We can all understand the heartbreak others feel on losing their spouse, regardless of their age. We know that the youngest, still overcome by the overwhelming rush of new love, feel keenly cheated of all the years they might have had, and the oldest feel as every year was a journey which brought them even closer together, they feel as if they had become a single soul. Those of us widowed in mid-life can find ourselves awkwardly in between, uncertain where to turn, uncertain of how to go on. The choice to look for a new love can be especially traumatic in mid-life because we spent so many years in the worlds we created with our partners, and yet there are so many years left ahead. Some of us have still got it going on, and some of us may have gotten so “comfortable” in our marriages that we find ourselves unwilling to face the rejection we suspect we might find out in the dating world. Whatever your story is, and whatever your choice is, you can help others by sharing it here.
You sound so much like me.
24 years with Angie, my best friend and soul mate. The last 4 years were with her battling Breast Cancer, a battle she lost in 2014.
I was so lost without her, our lives were about each other and our sons. We had friends we would have dinner with. Angie had her girlfriends she would go to a jewelry party with. But for me it wasn't like that. The friends I truly enjoyed spending time with had moved away years earlier. So I started dating a few months after her death just to have some companionship. I had one relationship that lasted 8 months. It was strong in every way, except for she ended up having issues that I did not want to expose my youngest to.
Since then, I have been torn about dating. Although I enjoyed my time in the relationship it was different than my marriage and helped me to realize that what I had was a blessing from God and something I will never replicate. I have met quite a few ladies for drinks, but no one really trips my trigger, because I keep looking for Angie and Angie is gone.
Like you, I see how much different it is this time. I have had a family, I fell in love and yes manscaping did not exist. I am no longer looking for that perfect figure (in fact curviness is pretty sexy now), I am having to make sure there is no STDs involved and I have to make sure they are not crazy because they have been so burned from a bad divorce (Why guys treat their ladies the way they do is beyond me). So as a result, meeting someone new has lost it's allure.
So now I am working it a new way. I am still looking for a new best friend. I don't know that I want to ever get married again. But to have that companion I can rely upon that I can love and help would be great. If we fall head over heals, I am all for it. But for the most part if I meet someone, I am going to man up and tell them if that spark is not there after we meet. I am tired of dealing with ghosting, women who are obsessive over me, baggage from divorces etc. This should be a fun time for me. I am doing this for me and I want the rest of my life for me.
Sorry, I feel like I am rambling, but I just wanted to say I understand everything you are feeling, because it is me.
wow RT66062, you could not explain it better. I adored my husband and when he was gone I was looking for companionship. We were empty nesters and had our first grandbaby. My girls had trouble understanding how I could want to date, I had to gently tell them they were suffocating me -I know I am very fortunate to have a wonderful caring family but I still needed my alone time, I couldn't breathe and I'm not in my 20s / 30s so I don't want to go out every night or be around a group of people all the time. I had to explain how I missed my best friend, I missed a shoulder to rub next to mine, someone to just talk with and laugh with. I have gone on a few dates, I have noticed that I tend to go towards the widows, they accept me talking about my husband. Divorced men seem to shy away from it and they tend to have a lot of baggage. I tell everyone upfront that I am happy to be drama free and I like it that way. I am managing fine on my own and have learned to do the plumbing, gutter cleaning, staining the deck and all the "manly" duties but- I want a best friend and if it leads somewhere then so be it. (and the body no longer matters, just keep up with me). I still love and adore my husband of 33 years but he has been called to Heaven so now I need to find what God's plans are for me. I still have so much to give and I know that I am at my best with others when I happy and have that best friend / confidant. My marriage can not be replace but I would like to see if I get it again, the best friend who you always enjoy being with, but can be away from each other on the occassion. The person you pillow talk your day with, the person who just knows you and loves you anyway. I have learned that I can not replace Ralph, but I can try to find someone to make me laugh again and give me a purpose to come home. Cindy
It's only been 3 months for me - way to early to think about dating but I sure do miss the companionship. And I sure could use an hour long hug. Not so convinced that men can do companionship without anything else so just going to try to learn to be content with loneliness. Have lots of friends and family, but it doesn't seem to help too much yet.
I'm new to this site, but really like what I am reading. It's like someone is reading my mind! I lost the love of my life in 2010. I know, it's been a while, but my son was 6 at the time and we owned our own business together. I guess I let my conscience guide me and went for raising my son and trying to keep business afloat. So far, so good. Son is great, business has its ups and downs, but lets me be their for my son.
I have dated both divorced and widowed, definitely see a difference. Widowers really want to go slow and obviously understand what I am going through. Divorced are fast movers, I am from the old school, I am a gentlemen and respect women. Now, I haven't had a date in about three years, just not really seeing much of interest. Always third wheel at sons school events, I tend to be more interested in work and just feel that my Donna was the one.
My son is totally open to me dating, but it would be a total package, if anything ever moved forward. Donna and I were very private and worked hard at our business, so no real friends to confide in, most people felt intimidated by our work ethic and our fast forward personalities. I am the quiet, introspective one, she was gorgeous and outgoing, worked great. Now I am all thee above and don't always mind, but usually ask, what would she do if she were here.
Would like to get out more, only no real connection to outside world, except through work and sons school. Any tips to get out and see how the other half lives again? Bless you all.
Hello, I have been a widow for two and a half years, and started being open to the idea of a new love about a year after my darling husband died. I first reconnected with someone from high school, mostly texting, a couple of phone calls. That was a humiliating disaster, and my feelings were hurt. Then I tried Match and went on four first dates. Not fun, very distracting. I made my profile invisible, and just kept looking for someone who looked right for me. I found him. I have been dating my new love for almost a year. He is wonderful, handsome, intelligent, funny. He is so kind to me and my kids. He makes me want to be a better person and face the future with hope.
That is fantastic, I guess when it is meant to be, it will happen. I thought about past people I knew in high school and college, but wasn't in to them back then either. I am on Christianmingle, had a few dates from there, still open to that. I am open to the the universe.
Hi - I haven't been on this site in YEARS and today a message that someone just posted on the Widowed in 2010 site popped up on my email. And then I thought I'd look around in this group of people born in the 60's that I also used to belong to and see what else is going on.
I saw this post and thought I'd share my experience. I did not have a single date in nearly 7 years. Never even came close. I went on Match and e-harmony and never even texted, emailed or met anyone. I finally decided that I didn't care anymore and stayed off those sites for a long time and then reconnected on Facebook with a guy my husband used to work with. I knew him, went to his wedding, his wife's funeral, so thought it would be good match. It lasted about a year before things went bad and I ended it. I realize that I overlooked at lot of the negative traits and characteristics about him from the beginning (smoked, drank too much, had no hobbies or interests at all, not in good health and doesn't care) because I was lonely and he was somewhat familiar, a friend. And the fact that he knew my husband for over 30 years was even better. The longer I stayed in the relationship, the more unhappy I got. And resentful. We had nothing in common except my deceased husband.
I have a friend who told me that she never thought it would work out with this guy, it's just that it had been so long since there was anyone who paid attention to me, cared about me, told me I am pretty, brought me flowers, wanted to be with me, etc. that I dove right into this one and was blind to all the negatives. My entire family saw all the signs too but just didn't say anything. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for someone who is perfect. But things like smoking and drinking too much are non-starters for me, or as they say on Match, a "no way". Yet I overlooked it. I put those aside for the companionship.
So the point of all this is, you're not alone out there in that you haven't met anyone. I decided perhaps I am trying too hard and have decided to join groups like hiking, photography, golf...things that interest me and maybe I will meet a nice person doing that. If you haven't heard of Meetup.com, check it out. Not a dating site, but a resource to find groups of people with shared interests. There are a few groups in my area whose membership is limited to singles, but their particular meet up doesn't interest me. but there are tons of MeetUp groups of all interests, hobbies, etc. all around the US.
I travel a lot for work, cover nearly half of the US and am hoping that maybe one day I will meet someone on the plane, or in a hotel bar or restaurant. I do know I am not going to worry about it anymore. It will happen if it is supposed to happen.
Hi Marine28, I know how you feel about dating, I met my husband through a friend we had a Blind Date in Jan 1994 I was living with my sister and her husband and 2 children at that time I was taking some College courses and I met some friends her name is Pam really nice lady her and her boyfriend at that time we were suppose to go out and double date some where but they could not make so it was just me and John you can call me Lisa. I look back at the good times we had i think about my husband a lot he had Congestive Heart Failure and Diabetes I have type 2 Diabetes, he was ill a year and a half also he was on Hospice almost 6 months he went on Hospice December 24, 2015 and passed away on June 12th 2016. Tomorrow it will be 19 teen months since John passed away, I know he would want me to be happy and our families too. I work for Walgreens so I am going to retire with them in and a half years I will be almost 60. Anyway, I better let you go for now, just wanted to add that I have also tried some dating sites but haven't had any luck you just don't know who you can trust anymore. Have a nice weekend P.S. we also have a 22 year old son my in-laws raised him for me and John they did a good job too, anyway hope you have a nice weekend. Your Friend, Lisa
There may be hope then! I will be widowed four years in March. I haven't dated, I halfheartedly tried Match and eharmony. I met my hubby on Match years ago. All I can say it is not the same site as it was back in the day. My problem is that I work from home full time, and I am an introvert as well. Not a great recipe for success lol.
On January 7th it was 3 years for me from the day that I lost my much loved husband suddenly. He was only 51 and I was 53, and as much as I loved him, I could not bear to imagine living the next 30 years alone. I had been very happily married. So I started this post wondering how other people my age who were no longer young, but still had a lot of time left, were dealing with this issue. I appreciate each and every perspective I have heard, it has been so helpful. For me, I have not had one single date in these 3 years. I did make a very brief entry into online dating and quit when I was pursued by widow-scammers, and I too have had an old boyfriend with emotional and substance abuse issues making a big try for a redo, and I did just narrowly escape getting pulled in. Each time just after something flared up with one of my kids (3 teenagers, 13 through 19 now) and I told myself its a good thing that I wasn't all wrapped up in some guy. I do think and hope that I will get out there again, and will find another partner someday, and that it will be better for my not having rushed to fill the void. I find myself more and more ready. My husband was an outstanding man, unique and irreplaceable, but one day I realized that those things which I would not be able to find again (the brilliant career, the perfect body, etc.) had not been the things which had made me love him so much, that the reason I loved him, fundamentally, was that he was so kind and compassionate and warm, and I realized that those things, i could find again in somebody else. That's how I know that I am getting ready to be out there again.