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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Born in the  70s

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Comment by ShirleyB on October 24, 2018 at 1:56pm

Hi NLS2018. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to cancer 17 months ago....he was 49. What I can tell you from my own experience is that the first 3-6 months for me were really just kind of a blur combined with going through the motions.  My son graduated HS a week after John died, he left for college 3 months later, and my daughter was starting her Junior year of HS at that time as well... I barely remember that Summer of 2017 at all.  But somewhere in there we had a funeral for my husband, celebrated our sons graduation, went on a pre-pllanned 2 week trip, did open house for college, packed my son up and then drove him and moved him into college. The anguish and gut wrenching grief you feel in the beginning is something you live through- barely at times- and something you never want to experience again.  I found at about 6 months out I was starting the ebb and flow thing we all hear about and by about 9 months out I was to the point where it wasn't making me cry every day for hours at a time.  I felt like I was starting to get a handle on this life without John and had moments of thinking that maybe I could do this on my own.  As I hit the year the mark....I kind of went backwards for awhile.  I had made it through all those firsts...but then it dawns on you that the rest of your life is going to be like this.  He will never be there again with us for birthdays or Christmas or trips to the North Shore, or sitting there with us watching a movie or going for a walk or just being there to talk to. The finality of what I was going through was really setting in at that year mark and the first few months after that were tough. Things are again changing for me over the last couple of months though.  My son started his second year of college, my daughter is now a senior in HS, we are doing college tours and taking the ACT and she is finally getting her drivers license etc.  I do for sure think about these things that John is missing....he is not going to see them graduate college or marry etc. but I am starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin.  I'm learning about things I never had to deal with before...unclogging drains, replacing windows, traveling to new places without him and figuring it out on my own, dealing with ROTHs and investment accounts etc etc...things I relied on him for.  And while it's hard and frustrating sometimes- it's also very empowering.  John was the love of my life. My best friend, my confidant, my "person."  And while he's no longer here with my physically, I know he is here looking out for the kids and myself every day. And as I continue to live this life I have here, he will forever be a part of who I am. We were together for 23 years, married for 21. I am 48 years old. There is life left to live and joy yet to be had. I truly believe in finding happiness and looking at the beauty of things around you.  You WILL figure this new life out...in your own time and at your own pace.  Grief is a tough tough beast. But it will get better. Let me know if you'd like to talk sometime.  My best to you.

Comment by NLS2018 on October 23, 2018 at 7:01pm

Hi all. How are you doing? I'm new here, so I'm not quite sure where to even begin. 3 months ago I lost my husband, my best friend, my go to person. I'm really lost - on a daily basis. I'm trying to continue my life, but I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm numb most days, anger others. I'm hoping that by being here and talking to others that I can find some hope and maybe even peace. 

Comment by NYC Widow 71 on September 18, 2018 at 9:45am

Hi friends. I'm looking for fellow widow(er)s in the NYC area who want to get together in or near the city. It could be for coffee or drinks/dinner, whatever. I'm 46 and I lost my husband in 2015. I have no kids and I work 9-5, so my evenings and weekends are flexible. :)

Comment by Leftbehind on August 22, 2018 at 10:41am

Pegg, I am so sorry for your loss.  I am six years without my husband, and I have found the anticipation of approaching holidays are still worse than the actual days.  It does get easier as they tend to be less frequent and not as long.  I believe I will always have those wish he was here moments, and what ifs...

Comment by Rob-edmonton on August 17, 2018 at 4:29am
  • people do complain when their spouse is away to me too, and I have 3 kids, although other people are so aware of the difficulty we face , but I am surprised at some people
Comment by AJ on August 16, 2018 at 7:23pm

Double Decker, was thinking about this just this morning as yet another study was on the radio about the impact of no self care impacts on life expectancy. It's hard when we just don't have a choice. I too race home from work to relieve the babysitter, do 2 hours of crazy homework, games, chat etc I do dinner for myself at about 9pm then have to do laundry and other jobs then often have to do more work emails etc after that. In order to get 'me time' it means sitting on the couch staring at the tv at midnight. Does it count as me time when I don't actually get to leave the house? It silently drives me crazy when people whinge about how hard it was that week their husband/wife were away and they had to do EVERYTHING - and they actually say it to my face without a hint of irony or awareness that that is my normal. My non urgent life admin is so behind - I hear you about how hard it is to motivate yourself to do that stuff when you're just knackered ("Knackered" = Australian term meaning so very very very very very very very very tired!). One item on the to do list and one date at a time..

Comment by Double Dunker on August 16, 2018 at 6:40pm

So how do you guys practice "self-care" when you have kids?  I feel like I never stop.  I get home from work at 5:30 and then between soccer and swim and theater, I have something to take a kid to nearly every night.  Things will be slightly better when my 16 year old gets her license, but like so many have already said, I'm just so tired.  I would agree that I'm not getting enough sleep, but I'm also not getting everything done.  And when I do have a bit of time, I don't have the energy to do anything.

-Amy

Comment by Pegg on August 12, 2018 at 3:29pm

Yesterday was 1 year that my husband took his life. I think the anticipation of the 1 year coming up was worse than the actual day. Maybe it will start to get easier now that all of the firsts are over. I'm so tired of being sad and just want to be happy again. Some days are so much harder to try and look forward. 

Comment by Whitedoves9698 on August 12, 2018 at 9:30am

Anyone live near st Louis missouri ?

Comment by MidnightBear (Tony) on August 6, 2018 at 5:49am

beautifulbreeze - I can definitely recognize your pain in losing someone so close.  My wife and I had just 2 months before she passed been talking with our financial planner about retirement.  We were planning to retire in 10 years while we were still young and could enjoy the time.  Funny how life smacks you up side the head.  We never had kids or even pets, so my world is rather lonely these days.  Chatting on here from time to time, and posting against messages I have time to read through does help to pull me up a bit to take that next step forward.  I also try to do at least one thing a week that we would have done together.  Like going for a bike ride, taking out my kayak or hiking one of the local trails these were all things she would have wanted to do.  Me I would have been happy to sit on the couch and watch TV.  I drive myself to get out each weekend to do just something.  Try to find ways to stay in touch with who you were together and find some comfort in that as well.  

 

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