I am new to this group and site. My husband Tony passed away a year ago on January 11, 2018. He died after a two year battle with cancer. He was 60 when he passed away. On June 30, 2018 my father passed away suddenly of a heart attack. These two men were the greatest men in my life. When my father passed away I felt like I had to put my grief of losing my husband on hold. I helped my mother take care of everything regarding my fathers death. Funeral, finances, getting her help into assisted living, (she is 81 and has medical issues and could not live alone) Now I feel like I haven't had an opportunity to grieve the death of my father plus the deep grief and loss I still struggle with after losing my husband. Any thoughts or ideas?
Ninny, I don't know a magic potion, I wish I did. I do know how hard it is to have multiple losses: my dear beloved husband of 25 years died May 28th, 2015, he was my everything, my soulmate, best friend, love of my life, -- two weeks later our beloved Siamese cat died (I know -- don't yell, pets are family too!) then, our dog died a month later, and then my best friend who lived in our garage apartment died -- all within six months. I will tell you, it was like one after another and another, though of course, losing my husband was the worse, best friend second worse, but losing two pets in between, I felt so lost, still feel lost --- we had been a family --- me, my husband, our two cats, dog, Chris (my friend) who lived in our garage apartment, her two dogs . We were like a little community, and it was wonderful, but suddenly within six months all that was left was me and one cat, Ripley. (My friend's son picked up her dogs). I still can't put my head around it. I did adopt another dog, so now there are three of us, me, Ripley and Kona (new dog) .. but.. I wish I had a secret magic potion for you, unfortunately, I don't. It just sucks. Grief is a journey and everyone deals with it differently. I am so sad for your losses, and wish I had an answer, but all I can say is hang in there. Try to be strong. And I do hope you have loved ones that you can lean on. And know you are not alone in your feelings... I don't even know if this reply is helpful, just know you are not alone and it takes time, a lot of time.... cry, scream, do whatever you need to do -- hang in there, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you for your response and kind words. I guess I just need to hear that others have been through similar experiences. I only touched the tip of the iceberg in my previous post. My extended family has suffered too many losses the past 18 months. All but my husbands was unexpected. six deaths in all. Two uncles, one aunt, one cousin and my husband. I'm worried that my brain has shut down and my heart doesn't know if it can take any more hurt. I have tried taking up new hobbies to keep my mind busy so I don't have to think about the pain. That only works for short periods of time. I always come back and revisit the pain and loss. I do have loved ones and friends I can lean on but I find myself wanting, almost yearning for time alone. I'm always amazed at the response from some people who continually ask, "is there anything I can do?" I want to sreaam, "not unless you can bring my husband back to me!" I know they are concerned and reaching out the only way they know how. I hope I never again ask someone who is grieving that question. Rant over, for now. I do want to extend my condolences for your losses. I know how it is to loveour pets and that they are a part of families. I had to have someone take our little Bella, 7 year old puggle, because I couldn't take care of her the way she deserved. it was a very hard decision but she needed love and care that I haven't been able to provide her. She's in a very loving and attentive home now,
Ninny, I am so sorry to hear about your multiple losses -- My husband's death was so unexpected (he was fine on Monday, "tired" on Tuesday and dead on Wednesday when I woke up, died in his sleep), he was only 57 years old -- it was all so sudden and I was in shock -- then cat died, dog died, my friend, my best friend Chris who also lived with us (in garage apt. behind the house) had a stroke, ended up in a coma on ventilator, etc., her daughter called me and wanted to know if I wanted to be there when they "pulled the plug" on her life support as she said, (and it's true) we were more "like sisters" then just friends and I didn't think I could handle that, so went to the hospital the day before, sat next to Chris, held her hand, talked to her (hope she heard me) just told her what a great friend she was, how much I loved her and said my goodbye and she died that night, they didn't have to "pull to the plug" after all But I never really got to "grieve" properly over my friend's death as I was still so devastated from losing my husband. Then a favorite Uncle died, still... can't deal with it.....
Also understand your feeling about "is there anything I can do?' remarks, people mean well. Hell, I got them too, should've said, "yeah, come clean my house, paint the bedroom, fix the roof, mow the lawn" as I had no energy to do that, but I just said no, there's nothing you can do. And of course, the worst "What can you happy?" Hell, I want my husband back, and no one can do that... So I do so much understand. And it was too much all at once, bad enough your love of your life dies, then keep adding other deaths on top it, one after another and seems like you're cursed or something... And you begin to question, what did I do to piss off the universe? Bless you Ninny, hang in there, and sending you a Big Hug! Sorry you had to give up your dog, my pets are really the only thing that's got me through this, plus a therapist and Xanax....
But I still wonder, what the hell did I do to deserve this?
I'm so glad there is someone who understands. I've literally thought I'm jinxed. I avoid getting close to people for fear they may fall prey to whatever the universe is throwing my way. I do know that isn't truly the case but you can't help having these thoughts. Is it me? Why are all these bad things happening at once. And yes, what did I do to deserve this. When my father passed away He was on life support and we were trying to make the decision of taking him off. I truly believe he heard the conversations with the medical staff because he didn't make us make that decision. He died while my mom and I were in the room saying our goodbyes. They were getting ready to stop the meds and take him off the ventilator, but never had to. It was sudden and I think on his terms.
I do have a daughter staying with me. She moved in to help me take care of her dad, and spend time with him once his diagnosis was terminal. They gave him 9 months and they were right. She's stayed here since so fortunately I haven't dealt with the loneliness I know others have dealt with. Being in the house alone, but the loneliness, being without your love by your side still exists. I'm so sorry you've experienced what you've gone through. No one deserves this. For whatever reason, bad things happen to good people. I'm not sure if you believe in a higher being or not. I do and I try to keep my faith while questions why. I don't think I'll ever know why. That's a hard pill to swallow. Bless you too and big hug back for you.
I would suggest Rapid Resolution Therapy. Google it and see if there is someone in your area that offers is and you can learn about it. I don't know what area you live in. It helps one deal with losses, traumas and start moving forward a lot quicker than typical grief counseling. Sometimes the right type of counseling can help one to move forward. I've been a widow for 6 1/2 years but it took me 3 years before I dealt with it. I had my hands full with 5 children. Peace and blessings to you!