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Born in the 80s

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Members: 367
Latest Activity: Oct 20

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Comment by LCMJ on October 14, 2018 at 3:29am

Hello everyone.  I am new here, my husband died during a workplace accident almost 5 months ago. We have 2 young children. I am so lost and just don't know what to do.  Its been almost impossible to find similar aged people going through the same things so this group hopefully will be good for me. 

Comment by danteprayer14 on October 12, 2018 at 6:31pm

Hi everyone.  It's been awhile since I posted and I thought perhaps sharing where I have been and where I'm at now might help someone.   It's also a funny time to do this - as you learn below.

It will be 3 years since Tom died on Nov 9 - when I was 35. We never had kids - just cat kids.   However, on Sunday, it will be our wedding anniversary and so starts the dark time between Oct 14 until our birthdays ( a week apart)  in March occur.  Year 1 was ok.  Year 2 was worse and I don't know why.  I thought that I had experienced depression, but I never really knew what it was until last year.  I vowed that 2018 would be different, somehow.  I just didn't want to go through another year like 2017.  

It was like year 2 the reality really really hit.  People stopped being concerned or sensitive about my situation.  Life went back to a rhythm, but it was really out of sync and uncomfortable.  I did a lot on autopilot.  I am also good at my job - and yet it was not enough.  It was pretty much all I had left - the thing that didn't change when everything else did. The quote below " I need more so I have a reason to live" resonates with me so much.  In 2018 I vowed to change things.  I did a lot of things I knew I needed to do - things that scared the crap out of me.  I took a few more risks.  I worked on all the other relationships I had in my life and worked to make them better and closer.   I worked hard at the issues I had with Tom (he died suddenly, so no time to work anything out) and worked to really say goodbye to him.   And what I mean by that is not just a goodbye to the physical part of him, but goodbye to the feelings I had, the crying, the longing.  It was hard.  But somehow I just knew if I held on, I was scared I would get to a point where I never would let go.  

I'm taking the biggest step tomorrow.  This is my last night in the apartment we shared together - the apartment where he died.  I'm moving to a much nicer place, and moving to a new town we never lived in together.  This will be my place, my home, my town.   I will still work here and drive back and forth.  I'll slowly move over and clean this place before I hand the keys back, so I assume there will be some crying in that bathroom and a final farewell.

I guess I just want to say, year 3 was a lot better.  I laugh a lot.  I am learning to appreciate other people in my life for what they DO bring me and how they love me.  I do secretly kinda enjoy being alone now - listening to my own music, watching my own movies, picking out the girly bedspreads, choosing the apartment and the car he would have said NO to.  Eating the foods he hated and I loved.   Don't get me wrong, there are days I am so angry he died and left me alone.  Days where I just don't want to adult one more thing and I wish to god he was here to take some of the load off.   But I am appreciative that I am still here and I'm still standing and I'm still stubbornly working through it.  

Hugs and love to all of you tonight.  You are in my thoughts. 

Comment by BabushkaD (Debbie) on October 12, 2018 at 5:48pm

I am coming up on two years since Shane died. He went into the hospital 10/16/2016, 10/18 was our 2nd wedding anniversary, and he died 10/30. I have a 11 year old; Shane was his step-dad. His own dad lives in another state, abused my son on multiple occasions, hence my divorce when my son was 3. His dad did not actually lose his rights or shared custody in the end, so I keep my son as protected from him as possible. 

I am 33. I got married on my half-birthday (silly me), so my birthday April 18 is a hard day as well since I think of how it is connected to my wedding anniversary to Shane. I don't know where you are from, but in Denver I have been able to find an in-person young widowed group. People mostly 45 and under, some with kids, some without, some who were married, some engaged, some who didn't have a label, but had planned a future together. We have talked a lot about how people our age do not get it. I have been both divorced and widowed, and believe me, while getting divorced at 26 and being a single mom made me feel super old, being widowed at 31 and becoming a solo mom made me feel ancient. Whether you think you ever want a partner again or not is not anyone's business, but people treat young widows in a way they wouldn't treat anyone else. People don't tell someone who has a child die, Oh don't worry about Ashley, you'll forget her once you have a new baby. When your dad dies, people don't say, don't worry, you're young, you'll find a new one. And no one is telling Grandma to just get out there and date again.

I don't know if you do Facebook, but there are good support groups there. One is called Support Group: Young, Widowed and Dating (even though many of the people are in no way looking to date-it's named after the founders blog). I can tell you that I had a harder time at 13 months, because it felt like I'd accomplished something passing year 1, but then I fell into a funk of "What now? Is this it? I'm still grieving. I don't have a plan, or goals, I'm just surviving. I need more, so I have a reason to live."

I hope my meandering post at least helps you know there are others out here who relate.

Comment by thiswitch on October 12, 2018 at 4:31pm

Hi Everyone. It has been 13 months for me and I feel like I am stuck in such a dark place. I put on a great face, but inside life just feels so meaningless without my husband. Work felt great for the last couple weeks, it was so nice to know my brain still worked and feel competent and smart. But after a couple weeks it hit me - yes, I am good at my job. But so what. I have no one to share it with. My cheerleader is gone. I don't know how I am supposed to move forward at 35 - I turn 36 in a few months and it terrifies me. I am officially going to be on the other side of 35 and it feels like such a weird age to be a widow. I have no interest in moving forward and dating, I am still so in love and in a relationship in my mind. It kills me when people try to relate by saying "oh I know, when my husband and I got divorced...." NOT. THE. SAME. I am not sure what the point of this post it - I suppose I feel the need to reach out to those in my age group. How are you coping? I don't have kids. It is hard to know what the point of anything is anymore. 

Comment by Maria on September 5, 2018 at 1:01am

Hi Sar_ML,

I can't even imagine how much it hurts that you survived the accident. Fighting for your life has a whole new meaning especially when the grief cards are stacked against you. My husband died in an accident when our daughter was 9mos old. She's 8 now and I'm guessing you wish you two didn't make it either. 

The path ahead isn't anything I'd wish on anyone. I was quickly pretty angry with everyone in the world and isolated myself since noone could possibly understand.  They have their own shit going on like taking daily routine crap for granted. I can't even begin to tell you the stupid things you're going to hear from the world you used to be in. I refer to it as the before time. 

Some sense of relief, not that you want to but you'll see how powerful and strong you can be. No way you wanted to find this out about yourself.  I've become desensitized from other's tragedies, s/a a pet dies, they get divorced... as nothing seems to compare to your entire world being swallowed up.

You've found a good place here where people get it. 

There's no getting through it, you're forever changed. You learn how to survive it in a new way everyday. Try not to let guilt get too much of you. And fake it to keep your daughter strong when you must. You're not alone.

Maria

Comment by Sar_ML on September 3, 2018 at 12:55pm

Hi everyone, I joined recently and have been working up the nerve to start posting in groups myself because I still feel nauseous when I start actually typing it. Never imagined this would happen to us so young and to be honest I haven’t really accepted or become used to this new status yet. To sum things up - earlier this summer my husband, our little girl  and myself were in a bad accident that took my husband’s life and sent us to the hospital. We are now trying to recover/adapt one day at a time to as I try to cope and adjust to our new unplanned reality...I haven’t met anyone in my age group in this situation. No one really understands and I feel completely overwhelmed and desperate  to connect with people here who do. I’m heartbroken that we are here but it feels like it will be helpful in having so many others to lean on. Thanks for listening. Hugs to all for what you’re all going through...

 

Comment by Bruna.in.pain on August 23, 2018 at 7:52am

Hello everyone.

I´m Bruna and I lost my husband 22 days ago.

I´m also new here and I´m completely lost. Any kind of help is welcome

Thank you

Comment by CinaBina on July 27, 2018 at 9:25am

Hello everyone, I am new to this website.  My husband unexpectedly passed away June 2018 and I'm hating my life.  Food doesn't taste right, things I use to enjoy I'm not liking, I get annoyed easily.  My attitude towards life is kind of like "I don't care".  Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Comment by Maria on May 30, 2018 at 12:07pm

Greetings, I'm glad I found this website. It's been 7.5 yrs since my best friend in the world died in an accident. Lots of ups and downs in the process raising our daughter solo who just turned 8. Wishing you well today, Maria 

Comment by Anchor82 on March 20, 2018 at 7:55pm

Danteprayer14 you nailed it.  Well said.  Hug those kids.  Theyre little balls of positive energy and love.   They'll "drive" you crazy and at the same time give you all the "drive" you need.  Thats what I find at least      

 

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