this August. After his death, though, I find it so much harder to remember details, make decisions…Continue

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Comment by StarRover (Debbie) yesterday

Adoption1964, It has been nearly two years since I lost my husband of over 22 years. I still cry all the time, usually over little things, sometimes stupid things. Things like at the grocery store - "I used to buy this for my husband but since he is dead and I don't like it, I'll never buy it again." - and the water works start. 
 This is just my opinion but I think the ones who "get over it" quickly and easily are the ones who didn't experience the intense love we felt, both for and from our spouses. I also think that all of us on this website did know that intense love, because otherwise we wouldn't feel the need (or at least the urge)  to keep coming here even after a few years, so we all absolutely understand what you are going through. Each of us is carrying on in the only way we know how, and you have to carry on in the only way you know how. Everything you are feeling is perfectly fine for your own way. All of us here have all been hurt to the very core of our beings, and if crying is a good way to express your feelings, that's a good thing. We cry for ourselves, not for what anyone else thinks. Those who can't accept we are still crying, no matter how long it has been, are those who shouldn't play a very big part in our lives. 
Another way to look at it is if someone doesn't like it when you cry, they are only looking to make themselves more comfortable with the situation at hand. Why shouldn't you have the same right to do that? If crying helps you more than holding it in, go for it! No matter WHO doesn't like it! Your feelings count as much as anyone elses! 

Comment by IBelieveInYou on Friday

Hi b2, Thank you for your words. Here is a collection that I believe can be attributed to the Buddha. I remind myself each day of what I have and what I have had. My wife was part of me then and she is a part of me now. Of course, I miss her terribly and I cry each day. 

“Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds.”

“Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”

“Everything is changeable, everything appears and disappears. There is no blissful peace until one passes beyond the agony of life and death.”

“Thus shall you think of this fleeting world:
A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream,
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream.”

_

Great is the matter of birth and death.

All is impermanent, quickly passing.

Awake! Awake! each one,

Don’t waste this life.”

"Life and death are the same thing. When we realize this fact, we have no fear of death anymore, nor actual difficulty in our life."

“Thinking that you’d like to go on living for a long time will make you suffer. But thinking you’d like to die right away or die very quickly isn’t right either. It’s suffering, isn’t it? Conditions don’t belong to us, they follow their own natural laws. You can’t do anything about the way the body is.”

 

Comment by Terry on Friday
Nickdanny...you may not realize it yet but you don't have to hope that at some point you will post something that will help someone. The fact that you just posted is helping others who are new to this whole thing. It has now been almost 32 months for me and find that reading others' posts either by someone farther along or just newly bereaved never fails to give me something to think about. The posts may serve to remind me of how far I have come or suggest an idea that I can try on those particularly difficult days. Yes,sadly even after this much time they still come but if I didn't feel the feelings I wouldn't be alive.
Comment by Nickdanny on Friday

I have been widowed going on 4 months and like all of you it has been a struggle. Nothing or no one seems to fill that void. I have two teenage kids and I try very hard to show them a brave face but sometimes they can see through my fake bravery. What gives me comfort right now is having people like you to share my grief with. I believe that everyone here knows exactly how I feel and I do not need to explain myself. I am going to keep reading all of your comments and hopefully one day I will be able to offer words of comfort to someone in this group. Thank you for being there.

Comment by b2 on Friday

ibelieveinyou- i widowed 14 moths ago my husband said the same thing to marry not to stay alone once he is gone. At first that was just out of the question especially since I was also caring for my mother at the same time. My mom passed away 3 weeks ago and at times i am surprised at my self. if my husband was around i would be leaning on his shoulders in tears. Since he is no longer around i find that i am stronger than i anticipated. i wonder if its my husband that is holding me up. he was my tower of strength My husband and i liked reading books on Buddhism . Is there a particular reading  of Buddhist writings that talk about letting go as it relates to attachments that you feel possibly helped you emotional. i find that some writings regardless of denomination can be comforting, refreshing and logical. I sure do miss my husband. I am trying to move on as they say but my heart is not in it. especially since i just buried my mother. 

anyone have some words of wisdom out there. I am 53 and feel i should be a tower of strength but i don't feel that way. From time to time I look out to my surroundings and think--no husband no parents no children and  no siblings. Now i have an idea of how my husband felt before he passed away. It is a pretty lonely feeling.. i am thankful for being able to hold and kiss his hand when he gave his last breath. A life altering moment. 

Comment by adoption1964 on Thursday

Thank you for the responses, this is quite comforting.  I can relate and have done many of the things you speak about here.  I have a therapist now been 4 times I think, cried 3 of the 4 the whole time.  She  is looking at me telling me it is ok, my head says no it's not.  Why am I crying.  then it dawned on me I lost my beloved husband on May 2, 2017 after 15 years of marriage.  He was truly my soulmate.

Comment by Nieta on Thursday

Dear adoption1964,

Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss.  I lost my husband over 3 1/2 years ago and, while I am now able to function and cope better, it was not an easy road to get to the current part of my journey.

I vividly remember crying quite a lot.  I'd walk about 1 1/2 hours over a bridge to and from work that first year because I figured that no one would pay much attention to me and, it was a physical distraction for me.  I also remember each step, breath and glance feeling as if I was taking a bullet with each and everyone.  Everything reminded me that he was physically gone and not coming back.  In short, I was utterly destroyed to my very core.

I could not do enough things fast enough and a couple of neighbors once commented that I seemed manic, as if I was trying to run away from something.  I was actually hoping to get as much into my life in an effort to run "to" my husband.  There were also times at work when someone saw me starting to tear up and, before they could ask me anything, I put up my hand, shook my head and ran past them as I ran to lock myself into the handicap bathroom to burst into tears.  I spoke to a priest and I went into therapy for the first time in my life and each time I went into what happened, I'd start crying and could not stop. 

The first year was absolutely awful and, in some ways, the second was worse.  I had taken a short leave from job at one point and when I returned, one of my colleagues asked if I was okay now.  No, I was not okay - this is not something I will ever "get over."  That being said, it is something I have learned to cope with so that I can function.  Some days are better than others and some days can still be awful. 

This is a journey with no map or instructions.  Hence, there is no normal.  While there can be similarities, each experience is unique to the individual.  You are not weak - you are grief-stricken and tears and pain are the price of love.  It can be both a physical and emotional pain at the same time.  There are healing individuals out there that will let you cry and talk to your hearts content.  They are not always easy to find but they exist.

This site has been a sanctuary for me.  Sometimes I just read posts for comfort because it is easier to relate to people who "get it."

Wishing you peace of mind, courage and strength as you travel your journey.

Comment by KMA2106 on Thursday
Adoption1964....it's 18 months(wow, I can't believe I'm saying that)...I was crying in my car today...I actually don't care what other people think...I don't believe there is a right way or wrong way to grieve..I invite anyone who wants to judge me to walk it in my shoes...it sucks. I'm doing it but it's hard emotionally. Time does not necessarily make it easier, it just makes it different. Please go ahead and cry. It's truly ok . Take care of yourself. I too worry what others think..."am I doing this right? Is it ok that I've gone on a date? That I don't want to be a third wheel in my kids marriages?..am I going to be that women that came to all the functions with my kids? ". Then I realize I have to take care of me first..if I want to ball up in the corner and cry I will do so, if I want to go on a date and laugh, I will do so.I'm nobody's priority, my parents are gone, my best friend is gone. I am making myself my priority.
Comment by IBelieveInYou on Thursday

Dear adoption1964,

Generational generalizations are just that, generalizations! You are not a generalization, you are an individual. In a few days, the second year anniversary of my beloved wife's death will be here. You are only 6 months out. When I was there, I cried all the time. I still cry everyday for the loss of my wife. The person I was no longer exists so I'm discovering who I am - without my life's partner. Crying makes some uncomfortable but it doesn't matter. Let the tears flow. As you say, being widowed is very hard. Find a few friends with whom you can cry. I have one adult friend like this. We get together once a month and I cry and cry. From what you write, you don't sound like you are out of control;  you are in pain. It's okay to be weak! You will find strength. Give yourself time. Ask for the help you need. I will be thinking of you today and wishing you well.

Comment by adoption1964 on Thursday

A question for those here in this group.  We were all born in the 60's; it is my understanding this generation really didn't show a lot of emotion ie: we don't cry in front of people.  Is this a misconception on my part.  I lost my husband this year and I cry all the time.  I am going into my 6th month of forced widowhood and I am accepting some but not everything.  Being a widow is so hard, but what I am finding is crying and showing emotion about the loss is so uncomfortable to me and to others.  I feel out of control and weak which doesn't help, then crying over the smallest things in public doesn't help.  Is this normal?

 

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