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Born in the 80s

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Comment by lnickles34 (LaShunda) on November 13, 2015 at 4:38pm

My husband passed away on October 18th from a massive heart attack. I miss him so much. I am taking it a day at a time because I am learning more that it is a daily process.

I visited my husband's grave on Veterans day and felt an incredible peace. My husband was a Veteran who proudly served his Country. He was also a loving father, husband, and a man of faith. I definitely miss doing ministry with him.

I am learning that the more I talk about the memories of my husband and about the type of man he was really helps me healed through my grieving process. I love spraying his cologne on me so that I can have his scent.

I miss my husband so much. We were always together as if we were one person. I would never wish this pain on anyone. Even with tears in my eyes, I can still smile because I am grateful for the time we had together.

Comment by Carol K on November 2, 2015 at 2:43pm

I understand completely.  It really is okay to tell someone thanks for inviting me but I want to stay home alone.  Maybe you'll feel up to going next time.  I don't think I left the house much the first few months after losing Alan and I still don't feel like being social with people Alan and I shared as friends.  Sometimes it is just too painful.  I've made some friends through some Meet Ups in my area that never knew Alan so in those environments I'm just Carol.  I'm not Alan's Wife, or Alan's Widow.  Those activities are the easiest ones to attend.  I still don't like grocery shopping and seeing foods I used to buy for him or his favorite beer.  I don't like seeing his/hers sets of things.  I don't like eating out because you usually see couples, so now if I go out, and I try to do this alone once a month, I go sit at the bar of the restaurant and try to be social with someone next to me.  If they are nice, I'm nice back.  If they annoy me, I tell them so and move.  What are the chances I'll see them again.  I'm not good at "playing nice" as my late mother used to call it.  My feelings are still too raw to "play nice".  Alan and I did Civil War reenacting together for 8 years.  I went to an event to give the group he was a part of the donations that came in to them at his funeral.  While I was there I was told they were doing a ceremony to honor Alan.  It took my all to be there in the first place.  It was a place I kept thinking I saw him.  My mind was having a hay day with me.  When I told them they were rude and insensitive because he hadn't even been gone a month and they were doing a ceremony and hadn't asked the widow if it was okay or thought to invite her.  I told them I would not be staying.  Many told me I needed to just be strong and stick it out.  I'd had enough.  I looked at the group and told them all to kiss it.  I told them I have to live this nightmare every day.  Not just at events I used to share with him.  I lived it for the 6 months I was watching him die of cancer.  I told them to go back to their lives where it won't matter that Alan is gone and I'll go back to a new normal for me that will NEVER be normal again.  Well, since that incident I've only had one of the group check on me...guess I told them off good.  Needless to say - sometimes it is better to follow your gut and stay home.  I am much more at peace at home with my own feelings than out in public trying to "play nice".  When the time it right you'll feel like going to a party or a dinner, but only go if you feel up to it with it is time to go.  Don't go anyway because you said you would.  I tried to go to a wedding a few weeks ago - I made it in the front door of the Church and feel apart. I should have followed my gut instead of pushing myself and causing a scene.  Stay strong for yourself and your son.  If that means staying home then stay home.  True friends and loved ones will understand.  Others will blow away like the leaves in the fall.

Comment by agh1468 on November 2, 2015 at 1:31pm
PLEASE DON'T INVITE ME... Sooooo here's the thing. It's only been 2 mths since I became a widow and a single mom of one so I'm still at a very fragile state. I hate to admit that but it's the honest truth. I don't know where I'll be at 6mths or even in a year but today I'm still a functioning mess. Unfortunately I still have  to get up everyday and live life. Make sure that I am the best parent that I can be for my son. But it's hard. I've already had several of what I now call the Get It Over With moments. His birthday, his sister's birthday, which by the way consisted of 2 couples and ME. Alone, fifth wheel. Beautiful night ;-)! Not in the least. Now, last night I survived a Halloween party. I say survived because that's what I feel like I narrowly did. Smfh. I just feel like the odd ball out in these situations. I just don't want to be in the middle of everyone else's happy families and relationships right now! And I feel like it just reinforces to my son the fact that his father isn't here when he's already struggling with trying to understand the concept of death. I know I sound like a scrooge but whatever. Bah Hum Bug!! I'm just not ready for that right now but everyone keeps inviting me out thinking that it's a nice thing to do. They want to make sure I'm included. But honestly it's like rubbing salt in a fresh wound, it hurts. It's hard to explain. I don't hate other people for being in love and still having their families in tact but I DO resent not having mine anymore. I know my family and friends are doing this out of love but God I want to say PLEASE DON'T INVITE ME! If I try to say no then it's like the world ended. I feel like Other people want me to be "better" and "get over it" just "go back to the old me" so quickly. What I think they haven't grasped just yet is that the "old me" is gone. This life altering experience has changed me forever. Honestly I don't even know who the new me is just yet. I think it's important that our family/friends understand that as much as they don't know what to say or do neither do we! This whole experience has been forced upon us. And right now I know I'm being more emotional than logical but it's how I feel. I can't help it. I'm not crazy, I know I can't avoid these situations forever but I WILL CHOSE when it's time. To be perfectly honest the thing I want the most is to just be left alone to be able to process this in my own way, in my own time. Of course I get lonely and sad but I honestly feel the strongest when I can just be alone and purge those feelings that I have to keep under lock and key. The reality of our current situations is sad but it is our new lives. So as much as I appreciate the thought PLEASE DON'T INVITE ME! #NoRSVP #Deathtocouplesdates #NoIdidnthaveagoodtime
Comment by TorontoLucy on October 10, 2015 at 12:02am

I agree - you hit the nail on the head agh1468! Thanks so much for your post. Three weeks ago tonight my husband died. I've been pretty good at putting on the "I'm okay" demeanour around people but lately I've been finding that I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to cry in my bedroom, in the car, behind my sunglasses. Because everyone sees me not wailing and sobbing, I think they assume I'm "doing fine" and likely some are judging me for not grieving enough. I'm so glad I am reading all these online posts and blogs, it's so insanely helpful to know that I can call people out for judging my grieving process. Like when my mom said I haven't opened up to her, I responded, "yeah, I have a therapist for that! I don't want to be with people all the time" I don't know why we push ourselves to be so strong in public, not cry or act the way we feel around friends and try to make others more comfortable. I think it's years of looking like someone who has it together, I'm just trying to keep up that image.

I want people to keep checking in on me and asking how I am, but I also get angry when they ask because what the hell am I supposed to say..."yeah, I'm good, the man I had planned to spend the rest of my life with who I am madly in love with has just left my life forever, but I'm cool."? Usually I give the "I'm okay" line, tell some jokes like agh1468 mentioned and as soon as I can retreat, cry silently.

I honestly think I'm not trying to be strong or tough in front of people, I just push the horrible thoughts, images and pain as far back as I can so I don't feel the need to breakdown until something triggers me (doesn't take much). People always want to comfort us, which sounds like I'm being so cruel, they are just trying to help but I wish they'd understand there is no comforting for us. You can hug us and say it'll be okay, calm down, but it is not ok. We go home alone to our thoughts, they go home to their spouses and normal lives. I'm sick of the pretending, but what the heck are we supposed to do? I need to hold it together so I can keep on working and making money to support myself. They'll banish me from work if I acted the way that I feel. I literally can't sleep because the night time is when the emotions I pretended not to have or hid throughout the day by distracting myself come streaming out. I can't just shut my eyes and sleep.

Someone said something below about it being disheartening to hear that those of us 2, 3 and 4 years out are still hurting so much. I agree, I think if I still miss him this much 3 years down the road, I will be totally non functional.

Comment by jlfair on October 9, 2015 at 10:39pm
Agh1468---- All I can say is Amen! You have it spot on. Thank you for having the words to express how we all feel. It's 10 months today and no one even bothers to ask how I'm doing any more because I've pretended so long that everything is.

This poem by Henry Scott-Holland written in the 1800's makes me cry and feel better all at the sametime....I hope it means something to you too in a comforting way.

Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again
Comment by agh1468 on October 9, 2015 at 10:30pm
And the Oscar goes too...All us widows. I should really get a SAG card for the performance I've pulled over the last 6 weeks. I go to work, laugh with co-workers, tell jokes. I smile graciously and tell anyone who asks I'm okay because "I don't have a choice". Nodding my head in agreement when people say "God doesn't give you more than you can bare". But all the while I'm a fucking mess. I rush my son into daycare so that I can get back to my car to cry. I leave things in my car so that I have a reason to go back and sob. Feeling so lonely and sad it hurts. Constantly reliving the day he died in my head. And having that same 1 fucking thought that haunts me everyday "Omg, he's gone. He's REALLY gone and I'll NEVER see, talk or touch him again. And there's NOTHING I can do to fix it." I've never felt more helpless in my life.
And while we're feeling all of this, we also feel like we have to hide our pain. Don't let them see us cry anymore, not even the kids. I mean it's been a month so I'm sure people are so over it, right? Make sure we don't sound too sad. Make sure we get out of the house so that people don't think we're too lonely. And why is that??? At this moment in our lives we really shouldn't give a damn what other people think! If nothing else, we've earned the right to feel whatever we feel just for gathering the strength to get out of bed everyday! What?! Are we afraid people will say we're unstable? We are! We can't let go? We can't! They can't believe we're still crying? Welp, believe it! Because it's stressing me out pretending to be okay to make everyone else feel more comfortable around me. So guess what, if it makes me feel better I'm doing it! He IS the love of my life and the father of my only child. The least I can do is cry for him. Believe me, I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel this sad but IT IS sad! Widowhood doesn't come with a fucking manual. So don't let anyone dictate how, when, what or for how long you feel whatever you feel. Just feel it. If I've learned nothing else, this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. #breakoutyournikes #thisISmorethatIcanbare #buyingstockinkleenex
Comment by TorontoLucy on October 6, 2015 at 11:31pm

Hi everyone, just wanted to say hello and introduce myself. I lost my husband to cancer 2 weeks ago, he was 39, I am 33. "Jack" and I were newlyweds, this week we would have celebrated our 1st anniversary although we have been together for almost 3 years. The first couple of weeks have been rough. I have been doing a lot of paperwork for the estate and to tidy up his affairs and otherwise keeping myself busy with friends and activities. I am scared of what happens when I go back to "normal" life and have to be alone in my house with my thoughts and no one to distract me from my grief. I know we all have to trek through the pain, but it's dreadful. My biggest problem is running through his illness in my mind, what we should have done, could have done, whether he would still be alive had we found out and acted sooner. And I replay his final two weeks over and over again. He was so weak, I was carrying him around. Previously he had been able to talk, walk, tend to his emails, etc. Finally, he died and we went through CPR and the arrival of paramedics and police. It didn't work.

Like many of you have said, it sucks to lose your spouse no matter what but it's very isolating as a young widow. all my friends are married, in long term relationships, starting families etc and I am back to ground zero. Although I know there is hope I'll still get to have the life I want, it's just hard to know I have to do it without Jack. We had planned for such an awesome life together. So unfair. No one should have to go through caregiving and losing a spouse so traumatically prior to age 80, but here we are.

I hope to get to know all of you better over the next little while. I am a fan of online support as I'm especially vulnerable at night (can't sleep) and just read post after post validating what I am feeling. 

Comment by agh1468 on October 4, 2015 at 7:42pm

I recieved a lot of positive respones to my last post. At the time I really just needed to get my feelings out of my head but I'm happy to know that it had such a positive effect on people. 

Comment by Dana77 on October 3, 2015 at 10:18pm

Your post is the best thing I've read since becoming a widow 5 months ago.  You're like my soul sister. Seriously.  Those hashtags are everything. I hope writing it and getting it out has helped some. At least for tonight. 

Comment by agh1468 on October 3, 2015 at 8:53pm
I don't know WTF is going on with me. Today I had the need for a Jamail overload. Today I celebrated his 30th Bday with his sisters and best friend. While I wantedto be happy, all I keep thinking is that he should be here. He almost made it. He was a mth away. That would have been 30 more days we had together. I joined a few days ago. I was looking for a support community and I'm happy that I finally found one but at the same time I have to say to see that so many people are still so devastated 2,3,4 yrs out makes me look forward to the future even less. I just want to cuddle up with him. Have one of his hugs. Make love again. I could say one more time but that's not true I want it forever. It's like somebody came by and chopped off an arm and a leg, gave you a lackluster apology, let you cry for a few days and then sent you to work on Monday because it'll "heal over time". When the truth of the matter is yes it'll heal but you'll still be functionally handicapped at the end of the day. I think we're all on the site for the same reason. We're looking for comfort. Some sense of that elusive comfort. Something that will FINALLY make us feel better about this tragedy that has just happened. Rescue us from our pain and misery. In all honesty I don't know that there is anything that will do that. Kind words are always appreciated, similar stories help us not feel so alone and like minds ward off the fear of judgment. But let's be honest we just want them back. Some of us are waiting on some scientist to find out how to get to alternate dimensions so that we can go and find our loves again, me included,lol! But we have to face it. Not gonna happen! For the last 4 weeks I've been irritated and rolling my eyes when people would say "Jamail would want you to be happy". I felt like screaming "Of course he would want me to be happy! He wanted that when he was still alive. Why would that change because he died?! He also wanted to Be Like Mike. Who gives a shit?! We're not talking about him, we're talking about me and my misery. Just let me have my misery!!"
Dramatic? Yes, but that's how I feel. But I'm learning that we each have to find that thing that gives us comfort. While it may be different for all of us, one thing that I think we can agree on is that doing things that would make them happy is something that would give us all comfort. And being strong, pushing through the tears, getting up everyday and facing this shit head on would make them extremely proud. So that's my goal. I'm positive some days I'll fail miserably but it won't stop me from trying. This doesn't mean overlook or disregard the pain just push threw it. Let's face it, do we really have a choice? Tomorrow's coming whether we like it or not. So we may as well make an attempt at happiness. Disclaimer: I'm a widow so I'm subject to dramtic mood swings and random crying fits. In other words I reserve the right to completely change my mind tomorrow. :-/ #widowhoodbites #dontjudge #caniapplyforahandicapsticker?

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