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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Born in the  70s

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Comment by too young to be this old on September 21, 2019 at 11:09pm

I post rarely, but I really appreciate those who do. It makes me feel sane to hear others are going through the same thing, though I wish none of us were.

I just came back from another event "out".  I  force myself to go, to get out of my head. I tell myself it is good to get out, get used to trying to seem normal like everyone else. Maybe I might even meet someone (which I think I would like to). But every time I go, I end up crying. I realize how alone I am. I can only hold the smile for so long. I can only pretend for so long that seeing all the couples and happy people doesn't bother me. I come back only reinforcing what I know when I "get in my head" - I am alone and it will probably be that way for a really long time and maybe forever.  Finding someone my age(ish) is unlikely  - I am too old to tolerate fools and the whole dating/flirting thing is foreign to me after being out of the  game for so long. I am too tired and sad to try to put any effort to being anything other than what I am. And my thoughts just return to the amazing partner I had and am unlikely to ever  find again. What are the chance of finding that kind of soulmate twice in a lifetime? I don't want someone else- I want him and what we had.

But I know that is impossible. Do I wallow in my own self pity, focus on the kids and push down my loneliness? Or do I keep trying- keep a flicker of hope alive and refuse to give in to the "victim" mentality?

I honestly don't know which is worse- going out or going insane because I don't go out as much anymore (we used to be a very social couple).  I recently had to admit to myself that I am actually afraid of meeting someone else. I have reverted to my younger self- shy and unsure where I fit in.

It is almost three years since he is gone and this year I seem more lost than ever. I cry daily and more than in the first two years. The reality of my loneliness is worse this year for some reason. Maybe because no matter what I try, nothing makes me happy. So I put on my smile as best and as long as I  can, for the kids and for my friends. To try to keep some sense of a normal life for them.

Sorry for the long post - I guess when I finally do post, I let it all out.

I hope everyone is taking care of themselves in this awful place we are in- I am so glad we have an understanding group through this site. Despite my sad post, I do still believe there has to be a light at the end of this dark road. There will be another new normal one day.

Comment by AandC on September 8, 2019 at 3:16am

Good morning AML and AMA. I cried so many tears when I read both of your post yesterday. It just makes it so real that he, my husband, is really gone. I appreciate your kind words and support. Even though I cried like a baby, your words helped in the healing process. Being able to talk to other people who can relate makes a huge difference. 

Thank you so much :) 

AML, a hug and a coffee sounds wonderful

Comment by AML on September 6, 2019 at 3:33pm

Hi there AandC... I'm so glad you found this page.  I don't post here often but I've found comfort in what others share here.  I lost my husband almost two years ago to a sudden and very unexpected cardiac event.  He was jogging as he did most mornings and collapsed and was gone.  There were no warnings at all.  Everything happened so fast and left me and my three boys devastated.  It's overwhelming and scary and just so hard to even get through each day right now, I remember that.  I still cry everyday and find my focus on him any time my mind is idle.  He was my best friend and the best husband and father.  You are not alone and I'm so sorry you are facing this.  Nothing anyone says or does really helps, but being around others who understand is very helpful and healing.  I wish you peace and healing.  I'm so not a "forum" person, I'm someone who loves face to face interactions with people.  I wish I could give you a hug and have coffee with you!  <3

Comment by AMA on September 6, 2019 at 2:42pm

AandC....

So sorry that you are going through this.  It's been 6 years since my husband passed away.  I remember the fog of grief that lasted longer than I thought it would at the time.  You have support here and can feel free to express yourself.  No judgement.  We all have different paths and journeys and we walk them in different ways.  

I personally feel that sharing with others "like me" has been a huge help to feeling less alone, less afraid.  Even 6 years later I feel the pain of my loss and miss my husband immensely.  But I know I'm not alone.  Neither are you.  Big hugs.

Comment by AandC on September 6, 2019 at 12:46pm

I'm new to this and feel a little overwhelmed. My anxiety levels go through the roof by just attempting to make this public. But, I believe it will help to speak with others about their situations and the unexpected death of my husband on July 27, 2019. It's been a journey, and I pray every day that this loss would not have occured. The pain is still raw and fresh. I feel as though I'll have my own heart attack. 

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family. 

Comment by Rollercoaster on August 25, 2019 at 3:58am

I felt there would never be a man who would live up to all my husband was. He and I were perfect for each other. I felt I would only be waisting precious time and energy if I dated. I told myself when I was lonely and missing my old life, "if God allowed a man to enter my life because he came to assist me, he would need to fall in love with my children and my children love him before I would allow myself to show any expression of affection other than a friendly comfort hug." It has protected me from many men I thought would be the one. They were single and looking and some are now married. They came to help out a widow out of kindness not I never paid them cash or with emotional love.

My words of wisdom: (You may call me old fashioned.Take what you like and leave the rest.)

1.Find a support group. I found healing in the 12 step program of Emotions Anonymous. Google it and call in to speak to someone who can help you get started. 

2. Learn from your past  but leave it there. Turn the page and move foreward. Start a new chapter.

3. Find yourself before trying to find a spouce/significant other.

4. Learn to trust God. He brought you to it, he will bring you through it.

5. Learn about 'Theology of the Body."  It educates us to accept who God made us to be, how love is for giving, how we should never expect or take love  (to use another) and how to show love the way God had planned (unconditionally). There are 2 teenage levels (middle school and highschool levels) as well as as adult levels.

Comment by AJ on August 24, 2019 at 11:30am

Kaye

i’m really hearing you today. That ‘risk’ is always on my mind. My husband died 6 years ago, he was 45 and I was 38. I’ve just turned 45 myself and it’s freaking me out. Come October 31 i’ll have lived longer than he did and it makes me so sad. I know my kids who are now 13, 12 and 8 would so benefit from having someone around but the barriers for me a twofold. Risk, the risk to our safety, the risk to my financial security, the risk to the kids of them leaving if it didnt work out. And then there’s opportunity I suppose I’d call it. I work full time in a demanding job and when I’m not at work I’m at home with my kids. I have to pay a sitter every time I need to leave the house as I don’t have family where I live. The last time I went out for a non work non kids dinner was late 2018 I think. I really don’t get how single parents find time to date. My body feels like it’s 100 years old as I can’t find time to exercise. If I had a spare hour after work I’d rather watch one of my kids sports practices as I know they feel I miss so much of what they do. I remember I used to feel so strong, so invincible. I’m sorry to have a whinge to you. I miss him. I don’t want anyone else but him. 

Comment by Roxana on August 24, 2019 at 10:35am

Dear Kaye,

What you say resonates with me so much.

Its so ironic, me and my husband spoke many times about how fortunate we are to have found one another and not having to be in the horrible dating scene, given how many awful deceiving people are out there.

and yet here I am, totally out if the blue and literally over night being thrown out of the beauty and security of a marriage into single-hood  and potentially having to face the dating scene in the future( im only 35). Makes me sick to my husband. It would be near impossible for me to find a man with the same integrity and noble soul Mark had.

i keep praying God he takes me too so I can be with my precious darling.

Comment by KayeL on August 24, 2019 at 9:09am

My husband passed away in 2016. He was 40 and I was 35. 3.5 years have gone by and I am still alone dealing with my greatest loss I have had so far in life. He and I met young when we were in college and soon after we met, we both knew we were made for each other. Since his passing on, I have lost hope about having another relationship. He was perfect in almost every way, I honestly don't know what are the chances I could meet another compatible one.

Besides, I have no time as a single mother with a toddler son. And my fear of meeting horrible men deters me from trying to meet people. I stay home all the time so not like I can chances meet people anyway. And online dating is SO not my thing. I have to protect my emotional well-being, my kid, and the little retirement/kid's college funds, so I have no margin of errors to meet "horrible" men. I have never been hurt in love since my relationship experience was smooth and easy growing up. Lately, I hear more comments from family and friends that I should open up myself for any potential "second chance." They think I have the look, the intelligence, the wisdom and I deserve another chance. I do, too, agree with my second chance but I am not up to the risks. I am too "old" and vulnerable for any kind of risks. And my son is whom I have to protect. I am not going to lie but every day I look myself into the mirror I feel such a waste of me living a spinster life. But this horrible prank of losing the most wonderful man I have spent 15 years with forces me to lose hope of finding happiness again. Happiness is not just about relationship with opposite sex. I simply survive because I have to. But the burden of living with the sadness not be able to grow old with my husband, this dire thought alone does not make me happy. I see the sadness in my eyes whenever I snap pics. The superficial smile and facade I put on can't mask my immense pain inside. I used to be full of life but now I am simply a lost woman dealing my mid-life crisis. So Not fair my predicament is not the result of bad choices I made but simply to suck up the cruel prank which life threw hard at me. 

I wish all of us could have better days and lives. Hang in there, ladies. *Hugs*

Comment by Misunderstood_in_ID on August 24, 2019 at 8:13am

Good morning all....I was 36 when he died.  He was 47.  He had a stroke and refused treatment cause he didn't want to be a burden and didn't want to live a life with severe issues like not having the ability to walk or talk.  He was amazing.  I took care of him 24/7 for 18 days at home until he died.  I was medically trained so giving that gift to him was something I could do.  Did I agree with his choice?  Heck no!  We tried....my girls, his kids, me....to get him to go to the hospital.  Choices.  

After a year, someone came into my life and I was still in the fog of grief.  He took advantage of me for monetary gain.  Then when the money was gone 18 months later, so was he.  Then I started the online dating thing.  I feel like I am from another era and am not fitting in to the mold of today's dating scene.  I ended up finding someone 3 years after his death and was with him for 7 years.  I lost everything--house, vehicles, stuff, retirement, and he was dating the entire time we lived together.  He was very psychologically abusive.  He started being violent towards the end.  So, I have spent all the time since my husband died involved with some kind of drama and never really allowed myself to feel the emotional part of his death.  It's a road not known unless you have experienced the loss yourself.  I have been fully feeling everything the past couple of years.  If you don't allow yourself to deal with it, it will be your constant shadow until you do. 

I joined this site a long time ago and just got an email about the format changing and I was like "oh I forgot about this site".  So, here I am.  It has been 13 years since my best friend died.  I miss him everyday.  I get signs from him all the time.  Eagles soaring, songs randomly playing, clouds shaped like hearts, so many things we shared.  Don't let others determine your timeline with grief.  He was important to me and I feel the loss every day.  I do hope that I will eventually be graced with another best friend who is loving and 100% accepting of me--which is not easy!  But I am finally at a point where if you are not honest, loyal, accepting of me right now as I am, then I don't have time for you.  But it's been a long, painful, lonely journey.  Be kind to yourself.  ♥ 

 

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