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Born in the 60s

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Members: 665
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Discussion Forum

Dating Again for those Born in the 60s

Started by Mary H. Last reply by Suzy B Jul 21. 87 Replies

We can all understand the heartbreak others feel on losing their spouse, regardless of their age.  We know that the youngest, still overcome by the overwhelming rush of new love, feel keenly cheated…Continue

Learning to do the things that my Husband always took care of

Started by HillbillyWitchDr. Last reply by happylilycat May 17. 9 Replies

It has been nearly two years since my Husband died suddenly, and I find myself putting off doing simple things that I need to take care of. There are so many things, like going through his model…Continue

Moved this weekend

Started by Therese. Last reply by sus Mar 20. 12 Replies

Moved into a 420 foot apartment this weekend. I have mixed emotions on this to say the least. If anyone were to congratulate me or even try to console me I think I might bite their head off. I never…Continue

Brain fog?

Started by Liss. Last reply by Nance63 Mar 18. 11 Replies

At 56, my brain has enough mileage to wear off some of the tread, even before the loss of my husband this August. After his death, though, I find it so much harder to remember details, make decisions…Continue

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Comment by Flower on June 26, 2016 at 3:15pm
Nieta
I love your comment about being grateful - it is so true for me too but I could never have said it so beautifully.
I went grey very young (and gave in gracefully at about 44), my husband had just started getting a little bit of silver in his hair in the last two years. It made him look even more handsome I think and yet no older (I am not sure the same can be said of mine). We were only three months apart in age and it was a source of amusement to my son that his Dad at 47 found his first grey hair while his Mum had too many to count by then!
Comment by Nieta on June 22, 2016 at 5:52am

Thank you Patience (Diane),

I got my hair cut yesterday  and all traces of artificial color are now gone so, it's all me now.  I kind of like it because it resembles my husband's hair color (medium brown with white streaks).  We were actually starting to grow grey together.  While I had hoped to grow old with him, at least I got to experience a glimpse of it.  I suppose it's all relative as, I am luckier than some and not as lucky as others. 

Still, I am forever grateful for what we did and for what I still have.  Namely, a husband that was custom designed for me and the beautiful memories and love that remain.

Comment by Patience (Diane) on June 22, 2016 at 5:21am
Nieta and jldodmother, I understand the bewilderment of walking this new journey alone ...
Comment by Nieta on June 15, 2016 at 7:39am

I can definitely relate to the want or need something syndrome.  And you've hit the nail on the head with the Christmas Card terms.

Your sister's pup looks very sweet and reminds me of our Tazzy napping on the carpet.  We were beyond crushed when we lost our little boy and that feeling was amplified for me when my husband joined him.  I find a little solace in believing that they are looking after one another and hope they are also keeping an eye out for me until my own turn comes to join them.

The desert island analogy pretty much sums things up, as we have been left to fend for ourselves without the only person we want to be with.

With love and understanding,

Maria

Comment by pvtess on June 15, 2016 at 4:42am

Maria,

My family and friends live about 1,700 miles away. I'm on Christmas card terms with some of my in-laws. I rarely hear from the rest of the in-laws unless they want or need something. I've noticed a lot of widows/widowers post about people distancing from us.

The Westie in my profile pic is my sister's dog. I didn't want to use a picture of my Jean-Luc, because he too is hanging out with my husband. I need to update the picture with my new puppy. One of these days.

On feeling lost, I often feel like I've been dropped off on a desert island and forced to fend for myself. I'm trying to start this new life alone. It's hard to start over when the only person you want to be with isn't here. Tess

Comment by Nieta on June 14, 2016 at 8:29pm

I think you're right about the self preservation reflex Tess.  A doorman whom recently retired from our building is friends with our super, whom recently split up with his wife.  When he saw me walking in the street one day, he hugged me and said that we should make plans to get together and that since I was alone and our friend (the super) was now alone we could keep each other company.  I graciously replied, "perhaps" but my inside voice was screaming, "No thank you!"

Our only child was a Westie named, Tazzy, and both he and his dad are hanging out in Heaven these days.  It feels really weird without my husband or our canine son in the apartment.  Even my sister-in-law, whom lives practically across the street from me has distanced herself from me.  And, to boot, my only sibling died nearly 3 decades ago. 

My closest friend lives in another state and, thankfully, we speak often.  I am also lucky that I have some friends that I get together with on occasion here but that is not very often.  Truthfully, sometimes I feel like Mr. Bemis from that Twilight Zone episode where the bomb went off and he was the only survivor.  One by one my loved ones are seemingly being plucked out of my life and while I am trying to go forward in this so called "journey,"  I just feel so lost at times. 

Nieta (Maria)

Comment by pvtess on June 14, 2016 at 7:45pm
Neita,
Thanks for the response and sharing your experiences. I know I'm not alone in this struggle. I have grown to accept the social injustices of widowhood. Many people have dropped out of my life. I wish I knew widows were "husband stealers" before I joined the club. I had no idea! I spend my time reluctant to socialize because I'm afraid of people's intentions. I think it's a self preservation reflex.
We had no kids and I spend my time trying to keep his business afloat. I don't have much time for socializing. I use spare energy to take care of my puppy, training and competition. I never have to question my dog's motives. Tess
Comment by Nieta on June 14, 2016 at 1:51pm

I've also noticed that some of my husband's childhood friends and some of mine have seemingly disappeared from the radar after offering to visit or help me with things.  One particular friend, whom actually has helped me on a few occasions, once mentioned that his wife said to him, "It's a good thing I trust you."

I've made it a point to send her husband off with a bottle of wine or champagne or something nice for both of them to enjoy as a thank you and I think that's put her more at ease.  I've also told them that they can stay at the cabin as if it were their own whenever they wanted a break to spend some time together, and have sent Christmas gifts to their children with a card signed, "Love Always, Patrick (in spirit) and Maria."

I guess assumptions can go both ways, as I'm also wary of the intentions of others and what they might be thinking.  Human nature is complicated!

Comment by Nieta on June 14, 2016 at 1:06pm

Hi jldogmother,

First of all, I am genuinely sorry for your loss.  And, secondly, I experienced the misunderstood and unwanted attention you speak of not long after my husband died. 

On one occasion, I noticed that the wife of a next door neighbor in the country became uncomfortable when her husband invited me to join them for some  ice cream in town.  Much like his wife, I had been gardening most of the day and told him I simply needed to freshen up a bit.  When I walked into my place, I overheard her say that now I was going to get all dolled up  and look fresh as a daisy.  Her husband mentioned that to me as we were waiting for her to get ready because he realized all I'd done was wash the garden out of myself and brushed my hair.  No lipstick, eyeshadow or perfume, just a cleaner version of me.

More recently, the president of our coop board approached me one day as I was entering our building and commented that he hadn't seen me in a long while.  Not only is he aware of my husband's passing but my husband and I attended his own late wife's wake when she died just several months before I lost my Patrick.  He was very kind and kind of a father figure.  When he learned of Patrick's passing, we'd always greet each other with an innocent kiss on the cheek.  However, on this particular occasion, he began to comment on how similar our life's paths had been and that I should get out more and have some fun.  He then suggested that  perhaps we could have a cup of coffee together sometime.  Perhaps I was mistaken about his intentions, but I suddenly felt very uncomfortable. 

I didn't really respond to his invitation and was thankful that I had just received a delivery for an exercise bike that day and practically carried/dragged the thing into the elevator.  As a result, he quickly excused himself because he saw I was struggling to sign for the package and haul it away.  I knew he couldn't offer to help me because he is quite a bit older than I am and would not have been able to manage it.  When the young doorman offered to help, I replied, "No, that's okay, I've got it!"   

I guess I might not have felt so panicked if on another occasion he'd told me that our super told him that I'd gotten a weekend place that I was spending a lot of time at, and that perhaps sometime I could invite him. I'd mentioned the weekend place to the super one day because Patrick and I knew and trusted him for years.  He was like family, as we'd met him nearly 25 years earlier when we first moved into the building.  I don't think he meant any harm by mentioning it and merely said it in passing when the other gentleman asked how I was doing.

Ugh!  The drama!

Comment by pvtess on June 14, 2016 at 10:22am

Anyone else suffer from unwanted attention? This is a first for me. It's a little long, but I think I need to give a little back story so you'll understand the bigger picture.

I work from home 10-12 hours a day, running my late husband's business. Since his death 18 months ago, I have very limited interaction with people. While participating in a grief recovery program, I would talk to some of the other participants (men and women) about their lives and their loved ones. On my part, I was just being nice and conversational because when I leave class, I spend the rest of the week talking to myself. :-) Anyway, a couple of widowers told me they weren't looking to date. At first I thought this was a weird comment, but then I later learned that all widows are "Husband Stealers".

That's about as far from the truth for me. I was just genuinely happy to be out of the house and talking with living people! I had no idea that asking them how they are doing who be construed as hitting on them. Now that I think about it, I wonder if the other women thought I was hitting on them too? Hahaha. I've got to find something to laugh about.

Needless to say, this situation has given me perspective. I am very careful about interacting with men. When I go to a job site, I take one of my employees to chaperone. He doesn't know he's chaperoning me though. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

At the beginning of this year I joined a church. My neighbor, also recently widowed, also attends this church. When I spoke with the associate pastor, I expressed my interest in bible study. I had been a guest in my neighbor's bible study, but the members of the group are my parent's age and mostly (not all) are married couples. I told the associate pastor I might want to join a women-only bible study because I thought the married couples class might make me/them uncomfortable - i.e. widows are aggressive husband stealers. I decided to stick with the bible study class and enjoy hearing their pearls of wisdom. It's been good for me...until last Sunday.

Apparently one of the widowers in the class 30+ years older than me has decided he likes me. One of the ladies in the class told me this. He had been flirting with my neighbor for weeks (unwanted attention) and I know he does this to several ladies in the church. I just don't know how to spurn his interest. The only physical interaction has been a hand shake when he greets the church folk coming in. I don't think he's quite right in the head, but he's been a beloved member of the church for years. I don't know whether I should change bible study classes. I hate conflict and this is really upsetting me. I was worried about joining the class because of an issue similar to this.

Has anybody else encountered the "husband stealer" mentality? If so, what did you do to address it? 

 

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