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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 701
Latest Activity: on Monday

Discussion Forum

What are your thoughts about "Dating"?

Started by Patience (Diane). Last reply by Athena53 Jan 6. 10 Replies

What are your feelings about "dating"? As a person who was a long term caregiver, do you sometimes have mixed feelings? Have you joined a dating site? Do you NOT want to date?

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by FootballGeek Oct 25, 2016. 40 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

NYT article

Started by WittyBlondeWolverine. Last reply by Slick Oct 25, 2016. 7 Replies

This article resonated with me on so many levels. It's very true that I have so many people to do something with... but nobody to do nothing with.

NY Mag Article "The Day I started Lying to Ruth" by a cancer doctor on losing his wife to cancer

Started by Patience (Diane). Last reply by Patience (Diane) Sep 24, 2016. 23 Replies

Has anyone read this article?  It stopped me in my tracks yesterday. http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-bach-2014-5/Continue

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Comment by Patience (Diane) on Sunday
This Ted Talk is a tribute to a young widower's late wife and their life together.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KeT221skphw
Comment by Athena53 on January 7, 2017 at 2:35pm

Slick-  thanks for your response.  I know the caregiving I did for DH (really bad only the last 2 months, he was sweet and kind to the end, I'm retired so not trying to hold down a job and he supported me keeping up my outside activities) was a picnic compared to what many here have been through.  Yes, I'm sure the PTSD complicates your reactions to life in ways I can't understand.  I'm glad you have the support of a therapist.

Comment by Slick on January 7, 2017 at 5:51am

thank you Athena....I did say no.....my oldest was going to watch him...and both of her teens were up all night vomiting so my daughter's husband will go alone..it's snowing here anyway and I wouldn't be comfortable driving there tonight after it snowed all day...I understand what you're saying...I love you analogy of stopping my grandson from doing something harmful...I have a 17 year old grandson too ...who I have very in depth conversations with about life and a 14 year old grandaughter who I am also so very close to....when they reached a certain age I stopped babysitting because they were too active for me...and I was only maybe 45...when they were born..will be 63 and broken Monday..so bit difference...

I think I have to add  because it seems everyone thinks I am a push over and don't know how to say no...very wrong.......I am strong, confident and very independent ...through no choice of my own...I have PTSD do to my mother, first husband and then finally my middle daughter's death at 21...I have been in counseling off and on for 15 years....and have made strides in the past year....this is something I am having a hard time breaking because my youngest is very much like my mother....so she triggers me...there are no other family members....they have all passed....so have all of my closest friends....so my oldest is the only other babysitter...right now...I know it's good for him...he loves everyone...talks to everyone and smiles at everyone....she;s thinking about starting him out in a play group 1-2 days a week because he loves other kids too....I think I projected some of the feelings that go hand in hand with PTSD ..and unless you have it can't possibly understand the difference in the way each mind works...I was never socialized to be caring....it comes very natural....thank you for your advise......but I felt I needed to throw out there about the PTSD ...because it has it's differences in the thought process and feelings, awareness, responses that someone without it has..something that may come very easy to me do to the things I have been through in life...many of you may never be able to do and something that comes so simple to you....I struggle with......a woman I know very well...with worse PTSD then mine ,her 14 year old daughter also has it...horrible story.....needs a place to live.....I have had to turn her down...did it very easily, so maybe this wasn't the place to bring this....hard to understand ..and I know that...thank you for responding..PEACE

Comment by Athena53 on January 7, 2017 at 4:56am

Slick, you have got to stand up for yourself.  Who's going to be there for you when you're disabled because your arm never got a chance to heal?  If you have to, use the doctor as the bad guy.  "My doctor says I shouldn't be taking care of grandson alone because he's too heavy to lift".  And in a way it may be saying "no" to your grandson but what's wrong with that?  If he wanted to do something harmful, wouldn't you tell him "no"?  Well, this is harmful to YOU but it's temporary.  Let him get comfortable with other family members,  It's good for him.  I just bristle when I see good (mostly) women, socialized to be nice to everybody and take care of  everybody, doing damage to themselves in the process.  Just say no till you're well again.

Comment by Slick on January 6, 2017 at 10:57am

feelinglonely...it is so hard isn't it...the changes we go through, the lost lonely feelings at times...I don't think with the changes I've gone through inside me that I could have worked....I did volunteer for 2 years at a specialty cancer treatment center...the only volunteer they would let be there...and I even worked overtime..we used to get a kick out of that.....

Thank you for the birthday wishes.....I don't stay clear of my birthday yet..and hope I never do....Be well, Angel

Comment by feelinglonely on January 6, 2017 at 10:49am

Slick-----I never lived alone either.  Got married at 20, he was 22 and just out of the Marines.  He was 63 when he died from cancer of the esophagus.  It was such a shock--he was never sick, never had any symtoms.  One evening when we were out to dinner, he couldnt swallow the steak.  He went to the dr, had some type of test, then for an endoscopy where they discovered a large mass.  It was already at stage 4---we found out on April 1st and by Sept 9th he was gone.

Then my brother died 2 years later and that really did me in.  He was 59.

I worked for 33 years in HR, but after he passed, there was no way I could even think about returning.  Now, 6.5 years later, that was a mistake--I should have tried at least.  Who knows?

Thanks again for sharing your story, and have a Happy Birthday!

Take good care, Joan

Comment by Slick on January 6, 2017 at 9:52am

sueprnova....LOL....Yep I know I can...she has become more demanding the older she gets..reminds me of my mother who was just awful....I am the only one he will stay with...that being said, she complains all the time she doesn't get ANY help...WHAT!!! my arm is torn from helping her......it's that place in my heart that feels like I am saying no to my grandson......when that's not it and I know it...in my rational mind...it is her I don't want to help...I think she should miss the event ..and call and tell them her mother tore her Rotator cuff....I son't feel she should expect this from me..the lack of concern for me , really hurt me, my oldest can babysit, it will be difficult with her kids...but maybe if they need a ride I can do that...we'll switch positions...how do I say no when I feel like I;m saying NO to my grandson...that's what I need help with....

Comment by Slick on January 6, 2017 at 9:52am

sueprnova....LOL....Yep I know I can...she has become more demanding the older she gets..reminds me of my mother who was just awful....I am the only one he will stay with...that being said, she complains all the time she doesn't get ANY help...WHAT!!! my arm is torn from helping her......it's that place in my heart that feels like I am saying no to my grandson......when that's not it and I know it...in my rational mind...it is her I don't want to help...I think she should miss the event ..and call and tell them her mother tore her Rotator cuff....I son't feel she should expect this from me..the lack of concern for me , really hurt me, my oldest can babysit, it will be difficult with her kids...but maybe if they need a ride I can do that...we'll switch positions...how do I say no when I feel like I;m saying NO to my grandson...that's what I need help with....

Comment by Slick on January 6, 2017 at 9:47am

feeling lonely..vent here anytime you need to ....I understand...I was 57 when Bill passed...and had never lived alone...I have been married twice but have been married all of my adult life....the 4 years in between marriages...I had teenagers, was working full time, went to dinner and dancing with my girlfriends once in awhile..had a full life...happened upon my second husband at a BBQ with longtime friends...I think it was love at first sight for both of us, we married a year later , so now I will be 63 on Monday...when Bill passed ..I thought" what am I supposed to do, husband is gone, kids are all married, I retired when Bill got ill, so job gone, my 3 closest friends passed away very young at, 50-51.......so it took me years to be able to be happy and at peace alone...I would still like a partner, companion...but if it never happens so be it....as far as the move ...I get where you are...I have so many bad body parts I really need a one floor apartment, no muss, no fuss.......cannot find a place I want to be...never did I ever think I would be in this place at my age either....God bless..

Comment by sueprnova on January 6, 2017 at 9:43am

Slick, 

You realize that it is ok to say no.  It is paramount that YOU take care of YOU.  Kids, no matter what age, can be awful. 

I hope there's no damage that necessitates surgery! 

 

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