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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Born in the  70s

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Members: 603
Latest Activity: on Friday

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Comment by NYC Widow 71 on Friday

Hi all. Is there anyone here who lives in or near New York City?

I'm 47 and my husband died 3 years ago. Losing him has led to a cascade of additional losses. Since he died, most of our friends have disappeared, especially the couples. I think they just don't know what to do with me. No one wants a sad third (or fifth) wheel tagging along. At least that's how they've made me feel.

Most of my girlfriends are married, some with kids. Many have left NYC for suburbs or cities farther away. I love my friends and I am glad they're happy in their lives, but I have no peers, no one who understands the unimaginable loneliness of losing a partner.

I've tried so hard to make new friends and I'm not giving up, but I'm angry that I have to start over at my age. I have a good job and find comfort in support groups. Still, the loneliness eats at me and doesn't let me rest.

Comment by Rollercoaster on December 8, 2018 at 2:36am

You are doing everything right. With grief we share but do not compare. Follow your heart. If it feels right do it, do it.

Most widows need to continue to work and get out. I was different. I needed rest. I simplified. I am a stay at home parent of 4 involved athletic and band students.  I choose to volunteer as I find time and energy.

Fulfill the dreams you shared with you husband, but do not expect the same timeline. Be kind to yourself.

Comment by SandyKay on December 8, 2018 at 1:13am

I've heard 4 & 6 months & that scares me if I'm being honest. 4 months will be right after the new year. I delayed my school a semester due to the stress load and not functioning well in the first 2 months. I went back to school for my BA in Ele Ed. Mark was my biggest cheerleader & he wanted me to have something more in case something ever happened to him. I was set to graduate in May 19'. I'm still completing my fall classes with an incomplete student teach in the fall. I have a HUGE church family support & my neighbors, fellow band parents are there when needed. My neighbor came down & finished the drive & a band dad fixed my door. I have churches across this country that pray, message me, give me a place to go visit when the walls are closing in on me.

Comment by Rollercoaster on December 8, 2018 at 12:52am

Sounds like you have a great cousin. But I have no clue where he gets the count down. I know many hit a wall in about 4 months when new life starts to become reality. Grief never ends. It changes. A new chapter in your life has begun and support from a multitude of people is helpful. Take care of yourself. Do not get hurt by pushing your limits. If you are part of a church they will offen have people willing to help. Be humble and except help from anyone. Know you will pay it forward when you are stronger. Years from now.

Comment by SandyKay on December 7, 2018 at 8:55pm

My cousin, who lives in another state, messages me about one a week or two to see how I'm doing and he wants me to be honest. My response included I survived Thanksgiving, had to shovel 13in of wet snow with my son on the day of my 24th anniversary. Ended up at the chiro & I dealt with a broken garage door. His response..only positive comments. Tonight I'm dealing with a fibromyalgia flare & he said don't let that bother you. His last comment was 16 days until my new norm. What the heck is that suppose to mean?

Comment by Rollercoaster on December 7, 2018 at 4:34am

Talk therapy is priceless. Find a friend or relative. If  they are not helping you enough, you pay someone. Professional therapists are trained. Finding one who specializes in grief would be helpful. They understand and are supportive.

Comment by Rollercoaster on December 7, 2018 at 4:28am

Hello. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband when I was 40, 6 years ago. My 4 childten were 3-12 yrs old. My plate was overflowing and seemed impossible to carry.Grief is now part of who I am. I remember those first years and encourage others going down this path too:

Rest when ever possible. Grief takes energy and is a lot of work. Be kind to yourself.

Journal often, it helped me get the thoughts out of my head. (I filled 2 journals in 1.5 years.)

Hand your life to a higher power - I believe and trust God, the heavenly father and treat Him as my husband. Relying on him for wisdom, comfort and support.

Take care of yourself so one can is able to recover and be present for others in our life. 

Look for the good. It could always be worse.Gratitude helps find the light in life. It helps me find hope and purpose to go on.

Seek out local healthy and encouraging support - grief camps and local grief support classes through funeral homes, hospitals and hospice networks. I also found Emotions Anonymous 12 step program and grief share helpful. Common friends and family try but just seem to not understand and get grief.

Comment by AML on December 5, 2018 at 5:49pm

Hi SandyKay- I lost my husband (46) very suddenly and unexpectedly just over a year ago.  I wasn’t there when he passed.  It took until recently for the events of that day to stop playing over and over in my mind so frequently. You’re not alone. I’m also still trying to figure out how to navigate social outings. It’s awkward and never feels right. I have made some new friends through a support group that I’ve gone out with and it feels good to be around people who truly understand. I’m so sorry-I hate this for all of us. Sending you peace and light and hope tonight. Amy

Comment by SandyKay on December 5, 2018 at 3:51pm

Hello, I lost my husband (44)  three months ago, very unexpectedly. I was with him and I have nightmares of that day almost every night. I didn't sleep the first month and then it would be a couple hours max with waking up every 30 minutes or so. None of my friends have gone through this and it's hard trying to figure out how to be the third wheel, or getting others to understand when I want to stay home.

Comment by KayeL on November 15, 2018 at 3:44pm

Hi Sunshinesoon,

Me, too, I lost my husband to cancer almost 3 years ago. I also live in Florida. I sent you a F/R. If you want to chat, please do. 

 

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