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Born in the  70s

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Comment by Rob-edmonton on May 2, 2018 at 2:48pm

I agree with so much posted lately.  My boys are 10, 13, and 17 - pretty well - adjusted thank God - I spend my life driving them from sport to sport, friend to friend, etc - they're I care about anyway really - raise my children and carve out a little life of my own 

Comment by AJ on May 2, 2018 at 2:41pm

Hi, I'm a month off the 5 year mark. Still sucks to be honest but between raising 3 kids (7, 10, 12) and working full time there's not much time for dwelling. My 12yo made the A netball team at her school. Whilst I should have been so proud and excited for her, all I could think of was how the hell am I going to get her to two 7am trainings a week + games and tournaments? I hate asking for help from other parents, I feel embarrassed having to ask but I suck it up and do it most of the time. I hate that comments like 'how do you juggle work and three kids!' have the unspoken '...because your husband died' at the end. It's lonely and it's bloody hard work but seeing pretty well adjusted kids developing is an awesome reward. 

Comment by ShirleyB on May 2, 2018 at 2:00pm

I have a 19 year old who left for college 3 months after his dad died.  I also have a 16 year old who is a Junior in HS.  We fought cancer as a family of four for 21 months.  He was 49 and I was 46. I'm the one who mentioned previously that my 22nd wedding anniversary would have been this Friday May 4th and John will have been gone from us for a year on May 24th.

I do also find it comforting knowing there are so many of us out there- not that I wish this experience on anybody but it is always good to know you are not alone.  Safety in numbers right?

I find grief to be unlike any other feeling or emotion I have ever experienced. The ebb and flow of it is almost incredible to me....that you can be almost "fine" one minute and heaving sobs the next.  A song, a smell, a memory etc that sparks it out of nowhere.

Being almost a year out holds many emotions for me.  We promised John that we would continue to live and make new memories.  We do that.  Every day. We get up and go to work or school. We go out for dinner or movies, or bowling etc with friends.  We laugh- like for real laugh- and we no longer stop ourselves or wonder how we were even able to laugh.  There are good times- true and real good times that we have.  And there are crappy times.  True and raw and sad and gut wrenching crappy times.  But we keep doing what John asked us to do.  I am bound and determined to make him proud and keep making him proud of us. We are here for a purpose!  All of us.  We are all here to live and learn and experience and grow.  Many of us are watching our kids do that as well.  And for those of us who have kids- we watch our loved one in them.  I can see John in both my children.  I can see his goofy smile and his laugh etc.

Its hard though.  It's hard to have to be here without them when we never set out to do so.  None of us chose this. I ask why me. I ask why John. I ask why my family.  I want to know why this horrible cancer killed the love of my life.  I want answers.  And it makes me mad sometimes that I cannot have them.  But at the same time I also know that I am still here and my kids are still here.  I am going to continue to make memories. For them, for me, for John, for our family.  

We talk about John every day.  We bring him up in conversation or tell a story or say dad would have done it this way or that way or remember when John did this etc.  He will NEVER be forgotten and is always in our hearts.

I encourage all of us to remember this as we move through life and we continue to live and we continue to learn and make new memories.  Our loved ones are always with us- they are always a part of the people we have become.

My best to everyone.  I wish we could all meet.  But just knowing there are so many others out there who know exactly how you feel and can understand, is a huge comfort.

Comment by AMA on May 2, 2018 at 12:29pm

Rainy...your last line has really stuck with me.  "Where has the beauty of life gone?".

My husband passed away from cancer 5 years ago.  He fought the cancer for 21 months before that.  So I lost all innocence 7 years ago. I lost the beauty of life 7 years ago.  I have 3 amazing children who are now 8, 10 and 12.  They are my focus, my life, my whole world.  I am beginning to see some beauty in my life by watching them discover the beauty for themselves.  

I too find myself wishing for the simple joys I used to take for granted.  Some of the hardest things for me to see are a husband and wife walking with their young children.  I remember that so vividly and it's painful for me.  I do find that some things are easier for me.  I am used to tackling life's complications on my own (taxes, house repairs, buying a new car!).  I'm still struggling with how to parent on my own.  I have learned a lot and am honest with my kids that I don't have all the answers.  I do find that I am losing myself in the process of being a single parent.  So while I strive to be a good parent I am also trying to figure out how to be my best self. Tricky to navigate.

Sending all of  you big hugs and I thank you for sharing!!  It's good to know I'm not alone....

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on May 2, 2018 at 10:19am

It's been nearly 5 months, where has the time gone?  Taryn(16) went for her first job interview and has a callback.  Sky(17) is behaving for longer periods of time.    Chad(21) has reached a much-anticipated milestone in college.

I bought a car and am finding the right folks to work with me to fix it up for one of the girls.  (that's a big deal for me)  

My (bonus) granddaughter (6) finally got her 2 front teeth in.  

It's funny and not the HA HA kind, how time marches forward while my heart is at a standstill.  I wish someone could tell me when my heart will catch up with the rest of my life.  

There are so many things I'd like to tell Jerry.  Laughs and frustrations.  I long to hear him tell me all about the crazy days he would normally have.  I want to feel his arms around me and enjoy breathing him in and know all is well in my world.  I want the simple joys that used to be or at the very least the wisdom to find them again. 

Where has the beauty of life gone? 

Comment by Malgosia on May 2, 2018 at 9:34am

I am embarking on a year, May 10th, very soon. I decided to spend that day in a special way-visiting a beautiful topiary garden. I found an article about it many years ago in a Martha Stewart magazine and we always wanted to go together but never did. We both loved gardens and gardening. So instead of trying to work unproductively and making my co-workers uncomfortable (same for my daughter's school) we will spent a day in a beautiful place. I cannot believe I have lived almost one year without my husband... I cannot believe I am able to laugh, travel, enjoy simple things but I am. My father died a month after my husband, which somehow makes the entire experience more surreal. I try not to think about future too much, trying to live every day the best I can. I still need to learn to be more gentle with myself and feel proud of just living. The memories form the last days flood my mind , the last 10 days of him fighting, of me fighting. Sometimes I wish I could forget and I am scared I will forget in the same time. One year, one full year. I survived, I am alive. Very weird feeling.

Comment by Lostmyeverything on May 2, 2018 at 9:33am

I have been reading all the posts these past couple of weeks in our 70's group. My husband passed in December 2016. I yearned to connect with anyone my age that was experiencing this awful feeling of loss.I still feel this need to connect with someone, anyone who knows what such profound loss does to each and every one of us  I just needed to know that there was someone else out there that could understand the deep pain that I carry with me daily. My love for him, gone. Being a single parent, just thinking about raising our boys by myself was just too much for me. Yet, here I am-tomorrow will be 17 months since he passed...and somehow I am still here - waking the boys up everyday, making sure they are fed and getting them off to school and their activities everyday.... that is all I seem to manage..just the motions.When there is something that happens that I should be happy about - no joy, just  a puddle of tears, because he is not here to be happy with me.This group was so quiet, hardly ever a post right after he passed. Yet in this past month or two - too many are now a part of our young widow group  -  Thank you all for writing - you have helped me if only for a few moments - to not feel so alone.

Comment by linz on May 2, 2018 at 9:25am

Good Afternoon to all of you survivors today. I just want to thank you all for sharing your feelings because I have been struggling to keep my brave face lately. My husband passed away 14 months ago and I get up everyday like its groundhog day. Each one of you has said what I have been feeling and thank you for helping me not feel like I am alone on this path of grief. I'm just so sorry that you are all going through it also. But honestly reading your shares has just helped me take a deep breath and realize I am not alone. I just wanted to say thank you! 

Comment by Rob-edmonton on May 2, 2018 at 9:10am

so rare to meet widowed people who are born in 70's - and with kids living at home is a whole thing - it's such a unique feeling

Comment by MenuFalls on May 1, 2018 at 9:47pm

Hi ForeverMourning and group-  I know it’s a lot easier said than done, but we do need to pat ourselves on the back every now and then. I don’t have children, but like I said in my post, I still have to put on a brave face and go out to the world every day. As you all do as well. During your cries, and shouting, and however you are feeling, try to look at yourself and be proud of everything you’re doing. It’s really hard when you’re in deep depths of despair and you’re missing your loved ones so very much that you can’t even think straight. You just want them to come and put their arms around you and tell you everything is going to be OK. I still have those moments all the time missing Ron. I get really fed up and I have a short fuse and sometimes I’m just over it all. I don’t know why this had to happen to him, to me, to us. But just try to be strong for yourself first and be proud of yourself for all that you’ve done and that you are making it through every single day. It may not seem like a lot now, but it really is. You all rock. We’re doing the best we can under circumstances we didn’t ask for. You’re doing great!

 

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