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Born in the 80s

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Comment by victoria8 on August 15, 2016 at 7:20am
Sburnie81 I lost my husband in December 2014. Another widower with a child told me that his biggest lesson was to ask for help when he needed it and to accept it from those who offered. Fund out about subsidies or help with care that you may qualify for and also take care of yourself. The better you take care of yourself the better you will be able to care for your kids. Big hugs
Comment by SBurnie81 on August 15, 2016 at 5:24am
Thank you Christina. I really like the photo album idea for my two year old especially. I'm glad I found this group too. The idea of being able to talk to people who can relate is comforting, sad but comforting.
Comment by Christina on August 14, 2016 at 10:06pm

Hey SBurnie81, I am 35, and have 5 little ones ranging in age from 3-12. I just lost my husband in June.... Actually 2 months ago today. It is one of those things where it does give us something to focus on YET our heart breaks for each one of our kids as well so the sadness and grief is compounded. I've been showing my kids pics and videos of their dad. Every night at bedtime they all say good night to me and to him. The youngest 2 say good night to him out loud... Good night, daddy. I love you. I miss you.    I tell them that daddy loves them and misses them too. I also always tell them how proud of them he would be/is. My best friend bought all the kids journals....for my two youngest, ages almost 4 and 6, I have them dictate whatever they want to say in a letter to their dad and write if for them. A good friend made them each beautiful photo albums that they can keep to look at any time. I know that I cry more than my kids do. I don't hide my emotions from them, and I would never want them to hide theirs from me. Good luck and glad you found us!!! 

Comment by SBurnie81 on August 14, 2016 at 8:06pm
Hello, I am a 34yr old father of a 4yr and 2yr olds. My wife, best friend, and children's mother passed away at the beginning of August, on our 8 year anniversary. I am so thankful that I have my children because it gives me something to focus on, but I'm crushed every time my 4yr old daughter asks me where mom is at. After her mom died I sat her down and talked to her. My wife battled cancer for the last two years, so I told my daughter mom is no longer sick and is in heaven looking over us. She is definitely old enough to remember her mom, so every night at bed I've been telling her story's about her mom so she won't forget about her. I'll probably do the same to my 2yr old son when he gets older. Any words of advise for a single father? Anything to look out for?
Comment by Hopeful30 on July 28, 2016 at 4:38am
Christina, I am so sorry. It's hard enough losing someone, but to have extra hurt piled on is just heartbreaking!! I understand about a spouse fighting personal struggles. When my husband was sick in the mental hospital I found out he had an online profile and had been cheating on me for 3 years at least of our 4 year relationship. He also did drugs, which contributed to his sudden breakdown. Being angry is difficult, but at times I am thankful that he gave me reasons to try harder in this life and not be completely stuck in despair. Then there is the guilt for being angry to begin with, and in my situation for failing to fight his struggle with him. I just had so little idea the depth of what he was going through.

I have a child from a previous relationship, but he is my saving grace! I agree, no matter what "side" of the lawn we are all on, kids or no kids, married or not, etc, the other side always looks preferably. We all are dealing with the ending of many dreams. Wherever we stand, though, I think our loved ones left a part of themselves or their shared dreams with us that we fight for to remember or make come true. We can find hope or purpose in that pursuit. I love what you said about knowing that sadness comes from the love you shared. It's difficult weathering this storm, but I've found at 13 months, even when I feel like I'm falling apart or going backwards, I always find myself eventually coming through the storm and often a sliver ahead...like the scar tissue forming adds a thin layer of armor. I can say "I made it though that day or moment I didn't think I would". Wishing you peace and blessings Christina for you and all of us here on this journey.
Comment by Christina on July 27, 2016 at 6:07pm

The kids definitely keep me distracted, but at the same time I feel like my heart breaks for each one of them and so sometimes THEY trigger me to start crying. A lot of people keep saying that I need to take time for myself, but honestly I do not want that right now!!!! The oldest is 12 and the youngest is 3..... One girl (the oldest) and four boys...now without a daddy!!! My husband and I had been together for since I was 20... Just over 15 years. I swear I knew dang near the minute I saw him that we'd get married and have kids! I got pregnant (trying) one month after we married. Our marriage was tough as my husband struggled with a lot of demons, mentally and emotionally....addiction. The end turned out to be a very public nightmare involving his arrest....where he ultimately shot himself in our backyard with his duty weapon. The kids and I were not at home. He planned it that way so that we would not find him. It's just heartbreaking. As much as I want to be angry and disgusted with him, I can't be. I guess I was never very good at that, but now reading his journal and all I really can't be. He hated himself more than anyone else on Earth ever could. He was a very tortured soul. 

I think about the younger in life vs older in life thing all the time. This is a TOUGH age!!! For me, with 5 kids, I just can't imagine anyone ever dating me even IF I ever came to the point down the road where I wanted to date. I really don't want anyone else in our life. For those that are 30s with no kids I think that is also so heartbreaking.... so  many lost dreams for sure. Actually we had been engaged but when his partner was murdered in the line of duty, leaving behind a fiancee, we thought shit! We aren't guaranteed the next breath and decided to hurry up and get married and have kids.....  but I *still* am left feeling like we wasted it because of all the b.s. that he did over the years. I don't know. I always hoped somehow it would all work out for us, but I guess not... so now I'll find my way on my own. I have a lot of blessings. I have a house that I love. I'm okay financially. I have my kids and the rest of my family and a lot of good friends. We all have our health. Sometimes the sadness is IMMENSE. That may or may not ever stop. If it doesn't I'll live with it, knowing that immense sadness came from immense love, and I'll appreciate the not immensely sad moments all the more. 

Comment by Ang on July 27, 2016 at 12:55pm

Hi BBL35, Happy Anniversary. We are all here to celebrate with you. I celebrated my 1st year wedding anniversary and his birthday a few weeks before it happened. I cant even imagine celebrating my own birthday. We usually fly out to a different state/country for our birthdays. I'm thinking i should fly to Hawaii. 

Hi Andrew, my sister stumbled on your profile page and forwarded it to me. It's been hard finding people in our age group around my area. I am sorry that you and your gf did not start a family also. We have to mourn a lot of losses, like our dreams. I was just wondering how you've been....I read some of your comments and i definitely think you fit in here. Even if you two were not married, I am sure your love for your gf was just as deep. It doesn't matter the marital status or how many years. I too get those, you are young comments. i am still taken aback. i dont see it as a good thing. if i had a choice, of it happening to us in our 30s or 70s, id definitely chose 70s. I guess they mean, we are young, we can start a second chapter / life more easily. but...i'd still chose to have 30+ more years!! after that, i don't care if i'm alone. the grass is always greener i suppose.

Comment by lawwal (andrew) on July 27, 2016 at 5:57am

BBL35 - Happy Anniversary. :(

Ang - Thanks for adding me. Like your husband, my gf had a niece and nephew that she absolutely adored. This past mother's day was hard knowing she'd never be a mom, and as for father's day..i'd probably never be a dad. Sad times.

Comment by BBL35 on July 27, 2016 at 2:38am
Hi Ang and Christina. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here. I'm 35 with two kids and I lost my husband 9 mths ago. Today is actually our anniversary, 14 years. Distraction, kids, and work are the things that keep me somewhat sane. But the nights and loneliness is unbearable.
Comment by Ang on July 26, 2016 at 10:34pm
Hi Christina, I was thinking the same thing. it has quieted down on this board. Yea, I think it's a good thing. Hi. It's been over a month for me. I'm 33 and been with my husband for 16 years. We just got married a year ago. We were going to start a family this year but didn't get a chance to. That's my one big regret. alot of my friends are married this year and are starting families so it's been hard. These years are suppose to be the BEST years of our lives, right? Wow 5 kids. I'm actually part of a huge family - I'm the 2nd child of 6. Do your kids keep you distracted and not alone? When my niece came by, I found her to be good distraction. I loved playing with her. She's turning 3 years old next month and my husband adored her. Children are adorable even without trying. I wonder what would it be like if we started a family sooner. I feel sad that he will never know how it would feel to be a dad. ill never have a little version of my husband.
 

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