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Born in the 80s

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Comment by CLR95 on March 20, 2018 at 5:21pm

Hi danteprayer14 thank you so much for your reply. 

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss.

I am glad to have found this site as I do feel no one around me quite understands what I am going through (and I have well meaning family and friends that surround me). The loneliness is overwhelming at times.

Life seems has resumed for everyone, as I know it as to, but I feel totally stuck and devastated every minute of every day. I am highly functional and doing everything for my boys but feel so broken. Your post gives me hope that maybe one day I will be able to live without feeling constant grief. 

I look forward to feeling joy again in life. I am grateful for my young kids - they are the light in the darkness.

Thank you again!! (My counsellor said the same thing - but I I think I understand it bit better now!) 

Comment by danteprayer14 on March 20, 2018 at 5:02pm

Hey CLR 95,  I just happened to be in my email and saw your message pop up.  It is very hard to be a young widow and I just want to give you a mental hug.  I've never met another 30 something widow face to face.

My husband died when I was 35 - and I turn 38 in 2 days.   His birthday was last week.  Give yourself time - you'll go through so many feelings, ups and downs and sideways.  I used to do the things I needed to do and then I'd come home and fall on floor and curl up in a ball.  I cried everyday for a solid 6 months.  I kept track because I felt like I was going insane.  

But the reason I felt compelled to write and respond was it does get better.  I don't cry everyday any more.   I can see his things and not break down.  I have done my best to cobble together my life and make it my own, instead of OURS.  But it takes time and I let myself feel the things I needed to feel.  Be gentle with yourself.  Hug those kiddos hard.  Ask for help.   Use this site for support.  

The timeline is different for everyone - the needs of each person are different.  But I remember something my therapist said early on that didn't make a lot of sense to me - but she said grief doesn't have an ending.  At first I thought, geez, that sucks!!!!   But I think I am slowly understanding that she meant that the feeling doesn't really ever go away - you just learn how to work around it, through it, and with it.  And it becomes a feeling that you get used to and you see joy and love if you look for it.   

Comment by CLR95 on March 20, 2018 at 4:51pm

Hi , I am new here. I guess I'm searching for people who understand the pain that I am feeling.

My soulmate died on the 12th of January 2018. I am devastated. I can't believe he is gone at 37 years of age and I am a widow at 36 years of age, with two young children. We were together for almost 23 years - we met when we were 13 and 15 and would have grown old together. I feel like we have been cheated of so much - at a time we should be raising our kids and living life, he has just gone. It has been 9 weeks and 5 days and my head wont accept the fact that he is no longer by my side. The days are busy but the nights are long and painful, but every second of every day he is on my mind. Will this feeling of missing and longing for him ever subside? Will this gaping wound ever heal? 

I guess I'd like to know how do people are dealing with their loss and when do you start to feel better.. if ever?

Comment by robyninvegas on March 6, 2018 at 7:09pm

@babushka(Debbie) My husband's birthday was three days before mine. We would always celebrate it together. It has been four years since he died. I will often try to see his children (my stepdaughters), visit his grave, and go to our favorite restaurant. It is pretty tough to feel like "celebrating" but I do the best I can. Last year, my father was having surgery on my birthday so I was there. Every year is different. Hope this helps some. 

Comment by BabushkaD (Debbie) on March 2, 2018 at 7:25am

How are people dealing with birthdays this year? I feel like that topic has come up a lot around other young widows I know. I'm turning 33 this April. My husband would have been 45 this March. A widow friend turned 35 last weekend and that age kind of boggles her mind...she wants to deny that it's happened, because she thought she'd have it all together at this age. What do you do to celebrate yourself? What do you to remember your spouse?

Comment by Sonu on January 12, 2018 at 7:56pm

Ohh Mrs.Hehar ,you literally put words what i want to scream out to this world. Yes I am from Assam,India. We had an intercaste marriage. We were so perfect together. You know when as teenager or adolescents we dream of a prince charming, finally in my life i got what I always wanted. He was my mirror reflection.We had the same taste in every aspect of life. I have so many questions arising in my mind, people say everything happens for a cause,I say what more "Good" is in store for me!!  Even i wished i had his baby. Each and every moment reminds me of the time we spent together.I know you will understand. I feel so helpless. The dreams we saw together of having kids and growing all,what am I supposed to do now? The pain is unbearable. Have you watched the video of Kelley Lynn in Tedx talks? If not I would suggest you to watch it. Hugs and love to you dear. 

Comment by Mrs.Hehar on January 12, 2018 at 6:11pm

Hi Sonu, I see you are from India, I am actually Punjabi. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It really is the hardest thing I have had to go thru in my life. My husband and I had our legal marriage in 2016 but our religious ceremony was in September 2017 and a month and half later a wreck less driver killed him. 

I have no answers to why us, or what happened exactly, I can't even figure out the medical reports, because it just makes no sense. 

I know how you feel about all the senses you are talking about, I yearn for them too. I am currently still living with his parents in our home. I still say our home because it makes me feel like he will come home one day. I do weird things now, like wear his clothes, or smell his shirts, i hate answering my phone, i don't want to talk to anyone because it reminds me that they still have their perfect love stories and mine ended without even a warning. I try my best to preserve everything the way it was, he was my best friend, literally we were like the same person. I wish I had at least had his baby, but even that worked against us. I love him so much and the fact that I waited so long for the perfect person, and he was just taken away so soon. The pain gets worse as the days go on and people talk about it getting easier to go on, but I know, I know exactly how you must be feeling, and I can only say it really sucks.  

Comment by Sonu on January 11, 2018 at 8:05pm

Mrs. Hehar, I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand what you are going through. I too lost my beautiful husband to a motor vehicle accident 22 days ago. Whatever I do, however my life is,the fact is the love of my life will not be there. After 3 years of a loving relationship we had married on 29th April 2017. It was barely 8 monts of our marriage and I lost him. The same question arised .why us? I die to see him,to hear his voice,to touch heart cries out for all of you. 

Comment by Mrs.Hehar on January 11, 2018 at 7:48pm

Its been 57 days, I still wake up in tears, throughout the day I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. The days I am busy, my head kills, my body hurts. I still pray to god to give me my husband back, knowing that will never happen. I feel so alone, it hurts so much and ppl ask me how I am but I hate even answering that question. I miss him so much, and every morning when I wake up, I hate the fact that I am here and he isn't. The what ifs pop into my head all day long. Just a few seconds and he would have been here, even a second and that car wouldn't have hit him. I had to start his car and bike yesterday, it killed me inside, I ended up losing it for a good hour. The things I am having to do, I never even thought. Things should be so different. I still don't get why him? or why us? I want to talk to a medium so bad but then my mother in law keeps talking me out of it. I just want to talk to him, I know i wouldn't hear his voice but still. Have any of you tried a medium? How does it work or how do you know it is for real? I have been trying to read up on it and can't find much about what they tell you or how do you know it pertains to you and not general things. 

Comment by KayeL on December 31, 2017 at 10:36am

Mrs. Hehar,

I hear you and I know what you mean. My husband was sick for the entire Dec two years ago but his medical team was very optimistic about his recovery. We left hospital on new year's eve but then his pneumonia got worse that it took his life few days after the new year. I am telling you, xmas and new year are now the worst time of the year to me. While everyone, esp people our age, most of them are so happy with their lives, I am, and many of us here, are drowned by some painful memories. For two years, some of my older friends who are in their 50s, my in-laws and my parents have been talking about "companion" again. Sigh, I don't get out of the house, I have a kid, and I am not young anymore, how to "meet" someone? Besides, when the love I used to have was so perfect, I don't even have the will to find anyone. Their good intension only makes me even more depressed. It's like, I found my soul mate and true love but he vanished. And I feel I am such a bad mom because I keep telling my son I will no longer want to celebrate any holidays in this household again. He keeps telling me he wants his daddy. I said dad is gone. He insists he wants a dad even though he could be someone else. Argghh,,. I don't even know how and what I want, or need. All I know is I only want my dead husband back. OOh I so wish this new year thing is done and over wish. Dragging through xmas was bad enough and now new year then his death anniversary. I loathe this life. 


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