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Born in the  70s

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Comment by Hacochbe on May 3, 2018 at 5:42pm

Hi Dani I lost my hubby 3 months ago too and also to cancer although he had endless chemo and treatments for 4.5 yrs. We have 4 children 22,18,16 and 7. It's sooooo hard. nI like you have tried to get everything back on track for the same of my children but some days are harder than others. I have gone back to work this week part time. Haven't worked for over a year as I was Petes carer for his last 9 months. It all completely sucks x

Comment by Dani on May 3, 2018 at 11:15am

My husband passed away 3 months ago tomorrow.  We found out he had cancer when our baby was just 5 weeks old, and less than three months later he was gone.  I'm now trying to keep some sense of daily normalcy for our kids who are 15, 10, 4, and 7mo.  I'm totally exhausted, but try not to think about it too much because it's really just the new normal.

Comment by Mamitha on May 2, 2018 at 2:50pm

Hi AJ, I just read your comment and I so know what you mean. I lost my husband to cancer a little over a year ago and I have two teens, my daughter plays softball and my son plays baseball. My daughter joined a travel ball team and is super hard with all the sports schedules and their schools and my work. I do not like comments of that sort either, but you are absolutely right seeing how amazing my kids are is an awesome reward!! Keep doing what you are doing AJ!!

Comment by JoMid on May 2, 2018 at 2:49pm

Hi All,

I lost my husband 3 years ago. He was 38, I was 39. Our daughter was 8 at the time of his passing. His death came off the heals of losing my Grandmother, then having my Uncle (my Grans eldest child) die in my arms on the same day she passed away and also then a year and a half of my husband being acutely ill and all that entails. Last week I had a dear friend pass away in some rather tragic circumstances. Quite frankly I'm so done with people dying. It's been a long & trying 5 years. I've done a lot of regrouping, recouping and recovering. Things are still difficult, the waves of grief always come and I still long to have my old life back, but the sting and sharpness of the grief has lessened over time.

Struggling at the moment to get to know the new me, trying to find out who the new me is after the loss of my husband. Also trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life career wise and still trying to be present for my daughter. And also wondering how to carry my husbands memory with me/us in a healthy way and always wanting to have a connection with him. And also getting used to the changing of friends and family etc which I've found difficult to deal with at times.

I'm sorry you are all here, but I'm grateful there is a "safe" space for us to just be without anyone trying to fix our grief.

Comment by Rob-edmonton on May 2, 2018 at 2:48pm

I agree with so much posted lately.  My boys are 10, 13, and 17 - pretty well - adjusted thank God - I spend my life driving them from sport to sport, friend to friend, etc - they're I care about anyway really - raise my children and carve out a little life of my own 

Comment by AJ on May 2, 2018 at 2:41pm

Hi, I'm a month off the 5 year mark. Still sucks to be honest but between raising 3 kids (7, 10, 12) and working full time there's not much time for dwelling. My 12yo made the A netball team at her school. Whilst I should have been so proud and excited for her, all I could think of was how the hell am I going to get her to two 7am trainings a week + games and tournaments? I hate asking for help from other parents, I feel embarrassed having to ask but I suck it up and do it most of the time. I hate that comments like 'how do you juggle work and three kids!' have the unspoken '...because your husband died' at the end. It's lonely and it's bloody hard work but seeing pretty well adjusted kids developing is an awesome reward. 

Comment by ShirleyB on May 2, 2018 at 2:00pm

I have a 19 year old who left for college 3 months after his dad died.  I also have a 16 year old who is a Junior in HS.  We fought cancer as a family of four for 21 months.  He was 49 and I was 46. I'm the one who mentioned previously that my 22nd wedding anniversary would have been this Friday May 4th and John will have been gone from us for a year on May 24th.

I do also find it comforting knowing there are so many of us out there- not that I wish this experience on anybody but it is always good to know you are not alone.  Safety in numbers right?

I find grief to be unlike any other feeling or emotion I have ever experienced. The ebb and flow of it is almost incredible to me....that you can be almost "fine" one minute and heaving sobs the next.  A song, a smell, a memory etc that sparks it out of nowhere.

Being almost a year out holds many emotions for me.  We promised John that we would continue to live and make new memories.  We do that.  Every day. We get up and go to work or school. We go out for dinner or movies, or bowling etc with friends.  We laugh- like for real laugh- and we no longer stop ourselves or wonder how we were even able to laugh.  There are good times- true and real good times that we have.  And there are crappy times.  True and raw and sad and gut wrenching crappy times.  But we keep doing what John asked us to do.  I am bound and determined to make him proud and keep making him proud of us. We are here for a purpose!  All of us.  We are all here to live and learn and experience and grow.  Many of us are watching our kids do that as well.  And for those of us who have kids- we watch our loved one in them.  I can see John in both my children.  I can see his goofy smile and his laugh etc.

Its hard though.  It's hard to have to be here without them when we never set out to do so.  None of us chose this. I ask why me. I ask why John. I ask why my family.  I want to know why this horrible cancer killed the love of my life.  I want answers.  And it makes me mad sometimes that I cannot have them.  But at the same time I also know that I am still here and my kids are still here.  I am going to continue to make memories. For them, for me, for John, for our family.  

We talk about John every day.  We bring him up in conversation or tell a story or say dad would have done it this way or that way or remember when John did this etc.  He will NEVER be forgotten and is always in our hearts.

I encourage all of us to remember this as we move through life and we continue to live and we continue to learn and make new memories.  Our loved ones are always with us- they are always a part of the people we have become.

My best to everyone.  I wish we could all meet.  But just knowing there are so many others out there who know exactly how you feel and can understand, is a huge comfort.

Comment by AMA on May 2, 2018 at 12:29pm

Rainy...your last line has really stuck with me.  "Where has the beauty of life gone?".

My husband passed away from cancer 5 years ago.  He fought the cancer for 21 months before that.  So I lost all innocence 7 years ago. I lost the beauty of life 7 years ago.  I have 3 amazing children who are now 8, 10 and 12.  They are my focus, my life, my whole world.  I am beginning to see some beauty in my life by watching them discover the beauty for themselves.  

I too find myself wishing for the simple joys I used to take for granted.  Some of the hardest things for me to see are a husband and wife walking with their young children.  I remember that so vividly and it's painful for me.  I do find that some things are easier for me.  I am used to tackling life's complications on my own (taxes, house repairs, buying a new car!).  I'm still struggling with how to parent on my own.  I have learned a lot and am honest with my kids that I don't have all the answers.  I do find that I am losing myself in the process of being a single parent.  So while I strive to be a good parent I am also trying to figure out how to be my best self. Tricky to navigate.

Sending all of  you big hugs and I thank you for sharing!!  It's good to know I'm not alone....

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on May 2, 2018 at 10:19am

It's been nearly 5 months, where has the time gone?  Taryn(16) went for her first job interview and has a callback.  Sky(17) is behaving for longer periods of time.    Chad(21) has reached a much-anticipated milestone in college.

I bought a car and am finding the right folks to work with me to fix it up for one of the girls.  (that's a big deal for me)  

My (bonus) granddaughter (6) finally got her 2 front teeth in.  

It's funny and not the HA HA kind, how time marches forward while my heart is at a standstill.  I wish someone could tell me when my heart will catch up with the rest of my life.  

There are so many things I'd like to tell Jerry.  Laughs and frustrations.  I long to hear him tell me all about the crazy days he would normally have.  I want to feel his arms around me and enjoy breathing him in and know all is well in my world.  I want the simple joys that used to be or at the very least the wisdom to find them again. 

Where has the beauty of life gone? 

Comment by Malgosia on May 2, 2018 at 9:34am

I am embarking on a year, May 10th, very soon. I decided to spend that day in a special way-visiting a beautiful topiary garden. I found an article about it many years ago in a Martha Stewart magazine and we always wanted to go together but never did. We both loved gardens and gardening. So instead of trying to work unproductively and making my co-workers uncomfortable (same for my daughter's school) we will spent a day in a beautiful place. I cannot believe I have lived almost one year without my husband... I cannot believe I am able to laugh, travel, enjoy simple things but I am. My father died a month after my husband, which somehow makes the entire experience more surreal. I try not to think about future too much, trying to live every day the best I can. I still need to learn to be more gentle with myself and feel proud of just living. The memories form the last days flood my mind , the last 10 days of him fighting, of me fighting. Sometimes I wish I could forget and I am scared I will forget in the same time. One year, one full year. I survived, I am alive. Very weird feeling.


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