Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation


Long-term illness

For those widowed by cancer AND other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

We now also have a "Long Term Illness" discussion forum in the PERENNIAL main forum. Questions? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 558
Latest Activity: 10 hours ago

Group greeters

Dianne in Nevada and Celestia have agreed to greet and coordinate for this group! Thank you, ladies!

Discussion Forum

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by Doug02122014 10 hours ago. 20 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by icecream on Monday. 15 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

Anyone ever have a sense of peace?

Started by Timetoheal. Last reply by Maria Louisa Mar 6. 32 Replies

Has anyone been doing normal chores or random things around the house and had a feeling of calm or peace come over them? As if your loved one is standing there with you or just brushing by you to let…Continue

Comment Wall


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Comment by wildflower yesterday

I agree with all of you we do have to move on however hard it is.  I really miss my husband as it's only been six months.  But I try to surround myself with people and do things I enjoy.  I do enjoy what I am doing and at the same time it is bittersweet as my husband is not here to share these moments or hear about them from me.  I enjoyed a three week trip to Florida and sailed to the keys and spent two nights on the boat sleeping.  enjoyed doing other things with family while there.  And yesterday,even though we had a dusting of snow, I went on my first bike ride with the bike club I joined.  Peace to all of you.

Comment by icecream yesterday

lonelyinaz, hope you can find some peace tomorrow.

Comment by lonelyinaz on Monday

I was thinking the exact same things this morning.  Coming to the one year without him on Thursday, and I was thinking what long hard years of sickness he went through, and me along with him all the way through.  And, I also said out loud "thank you Lord for letting me have him for so long, but I am so grateful that his suffering is now over and would not want him to have lived through another year with that monsterous brain tumor".  And, I actually felt better or more peaceful somehow today.  Like maybe I should feel more happy for him, and then less sad for me because he is not suffering.  And, of course, I know I should feel that way, but then the grief wave comes in.  Thx for posting this topic.  Hugs all the way around.

Comment by MFARM on Monday

only1sue, Mford4, I definitely hear you. Lewey Body dimentia was ours to deal with . It's a mean one. Works like a roller coaster. Somedays  could be almost normal and sadly you knew the delusions and halucinations would return and be worse than before, like  up and down steps, but always on the downhill spiral. Medications only made things worse. I too am meeting lots of new friends, going with my kids, and doing things I couldn't do before. However even though they can sometimes even be fun, there's never joy like with your mate. Here I am healthy , should be thankful, but I actually feel once in a while like I don't belong on this earth anymore. It will be two years in June. I hope and pray that these things wll improve for us all, and that some joy will return.

Comment by Germaine on Monday

Marlene, I agree on all points.  Some days I just feel like I am being carried forward to whatever is next.  Two days ago I felt a stabbing yearning....but realized the yearning was for what was long, long ago.... today I am back focused on "today"..... You know the popular phrase now "paying it forward" ?  I think for some of us the long term caregiving was paying it forward on the angst and pain of grief.  I totally agree that wherever any of us are on this journey we need to be gentle with ourselves.  We have survived a lot.  It is time to heal in whatever ways possible.

Comment by Mford4 (Marlene) on Monday

Sue, boy do I get it too.  My Pat was sick for 13 years and the last 8 of it bedridden for most of the time.  I was where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do, loving and caring and trying hard not to see that light coming at me at the end of that tunnel.

As I have passed through these past two years without him (I cannot believe it has been 2 years already) I find I go from wishing I had what we had together as a young family to a sense of relieve that those last years are done.  I was exhausted, tired, lonely, and feeling very isolated with it all.

Today and sometimes just today...I find myself busy and doing things I never had the time to do before or the ability due to circumstances and to tell the truth, I am finding joy in most of those moments.  Sure I wish I had that special person to share it with, but I also realize I have a choice...to choose to live the best I can or stay forever in the pain and sorrow of it all.  

There was even a man who showed interest in me...but he had a liver transplant 9 years ago, has diabetes that he does not take care of, and all I could think about is I don't want to take care of anyone that way again, as I have things on my to do list.  It made me feel very selfish, but I am not going to walk into something like that.  It was one thing to care for the man I deeply loved through his illness and eventual end days, it is another to do it just because.  I don't have it in me.

Be well Sue and others out there who struggle with being alone.  This is not an easy journey and one none of us would choose if there was a choice that could have been made.  But for those of us who endured years of caring for our ill partners the situation can get even more complicated in it's dealings and for that we must all be gentle on ourselves.  Best to everyone!

Comment by Germaine on Monday

I totally relate.  Bernie had so many diagnoses over the years. When I yearn to have him with me again I realize it is the Bernie from at least 15 years ago who I am missing.  In the end he was missing himself, I was missing him;  He was missing who I had been before being his caregiver and I was missing myself, too. It was just a hard, hard time.  I look back and marvel that I survived.

Comment by only1sue on Monday

Ray's dementia was vascular dementia caused in part by the amount of stroke damage he had from the five major strokes he had up to 2005.  He was diagnosed in 2006. By the time he went into the nursing home he had had seven major strokes, many TIAs and was experiencing fits and seizures.

I have to think back prior to 1999 to think of him as fit and well, but his first stroke was in 1990 so I guess I don't even remember our life that far back.  I know our kids were 21, 19 and 15 when that first stroke happened so we were still a family back then.  Ray did return to work six months after that 1990 stroke and worked until the 1999 strokes retired us both, me to look after him.

A lot of us here had a long hard journey prior to the death of our loved one and that does make our recovery more complex too I think. It was so exhausting that last few years when he was 24/7 care.  Not that I would not do it all again if I had to. 

Comment by booktime (Susan) on Monday

I feel the same way, Sue. The only time I could ask to be returned is before cancer and that was more than 10 years ago! I think yours was a harder journey with dementia. Hugs. Another Susan

Comment by only1sue on Monday

I chose this group because we are different from others who have lost a spouse through accident or after a short illness.  We were those who spend a long time looking after our loved ones, months, years, decades.  We were unhappy knowing that our loved ones life would come to an end but helpless to stop it happening.  For me it was as if  a computer virus was slowly wiping out the story of our lives together, as that is what dementia is like..

Sometimes when I read a poem or a post full of angst and longing for the loved one's return I kind of get it but realise it does not apply to my loss.  I would not want him to go back through those last few months EVER, no matter if it made me feel better or not.  


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