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   How does everyone fight the lonilness?  I just can't take this. I went from my parents house to my own when we got married.

Please let me know how you all do it.


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I saw a new widow, Cindy McCain, yesterday on TV. My heart broke from seeing the shock from loss on her sallow face, downturned mouth, droopy eyes filled w/unbroken tears, lifeless automatic motions, slight stagger in her walk, recognizing people as she looked through them, but more importantly, the grief she will be confronted with in the days & years yet to come ...
Today will be the 3rd memorial for the honorable Senator John McCain, the other 2 were public. There was no way during the planning of his funerary services w/him did she know of the avalanche to follow that we all know too well. Sadly, she is a widowed public figure who will struggle on her own w/out outside support - the public will want/demand to see progress from her. Jackie Kennedy was kept under lock & key by the Secret Service to prevent her from talking about any supposed knowledge she may have had about JFK's politics. Its cruel that there are outside influences to hide grief, suppress it & force to get over it for public figures, but doing it to one's self is intentional cruelty as well as unhealthy truth be told. As harsh as it sounds, it's not a race for a prize which you will come to learn, but not ready to feel what is on the other side of grief. When in pain it sounds like a rational alternative, but what is gained is w/many losses of feelings in the heart, mind & soul for a once very special loved one ...
I agree w/Liz, grief is so much more than dealing w/its outward signs. Grief is primarily encompassed with 24/7/365 thoughts of loss that continue on for years. It's about carrying grief - the motivation to live & to heal comes from not accepting it as a lifelong duty. Loneliness comes from pining for your beloved. Please try not to make the mistake of comparing progress w/anyone who is on a fast track. Yes, grief is frustrating & consuming, loneliness seems unbearable to the point of wanting to be done w/it, however, the least known are the widowed reptiles w/a personality disorder or other mental illnesses such as narcissistics, psychopaths, sociopaths - they too, want to be validated as victims even as widowed, but more as champions of grief. I learned this the hard way by unknowingly inviting a narcissistic widow into my home for a holiday celebration. In my former profession I was educated to immediately identify them, but grief blinded me as well as desperation in thinking of her as someone to look up to for her accomplishments w/grief issues. Her steps sound appealing & worth taking interest in, however, this is the crux of such disorders - drawing people in w/APPEAL & no truth to back it up. The moment I saw her eyes while at the airport, I spotted narcissism - I felt dread in knowing I had made a major mistake. Former colleagues asked if I knew what she was even friends w/no psychology background. That was when their eyes opened up to see what grief does to a person. It takes a lot of time to be normal again ...
Grief is what it is - let it be that. The grief process brings the necessary adjustments to a spouse's death as well as normalcy. For myself, when fear & loneliness ended so did desperation. Looking back 11 years ago, I am thankful it was a very slow process. The end of grief was not anything of what I expected. It was the final chapter of Bob's life & our marriage. At times, it feels like a childhood memory or a milestone crossed over. Bob is now a sweet memory of who he once was & what I once had. My cousin said of her deceased husband at 16 years out, he is simply like an old best friend. Time & grief is needed to be okay w/this & forgetting many things about one's dead spouse to stop comparing him/her to potential suitors, living w/out anything holding you back, to leave it in the past amongst many special ones. Early in the years, no human being is ready for that finality. I can say for myself, I think of it & feel as if it is like a childhood memory or a milestone crossed over; it's now a choice in whether to remember at all. Bob, the person w/a rare specialness who once held my heart w/unfailing love in life & in death was a chapter in my my life. The slow process of bringing the grieving to that point of healing & resolving associated issues is an unmitigated benefit, but one a person must experience & be willing to go through to gain that peace of mind. Avoidance can hinder progess as well as this free conclusion making it into a haunting back to step 1 which I have also witnessed w/a few I started my journey w/11 years ago ...
Be kind, gentle & patient w/yourself as you make the grief journey ...

Susan, I know exactly how you feel!  I am 13 weeks out from the sudden loss of my husband/best friend!  We were married for 31 years, together for 32.  We did everything together.  I am retired and he was semi retired.  We use to joke about how together we made 1 brain.  Everyone I know works during the week day and I don't know anyone who is widowed.  The loneliness can be unbearable.  Like someone else who posted, I look at my calendar and make sure I have something planned for each day.  Whether it's a workout, hair appointment, therapy appointment, etc.  just some sort of human contact.  On the weekends I can usually depend on one of my 3 adult children to come stay with me or do something.  I love being outdoors, the beach, hiking, kayaking, paddle boarding...etc.  yet its depressing for me to do by myself.  I also have twin almost 4 year old grandsons that I use to LOVE spending time with and of course I love them with all my heart, but I find myself on a short fuse these days so until that passes or I work it out, I try to limit my time with them so they still see me as the loving Bubbe, I've always been.

Has anyone else experienced this short fuse phenomena of which I speak?  It totally is not me, but I can't help it...please tell me its a short term phase??

Thinking of you Susan, and everyone else who is struggling with this loneliness...much love!


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