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Born in the 60s

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Members: 670
Latest Activity: 9 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Dating Again for those Born in the 60s

Started by Mary H. Last reply by KMA2106 yesterday. 95 Replies

We can all understand the heartbreak others feel on losing their spouse, regardless of their age.  We know that the youngest, still overcome by the overwhelming rush of new love, feel keenly cheated…Continue

Learning to do the things that my Husband always took care of

Started by HillbillyWitchDr. Last reply by happylilycat May 17. 9 Replies

It has been nearly two years since my Husband died suddenly, and I find myself putting off doing simple things that I need to take care of. There are so many things, like going through his model…Continue

Moved this weekend

Started by Therese. Last reply by sus Mar 20. 12 Replies

Moved into a 420 foot apartment this weekend. I have mixed emotions on this to say the least. If anyone were to congratulate me or even try to console me I think I might bite their head off. I never…Continue

Brain fog?

Started by Liss. Last reply by Nance63 Mar 18. 11 Replies

At 56, my brain has enough mileage to wear off some of the tread, even before the loss of my husband this August. After his death, though, I find it so much harder to remember details, make decisions…Continue

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Comment by mls64 (Mike) on September 3, 2017 at 8:38am
WOW, it's sadly nice to hear from you ! I'm right handed and deal with the same thing. Going out is frowned upon... I know what you mean !!!
Comment by JustMeNow on September 3, 2017 at 8:33am

@mls64 and @IBelieveInYou... spot on!  I lost my husband over 3 years ago.  We met late in life, and were meant to grow old together.  Until he got cancer.  We were only blessed to be married 4-1/2 years before he passed away.  But, he loved me, flaws and all, and I loved him dearly! 

@mls64, I was diagnosed with Essential Tremor last year.  My left hand shakes like crazy.  I don't even like to go out and eat with friends anymore because eating is difficult. I sometimes have to use my right hand (I am left-handed) to lift my left hand to my mouth to avoid my food flying off my fork!  As I try to type this my left hand is going spastic.  Quite challenging!  

Fourteen weeks ago, I went through valve replacement surgery for a birth defect that was discovered when I was 38 years old.  I am 52 now.  I am doing well with recovery, but I now have several scars - including a nice 5-inch "zipper" on my chest.  Though my zipper is a hard-won battle scar, it still leaves me in a state of deep self-consciousness.  

Mercy.  Thank you for your posts! 

Comment by mls64 (Mike) on September 3, 2017 at 8:23am
Our twins are 29, hers from a previous marriage. I started being a father figure to them when they just turned 3 and had them legally adopted at 5. Our 3rd will be 24 next month and our fourth daughter will be 22 next week.
Comment by IBelieveInYou on September 3, 2017 at 8:17am

mls64 - I know. My wife was taken from me suddenly and unexpectedly, however, early in our relationship we talked of these matters. She said, "If I die first, you must marry again because you have so much to give." As you say, those words break the heart! I have no interest in "moving on" as people like to say. I'm lonely but I have the knowledge that what we had for a total of 32 years (25 in marriage) was pretty special. I've been reading a lot of Buddhist writings and of course they talk about letting go as it relates to attachment. It is intellectually distracting for sure and possibly helpful emotionally! So, how do you let go of 26 years of commitment to your wife? I'm not sure you have to. You lived that life, it was real. I too have children. Each one reminds me of their mom in different ways and it helps me remember and find some peace. How old are your kids?

Comment by mls64 (Mike) on September 3, 2017 at 8:05am
Thanks for the reply IBIY, it's easier to not worry over the confidence issues and just imagine being alone the rest of my life and living with the love my wife gave me.
My wife knew I am not a person to be alone, she tried to have a conversation about what I should do after she's gone but I wouldn't have it. That conversation to me would have been confirmation that she would be gone soon. And I couldn't handle that. So instead she would blurt things out, forcing me to hear them. "You be sure to stay strong for the kids and yourself and then I want you to move on !" And the sad thing is I know she's right. And that breaks my heart ! How do I take 26 years of commitment to my wife only to turn around and let it go ?
Comment by IBelieveInYou on September 3, 2017 at 6:59am

Hello mls64, thanks for writing about your situation. We are in a similar boat and sadly I have no answers for you. From what you wrote it is clear that you and your wife were in love and even if that is now only a memory, it did happen and it was real. Last night I was sitting with my mother-in-law talking about my wife, her daughter. My m-in-law reminded me of this and while it doesn't take away the heart wrenching pain of our losses, it does add a perspective. Does that make sense? I suspect, as far as confidence goes, you will regain it. I wish you well and you are in my thoughts today. 

Comment by mls64 (Mike) on September 3, 2017 at 6:45am
Can we talk about confidence issues?
So I'm 53, spent the last 26 years loving one woman and now it's over ?!
I'm still trying to grasp this new reality. But in fleeting moments I Ponder on future. When I was 26 like anyone else, I was full of piss and vinegar. Energetic, charging forward. Over the years being with my wife, I earned credit if you will. Many years of hard work and dedication brakes a body down.
At this point I think I have to separate the physical from everything else.
In the past 26 years I have physically been broken down however on the other side I have only gained strength and experience. I learned how to commit and fully love my wife. To appreciate what she offered daily, to hold our love to the highest regard. For that love to be the most precious thing that I have ever had ! But that was something shared specifically with my wife.
I earned her love and dedication through my love and dedication ! Earned credit !!!

Now that my wife is gone that earned credit no longer exists !?! I invested everything I had into my wife... My efforts and dedication are now only a memory.
IF I were to ever get past my grief, what would I possibly have to offer another woman?
Yes, yes, yes, I know it's what's on the inside that matters but we all know that it's the first impression that matters in the beginning period before you start to know a person for who they are !

I am a mature individual and I hope I'm explaining this correctly.
For me it is the heart of a person that matters the most ! And my wife set a very high bar in that category ! For me that is the most precious and best thing I have ever had, my wife's heart !
After all our years she understood when I developed some arthritis, only she understood when I was diagnosed with tremors that I might need help buttoning my shirt or tying my shoes. I earned that from her ! The same way that she had earned credit from me. When she gained weight after giving birth to all our children, I understood that ! She earned that credit ! And credit was given ! Is this making any sense?
My wife taught me the best things in life, how to love, have patience, giving of one's self and expecting nothing in return.
My wife and I shared an unspoken habit. She willingly and lovingly gave all her efforts to me and my happiness. And I in turn did the same. So our needs were always met from each other. To me it was unique and the perfect formula for success in love !
So how can I possibly achieve that again when I can't see a woman looking at me like my wife did, past the arthritis, past the trembling hands, !?!?

It feels like I would have a better chance of winning the lottery....
then to achieve that level of love and success in my life again. And that makes me very sad !
So yes, on top of everything else I'm dealing with, confidence is at an all-time low ! So what do I do with this? How do I calculate this?
Comment by happylilycat on May 31, 2017 at 9:18am

Happy to see some activity in this group recently.  Year 2 is worse than year 1, for sure.  Just trying to find a purpose for it all.  Some days that seems insurmountable. Today's just one of those days, but this too shall pass. 

Comment by MissingMySandyBeach (Steve) on March 15, 2017 at 7:01pm

Thank You Mary! Although I just recently joined officially I have been visiting the site regularly since Sandy passed in July from a ruptured brain aneurysm. I have been posting in other groups occasionally. You are correct I have learned quite a bit just reading everyone's stories, how they are coping, feelings etc and one of the reasons I decided to join was maybe someone may get some comfort from one of my postings. It helps me just to know that all of the thoughts and feelings are normal. Still trying to figure out a new normal but guess that is going to take some time after being married a little over 30 years. I so much miss the "Us"!

Comment by Mary H on March 15, 2017 at 6:49am

Hi, I want to welcome all of the new members who have joined in the last couple of months, and encourage you to share.  Born in the 60s can be a relatively quiet group because most of us are working, or still have children at home, and we are so busy taking care of all of our new responsibilities.  Still, there is no better place to get and share an understanding of what it means to be widowed in mid life.  So, to all of you who have joined, I am sorry you have had to join us, but welcome you into a loving community of people who can understand.  The one thing I have learned is that no matter how different we are, there is going to be someone who can understand exactly how you are feeling, whether it is beyond hopeless or learning that it will be possible to be happy again.

 

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