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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Born in the  70s

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Members: 568
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Comment by linz on April 1, 2018 at 6:39pm

Guilloma, thank you so much for you share. It has helped me so much and I am with redwidow and I may do that myself. Thank you again!

Comment by RedWidow on April 1, 2018 at 3:33pm

Guilloma - that's such a wonderful way to include your husband! I may steal that idea for myself.

Too young - I hear you. My kids are just 10 and 14. My husband just passed a month ago, but I've already had to fill out permission forms for my daughter for overnight school trips. We both sobbed when it came to the emergency contact part. The next one was my son's football registration form. It was a little easier than the first time. I'm hoping each time it won't cut so deep.

Comment by guilloma (Joanna) on April 1, 2018 at 8:12am

linz, I agree.  Unless they have been through it, no one understands how seemingly innocuous questions can cut so deeply; that emergency contact change is major.  I do a lot of cycling and hiking, so I wear a Road ID with my name, medical information, and emergency contacts.  About mid-March last year, I had to change the contact information on that ID, since my husband (Michel) and his cell number were listed as the first contact.  It was brutal leaving his name off my new ID.  I just couldn't do it.  So, I ended up adding this line: "Michel, my love, come ride with me."  It is a comfort to know that his name is still there.  Other people would not understand why it matters.

Comment by linz on March 31, 2018 at 7:09pm

Hi to all in this group. I recently found soaring spirits and joined. I read a comment about the emergency contact info. I was so thankful to read that I wasn't the only one who cried when I first was asked. My husband passed away February 2017 at the age of 48 from cancer. I was 43. He was my world and when I was asked that question, it hit me like a ton of bricks. No one understands this unless you have been through it. Grief can be very isolating and I am grateful for all your shares. 

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on January 31, 2018 at 11:06am

Adda, I think each one of us feels some measure of guilt.  If I let all of my shoulds, coulda, woulda's keep swirling in my head, I'd be a stark raving lunatic right now.  You loved your husband and must let go of things that were/are beyond your control.  

I don't know why we all do the things we do or make bad choices.  The fact that you realize it's a bad choice it a step to helping yourself.  Everyone one deserves to be treated with dignity, and respect. Life partner's esp. should be lifting you up and NOT leave you to feel torn down.  Believe that and live it...you too deserve to be treated well and have a life of happiness. 

Comment by Adda on January 31, 2018 at 7:55am

Hello..I lost my husband almost 9 years ago. He was the best things to had happened in my life. When he was here, i feel like I could conquered the world. Now, can I? Since him, I have been making bad choices. In a not good relationship but still in the relationship because I feel I deserve to be treated badly..? I feel I should be feeling this pain other than...? When he passed, one of the most prominent feeling is guilt. He was my best-est friend. Have I done what I could. What is wrong with me? Why do I let this new person treat me like this? 

Comment by ShirleyB on January 19, 2018 at 1:57pm

Too young...I get it.  My husband died 8 months ago. He was 49, I'm 46. We have two teenagers. I remember how scary everything was if I allowed myself to start thinking about it.  I dug my heels in and just started "doing" the best I could.  There will never be that "normal" again in your life- in any of our lives.  But the hope is for our "new" normals to become just that.  The grief is tremendous and different for all of us.  I wholeheartedly agree with others that it comes in waves...and can stay as long or as little as it deems fit.  It's an interesting, scary, hard and very overwhelming emotion to deal with.  But I can say at 8 months out I do feel happiness and joy too.  That grief is still there and comes and goes freely- but I am not consumed by it continually anymore.  I do wake up sometimes though and still can't believe this is real.  I wonder if that feeling will ever end? Thinking of you and sending hugs to you and your children.  Hang in there- for you and for them. Your husband would want you to.

Comment by AMA on January 19, 2018 at 1:42pm

Too young...I agree with the other comments!  I just passed the 5 year anniversary of losing my husband (January 17, 2013).  My kids were at the time of his passing only 2 1/2, 5 and 7. Now they are 7, 10 and 12.  It's weird for me that my youngest is the same age that my oldest was when her Dad died.  Everything is new and scary.  I still hate school functions.  No nothing is normal and never will be again.  But hopefully you have a good support system.  And agree grief counseling is essential!  

I'm not healed.  I cry a lot but not every day now.  My kids school is very supportive and I reach out to friends if I don't want to go somewhere alone.  My least favorite activity is parent teacher conferences.  Still hate them.  I don't like going alone.  Big hugs to you and we are all here to help you through this.  You are NOT alone.  We understand and while we can't solve problems we can listen.  Big hugs to you and your children!

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on January 19, 2018 at 12:49pm

Too young, I know the feeling.  I have gone so far as to all but hit my Jerry's number on speed dial.  I ended up deleting it.   I haven't found my "new" normal either.  I have had the same issue with the emergency contact number and also having to check the widowed box.  Jerry died Dec. 14, 2017.  Occasionally, well almost every day I read his obituary just to know it isn't a nightmare.  

Having said all of that, I may not be smiling and I do feel like I'll never be happy again.  It's also untrue, I know that too.  I don't know when or how but someday we will both be able to have normal and happy.  

Comment by wyzkyd on January 19, 2018 at 12:33pm

tooyoungtobealone . . . reading your comment brings back so many memories.  I am 1.5 years into my loss.  My husband was 38; our daughters 6 & 9.  He was in a car accident and spent 2.5 weeks in a coma before I had to make the hardest decision of my life.  BUT I can tell you things will change.  No, you won't suddenly be healed, but you will gain a different perspective.  That "emergency contact" question made me cry for months and still makes my heart twinge.  Watching my girls compete at dance or win the science fair or simply kiss my nose . . . it makes my heart hurt that I can't share those moments with him because in reality is his the only other person who can love them as only their parent can in those moments.  It's still new now but you WILL be ok.  Those two kiddos are counting on you and trust me, you've got this.  There will be moments when you are sure there is no way can go another day, but you can and you will.  I'm glad you are getting grief counseling - it helps to talk.  I will be thinking of you.  Feel free to reach out via message if you want to chat sometime.

 

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