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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

We can all understand the heartbreak others feel on losing their spouse, regardless of their age.  We know that the youngest, still overcome by the overwhelming rush of new love, feel keenly cheated of all the years they might have had, and the oldest feel as every year was a journey which brought them even closer together, they feel as if they had become a single soul.  Those of us widowed in mid-life can find ourselves awkwardly in between, uncertain where to turn, uncertain of how to go on.  The choice to look for a new love can be especially traumatic in mid-life because we spent so many years in the worlds we created with our partners, and yet there are so many years left ahead.  Some of us have still got it going on, and some of us may have gotten so “comfortable” in our marriages that we find ourselves unwilling to face the rejection we suspect we might find out in the dating world.  Whatever your story is, and whatever your choice is, you can help others by sharing it here.

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Very well said.  I have said the very same thing to a few friends who have expressed their concern.  I certainly do not want to get hurt but if I am surviving the worst pain I can imagine in losing the love of my life then I do feel like I can survive anything.  Wishing you the best and I do agree, if your husband was anything like my wife I know that they would be happy for us to find someone.  That comforts me enormously...I just wish my late wife could write my profile for me.  :)

Ive been reading this thread with great interest as I decided to begin dating again at the beginning of this year. I'm 48 with one daughter away at college and one who is a busy 16 year old. Most of the time it's just me and my dog. My husband died after a battle with brain cancer last May. He was originally diagnosed in 2004, but he was really sick for the last two years. I have grieved and grieved and grieved. Some before he passed, and even more after. At Christmas I was feeling pretty down about the future and my brother in law said he knew without a doubt that I would meet someone. I guess it was the nudge I needed... With the full knowledge, blessing, (and help) of my girls I put up my first dating profile on match. I told myself I wasn't looking for another marriage, just someone to go to dinner with, chat during the day, see a movie... and I am really, really lucky, because I found someone almost immediately. He is the complete opposite of my husband, but I think that's good. He has a great sense of humor and best of all he likes me just as I am! I'm no beauty queen, and I definitely could lose 15-20 pounds...but then so could a lot of people. I found a lot of the men my age wanted a thin, toned 30 year old triathlete (Did I mention they should also be fit and run marathons?!) If I'm running, something's bad is coming my way... I guess I just wanted to bring a bit of hope to those who are trying to meet someone. I'm so sorry for those who were scammed, but it's such a vulnerable time for us that I can totally understand how it can happen.

Wonderful story, thank you.

Well, I am back from the love scams seminar, and it wasn't exactly what I expected, as it was much more targeted to elder abuse and the man giving the talk, married for 38 years to the love of his life (that hurt to hear, and I have a why-me heavy heart right now) had never done online dating and didn't have any specific tips or warnings.  The major take away was that if you realize there are people out there actively looking for lonely or vulnerable victims to exploit, you will be better prepared to spot it.  He asked the crowd how many had been victims of love scams, and I'd say about 10% raised their hands, which is a lot.  He said he was impressed as most people who go through it keep quiet afterwards.  The only other take-aways, the scammer will say they have a lot of things in common with you and they will pour on the charm.  By the time they start asking for money, all of their "grooming" will often overwhelm the logic of their intended victim.

I can share a few "tips" for spotting a scammer, based on my one experience.  As I said--I'm naive, not stupid. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, and try not to judge, but here goes...

  • If the person on the other end wants to go from communicating by protected dating site to your personal email right away, and doesn't understand if you'd like to keep communicating by "secured" channels a bit first--they might be a scammer.
  • If you know that you are not a bombshell, but your beauty is recognizable after someone gets to know you, and the person on the other end talks about how beautiful you are before ever meeting you--they might be a scammer.
  • If the person on the other end lists his/her ethnicity as American, but the syntax of his/her profile is just a little bit "off"--chances are they are scamming you from a basement operation in a foreign country.
  • If the person on the other end never seems to be available to meet--out of town, has appointments, etc.--chances are they are a scammer.
  • If the person on the other end has only one photo of his/herself and it's overlooking a beautiful seascape and you ask for more pictures, but they don't have any, or send you more pictures that look too good to be true--they're probably a scammer.
  • If the person on the other end tells you he/she loves you before you even meet--they're probably a scammer.
  • If you speak with a person on the phone and they sound so foreign you can't understand them and switch to texting instead--they're probably a scammer.
  • If the person on the other end doesn't have family pictures-mother, father, sister, brother, children, ANYONE-they're probably a scammer.
  • If the person on the other end says they don't have their own profile, but they were looking over the shoulder of their friend's profile and they saw your picture, and would you please contact them at such-and-such an email--scammer.

These are some of the tips I picked up from my one scammer on match and others who contacted me and then were removed by eHarmony because there was a "problem" with their account.  Scammer.

Why can't people just be good and kind and nice to one another? I'm a pretty good catch, but apparently none of they guys on Match, eHarmony or Plenty of Fish thought so. I'm now finished being sucked in. Oh, and one more tip--once you pay for a subscription and then you decide not to renew--beware the "Someone messaged you! Subscribe to find out who it is!" emails. It's usually match, eharmony or POF sending you a message. You pay to subscribe, and they've got you hooked into paying for another 3-6 months. It's a racket.

Good luck, peeps. I wish you peace and love.

Another tip I learned form the show "Catfish" is to copy the photo image of the person, and then do an image search using Google image. Deb

Thank you for letting us know what was said, I appreciate the information.

Wow did you sum up my feelings perfect. I'm young enough to still want the intimacy and best friend next to me but was so comfortable where life was that I didn't expect to be here again. When I read and hear different groups I'm not in the "young category, under fifty and I'm not in the "over sixty generation...I feel lost already and this adds to it. The one thing I have learned in the last 11 months is that talking to a widow regardless age, is much more beneficial then someone who is "trying" to understand.

I was 50 years old when my husband of 25 years died suddenly at age 52 on May 10, 2012 of an undiagnosed Pulmonary Embolism. He recently returned from a plane trip, didn't feel well, went to the doctor and was sent home. He was dead less than 12 hours later. 

I was in such a fog and still felt married, even after several years after his died. A few years ago I tried online dating but felt that most of the men around my age were either liars or looking for younger women.

Recently I met a nice 42 year old man at a one day job (television show extra!) who said he remembered seeing me from another job, starting telling me how pretty and sweet I am. I've spend the last 5 years struggling to just get through each day that I didn't know how to respond to someone I didn't know being nice to me!

I'm at 15 going on 16 months, and I cannot even stomach the idea of dating at my age (I'll be 53 on June 8th)!  I confess, I did try OurTime for a month when I was at the 8 month mark, but I just cruised through it and never replied to anyone who liked my profile. It felt disloyal to my husband, if that makes any sense to anyone? I still wear my wedding and engagement rings, so I guess I'm not ready.  More power to you brave souls who are out there dating, I haven't been on a date since 1982, so I would have no idea what I was doing. I met and married the best man in the Universe, and not everyone has the chance to do that, so I should be grateful for our 12 years together. 

I was a long term carer left with strict instructions not to find anyone else after 28 years of marriage, two months short of my 50th birthday.  I think I am going to be able to comply with this; indeed I promised I would.  He was a really quirky one off genius and I think that every day which passes is a step closer to my seeing my one and only again.  And yet, and yet ... I really miss caring for someone and the companionship that comes with them caring for you, wanting to make them feel valued and feeling valued in return.  Definitely not marriage and not the nursing element of caring as frankly I have no idea how we managed everything that we did in those last months.  Thank goodness for love and adrenaline, because the last three months had us on our knees exhausted and I'm not sure I have adrenal glands left anymore, as I can't deal with a lot of stress.  I am so sad he isn't here, but genuinely so relieved he is no longer in physical, mental and emotional anguish.  He'll always be my hero.  

I know what he asked, and what I promised, and I'd probably have made him promise the same without realising how tough that request was and is.  I fall in love with him again every day when I think of him, and I still wear my wedding ring.  I have a sadly happy life full of friends, work and I keep busy, so I'm not actively looking and I wouldn't join a dating website, for example.  But I'm aware that I am human, probably quite a lonely human despite appearances, and not a saint, sadly.


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