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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Born in the  70s

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Members: 674
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Comment by AandC on Monday

@TheEDCZone

Thank you so much once again for your thoughtful words. You always help me on some of my toughest and not so tough days. :) It is nice to be able to share understand each other's feelings. 

Comment by TheEDCZone on Sunday

Hey @AandC  its tough, I know and the only thing I can tell you and you know as we have had this chat before, and many here say it, is that the pain will get easier and easier to live with, you will never forget but day by day you will be able to rebuild your life. I have had to since I lost Lisa last year on the 24th Jan 2019. I know i saw my loss coming and you didn't and that is a huge thing to come to terms with. I knew I was going to be a Widow there is no hiding from Stage 4 breast cancer and metastatic brain tumours.  Lisa prepared me for the out come as best as she could, telling me back in 2017 a week after being told she was stage 4 in a letter I needed to find someone as I am a very loving person and need that in my life.

For me it is just over 16 months since Lisa passed, in that time I have had to cope with the building of my new house, moving in and selling the old house, dealing with two teenagers and a tweenie and started working full-time again after almost 2 & 1/2 years off work being Lisa's full time carer and then leave it, as well as trying to push my own business. I don't clean the house as often as I like because I look at it and go why... its challenging.

I personally worried couldn't I find someone that would understand me, or would they be able to cope with Lisa's memory, and would they understand and possibly love my three kids, I was scared that I would have no one in my life again, because I missed having her here and being able to talk to her about my day and how i was feeling. I think some Widows miss that so much they jump at a chance to be with someone even if that person just meets a more physical side they miss and it colours your persecution for what that person is there for and their role in their life.

If you have meet a great guy, be honest to yourself and to him, do the dating game, live a little but be up front with your feelings and just take it one day at a time, you don't have to fall in love today or tomorrow, but you will when your heart and mind are at at peace and you feel it to. 

So @AandC you know you can chat with me, I wont hold your hand but I will listen and be there as a sounding board because at the end of the day you have to make the decision in life, stay strong and most of all don't beat yourself up. 

Sending my love and friendship - Jace

Comment by AandC on Sunday

I haven't written here in quite a while. I have been dealing with the loss of my husband through the waves that hit me sometimes with knowing and sometimes without. It's a struggle day to day to move on and realize that my life does have meaning. Now my worst are the fears and anxiety that builds in me. I am so lonely for companionship. I know to some, this is wrong, but I can't help it. I want and need to feel alive again. The loneliness kills me deeply. I went on dating apps just to talk and met some good men and was up front about my emotional state. Only one in particular caught my attention and heart. But, I think I pushed him away and now I feel I have made myself go backwards in time. This grieving is so painful. I miss my husband dearly and sometimes I just want to go kick his butt for leaving me so early in life. Some days, I wish God would take me after my teenage boys are settled in life as adults, but I know this is not a reality or something I should be thinking. Life is just so hard sometimes. 

Comment by Hillybub on April 30, 2020 at 9:45am

I am reading all these and realizing that as alone as I feel and no one really gets what is happening to me on the inside...I am NOT. Others are living out realities they never could have imagined....I have had a hard time finding others in the middle of their lives being completely blind sided by sudden death and left with children to raise!! I went from having more than I could ever dreamed of and being loved by soulmate perfectly. I woke up every day wondering how I could have been so blessed. But, out of NOWHERE my 44 year old always healthy, athletic beautiful husband developed a painful bloated stomach...a week of that I took him to ER to be told words I am still processing. STAGE 4 Pancreatic Cancer!!! He was gone less than 5 weeks later. It is coming up on a year and I honestly don't even remember this past year...I don't feel human anymore. It is a sickness I have been forced to live with and that sickness is called loosing the love of your life and all the dreams you had and somehow having to go on. I see that I am not the only one waking up like this every day....

Comment by Ji11bean on January 26, 2020 at 11:58am

Hello, lost my hubby Oct 30, 2019. He had been sick for 2 years. But In those two years their were definitely highs. Lots of trips. But, we knew the clock was ticking. stage 4 pancreatic cancer which had spread everywhere. It’s funny, when he actually passed, I was relieved. I truly was. We had two services in two states. I apoke

at each. No problem, I was at peace still. Mainly because we had the opportunity to live and live knowing he would die.  People just kept (and keep!) saying they are in awe of my strength. Now I’ve hit some wall. I feel very alone. Many of the friends we had together, I never hear from. I suspected I would be getting “checked on”, but it doesn’t seem to be. Lives are going on, but mine isn’t. Anyways, just wanted to introduce myself and say how sorry I am that we are all in this boat. I am so glad I found you all, I already feel better just writing this. 

Comment by Mo on December 13, 2019 at 4:07am

Hello DeeDee. So sorry you have to be a part of this group but know we’re all glad you found us. It’s been almost six years for me. Getting to know the people on this site was such a big help. Seeing that there were people that knew what I was going through was gigantic. You should also join the group for those who lost someone in 2019 if you haven’t already. 
“How do you keep breathing?”  There’s no real answer to that. You just do, but each of us are so different and yet so much the same. Time helps the most. Although when I first lost my wife I knew this but I didn’t know if I would ever see two weeks out or three months much less a year!  But it happened.
Here’s the answer. You breathe when you can. You sleep when you can. You eat when you can. Listen to your body. When it says you need to grieve then make sure you do. Function as you can. Be around people and go out in public as you can but please don’t beat yourself up when your body says it’s time to hole up and cry for a day or even a week. And don’t listen to those who can’t understand why your still grieving after such and such a time. They have no idea. But we do here. And we know the pain. We all hurt for you. And you can write your heart out here. No one will judge you. 
I wish you peace and the freedom to grieve. 

Comment by DeeDee on December 12, 2019 at 4:08pm

Some days I just want to stay in bed and cry all day but I know my late would kick my behind and say keep going gorgeous and be nice to people... how do you keep breathing? How do you wrap your head around a spouse not being here with you? I lost my love on Nov 23 2019 and I can’t move some days! I feel like I’m in robot mode...

Comment by JC6767 on September 25, 2019 at 4:38pm

KAW, I’m so sorry you lost a son also.  I completely agree that unless you lose a spouse there is no ‘getting it’.  The pain is not something I’d wish on anyone.

Comment by KAW on September 24, 2019 at 8:06pm

You are so right @JC6767

I am so glad to be here! Truly, no one knows what it is like unless they have experienced it. My husband just turned 45, 3 weeks into this ordeal. I am sorry for your loss & I also was the one who had to make the decision about the ventilator . I do have great support with friends & family, but I just know they don’t quite “get it”, they cannot know how deep & bad the pain is & there is no comparison. We lost a son 3 years ago in a wreck & that was horrid, but this hurts worse. 

Comment by JC6767 on September 24, 2019 at 7:34pm

Hi KAW,

I am so sorry for your loss.  This is a group nobody wants to belong to, but hopefully you will find comfort from others who can relate.  What a terrible ordeal and shock you went through.  Be kind to yourself, and in the first few months it helps to just breathe.  Take deep breaths.  Take one minute, hour, day at a time.  Accept or ask for help from friends and family if they offer.

I also suffered a shock from a devastating diagnosis.  My precious husband suffered an intracranial brain aneurism on his brain stem. He was healthy and it was completely unexpected.  He said he had a headache, and then started screaming from the pain while I was on the phone with the 911 operator.  He then went unconscious.  They took him to the hospital, but he remained in a coma until I was asked to make the impossible decision of pulling life support.  

After 2.5 years, it still seems surreal at times.  You will get through the grief and pain.  

Hugs to you.

Jennifer

 

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