We can all understand the heartbreak others feel on losing their spouse, regardless of their age. We know that the youngest, still overcome by the overwhelming rush of new love, feel keenly cheated of all the years they might have had, and the oldest feel as every year was a journey which brought them even closer together, they feel as if they had become a single soul. Those of us widowed in mid-life can find ourselves awkwardly in between, uncertain where to turn, uncertain of how to go on. The choice to look for a new love can be especially traumatic in mid-life because we spent so many years in the worlds we created with our partners, and yet there are so many years left ahead. Some of us have still got it going on, and some of us may have gotten so “comfortable” in our marriages that we find ourselves unwilling to face the rejection we suspect we might find out in the dating world. Whatever your story is, and whatever your choice is, you can help others by sharing it here.
I, personally, am not interested in ever going through this again. It is just too painful. I am dating, and enjoying it, but not looking for another partner, Mike was my soul mate and that's where he will stay. It's been 2 1/2 years and I still have a lot of really bad days and miss him all of the time. I understand everyone feels differently but that's how I feel. I will date, but I doubt seriously if I find anyone who will be the partner Mike was. I'm not even planning on that.
If you don't mind my asking, how did you lose your husband Kathie? I've been wondering if those who went through long-term illness are more hesitant to get more seriously involved again.
No, my husband had a sudden massive heart attack. He had been in and out of the hospital for different things but no one expected it. His cardiologist was just in his heart, poking around to make sure it was okay about 2 months before and it was fine. It was diagnosed as a heart attack but the way he was acting that morning when I called 911, I'm thinking it might have been an embolism. Who knows, I'm just sad that he's not here anymore, and whatever they say it was will not bring him back :(
For me it's one of those things where I don't ever again want to be so close to someone that if they go away, it will ever hurt that bad. I lost my mom, my grandmother and my dad all within a year of each other (my mom had ALS and I took care of her until she died because she said she didn't want to die in a hospital, she was a nurse, she wanted to die at home) and dealing with that was easier than dealing with the death of my husband. My husband dying turned my world upside down and I never want to have that happen again. It's just me and my chicken s**t way of staying safe :)
My husband died suddenly too, and because I knew that what we had was special, I used to tell myself that if anything ever happened to him I would never date again. That was before I was staring 30 years alone in the face I guess.
:( I enjoy dating, but I make it clear that I'm not interested in a relationship. No one will ever take Mike's place. I just really still miss him a lot. I'm not the type to get close to people easily anyhow so this was an easy decision for me.
Dating would be wonderful... i just have no idea of how to go about it. I'm not looking for a marriage... Just a friend.
My husband was the only one I ever dated. ( High School sweethearts)
I hope you find another love though :)
My husband also died of a sudden, massive heart attack. The CPR, 911, the paramedics and the police swarming my home. Out on the stretcher and didn’t last 3 hours at the hospital. No warning. BAM. Had physical 6 weeks prior - no issues.
We were in our first year of retirement together. We had just started a new company and he had a book deal. We were retiring from our ‘careers’ but had BIG plans for our lives! We found a new home in NC just a month before.
I have nothing now..I have no direction, I have no friends, I have no hope.
Mrs. M. -- my husband too died suddenly of a massive heart attack in September 2016. Same thing, no warning. Just gone after 3 weeks in a coma and on life support. We had just become true empty nesters and were working our last 5-10 years before retirement. We spent a lot of time practicing sailing on our boat because we were going to do a ton of long haul sailing in the coming years, and like you had so many plans. We loved to spend the weekends sailing, talking, drinking wine and planning. We spent 28 years of our life working hard to build what we had and it feels like someone came in and just knocked it all down.
I can't imagine trying to rebuild with at this point. I also feel directionless, and realize that I get anxious and feeling hopeless if I try to plan my future much more than a month or so. So now I am trying to be OK with drifting, and just think about what I will do this day, this week and only sometimes this month. I have decided to just take it on faith that someday I will feel real joy again, and will have a new direction.
I will never date again. That is fine with me as I am still in love with my husband. I need socialization rather than isolation. Check your email...
Hi Mrs. M,
My wife died last November, under terrible circumstances and reading your thoughts,” struck” a cord with me. Especially when you mentioned being “directionless”. For me it feels as if I’m in limbo and to make matters worse. Two days ago my children and I came back from a well deserved holiday in the sun. It was our 1st holiday without my wife. I cried myself two sleep the 1st 4 nights there, without my children knowing. But this is our recovery journey and for me, not only do I feel cheated that my wife has died. I also feel cheated that the moment she passed, I was no longer married to the woman I loved with all my heart.
Like you I cannot plan too far in advance, I’ve “switched off” to people who think who know what best is for my children and I. Especially when they feel it’s time I date again. So good for you Mrs M, live your life as best you can.