Born in the 60s

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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on March 9, 2012 at 3:49am

Hi Brian:  I'm so sorry that with everything your dealing with your also having to try and prove you know what you can handle in your own life. I have just the opposite problem, people think I should be able to handle everything and I know I can't. Everyone comes to me to help fix their life,their money problems or what ever. Then I have one that thinks I'm grieving to long, I need to let go. The only thing I want is for them all to leave me alone. I love them all but like you I know myself better then anyone and i know what I can handle. It sounds like you have thought about this a lot and you know what kind of time you have, if this is what you want and feel you can handle it push for it. This is your life and anything that can make it feel more normal for you has to be a good thing. Good luck and i hope it works out for you.

Comment by teriw on March 8, 2012 at 1:25am

Hi Brian,

I feel for you and I can only imagine your frustration. I do have something to add from my own experience, but before I do I wondered if it would be possible for you to take on this coaching role with some kind of (for a lack of a better phrase) agreed upon check-in points throughout the season to give yourself an opportunity to evaluate if it's still working for you, your family, and the team, if any changes are needed, etc? Or, perhaps to co-lead the team for one season? If coaching is something you love, it would be a shame if you couldn't be involved. Perhaps there is a compromise.

I certainly experienced people telling me what to do (sigh...still do): Move on faster, take it slow, sell my house, don't sell my house, don't quit work, stay in more, go out more, relocate, don't relocate, date, don't date, and the list goes on. 

Truthfully, because I'm someone who operates compartmentally, in those first days, weeks, months I could appear completely together in public, giving people (and myself) the false impression that I was just fine. I also was very manic for quite a while, which made me seem even more "together" in some ways. I was running here and there, saying yes to just about everything, being very productive on the outside. I work in a stressful industry (medical devices), but I had a very supportive work team. I returned to work (only part-time) three weeks after Bill died, only to quit completely about 2 months later. (Returned to contract work a few months after before returning full-time to the same company three years ago.) Shortly after I quit my job, I over committed myself at church (more than once). While I did some impressive things that were new for me, I also let people down because I couldn't fulfill everything I signed up for. A main reason for that was the unpredictability of grief, particularly in the first year or so. Another reason was my judgment was off. I also think people expected too much, as far as me being fully operational in my grief (the opposite of what you might be experiencing). I was in a cycle of manic behavior, then crashing. Here's the thing -- I only had me and my sweet great Dane (for the first year and a half) to care for day to day, and that was hard enough.

I write this to say, you're right -- they don't know everything that you need. Just because they say it doesn't make it right. I certainly had a mix of people who had wise advice and people who had no clue. But I also didn't know everything I needed. Sometimes I wanted to need something different than what I actually needed. Grief is not a steady process, and although it's very much a shared experience for us, it's unique in some ways to all of us. I think Singledadof9 gave some wise advice for anyone when he said if everyone in your life who loves you seems to be saying the same thing, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to just step back and take an objective look - take a week or whatever and just consider all sides.

Comment by mammalee5 on March 7, 2012 at 10:31pm

Brian, I have been in the land of the widowed for 7 years.  I have experienced both ends of the spectrum --- people caring too much and trying to "help" me on my journey, and people caring too little and completely ignoring the fact that my life has changed, that I (and my kids) still grieve for my husband.  And the change happened right at about 6 months.  In my case, I didn't "get on with my life" soon enough for some.  Try to extend your friends and family as much grace as you can.  They don't know.  They don't.  But they are trying.  And that is something.   My sense from your posts is that you are trying to keep things as much the same as you can.  I get that.  Too much has already changed.  One more change might just push you right over the edge. . .into more of the unknown that you are already experiencing on so many levels.  Coaching football shouldn't be something you have to live without.  You're already living without your partner, your lover, your friend, the mother of your children.  Giving up one more thing just feels like too much.   And maybe it is.  Maybe this coaching gig is something that could get you through the next year.  Or maybe this is an opportunity to take more time and space to be present to both yourself and your kids.  Time and space.  Valuable commodities for anyone.  But especially for the widowed with children.   We don't get much of either. 

Comment by Singledadof9 on March 7, 2012 at 1:18pm

Brian, I've been through the same thing. All you have to do is smile, say thank you for the advice and forget about it. Sometimes you'll find a nugget in there that you can actually do something with. Keep in mind that they all love us and want the best for us. But not going through it they don't understand it. If you hold onto that then they're easier to take. I know they don't have any freaking idea what they're talking about...but the bottom line is that they care about you. And if they keep saying the same thing, it might be time to step back and look at the situation from the outside in to see if there is any validity to what they are saying. If there is, you can make changes where necessary or move on or whatever. If there isn't, then just keep an eye on it. We don't have an easy job but I agree with you...the big S and the cape is what we have to do so we do it and we are doing it. Keep it up man, you're doing great. Just be open about what you're hearing and adjust appropriately.

Comment by Brian in Ohio on March 7, 2012 at 12:53pm

SCGurl-The kids are 19, 17, soon to be 15, 13 and 12. I have an incredible support group of family and friends. We received our first cancer diagnosis in July 2011, recurrence in October of 2011, died December 2011 but she had been sick for at least a year prior to finding out. My frustration is that it is not an HR dept. it is my friends who coach. They think I can't do the job time wise. What most people don't realize is that I have been doing all the jobs including dad/mom for at least a year and half.  I agree that they have my best interests at heart but it is like if I have to hear one more time with that pitiful look in peoples faces, "make sure your taking care of yourself" or "are you eating?" thing I might scream.  I guess my point is, have the rest of you gone through the phase or stage where you feel like people are treating you like your a lost child and you can't possible know what you want to do with the rest of your life thing?

Comment by SCGurl on March 7, 2012 at 12:23pm

Hi Brian - I am a newbie here but have been following your post since this morning.  You just lost your spouse a mere 2 -3 months ago.  I work in HR at my job and looking at your situation from am HR standpoint I would have the following questions:  How old are your children?  Do you have a good support group to help you with the children like family close by?  Was your wife sick for an extended time period or was her illness sudden?  These are just things I am sure your HR dept is looking at.  From a personal standpoint, Your life has changed, probably more than even you realize at this point.  Not only your life, but 5 other lives, your children.  They have lost a mother.  They will need you more than they ever have, so while you  may feel like a 1/4 of yourself is gone, there is so much more of you that is going to be needed.  You have some really big shoes to fill and while I am sure your students will miss their coach, your children need you now.  Not saying you can't pull the superman thing off by doing it all right now, but sounds to me like your friends and co-workers have your best interest at heart.  At least I hope so!

Comment by Brian in Ohio on March 7, 2012 at 11:22am

Sandy-I tried to make my own decisions, I feel the need to be busy and involved.  It is who I am but others think they know what is best for me.

Heather-I don't see it as discrimination, it is more along the lines of "you won't have enough time to devote to the job". Who knows my time abilities better than me? I coach Football and Basketball.  The job is football. The kids have always been around me and the coaching. I have been doing it my entire adult life, the only difference now is Torrey is gone. I can be a dad and mom and a coach.  As I told Torrey when she got sick, it is time for me to put the big Superman S on my chest and the cape on my back. Well she has passed but the big S and cape remain.

Comment by heatherL on March 7, 2012 at 11:06am

wow brian - that is so unfair, especially considering that i find the busier i am the better i am.  also focusing on other people (your players) would be helpful as well.  and don't know the ages of your own kids but they might get some enjoyment/distraction out of following your team. isn't that some sort of discrimination?  what sport do you coach?

Comment by Sandy Webb on March 7, 2012 at 11:04am

Brian - I know exactly what you mean! I am 2.5 years out and people are still trying to tell me what to do. In the beginning I was scrutinized for every decision I made. I live in a small town so it was like my personal decisions became the town's main source of gossip. My Mother was widowed before she met my father and she told told me right away not to listen to what others told me to do.  Make my own decisions and do what was best for me. I found that really good advice.

Comment by Brian in Ohio on March 7, 2012 at 11:02am

Sure can Heather. I am a high school teacher and coach.  The school that I teach at have coaching opportunities. I have been a high school coach for 19 years but they don't want to hire me because they think that I can't handle the responsibilities while also dealing with the kids and with my wife's death.  I know it was only back in Dec. of 2011 when she died but I know I can handle the situation.  I am a father, husband, teacher and coach.  1/4 of who I am has been taken away and now others think they are helping me and protecting me but in reality I see it as if I will lose another quarter of who I am. 

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