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Born in the 80s

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Members: 232
Latest Activity: 4 hours ago

Comment Wall


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Comment by TorontoLucy 4 hours ago

Hi everyone, just wanted to say hello and introduce myself. I lost my husband to cancer 2 weeks ago, he was 39, I am 33. "Jack" and I were newlyweds, this week we would have celebrated our 1st anniversary although we have been together for almost 3 years. The first couple of weeks have been rough. I have been doing a lot of paperwork for the estate and to tidy up his affairs and otherwise keeping myself busy with friends and activities. I am scared of what happens when I go back to "normal" life and have to be alone in my house with my thoughts and no one to distract me from my grief. I know we all have to trek through the pain, but it's dreadful. My biggest problem is running through his illness in my mind, what we should have done, could have done, whether he would still be alive had we found out and acted sooner. And I replay his final two weeks over and over again. He was so weak, I was carrying him around. Previously he had been able to talk, walk, tend to his emails, etc. Finally, he died and we went through CPR and the arrival of paramedics and police. It didn't work.

Like many of you have said, it sucks to lose your spouse no matter what but it's very isolating as a young widow. all my friends are married, in long term relationships, starting families etc and I am back to ground zero. Although I know there is hope I'll still get to have the life I want, it's just hard to know I have to do it without Jack. We had planned for such an awesome life together. So unfair. No one should have to go through caregiving and losing a spouse so traumatically prior to age 80, but here we are.

I hope to get to know all of you better over the next little while. I am a fan of online support as I'm especially vulnerable at night (can't sleep) and just read post after post validating what I am feeling. 

Comment by agh1468 on Sunday

I recieved a lot of positive respones to my last post. At the time I really just needed to get my feelings out of my head but I'm happy to know that it had such a positive effect on people. 

Comment by Dana77 on Sunday

Your post is the best thing I've read since becoming a widow 5 months ago.  You're like my soul sister. Seriously.  Those hashtags are everything. I hope writing it and getting it out has helped some. At least for tonight. 

Comment by agh1468 on Sunday
I don't know WTF is going on with me. Today I had the need for a Jamail overload. Today I celebrated his 30th Bday with his sisters and best friend. While I wantedto be happy, all I keep thinking is that he should be here. He almost made it. He was a mth away. That would have been 30 more days we had together. I joined a few days ago. I was looking for a support community and I'm happy that I finally found one but at the same time I have to say to see that so many people are still so devastated 2,3,4 yrs out makes me look forward to the future even less. I just want to cuddle up with him. Have one of his hugs. Make love again. I could say one more time but that's not true I want it forever. It's like somebody came by and chopped off an arm and a leg, gave you a lackluster apology, let you cry for a few days and then sent you to work on Monday because it'll "heal over time". When the truth of the matter is yes it'll heal but you'll still be functionally handicapped at the end of the day. I think we're all on the site for the same reason. We're looking for comfort. Some sense of that elusive comfort. Something that will FINALLY make us feel better about this tragedy that has just happened. Rescue us from our pain and misery. In all honesty I don't know that there is anything that will do that. Kind words are always appreciated, similar stories help us not feel so alone and like minds ward off the fear of judgment. But let's be honest we just want them back. Some of us are waiting on some scientist to find out how to get to alternate dimensions so that we can go and find our loves again, me included,lol! But we have to face it. Not gonna happen! For the last 4 weeks I've been irritated and rolling my eyes when people would say "Jamail would want you to be happy". I felt like screaming "Of course he would want me to be happy! He wanted that when he was still alive. Why would that change because he died?! He also wanted to Be Like Mike. Who gives a shit?! We're not talking about him, we're talking about me and my misery. Just let me have my misery!!"
Dramatic? Yes, but that's how I feel. But I'm learning that we each have to find that thing that gives us comfort. While it may be different for all of us, one thing that I think we can agree on is that doing things that would make them happy is something that would give us all comfort. And being strong, pushing through the tears, getting up everyday and facing this shit head on would make them extremely proud. So that's my goal. I'm positive some days I'll fail miserably but it won't stop me from trying. This doesn't mean overlook or disregard the pain just push threw it. Let's face it, do we really have a choice? Tomorrow's coming whether we like it or not. So we may as well make an attempt at happiness. Disclaimer: I'm a widow so I'm subject to dramtic mood swings and random crying fits. In other words I reserve the right to completely change my mind tomorrow. :-/ #widowhoodbites #dontjudge #caniapplyforahandicapsticker?
Comment by jlfair on Friday

My name is Jessica and I'm 28 with a little girl who just turned four. The love of my life passed away on December 9th 2014 from a unknown heart condition. We were together 12 years and married for almost 8. I wish I had found this support group sooner. Know one understands and I'm feeling more alone because no one really talks about him anymore besides my daughter and I. I'm trying my best to keep his memory alive for her.
Comment by Carol K on Thursday

I had 7 months to prepare for Alan's passing so I cannot imagine how you must feel.  However, when the brain tumor was in full growth it changed Alan's personality.  I had to deal with a lot of hurt feelings during that time.  What I am thankful for though, is that during our 15 years together I took the time to not just hear the words he said, but to hear the meaning behind them.  If Alan said something hurtful he didn't mean to be hurtful.  It was usually said because he was hurting inside.  I never held the hurtful things he said against him.  I'm sure Jamail felt and knew your love for him.  I'm not sure if it helps, but sometimes if you think of the love you felt from them even in those tough times I'm sure he felt the same love from you.

Comment by Lisa864 on Thursday
Hi Alicia, I am in the same situation and feeling the same things. It's very hard with a sudden death, but what has helped me is to look at the entire relationship instead of just the last day or month or whenever. To do this I went through old love letters and pictures. People also told me that fights are normal in marriages and that the only difference is that most people don't have to deal with a spouse dying so young. I have no idea if this will help at all, but know that you are not alone!
Comment by Hopeful30 on September 29, 2015 at 11:50pm
Alicia... I know exactly what your saying. My heart goes out to you. One of the biggest challenges I personally have faced has been forgiving myself for how things were between my husband and I before he choose to end his struggle at the tender age of 24. We had fought just days before he really fell ill and in my anger I even told him I wished he would go die somewhere :'(. Guilt can eat at you. I think in some ways you have to go through it as part of your healing, BUT don't let guilt consume you. We all would have done things differently if we had known what was coming, but we all thought we would have tomorrow to say I'm sorry, tell our loved ones we care, etc. Your path to healing is your own, and do what works best for you. You will find a lot of kindered friends here. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Comment by agh1468 on September 29, 2015 at 9:49pm

Hello All,

My name is Alicia. I'm a 31yr old, now single mother of a 4yr old. My best friend and love of my life passed away Aug 28th, 2015 unexpectedly from a genetic heart condition that we never knew he had. We had been together for 7yrs. I'm so happy to find this support group!! I'm very close with my family but they live pretty far away from me. And while I love my family they just don't understand my loss. Especially at such a young age. I've been looking for support groups for young widows but there are little to none. Maybe that's because as younger people the concept of people dying at our age just seems like such a foreign concept. It certainly never occurred to me until it happened. The thing I'm struggling with now is that before Jamail passed away he and I were not on the best terms in our relationship. So the last year of our relationship had been rocky. We were still madly in love with each but we were letting the stress of life and finances cause us to fight over what I now realize were such petty things. I said things I regret. And now he's gone. We always thought we had time. We always thought that we'd have the next day to kiss and make up. But tomorrow never came. Now I'm filled with so regret for wasting what I now know we're the last mths, days, hrs of our time together arguing over things that ultimately didn't matter. I feel so guilty. I don't know how to move forward. I feel like I'm in shoulda, coulda, woulda hell!!

Comment by onmyown2014 on September 13, 2015 at 4:03pm

Hi Jess - I'm glad that you signed up for this site.  I lost my wife about 9 months ago.  We were only married for a year, but we were together overall for 14 years.  I don't have any friends who have gone through what I've experienced in 2015, and it's been difficult.  I've gotten closer to a few, and become distant from others.  It seems like there's no part of my life that hasn't been turned upside down because of Amy's death.  I struggle with the fact that I won't be the same person as I was when she was alive.  It's strange to be rediscovering yourself at this point in life.  It sounds like you have a bit of strength and/or resolve, and that's good.  Hope you, and everyone, are having as good a weekend as possible.


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