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Born in the 80s

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Comment by kziss 4 hours ago

loquaciousloki, Thanks for sharing your adventures in dating. It's hard to find a happy medium at times. When I first started dating my late husband he wouldn't call me his girlfriend and say we were official until like a year and a half later. So when this new guy just assumed we were that right away I was thrown for a loop. What I can say to you is that all you can do in this very short life is make yourself happy and surround yourself with goodness. If this new guy is good for you and he gets you then it may not be terrible to have a title to the relationship. This does not mean you would be getting married again or having kids. Life is so precious and short that I just encourage you to be happy and do whatever it is that makes you happy. Try not to get to hung up on the mistakes and trials of your past relationships. I don't know if any of that makes since lol.  My new bf and I just celebrated 3 months together and he is super awesome and supportive and I'm crazy about him so maybe it's just me being in my love phase but I say go for it! Good luck!

Comment by loquaciousloki 4 hours ago

It's nice to see some other people dating within the year. I'll be 8 months out July 3rd and about 2 months ago I decided that I was done moping and wanted to have some fun. I wanted to be a normal 27 year old for a change instead of a young widow. I went on a few dates and even went home with a couple of men (because even though my husband I still had needs). It was fun and low pressure. I don't want to remarry and have children. My marriage was stressful since my husband was battling depression and I'm just not ready for that. I warn everyone I see that it's casual. For the other 2 men I saw, this worked well.

Now I saw a new guy once or twice, but we text almost constantly. He gets my sense of humor and it's fun to flirt and talk to someone new. He's not pushy and since his on again/off again girlfriend died of cancer in January, he got that it would be casual and understands when I'm feeling down. Only problem is that last night he pointed out that the texts seemed a little "relationshippy" for someone who said that she wasn't interested in anything serious. He said he's up for anything and was happy to see where it goes or he would do whatever I needed to avoid it becoming more.

I'm really glad I have therapy today, because I am very confused now.

Comment by CGPandMe yesterday

BeckyT - Oh sweetheart.  We definitely all have those days, and you're so early in your loss.  At three months it's all just becoming "real."  

In these early days, please be gentle with yourself.  What you are going through is so foreign, so painful, so.....unfair.  Self judgement comes easy, and thoughts of what our spouses would think comes almost easier than that.  The truth of it is that YOU are the one having to sift your way through this, and that you are doing the best you can.  That's all anyone can ask for.  So try your best to tell that voice in your head to sit down, shut up, and to give you a break.  Take this one day, one hour, one moment at a time.  Give yourself some space, try your best to breathe, and be gentle....

Comment by BeckyT yesterday

Today has been really hard on me and it's not even lunchtime yet! :( Today is the 3 month mark for me and I'm taking it really hard. I've been thinking a lot about my husband and I feel like I've been such a disgrace to him over the last few weeks. Its just me and our 7 year old daughter so a lot of times, she has spent the night at her friend's houses so its just been me. I'm lonely and sad and reckless, maybe even self-destructive. I'm not suicidal, not anywhere even remotely close, but I'm going places and doing things that I never would have done if my husband were still here. I'm stronger than this and I know that but im putting it on the table and seeing it for what it is and I'm just so sad and maybe even more embarrassed. I know better. I am better than this. And I've been moving forward and not wallowing in despair, but I guess today is just one of "those" days...I need my "grief burst" and then I can just suck it up and keep moving.


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Comment by kziss on Wednesday

Wow Lolo1122. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so nice to hear in a way that others are in similar positions as I am. All of my friends are married or having babies now and here I am a widow at 30. It's hard for them to relate to where I'm at and what life is like after. Not having a child with my husband Mike was one of my biggest regrets and it leaves you in a awkward spot. Where do I go now. I'm so young is giving up it all what Mike would of wanted absolutely not. I think it's wonderful that you are refusing to let life end because your husband's did. It some days has to be a constant thing to repeat to yourself. When you do find yourself ready to move forward it's been nothing but a wonderful experience for me so far. I pray that you will be able to find some happiness and find someone that understands all that you have been threw. Thanks for reaching out. I'm not much further along in this grief journey then you are so if you ever want to chat or email please let me know. 

Comment by Lolo1122 on Wednesday

Kziss, I think we all feel crazy every day, at least I do! My husband was also 30 when he died about 5 months ago, and I am 31. We did not have kids yet and I think that adds a different level of difficulty.  While I personally am not ready to date yet, I recognize that I do still want to get married again and start a family. With our age and the fact that we already started on that path, it leaves us in a really strange place when our husbands and wives died. I think that if you feel ready then that is what you should do! One thing I keep saying is that my life shouldn't end because my husbands did.  If I stop living my life, then cancer took two lives the day Matt died. After experiencing such a horrible loss I'm sure it feels really good to have something positive that you are excited about!

Comment by WidowerAndOne on Wednesday

Kziss, I can identify, almost to the letter, what you've went through, and are currently experiencing.  My wife had Cystic Fibrosis, and we were able to spend 12 years together, most of the time she was in and out of the hospital, save for a 2.5 year "good" era after her first lung transplant.

She died last November, and as of today, I am packing to fly to Texas to spend a weekend with my girlfriend.  Sarah and I are both writers for the Widow's Voice blog.  Sarah is featured every Sunday, and I write every other Tuesday.  If you browse through it, we have discussed meeting (at Camp Widow) and falling for each other as widows through our writing as well.  http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

I cannot speak to your current person, but what I can say is that Sarah and I each have the utmost respect and reverence for Drew (her late fiance) and Megan (my late wife), and that has made it immensely easier to have a strong relationship without feeling like we have "baggage".  You should never have that feeling, whether you are dating a widower or not. Otherwise, at 30, and having been married and through a tough fight with disease, you are a stronger and wiser person than you probably know.  If you feel you are ready to date, then you're ready to date.  

So no, you are NOT crazy, in my opinion!

Comment by kziss on Wednesday

I'm new to this site and group. I also have never blogged before. So please bare with me. My husband passed away in December after fighting cancer for 5 years. Our entire marriage was chemo and radiation treatments followed by surgery after surgery. It was a terrible thing to lose the person you think you are going to grow old with and going to be partners with forever. I husband was 30 when he dies and I was 29. Now at 30 and 6 months later I am in a new relationship and it is so amazing. Can it really be possible to fall in love again and to be able to commit again. At 30 I want to be remarried and to have children and a future full of hope. Am I crazy to be in this spot at this time? Any thoughts on the subject of dating after death and remarriage after death is much appreciated.

Comment by CandJ02 on June 13, 2015 at 11:13pm

Thank you both! I'm going to talk to my doctor and look into the EMDR--it sounds like something I would like to try! 

 

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