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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Born in the  70s

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Members: 611
Latest Activity: Feb 9

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Comment by linz on July 22, 2018 at 10:26am

Hi all,

Haven't been on here in a bit and I know when I'm having a hard time I always find such kind and encouraging shares so thank you to all. It's been 17 months and it's so hard. I miss my him so much and I try to keep a brave face on but sometimes, I really don;t want to. Thank you Kim for reminding us that taking time for ourselves and needing a break is truly needed. I always feel guilty about that. And yes, I am tired also and at 45 sometimes I can't believe this is my life. But, I always try to remain grateful. Thanks again for just being supportive and listening.

Comment by AJ on July 20, 2018 at 12:13pm

Hi Kim, welcome. I’m Australian, though I currently live in Auckland with my 3 kids. I struggled to find any online support for young wids in NZ or AU hence this is where I like to hear from others who sound the same as me. It’s nice to know others who are living a life we did not choose also have good days and bad. I just ticked over 5 years and really I just feel tired! Too tired for someone who is 43. My kids are good and that’s my benchmark. Keep well. 

Comment by Jess on July 20, 2018 at 6:30am

Hello. It has been over a year since I have been on this site.  This site helped me when I felt so alone, it is a sucky group to belong to but here we are.  It has been 2 years and 9 months since my husband died, I have a 26, 21, and 11 year old.  He was 37, I was 44.  I see how fresh the pain is for many of you and I see how I am not alone at feeling lonely and not comfortable in this "new normal" after two years.  I can say that I have accepted the fact that he is gone.  I did counseling, I got on medication, and I have stayed focused on healing me and the kids.  I realize that I am here, still very present in life and that I can honor him best by living the best possible life.  We did not sign up for this, I know I much rather be growing old with my love but it just was not in the greater plans of life for me and I have a curiosity for what is in store.  I have really bad days and unfortunately my family gets the short end of the stick on that.  It is ok to be angry and it is ok to question.  I find myself with more good days than bad but this is a new part of me now and I do not believe it will change because that is how love is.

Comment by Kim on July 19, 2018 at 8:17am

Double Dunker, it is extremely imperative that you take time for yourself.  Don't feel guilty for needing the break because you can't care for others if you aren't taken care of yourself. It took me a long time to learn that and I am still working on it 2 1/2 years later and I'm still working on not feeling guilty when I take me time and do things to pamper myself. 4 months is still very fresh so allow yourself the time you need. 

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on July 18, 2018 at 5:49pm

Double Dunker, Hi I'm so glad you're finding something helpful.  

NO NO NO it isn't awful to want a break or even NEED a break.  If it can be arranged I highly recommend it.  

The shock wore off about the same time for me.  No one says it gets worse before it gets better but for me, it seems to be the case.  However, nothing is as bad as week 1-4....we can do this.  

Comment by Double Dunker on July 18, 2018 at 5:29pm

 I've spent some time reading through these posts.  It's a bit of a comfort finding people my own age.  I go to the widow/widowers group at my church and everyone there is at least 20 years older than me.  I'm 4 months out and I think the shock is only now starting to wear off.  I've cried every day for the last week.  I'm grateful for my kids, but sometimes I just want to send them away and spend 3 days alone.  Is that awful?

Comment by Adda on June 25, 2018 at 10:18am

Dear  jpurpleshoes

I wish I could assist you with your twins. it is very important to have support especially when things are very new. You are not alone. I am here for you. I lost my husband 9 years ago and I still feel the deep sadness whenever he pops into my head. The first few years, I was so busy doing other things just to avoid the pain and the reality of it that I never actually able to heal. Hence, i do not have any kids but we do have cats. I held on to them like as if they are humans. I know it is corny but they are a great distraction. I am so glad you have your mother. My parents lives across the world and I was/still alone, but I made friends and create supports. 

Comment by Dani on June 25, 2018 at 9:14am

Hi jpurpleshoes.  I lost my husband in February and was left to care for 4, the youngest being just 4 months old.  Focusing on them helped some - getting them to and from school and other activities kept me busy.  I too don't have friends as I would like.  My life revolved around my kids and husband and with him gone I really don't have anyone to talk to or confide in.  I've tried reaching out to other moms, but it hasn't really worked.  Some checked in on me at the beginning, but rarely do I hear from anyone anymore.  I try not to dwell on that, because it tends to deepen the loneliness.  I've also found I was most comfortable at home and there was a point I wasn't crying all the time, but then I had to return to work a few weeks ago.  We worked together for 20 years.  I sat in the car and cried for 2 hours my first day back.  I just couldn't seem to overcome the grief, so I went home and tried again the next day.  I try and look at everything as a small milestone and try not to get too overwhelmed. 

Our local Hospice has grief support groups for families. Maybe there is one in your area?  I honestly haven't attended one yet - I'm not sure I'm ready.

Comment by Mo on June 25, 2018 at 7:56am

Hello jpurpleshoes,

im a single father of twelve. When I lost my wife four years ago my youngest was only one. But I had older children who have helped out in a huge way.  We each deal with the grief so differently so take everyone’s advice at arms length to find out what works for you. I was moved to write when I read how you don’t get out much and your so tired. I believe being tired is a way for your body to cope and there is nothing wrong with that. I know I had to deal with the guilt of that in the first year and sometimes after. Especially when you have responsibilities that demand your attention. So when my body would say it needed to grieve I would hold it together in public but I would make sure that I would make the time as soon as I could be private (just because I preferred to be alone at those times) I would grieve and sometimes that meant just crashing and sleeping.

I also knew that in order to carry on I would need to make as many events as I could between the present and the the day my life changed. So when I felt lonely I would do something. Go to a group or find a friend and go out.   I would travel or treat myself to a nice meal out (even if I was alone). Be sure to make use of those who have offered to help by using them to babysit or go hang out with you. Even shopping is an event. But don’t be disillusioned by my advice. Many of these events will be not be satisfying. They will never measure up to your time spent with your spouse. I know that that sounds sad and sorry but the goal is not to satisfy anything. The goal is to distance yourself from that day that changed your life. That distance will never make things alright again but it will help you to function again so that you can be happy again. But don’t feel like you must make all that distance happen overnight. Your body will tell you what you need. When you feel lonely than don’t wallow in it. That’s the time to do something. When your body says to crash than make time for it to happen.

After a while you will get to the place where you can be in charge of the grief instead of the grief being in charge of you but don’t feel bad if it controls you for awhile. I don’t know how many times I almost broke down in the grocery store. But if it does happen that you break down don’t feel bad. You’ve been through the hardest thing a relationship can go through. Your allowed to break down whenever you need to despite what other people think. 

Be well. And know that we all here are caring for you. 

Comment by Rob-edmonton on June 24, 2018 at 8:07pm

  jpurpleshoes  

i feel for you

when i lost my wife, i had 3 boys - 3, 6 and 10

it was sooo isolating

i was so tired and depressed

i did find a couple friends on the widow chat boards and conversed quite a bit with them - they were my best source of emotional help

 

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