How does everyone fight the lonilness? I just can't take this. I went from my parents house to my own when we got married.
Please let me know how you all do it.
I read somewhere that the difference between loneliness and solitude is attitude. That seems to click for me, but I'm not going to lie and say that it always works. Because we're human and we will always be missing our person and who we were with our person. It really does take a lot of energy to combat the loneliness...it's work every day. Some days I'm more successful and those are the days that I am very busy...that seems to be the trick for me is not having too much down time.
Wishing you well, Susan.
Attitude... I can see that. ... Right now I have a lot of down time. I babysit my 10 month old Grandson twice a week. The rest of the week is mine.
I'm trying to redecorate the house, slowly. It helps. :-)
I wish I could tell you that the loneliness goes away. It does not. However, the gift of time passing by is healing. Your mind gradually forgets the raw pain and just remembers the good times. I miss Jack with all of my heart and soul. He will be gone 5 years on September 5th. I have found healing through keeping my mind busy and doing things that I love. I read everything I can get my hands on, go to dinner with my girlfriends, shop like a mad woman, cook for anybody I can, and volunteer for anything going on at my church. I am close with my 3 sister-in-laws and my mother-in-law. They are my family and they make me feel somewhat till connected to Jack.
But the most comfort I get is by encouraging others around me. It sounds crazy, but the more you encourage others in your situation, the stronger it makes you.
try it. it works.
Much love to you Susan!!!
Thank You for your reply... I like talking to the widows whom live around me. ( I had no idea there were so many of us here.) They know what I'm going through. But they seem to give me space out of respect.. too much space.
I keep either a radio or an audio book on. I need a voice, anyone's voice letting me know I'm not alone.
Thank You So Much.
hello susan i understand that there are so many different ways to combat loneliness during the day or during our waking hours. Few people talk about the closeness shared- you know the private conversations(those deep dark secrets) that you and he only talked about when it is just you and him. I did not go from my parents house to my husband- i lived alone for quite a few years before i met and moved in with my husband. The loneliness i felt when i lived alone and the loneliness i feel now are very different. My husband and i had a nightly ritual or early morning ritual and nothing or no one can replace. I was fortunate to have my mom with me the first year my husband pasted away. My mom was a widow who went from her parents house to her husbands house. and even though she lived with me during the time she became a widow I did not fulling understand her nights of falling asleep in tears til I too had to fall sleep in tears.
This is the advice i got.
" you are going to hurt and you will hurt for a long long time; right now that you are alone and then later if and when you choose to be with another then you will have to make yourself strong beccause then you will suffer in silence."( please keep in mind that my mom comes from a different generation where women just did not express certain things to their spouse) . she went on to say " But it is all up to you. One day you will tell yourself - what am i doing- why am i doing this- i need to get some sleep so that i can be at my best and put my best foot forward the next day. when you feel you miss his hugs and his touch, his kisses and his presence, control your thoughts by remembering that now you have to love yourself twice as much. When your in bed- say your prayers, meditate, read a book, or simply just focus on your breathing. That will remind you that you are alive, its not your turn yet, and you don't know when it is going to be your turn. In the mean time get your required sleep and focus on the next day because your job is not done yet."
That little talk she gave me helped; it wasn't a miracle cure, but it help me keep things in perspective. I loved my husband deeply no one can deny that. So at night just before i go to bed I no longer have a ritual i have options. some nights i read a book, or see a movie. Other nights I practice some meditation or do yoga- and other times i say the serenity prayer . On a more selfish note --at times-- i also reflect on the room temperature the blanket and the not tonight hunny. You know we all endure annoying habits from our spouse-in a loveing way but being realistic- now i am stuck with my own annoying habits. It gets better -- whenever you feel like crying, give yourself permission to cry. I believe the late Robert Schuller has something about knowing when to let go of the pain. Best of luck it will get better just be patient. PS: if your able to sleep in the same bedroom you are doing better than I am. Still working on getting through those times when we would just lay in bed and look out the window.
HI b2 ,
Yes, it does sound like your Mom is from another time. But then again, so is mine. About a week after Paul's funeral, Dad said to my Mom, as if I wasn't even there in the room with them, " I think she'll be fine." ... Mom agreed with him... and that was the parental support I got.... ( Mom is from the time where the wife suffers in silence and not complain of anything. That's not me.)... My son and daughter in law both heard this exchange and just kept in close touch with me. ( In Dec. it will 3 years that Paul has passed.) And they still keep in touch with me.. Both of my sisters have been great.
I love the advice I get on here. Right now my best friends are audio books. My biggest love is my Grandson and my son and daughter in law. .... The people around here are so nice. I just need to get the nerve up to actually go out. I hate being alone.This afternoon I'll probably take advantage of the Labor Sales.
I have the same prayer I say everynight, put my transistor radio on low, play Words With Friends for about 1/2 hour and then fall alseep. ( I just need some white noise ).
The Best Of Luck to everyone! I'll keep reading everyone's thoughts and advice ! All is much appreciated.
hello susan ,
thanks for your replies. I think that having a good support group like your son and his family is great. It has been two years since Robert passed away and have come to understand that unless you have lost a loved one- the empathy is not the same. I know soo many people that lost their spouse before I did. Now, I know soo many people that have yet to lose their spouse. I will say this - I now look at those who have lost a spouse with a different heart.
Cant judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes,
take care Susan
I love your quote "Cant judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes" ... I've seen it before. But it has a much stronger meaning now.
If I see a Widow, especially a new Widow who looks lost. I just want to hug them and say all will be well again someday. Not right away, but someday. It feels like a horrible sisterhood no one wants to belong.
Have a Safe Holiday,
b2, thanks for your input. Indeed, there are many different ways of combating loneliness and what works for one person may not work for another. I am just starting the fourth year of being a widow and feel like I am beginning a new chapter where the bulk of the intense grieving is mostly in the past for me. I try to live in the present as much as possible, mindfulness I think it is called, and focus completely on whatever I am doing at the time, whether it is working, relaxing, cleaning house, spending time with my grandson, or anything else. There is a certain peace of mind that comes with that practice. I've always spent too much time thinking about the past and/or worrying about the future and I am trying my best to change that. I also meditate on Bible verses that are meaningful for me, the kind that tell me not to dwell on the past or about how God will take care of my needs. I am planning to participate more in community events as I am able to. I am using my alone time to read books I've been wanting to and engaging in my hobbies a bit more. Frankly, I sometimes enjoy being single for a change after being married for 25 years because of the freedom that gives me to spend my money how I want to and not having to consult anyone else about my plans. But I still miss my husband every evening and occasionally cry about it. I don't think that will change much, but time will tell. Being true to yourself and trying different things is important in this whole process. Being patient and kind to yourself is even more important.
I am Liz and am at 7 years now. Not sure how far out you are. To answer your question though. I have learned that it's not about fighting the feeling, but living through it. I know it sounds harsh. But allowing it, and not focusing on it, makes one stronger. It took me a long time to figure that one out. I had to face the fact that I was no longer the past 'Liz', but a different person now. For me, I tried different ways of expressing myself, through hobbies. Things that I liked but couldn't do as when I was part of marriage. I started looking through my local library for books on widowhood. I found some comfort there. The words expressed in these books, i could totally relate. Some written many years ago, and yet I could relate. Then I looked into what i liked through my community center. And I take yoga classes there twice a week. At home, I try to keep busy tending my garden, and when my young Grandsons need a ride somewhere, I drive them. I also watch my favorite BBC series shows, I binge watch. I also tried making my own art journals. Now this, for me was extremely helpful, as I could pour my feelings onto a page. There are some YouTube videos that demonstrate how to start one's own journal, just to get ideas. I try to keep busy, Susan. It does get better with time. Maybe better is not the right word, but lighter as in not as heavy. I hope this helps, if even a little. Hugs*
On Dec. 7.. It will be 3 years.... I use to write in a journal daily... Now I just write if I have something to write about. ... I'll check out the U Tube videoes you mentioned.
Thank You for your thoughts!
You are welcome. I forgot to mention this, in case you didn't already know. There is a book catalog/list here at widowedvillage, that I stumbled upon once. To find it, write "books " at the top right search bar. Once you get there, it's a discussion forum where fellow widows have listed books that are helpful, with grief, or by inspiration, etc.