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Born in the  70s

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Comment by AandC on September 22, 2019 at 8:03am

:) The EDCZone

That was beautiful as well as well detailed to help us out here struggling day to day to learn how to live again and not feel guilty for communicating with others as friends/companions. 

Lovely story behind your survival. 

Thank you Jace for sharing

Many hugs for you my friend. 

Comment by TheEDCZone on September 22, 2019 at 7:40am

@Parsnip, @Roxana, @too young to be this old @AandC 

Thank you for your stories, first off I'm sending you all my condolences and support for your loss. I lost my wife Lisa almost 8 months ago to Stage 4 Breast Cancer and Metatastic Brian Tumours.

Lisa wrote me a letter in April 2017 after we found out she had a brain tumour, to tell me it was ok for me to find someone else after she had gone, as she knew I would need a life companion, someone to talk to and share my ups and downs with. It was the hardest thing to read and the idea that I would find someone else like Lisa was a Billion to One. 

In May 2018 I was hit with depression and had some dangerous thoughts. I was able to get through that due to a very close friend contacting me and talking to me and letting me talk to her about my feelings. Lisa knew of my friend and she knew we had history. I've known Tara since we were both 12 years old, we even dated in High School in our senior years. She was my High School Sweetheart. 

A month after Lisa had passed I was asked would I date again... I had to think really hard about that, I just didn't know, and the idea of dating scared me, I hadn't dated since I was 19/20 years old as I meet Lisa 3 months before my 21st Birthday. Also the thought of dating and explaining I am a widow, and have three kids Connor 18, Ashley 16 and Ronan 11, and that Connor has Anxiety issues and undiagnosed Autism was not my idea of a good time.

It is hard to know what to do, I told a new friend recently that we don't get manuals when we have kids and have to figure it out as we go and we defiantly don't get a manual on how we should feel or what we should do when we lose our life partners, we have to stagger from one minute to one hour to one week to one month at a time. IT seems because we have lost our other half that we loose ourself, we also loose focus as life seems to have become too hard over night. 

I thank Lisa for teaching me that it is ok to live past us, and to live my life alone or with someone as I see fit, my three children all agree that I have had so much painful heartache that it is my time to shine and to be finally happy, it is not for me to forget Lisa or substitute her with someone else but instead cherish those moments and to make new ones with my kids and maybe someone else out there.

Lisa spoke to me a lot about Tara and what she was up to. Tara has had a loveless marriage for over 6 years and just can't move on, looking back Lisa was trying to tell me something, I believe it was its Ok, you make Tara part of your life, Tara has been my life coach and biggest supporter, she got me through Lisa's passing and the first few weeks and months, yes I felt guilty and that I was cheating, I don't know where life will take Tara and me, I don't know when or if we will take that next step, but it doesn't matter as long as I know she is there for me and I am there for her as friends and companions its more than I could ask. 

I have had people reach out to me from here and I have helped as best I can, I will listen, I will not judge, I will support and give guidance when I can on how I coped. I can't wave a magic wand and make everything right or better but I can listen and remember most times your right, you just can't hear it.

Sorry for the long winded post but I just can't help it I just feel I need to help when I can. Lisa is with me in spirt and I know she would be proud of me and my kids.

All the best Jace.

Comment by Parsnip on September 22, 2019 at 6:26am

TYTBTO - Thank you for your post.  Ditto all of it, and hearing it from someone else is so comforting.  I've recently moved because I felt like I was just living a lesser version of our life together, and I'm now trying to figure out what I want and even who I am in this new city.  The feelings of just wanting him and our life together back are so strong, it feels like it can nearly happen sometimes.  And while I think that I'd like to find someone to have some sort of relationship with, I can't imagine doing that without completely freaking out.  I feel like I'm exactly how I was when I was younger - that uncertain, insecure, scared person. 

One thing that helps...  My two biggest loves of my life - my husband and my sister - both told me at different times how different I was/am (my husband from when we met, my sister from since he died).  And there's no going back (as we know).  We are such different people, we can't possibly go back to that person we were even before our people died, never mind before we met them. 

I like to think of Peter as my guardian angel and the person who is still in my corner, cheering me on and knowing that I can do it.  When I can't do things for me, I do things that I know are good for me to make him happy and proud.  And when I do things that are not the best decisions, I know that he is kinder to me than I am to myself, loves me and is hugging me.  It's not always easy for me to get to this point, but I try my best.  I think it also reinforces our relationship as a current (though different) thing and not an over thing, and I like that.

Comment by Roxana on September 22, 2019 at 12:57am

Dear Too you g to be this old,

I so recognise myself in your words.

I am only 35, and both the idea of a life of loneliness and the idea of having yo find another man sicken me, when all I want is my husband. Just as you, I have been blessed to be married with the most spe ial of men, the kindest, most loyal, honest, generous person,and finding someone as special as him would be near impossible. And this breaks me to pieces. God, how I wish I could turn back time and take my husband to the doctor again. He would still be with me now.

Just as you, I reversed to the insecure girl I was before MRk. He gave me confidence, treated me as the most amazing woman on earth, supported me in everything, accepted me just as I am, loved me unconditionally. 

Now I feel so alone, especially at events. And I dread the idea of the dating thing... 

I think what we have to do is not put any pressure on ourselves. Im in no way ready to date, i am “ content” by myself tight now. I believe God sees our pain and at the right time He will bring us the right guy if neccessary. Lets leave this worry in His care. We have enough to worry about at the moment.

try to spend time with yourself, try to know yourself better, try to pamper yourself and give yourself a break. 

With time, everything will fall into place for us.

love and hugs.

Comment by too young to be this old on September 21, 2019 at 11:09pm

I post rarely, but I really appreciate those who do. It makes me feel sane to hear others are going through the same thing, though I wish none of us were.

I just came back from another event "out".  I  force myself to go, to get out of my head. I tell myself it is good to get out, get used to trying to seem normal like everyone else. Maybe I might even meet someone (which I think I would like to). But every time I go, I end up crying. I realize how alone I am. I can only hold the smile for so long. I can only pretend for so long that seeing all the couples and happy people doesn't bother me. I come back only reinforcing what I know when I "get in my head" - I am alone and it will probably be that way for a really long time and maybe forever.  Finding someone my age(ish) is unlikely  - I am too old to tolerate fools and the whole dating/flirting thing is foreign to me after being out of the  game for so long. I am too tired and sad to try to put any effort to being anything other than what I am. And my thoughts just return to the amazing partner I had and am unlikely to ever  find again. What are the chance of finding that kind of soulmate twice in a lifetime? I don't want someone else- I want him and what we had.

But I know that is impossible. Do I wallow in my own self pity, focus on the kids and push down my loneliness? Or do I keep trying- keep a flicker of hope alive and refuse to give in to the "victim" mentality?

I honestly don't know which is worse- going out or going insane because I don't go out as much anymore (we used to be a very social couple).  I recently had to admit to myself that I am actually afraid of meeting someone else. I have reverted to my younger self- shy and unsure where I fit in.

It is almost three years since he is gone and this year I seem more lost than ever. I cry daily and more than in the first two years. The reality of my loneliness is worse this year for some reason. Maybe because no matter what I try, nothing makes me happy. So I put on my smile as best and as long as I  can, for the kids and for my friends. To try to keep some sense of a normal life for them.

Sorry for the long post - I guess when I finally do post, I let it all out.

I hope everyone is taking care of themselves in this awful place we are in- I am so glad we have an understanding group through this site. Despite my sad post, I do still believe there has to be a light at the end of this dark road. There will be another new normal one day.

Comment by AandC on September 8, 2019 at 3:16am

Good morning AML and AMA. I cried so many tears when I read both of your post yesterday. It just makes it so real that he, my husband, is really gone. I appreciate your kind words and support. Even though I cried like a baby, your words helped in the healing process. Being able to talk to other people who can relate makes a huge difference. 

Thank you so much :) 

AML, a hug and a coffee sounds wonderful

Comment by AML on September 6, 2019 at 3:33pm

Hi there AandC... I'm so glad you found this page.  I don't post here often but I've found comfort in what others share here.  I lost my husband almost two years ago to a sudden and very unexpected cardiac event.  He was jogging as he did most mornings and collapsed and was gone.  There were no warnings at all.  Everything happened so fast and left me and my three boys devastated.  It's overwhelming and scary and just so hard to even get through each day right now, I remember that.  I still cry everyday and find my focus on him any time my mind is idle.  He was my best friend and the best husband and father.  You are not alone and I'm so sorry you are facing this.  Nothing anyone says or does really helps, but being around others who understand is very helpful and healing.  I wish you peace and healing.  I'm so not a "forum" person, I'm someone who loves face to face interactions with people.  I wish I could give you a hug and have coffee with you!  <3

Comment by AMA on September 6, 2019 at 2:42pm

AandC....

So sorry that you are going through this.  It's been 6 years since my husband passed away.  I remember the fog of grief that lasted longer than I thought it would at the time.  You have support here and can feel free to express yourself.  No judgement.  We all have different paths and journeys and we walk them in different ways.  

I personally feel that sharing with others "like me" has been a huge help to feeling less alone, less afraid.  Even 6 years later I feel the pain of my loss and miss my husband immensely.  But I know I'm not alone.  Neither are you.  Big hugs.

Comment by AandC on September 6, 2019 at 12:46pm

I'm new to this and feel a little overwhelmed. My anxiety levels go through the roof by just attempting to make this public. But, I believe it will help to speak with others about their situations and the unexpected death of my husband on July 27, 2019. It's been a journey, and I pray every day that this loss would not have occured. The pain is still raw and fresh. I feel as though I'll have my own heart attack. 

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family. 

Comment by Rollercoaster on August 25, 2019 at 3:58am

I felt there would never be a man who would live up to all my husband was. He and I were perfect for each other. I felt I would only be waisting precious time and energy if I dated. I told myself when I was lonely and missing my old life, "if God allowed a man to enter my life because he came to assist me, he would need to fall in love with my children and my children love him before I would allow myself to show any expression of affection other than a friendly comfort hug." It has protected me from many men I thought would be the one. They were single and looking and some are now married. They came to help out a widow out of kindness not I never paid them cash or with emotional love.

My words of wisdom: (You may call me old fashioned.Take what you like and leave the rest.)

1.Find a support group. I found healing in the 12 step program of Emotions Anonymous. Google it and call in to speak to someone who can help you get started. 

2. Learn from your past  but leave it there. Turn the page and move foreward. Start a new chapter.

3. Find yourself before trying to find a spouce/significant other.

4. Learn to trust God. He brought you to it, he will bring you through it.

5. Learn about 'Theology of the Body."  It educates us to accept who God made us to be, how love is for giving, how we should never expect or take love  (to use another) and how to show love the way God had planned (unconditionally). There are 2 teenage levels (middle school and highschool levels) as well as as adult levels.

 

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