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Comment by Mrs.Hehar on December 31, 2017 at 10:10am

Its new years eve... and although I didn't expect it to be the worst feeling ever, thats how I feel right now. I got home from service and as soon as I entered our bedroom I broke out into tears. On the drive back I happened to open facebook and saw all those generic Happy New Years pics or quotes, I feel incredibly sad and so much pain. I miss my husband so much, it kills me inside just thinking about it. I cant believe its already been 46days. I still pray to have him back, I still pray that god reunite us. I dono what to do anymore. I try to cope and use different techniques but then I just break. My in laws try to keep me busy, I put on a face of being okay in front of them but I'm not okay and I don't know when I will be. Few days ago his mom talked to me about thinking about the future, and how everyone needs a companion, it made me so sad to think about something like that. I feel like no one understands me, I don't understand me. I just wish I could talk to him, its like I feel so alone all the time even though I'm not actually alone. 

Comment by KayeL on December 26, 2017 at 8:38pm

Judie,

You're not alone. My hubby died last year but right at the beginning of January. It will be two years for me in a week-ish time and I am still not myself. I used to be so optimistic, happy and goofy yet I am now pessimistic, morose, and cold. Devoid of emotion but sadness, anger and agony. I still consistently cry like there's no tomorrow. I still feel bleak, betrayed, and lost. I think my parents, too, think it's time I should be back to my old self again. Seriously, HOW? My heart has been shattered completely. I will never be that old happy self again. True, in time, maybe I will be less angry, but pure bliss? I highly doubt it. I met my hubby young at age 21, were so in love throughout our 20s to my mid 30s. He died when he was 40 and me turning 35. That intense pain lingers and does not want to go away. 

Comment by Judie on December 26, 2017 at 8:16pm

Hi all I’m judie I joined this site last year when my husban died. It still feels like it happened yesterday, Nothing changed, I get told by people that I am grieving too hard, holding on to the past. I’d like to think that I’m coming to a place of peace ..but I still have days of ugly cries.  I have moments of tears leaking down my face while I’m almost unaware of it. I have days where the pain is still so intense I can’t breathe. I can’t believe it’s been a year.

VOLUNTEER Comment by Soaring Spirits on December 25, 2017 at 7:22am

We're hanging out in the WV chat room for anyone who finds themselves alone on Christmas day. Join us!

http://widowedvillage.org/chat

Comment by Mrs.Hehar on December 19, 2017 at 9:11am

Hi Debbie, It feels so much more difficult as the days go on, I find that my eyes are always full of tears. I had a dream that I was hugging him and telling him not to go to work, felt so real, like it was that same morning. I woke up in tears because there were many times I would ask him not to go to work, but I knew he had to. I wish my dream was reality and I could have stopped him that day. It just feels so unfair that this happened to him. I'd switch places with him in a heartbeat, a second, not even a second; he had so many wishes and hopes, motivation to accomplish so much in his life. I don't understand life anymore, or what the point is, or why things happen to certain people. I just don't get it. I feel so damn sad and upset inside. I'm not sure if it will ever get better. And the people that tell me, you have to think about your future, you're so young, I know what they are getting at, but I can't even begin to think that I will just go on without him. He was really my everything, it was all about him, that is all I did day and night. I don't work or have any hobbies since I moved here, it was all about Jimmy, always seeing him off to work, or waiting for him to come home, calling and texting him throughout the day, having dinner ready, doing things together, I breathed Jimmy, and since he has left I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. My days are filled with paperwork and looking for answers online. This blog, that blog, reading into dreams I have. And friends and family who have not lost their soulmates think I should try to keep my mind busy, but its not that easy. No matter what I do, I think of him or what we would be doing or what he would think. I hate this. 

Comment by JessicaAnn on December 17, 2017 at 8:29pm

Hi Debbie. Thank you I will have to look up that song. I'm sorry for your loss as well. Not really sure how the chat rooms work yet so I just posted a comment :). 

Comment by BabushkaD (Debbie) on December 17, 2017 at 7:41pm

Mrs. Hehar, 

I didn't mean to miss your post! It's okay to cry when people are looking. If there's ever a time to be a mess sometimes, this is it.  I am so sorry you lost your love. We are all too young for this, and it can hurt so much when others are talking about their 20, 30, 40 years with their great loves and we got 1, 2, 5, or didn't even make it to the wedding. Keep coming back and keep talking here. You will find your way. 

Comment by BabushkaD (Debbie) on December 17, 2017 at 7:38pm

Hi JessicaAnn. Just missed you in the chatroom. I am 32 and lost my husband almost 14 months ago. He was dying in the hospital when our 2nd anniversary came. At his memorial service there was a song, Your Grace Finds Me, by Matt Redman, that has a line that had caught me on the radio the week before:
"It's there on the wedding day
There in the weeping by the gravesite
There in the very breath we breathe
Your great grace"
So hard, the rollercoasters of this life. (((hugs))) Would be glad to chat with you.

Comment by JessicaAnn on December 17, 2017 at 7:28pm

Hi all I am new here. I just came across this site and it seems wonderful. My name is Jessica and I am 33 years old. My husband and I were married last November and six months later he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Two months after jay he passed away. In less than one year I went from the best day of my life to the worst day of my life.  I miss him more than anything. Now I'm just trying to figure out what my new normal is and trying to be patient with myself. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I always had s vision of what my future would look like and now it's just a blur. Just trying to take it one day at a time. Make that one minute st a time. 

Comment by Mrs.Hehar on December 12, 2017 at 2:58pm

Hi, 

I’m new here. I’m 35 and my husband was 31 years old when he passed away 27 days ago. I feel like I died with him. I try my best to hold it together and cry when no one is looking. He was killed in a motor vehicle accident. We were married for just over a year and had our religious ceremony on September 30th 2017. We sadly have no children and his death haunts me, our plans haunt me and I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything was so perfect, he was my fairytale. He taught me how to love, to be happy and to appreciate. I wish I could bring him back, he didn’t deserve this, all due to some wreckless driver who decided to run a Red. In the end my husband died and a family ruined. The days are so long and the nights longer, I can’t sleep and when I do I wake up in tears. I probably sound like I’m all over the place. I just don’t know what to do. Yesterday would have been our anniversary to the first time we met. He was the one who remembered every anniversary, he would wish me by the month. Our wedding was perfect, the big fat Indian wedding, he was so happy, and now all I have are the videos to watch. I feel like no one understands my pain or how much I miss him, physically miss him. In the morning I turn my head Hoping he’ll be beside me, I turn 3 to 4 times but nothing is there, then I realize he is never going to be there. On that day I was waiting for him to come home from work, some days I feel like I’m still waiting. I feel deja vu whenever I go out. I feel angry and sad when I see couples holding hands, or someone with a baby, that was supposed to be us. He was everything I didn’t know I wanted. The day I opened his phone and found an Albion dedicated to me I balled my eyes out, he had made videos of us, so many thoughtful things he never showed me. I wish there was someway to bring him back. I wish we had a baby or something just anything.  All day I talk about him, memories. Sometimes I walk around and imagine him doing things. I just don’t know what to do with my life, unsure of what tomorrow will be like. I feel lost.

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