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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

We can all understand the heartbreak others feel on losing their spouse, regardless of their age.  We know that the youngest, still overcome by the overwhelming rush of new love, feel keenly cheated of all the years they might have had, and the oldest feel as every year was a journey which brought them even closer together, they feel as if they had become a single soul.  Those of us widowed in mid-life can find ourselves awkwardly in between, uncertain where to turn, uncertain of how to go on.  The choice to look for a new love can be especially traumatic in mid-life because we spent so many years in the worlds we created with our partners, and yet there are so many years left ahead.  Some of us have still got it going on, and some of us may have gotten so “comfortable” in our marriages that we find ourselves unwilling to face the rejection we suspect we might find out in the dating world.  Whatever your story is, and whatever your choice is, you can help others by sharing it here.

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It's been a while since I posted here, and I have some news.   I'm in a relationship!   We've been dating for a month or so and so far, so good.   It wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be, so maybe I was right to wait for the right person to come along.    She used to live near me when she was young, and probably went to the same elementary school as my wife and sister-in-law.   That started our conversation, and it hasn't ended so far.      We kissed for the first time on Valentine's Day and it felt right.   I'll  keep you guys posted on how it goes, but so far, so good.

Happy for you!

Steve!!  So pleased to hear your good news.

YAY!  Great News!  Thanks for sharing your news!

It's been three months since I've been on here.      A new record for me.     Overall, it looks like people are not using this website as much as it was several years ago when it was in its prime.      My relationship has gone kind of sideways.    We saw each other regularly until the end of March, and then she sold her house, moved in with her daughter and I've only seen her once since.     She keeps complaining she's not feeling well and puts off any plans or nights out.   Not sure what to think.      I'll probably stick with it until either she tells me its over or I just stop hearing from her.   Still, I'm glad I did it and maybe true love will have to wait again.

Hi all,  I've been reading your responses to Lupe's Husband.  I've been thinking on what I wanted to say.  I'm gonna be 4 years out from my husband's death soon.  It's a hard time of year.  I too have tried to do things on my own.  I went to a tennis tournament in charleston SC recently all by myself.  I did pretty good while I was busy playing tennis or watching the games,  but I found that going back to my cottage was harder than I thought it would be and eating dinner alone was miserable.  I am amazed at you guys who are traveling alone.  You're very brave!  I too  have tried to get on the dating websites, and every time I'm disappointed .  So I always end up canceling my subscription .  Plus the idea of letting another man into my life is frightening.  And sometimes I wonder , do I even have time for that.  I have 5 grandchildren and I'm very involved with them.  I have 5 horses to take care of , ride and train, and enjoy my farm.  I'm very busy , but still get lonely at night. I try to ride my horses or play tennis in the evenings.  I've also joined a book club.   I'm trying to figure out how to be at peace with being alone.  I too have become way more independent.  I think being widowed changes you deeply.  I've changed in big ways and even little bitty ways.  I wish I could just worry about one day at a time , but I still continue to be worried about my future.  I guess losing my husband has been so deeply hurtful and shocking, that now I'm afraid of what the future holds.  Hopefully nothing else bad will happen.  

I've signed up for some dating sites and I just find them daunting.    You really have to be committed to the process to find someone and I'm not just not that committed.     I know the former leader of our regional Soaring Spirits group actually quit the group because she wanted to devote her time to on line dating.    I'd just say continue to work on yourself and the grieving process.   Looks like you're pretty active, so you never know who you will meet in the course of your life.   You've made a lot of progress!

Hi Lupe's husband, it's good to hear an update from you, and, while your new relationship looks like it may not be "the" relationship, it sounds like you are doing well and that having that first post loss relationship was good for you.  Me, I am taking an intentional break from looking, losing weight (thank you Dr. Jason Fung, look him up on YouTube if you don't know about intermittent fasting yet), getting fitter, and trying to work on my emotional self.  My youngest just turned 15, so I'm in no hurry to make things more complicated for her.  I am just at the point where I am starting to wonder just what it is that keeps me from being able to enjoy myself if, say, I went up to the mountains or somewhere else alone.  Trying to love myself and be good company for myself until that point I jump back in.  Would love to hear from everyone, and hope you are all doing well.

Yes, this was my first romantic relationship since Lupe died, but I had dated maybe 10 women before this   One woman I dated for close to a year, but it never became romantic.   I think you have a pretty good plan for yourself.   I think you have to be comfortable with yourself before you can be with someone else.  I think I've become more independent since my wife passed.   I just paid for a trip to Italy in September.   It's a tour, but I'm going by myself.    I also want to go to the Olympics in Paris in 2024.   That will be my fourth Olympics I've been to.   I wish I could find someone to travel with, but no luck so far.  

Lupe's husband, as Mary H stated, it does sound like you are doing well!  September is a beautiful time to visit Italy...you are going to LOVE it!  I went with a Napa Valley Wine group in 09/2017...18 months after my Bob died.  A tour is a nice way to do it too, especially if you haven't been to that country. I did Portugal this past December solo (no tour group) and that was ok too.  I read something once about experiencing new environments forcing the creation of new brain connections.  I am not sure about that but I did come back from both trips with a lot less "widow brain fog"!  Thanks for sharing.  

Michele

Thanks,    I can use all the new brain connections that I can get.   My daughter is talking about a Portugal trip.   How did you like it?   I asked my neighbor who has been there and he just thought it was ok, sort of boring.    Of course, he might be looking for different things than you are or my daughter when he travels.  

"Different strokes for different folks."   I had not experienced a lot of international travel (too focused on career and marriage).  After our 1st European River Cruise, that was it...we were hooked!  Well, the unimaginable happened  so.....

I loved Portugal!  I picked  that country for 2 reasons.... first, it is safe (I was a single, elderly female traveling solo) and secondly, everyone speaks English!  I only stayed in 2 locales....Lisbon for 17 days and then the Algarve for 11 days.  I love my wine....the entirety of Portugal is growing regions for different types of grapes.  Everyone always hears about Ports but there are sooooo many more ;-)  I also am a huge foodie!  The fish is amazing!  The food everywhere is exquite!  Lots of day trips from Lisbon for history....I took couple of cooking classes with trips to farmers markets.  Refreshed some of my sailing skills by renting a sailboat and Capt. for a couple 1/2 days.  Rented a horse twice because I was missing mine.   Down in the Algarve, I was in a 5***** Spa so I didn't do the detox/ healthy thing other than to walk the beach 2X daily but I did get rubbed like a KOBE beef  (massaged) almost daily!  So... guess if nightlife/entertainment is what you are looking for...I don't think the South (Algarve ) is good.  That can be found in Lisbon...it is just not me!    

I am curious what your neighbor found boring.

Sorry for the long post.  I had fun.  I'm planning on returning for the holidays this year!   The most difficult thing for me was actually doing it!  I was terrified!  Honestly, I am anxious planning this years trip... Still feels weird to eat dinner alone! . Also, it is weird/sad that my friends and siblings seem to be discouraging me even more now.   It is ok.   I do know what you mean  though Lupe's husband...it can be extra special to have someone to travel with.

My tightest (HUGS) to all of us going though this unwanted time!

Michele

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