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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Born in the 80s

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Comment by Devinbendig79 on September 3, 2020 at 2:29pm

My husband died suddenly on 8/11/2020 at the age of 45. His cause of death is undefined right now and is causing unnecessary anxiety. They said it would take up to 90 days to find out. I can't move or make any major life decisions until I have a final death certificate. I am now a 40 year old single mom of a beautiful 3 year old boy that loved his daddy and is confused. 

I found in bed with my son awake next to him. I was not home at the time of death. I feel broken, alone, and scared! I don't have family to support me during this time. 

Devin Bendig

Comment by Mel K on July 18, 2020 at 2:32pm

Kasiopeja

Thank you for sharing that link and I am so happy to hear you had a beautiful day with your son! He sounds like such a sweetheart. I am glad you and him smiled together and looked through pictures and felt good and grateful. That is a very uplifting message to read.

Comment by Kasiopeja on July 15, 2020 at 2:04am

Mel K, yesterday I tried to find the link and couldnt, but today surprisingly first thing I typed it pops :D

Here is the link for explaining the grief: 

https://twitter.com/BBCiPlayer/status/987990393437540352

Hope it helps, as it did for me.

Btw, yesterday was actually a beautiful day in the end - I had a wonderful time with my son and showing some photographs from our wedding day to him was refreshing and not sad at all. I was just keeping focus on beautiful memories and he was wondering where he was at the time. I couldnt tell him he wasnt even in the stomach as for him its a terrible thought that he once did not exist. He thinks that dinosaurus still exist even though we cannot see them :D. So, all in all I wanted to have a nice day yesterday and to think about blessings for once having him in my life and for everzthing we had together. To be grateful for being able to be that period of time with him, to have been able to make him happy and to have experienced that kind of love and happiness with him. That will never change. And because of that I am smilling today. Because I am gratefull. Hope this can help others change the perspective of a grief, if possible.... Love to all and as some Belgian once told me: "Courage" (it has even broader meaning of courage than in English) 

Comment by Mel K on July 14, 2020 at 9:42pm

Hi Kasiopeja,

I am so sorry you are alone on your 7th wedding anniversary

Thank you for writing and sharing. I like the explanation of grief that you explain from the documentary you saw. That definitely makes sense. 

I'm sorry you were so alone when this happened and felt you could not speak to anyone. 

I feel so alone. No one understands around me and I don't want to put my pain onto his other family members who are suffering as well. I am happy to have found this group and to connect with others who are willing to share their stories, their pain and offer some hope and insight. That's wonderful that you wrote poetry and felt that was perhaps some type of outlet for you pain.

Thank you for sharing

Mel

Comment by Kasiopeja on July 14, 2020 at 2:11am

Hi all and hi Mel

I am around your age and tragically have been a widow for the past 4,5 years. Today would actually been our 7th wedding aniversary.

I cannot tell you it will be better. I think I should tell you its your right and obligation to make it better for your self, for your life, for all those beautiful memories you shared with your husband and partner. Grief will never pass. I watched some BBC documentary explaining how when you lose someone your whole world shrinks to the point of a grief. How time passes, you met some new people, have some new experiences, all that is filling the life around that point of grief. Grief never changes, its there, you just build the essence around it. Then, ocassionally, around some aniversaries or memories, all those gathered new experiences shrink to that point of a grief - like you havent "moved on" at all. Then comes the next day and you start building anew. Its a life. A beauty of life. Its important to talk, share your thoughts when you feel the need or keep quiet when you want. I passed through many stages and emotions and only now maybe I can say I am just sad. I have a son, 6y now and that made a huge difference how I approach to all of this. I did not have an alternative to give up. But to understand all of the phases I experienced since I lost my husband, I think for me was of great help a book I rea: Widow To Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas For Rebuilding Your Life. I think I passed through all of the phases the author mentioned, although not in the same order. This book helped me forgive myself when I laughed or felt angry. It helped me understand my emotions and embrace my pain. although there wasnt Covid at the time, I could not spoeak with anyone about my husband as wer had a very social life with many people included and once I would start speaking about him with those peoplke they would all start crying and I would end up taking care of their grief. Therefore, I ended up without anyone to talk to about my husband, our beautiful memories, about my saddness etc. So, this book helped me understand all of that. And also, I became a poet. For 3 years I wrote songs, whatever came to my mind and its some kind of journaling, a diary. I was writting before, but never poems. Somehow, for the life I had since my husband passed, writting poems was what helped me encompass my thoughts and emotions. \In the middle of the night some emotion, memorie or desire would come to my mind and I would write it. I was expressing my saddness through that way. It helped. I do not write anymore, but today I will watch our wedding movie and some photographs and will probably cry a lot or I might go for a walk thinking about long walks I had with the best man I ever new and that is alright, and I have a right to do that. Tomorrow Ill start building some new memories, holding those womnderful ones I had with him in my heart. So, live. Cry, be angry, be sad, be happy, but never numb yourself. Feel all of the emotions and do your best to have  happy thoughts when you think about your beloved ones you lost. Connect happiness with them not saddness. If you are a believer, than you know that they are watching over you always and taking care of you. Do not waste any day not living. For them. Oh, yes, one more book helped me a lot in terms of God and "why this happend to me" - William Paul Young - The Shack 

Comment by CvilleSarah on July 13, 2020 at 6:28pm
Hi all,
Broken and Mel, I am almost 11 months out, and I'm sorry to say I'm pretty sure I'm still in the early stages of grief. I vacillate between so many different feelings within the spand of a day, sometimes an hour- anger, denial, frustration, fear, confusion. Unfortunately, everything bad and nothing good. I think that connecting with others who can possibly relate to my situation has been so key, because I really don't feel like much of anyone in my day to day life can. I have found a couple of Facebook groups that have been helpful- Grief: Releasing Pain, Remembering Love & Finding Meaning, and Young Widows Support Group. Writing has been helpful too, like posting on here, and I write my Joey a letter every night, telling him how much I love and miss him and what has gone on that day and how I feel about it,

As far as finding happiness/joy or feeling like anything will ever be okay again, I feel the same as you guys. I don't feel any of that, and all I'm doing is waiting patiently to be back with him again. I feel SO mad every day that I'm left here alone to suffer without him, like nothing about that is right because we don't belong apart. I feel like when he died, my soul died too and left with him, and it's just the shell of me left here.

Hang in there all...sending hugs and love
Comment by Mel K on July 13, 2020 at 5:40pm

Thank you for your comment Jenn

It sounds as though we suffered quite a similar experience and I am so sorry to hear about you losing the love of your life so tragically. Never to be expected and you world seems to disintegrated in one moment. 

These thoughts and pain flooding my brain and body every second of the day and completely consuming me there is a bit of comfort to know that it is normal to have all of these feelings as horrible as they are. It gets pretty dark.

I have been really feeling the need to connect with others who have had experienced this. I didn't know where to look and I'm lucky to have found this site the other day.

How are you doing almost 5 years later? Do you have more hope for the future?

I feel it's just ripped away and there is nothing that could ever make things better.

Comment by danteprayer14 on July 13, 2020 at 4:39pm

Hey Mel, 

I am sorry you are here.  It's a very odd club to be a part of, but I'm glad you found it.  

My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 35.  I found him in the bathroom after coming home from work on a normal Monday afternoon in November.   He was 52, and the love of my life.  It was the most shocking, horrible, terrible event of my life.

It will be 5 years this November.  

Everything you said here is what I felt and what I went through, if that helps to know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. 

If you want to talk to someone, I am totally here!

Jenn

Comment by Mel K on July 13, 2020 at 2:52pm

Hi Everyone,

Firstly I am so sorry for each and everyone here for the loss you've endured. We are all here with broken hearts.

I have just discovered this site. I wish I didn't need to, but here I am looking for any resources or anyone to talk to after my husband suddenly and unexpectedly passed away in our bed on June 11th. Just a month ago now and I'm both shocked and traumatized. I am suffering greatly with the images replaying in my head from how I found him and thinking he was playing a joke on me that he was sleeping laying there stiffly. Until I turned the lights on and saw the reality. The screams that came out of me were something I would have never thought could come out of a human and still as I get smacked in the face with the reality multiple times a day or middle of the night the pain pouring out of me is uncontrollable. I just turned 34 and my husband would have been turning 45 this Wednesday July 15th. I wanted to spoil him with a "birthday month" as he had just done for me. The most loving sweetest man on this earth and he was ripped away and I don't have any answers. The night before we poured a glass of wine and cheers'd to us...to the hard work he has been doing (reno's around our dreamhome we just bought together last august) and to me (in full-time school) and to our amazing future we were building. Next on the plan was to have a baby...he wanted to have a baby more than anything with me and I told him we have to wait until I complete school. When I met this man I knew part of me had been missing my whole life. I don't have any idea how to cope with the loss of him and at this point the loss of myself and my sense of self and calm and being whole. To try and not be afraid and feel so completely alone.. I feel this is most likely very common thoughts. 

Last Thursday morning was 1 month to the day I found him. Waking up a month later at that same time I realized that at that moment I thought my life was great and little did I know my husband was upstairs and had died hours prior. I layed in bed on this past Thursday with horrible pains in my chest and back, it felt as if my heart was being ripped in half. I knew this man was my soulmate and ours souls had been connected somehow some way before we ever even met. No one truly thinks that can happen to them and it does. I have had very vivid dreams of him. I sit here today having one of the worst days I have ever experienced. Knowing our next step in life was to be picking out a babies crib and not his urn. The world feels very sick and twisted to me now. Physically and emotionally I'm shaking and nerves are shot. Unable to eat much of anything or sleep unless I take something to help. I wonder now where is he why don't I feel him around? and also what is the purpose of all this cruelty. Amazing human beings leaving the earth so young or so tragically. I am an very open person and I hope that with expressing all of these things with each other we can be helpful in some way to one another. Possibly similar experiences and levels of trauma. Where or how does life go on from here? Getting through each minute of the day is the only thing I can do and then re-do that the following day. There is no enjoyment in a single thing. I'm not sure if any of these feelings or normal or not. 

It is so horrible with this pandemic that we have isolated from all friends and family and that felt like a loss for months. We cried quite a few times missing hugging and seeing our families. Now they missed out on seeing him for months already. It's devastating to watch others in pain over him as well. At times I feel I will burden them with my sadness when they have their own grieving to do.

Comment by Mandie on July 10, 2020 at 10:09pm

Hi @brokeninsd219. I am so sorry you have found yourself here on this group and especially in the midst of a global pandemic, but I am also so happy you have found this group! I wish I had located something like this in the early stages of my loss. (5 years on the 19th July!!) I lost my husband to Melanoma cancer when I was 31, he was only 38. I really wanted to connect with people who are also young and in this situation. Sharing from what I found helped me: allow yourself to feel, grieve, be sad, but then go do something that will help lift your spirits. Find things that make you "mildly happy" I found for a long time I felt like an empty hollow shell and nothing made me really laugh or happy, but going and exercising and escaping to the beach to watch sunsets did help. I also went and spoke weekly and then fortnightly to a councillor. Talking out loud about everything that happened really helped me process all the jumble of emotions going on in my head and heart. I used to say I was going to the doctor. Because our minds are a battlefield and they need taking care of and more so in the time of grief. Also know, that it's ok to say no. Be kind to yourself and know it's ok to not attend things that feel hard or will set you off. Your real friends will understand. (Although with COVID we are limited on what we can do). Hope some of this helps. Will have you in my thoughts, Amanda x

 

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