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Born in the  70s

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Comment by Rainy (Misty) on May 16, 2018 at 6:53am

Why is it that just when I think I'm doing pretty good...well, suddenly I'm NOT.  Last night was the first time I cried, I'd been holding back the tears for 2 days.  Last night was the first time in months I needed to take something to help me sleep.  There are so many other factors aside from the most immediate loss.  The secondary grief is normally what gets me but for the past few days, it's just been the plain old missing Jerry grief.  Half denial, half anger, and all anguish. 

I'm glad for him, that he went suddenly.   I just wish everything that needed to be said was said.  One little thing to clear up, one small reassurance, one more I love you.  It's all I needed to be at peace and I didn't get that.  It makes me angry, sad and guilt-riddled.  For what?  I have no reason to feel any of those things.  

I am ready for the NEW normal so show up.  I'm tired of yo-yo-ing around, so if I feel that way then why can't I put a stop to my own emotional upheaval? 

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on May 4, 2018 at 3:23am

Dani, Hi I'm sorry you're here.  I know it's exhausting I have 3 children to teens still living at home.  I'm at 5 months out and hate everything about life right now, however.....  I refuse to accept it as a new normal.  I keep myself (or try too) thinking that THIS is not the new normal.  The NEW normal hasn't got here yet.  Hang in there Dani.

Comment by Dani on May 3, 2018 at 6:10pm

Hi Hacochbe.  I'm sorry for your loss.  My husband was stage 4 when they found it and he was too weak and it was too aggressive to fight.  He was on hospice at home for his last month or so and I was his caregiver as well.  It was so hard watching him die.  I am planning to return to work in a few weeks and I haven't been since Sept when my son was born.  We worked at the same place, so there are so many memories there as well.  It does truly suck.

Comment by Hacochbe on May 3, 2018 at 5:42pm

Hi Dani I lost my hubby 3 months ago too and also to cancer although he had endless chemo and treatments for 4.5 yrs. We have 4 children 22,18,16 and 7. It's sooooo hard. nI like you have tried to get everything back on track for the same of my children but some days are harder than others. I have gone back to work this week part time. Haven't worked for over a year as I was Petes carer for his last 9 months. It all completely sucks x

Comment by Dani on May 3, 2018 at 11:15am

My husband passed away 3 months ago tomorrow.  We found out he had cancer when our baby was just 5 weeks old, and less than three months later he was gone.  I'm now trying to keep some sense of daily normalcy for our kids who are 15, 10, 4, and 7mo.  I'm totally exhausted, but try not to think about it too much because it's really just the new normal.

Comment by Mamitha on May 2, 2018 at 2:50pm

Hi AJ, I just read your comment and I so know what you mean. I lost my husband to cancer a little over a year ago and I have two teens, my daughter plays softball and my son plays baseball. My daughter joined a travel ball team and is super hard with all the sports schedules and their schools and my work. I do not like comments of that sort either, but you are absolutely right seeing how amazing my kids are is an awesome reward!! Keep doing what you are doing AJ!!

Comment by JoMid on May 2, 2018 at 2:49pm

Hi All,

I lost my husband 3 years ago. He was 38, I was 39. Our daughter was 8 at the time of his passing. His death came off the heals of losing my Grandmother, then having my Uncle (my Grans eldest child) die in my arms on the same day she passed away and also then a year and a half of my husband being acutely ill and all that entails. Last week I had a dear friend pass away in some rather tragic circumstances. Quite frankly I'm so done with people dying. It's been a long & trying 5 years. I've done a lot of regrouping, recouping and recovering. Things are still difficult, the waves of grief always come and I still long to have my old life back, but the sting and sharpness of the grief has lessened over time.

Struggling at the moment to get to know the new me, trying to find out who the new me is after the loss of my husband. Also trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life career wise and still trying to be present for my daughter. And also wondering how to carry my husbands memory with me/us in a healthy way and always wanting to have a connection with him. And also getting used to the changing of friends and family etc which I've found difficult to deal with at times.

I'm sorry you are all here, but I'm grateful there is a "safe" space for us to just be without anyone trying to fix our grief.

Comment by Rob-edmonton on May 2, 2018 at 2:48pm

I agree with so much posted lately.  My boys are 10, 13, and 17 - pretty well - adjusted thank God - I spend my life driving them from sport to sport, friend to friend, etc - they're I care about anyway really - raise my children and carve out a little life of my own 

Comment by AJ on May 2, 2018 at 2:41pm

Hi, I'm a month off the 5 year mark. Still sucks to be honest but between raising 3 kids (7, 10, 12) and working full time there's not much time for dwelling. My 12yo made the A netball team at her school. Whilst I should have been so proud and excited for her, all I could think of was how the hell am I going to get her to two 7am trainings a week + games and tournaments? I hate asking for help from other parents, I feel embarrassed having to ask but I suck it up and do it most of the time. I hate that comments like 'how do you juggle work and three kids!' have the unspoken '...because your husband died' at the end. It's lonely and it's bloody hard work but seeing pretty well adjusted kids developing is an awesome reward. 

Comment by ShirleyB on May 2, 2018 at 2:00pm

I have a 19 year old who left for college 3 months after his dad died.  I also have a 16 year old who is a Junior in HS.  We fought cancer as a family of four for 21 months.  He was 49 and I was 46. I'm the one who mentioned previously that my 22nd wedding anniversary would have been this Friday May 4th and John will have been gone from us for a year on May 24th.

I do also find it comforting knowing there are so many of us out there- not that I wish this experience on anybody but it is always good to know you are not alone.  Safety in numbers right?

I find grief to be unlike any other feeling or emotion I have ever experienced. The ebb and flow of it is almost incredible to me....that you can be almost "fine" one minute and heaving sobs the next.  A song, a smell, a memory etc that sparks it out of nowhere.

Being almost a year out holds many emotions for me.  We promised John that we would continue to live and make new memories.  We do that.  Every day. We get up and go to work or school. We go out for dinner or movies, or bowling etc with friends.  We laugh- like for real laugh- and we no longer stop ourselves or wonder how we were even able to laugh.  There are good times- true and real good times that we have.  And there are crappy times.  True and raw and sad and gut wrenching crappy times.  But we keep doing what John asked us to do.  I am bound and determined to make him proud and keep making him proud of us. We are here for a purpose!  All of us.  We are all here to live and learn and experience and grow.  Many of us are watching our kids do that as well.  And for those of us who have kids- we watch our loved one in them.  I can see John in both my children.  I can see his goofy smile and his laugh etc.

Its hard though.  It's hard to have to be here without them when we never set out to do so.  None of us chose this. I ask why me. I ask why John. I ask why my family.  I want to know why this horrible cancer killed the love of my life.  I want answers.  And it makes me mad sometimes that I cannot have them.  But at the same time I also know that I am still here and my kids are still here.  I am going to continue to make memories. For them, for me, for John, for our family.  

We talk about John every day.  We bring him up in conversation or tell a story or say dad would have done it this way or that way or remember when John did this etc.  He will NEVER be forgotten and is always in our hearts.

I encourage all of us to remember this as we move through life and we continue to live and we continue to learn and make new memories.  Our loved ones are always with us- they are always a part of the people we have become.

My best to everyone.  I wish we could all meet.  But just knowing there are so many others out there who know exactly how you feel and can understand, is a huge comfort.

 

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