Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to widville@gmail.com.

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 633
Latest Activity: on Tuesday

Discussion Forum

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by Terry Mar 31. 32 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

Retreats?

Started by katjames. Last reply by katjames Jan 18. 12 Replies

Has anyone been to any retreats in the last few years that were especially meaningful and good????   I know there is Camp Widow, but I'm wondering if anyone has any organization they can recommend.…Continue

I'm Lost

Started by MickeysLove (Sandi). Last reply by my roses Dec 9, 2014. 19 Replies

So, 4 days ago marked the 2 month period.  I had joined a support "group" where you go and sit with other people and talk about whats bothering you. I had went 2 times, I'm not going anymore - I…Continue

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by MickeysLove (Sandi) Dec 3, 2014. 32 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

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Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on Tuesday
Well, here I am back, even more upset than yesterday. The CPA just completed my taxes, and I owe 4 figures, due to the idiots making the disability taxable to me tht wasn't taxable to my husband. I will be consulting a tax attorney. Talk about shock therapy...
Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on Tuesday
Thank you for your kind words, Steve. You sure have a lot of good thoughts! Today is better; thanks. I'm trying to not hold a grudge for dumb stuff done to me by the bureaucracies.
Comment by Patience (Diane) on Tuesday
Good ideas Steve... And I thought NJ government was corrupt!
Comment by Steve on Tuesday
Hi Jocelynn. I understand. So sorry to hear about that BS. It sucks. It just doesn't make sense that so many people struggle in our society, and have to pay out so much, and then others take so much from society and don't pay hardly a Nicole on the dollar. My latest thing is our droubt out here in California. Of course they are raising our rates again even higher, because of taxes on our water. We now have almost 40 million people in our state. San Diego govt is so corrupt, our sales tax is approaching 10% and so on. We keep hearing how we are to conserve water, and will be fined for watering our gardens and plants , but then I pass so many gold courses and mansions with acres of lawns, the sprinklers watering streets and parking lots, and a new report was just released to the news that humans account for 1% of the water use, it's our agriculture and business that uses the majority. But do they pay the fines? I don't think so. Are there crews telling the golf courses to stop watering their lawns? The SD Chargers football team is threatening to leave San Diego unless they get a new stadium. There are plans being drawn for an 8 billion dollar housing and sports stadium complex. Really? We are billions in debt, can't aford healthcare, homeless population is climbing and we need to spend 8 billion to keep a football team? I wonder how much it would cost to build a pipeline from Utahs snow covered mountains, or the Rockies to California to solve our droubt? Or maybe take that 8billion dollars and offer all Californians $100,000 to move elsewhere. Hmmm. Maybe we could take the 8 billion and invest in hydroponics technologies for our farmers? I guess I'm just silly.
Sorry for your rough day. Hoping tomorrow will be better.
Night
Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on Monday

Please excuse my tone. I am venting. Frustrated, angry, hurt, sad and broke. Just finished fighting with multiple agencies and lost. Go figure...

Husband died 11/12 after a difficult battle with brain cancer. He went back to work twice after enduing brain surgery, 6 weeks of chemo and radiation, IV chemo, more radiation, etc. I told him when he went back the 2nd time, it was stupid and he was going to mess up his disability. But, he was a man, a great provider, and he had to go back to work. That's how we were brought up. Protestant work ethic and all that.

I had to FIGHT to get the disability pay that was owed to him in 2012. Finally received it in 2014. I received a W2 that said nontaxable income to him. Received a 1099 Misc for me.

So, long and horrible story short is I HAVE TO PAY TAXES ON SURVIVOR'S BENEFITS paid to me 1 1/2 years after my husband died. Handled by his employer, for whom he was a well respected manager for 30+ years. All the life he missed out on, always being at work, going back to work, working weekends...

I'm sorry for being bitter. Just a caution to all of you - if these companies owe you, you may want to consider hiring an attoryney right away. Might save you all the pain I have been thru.

Tomorrow will be a better day, except I have to pay taxes:(

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on Monday
Dear MissCarolyn (Steve). Thank you for your kind words. Keep talking! So glad you had a good weekend with some of the kids and grandkids. They keep us going! Take good care of yourself.
Comment by MissingCarolyn(Steve) on Monday

Jocelyn, sorry for the loss of your father to ALS and your husband to cancer. Both so terrible. I've lost both of my parents and you're right about the death of a spouse being not comparable.

My hospice group is made up of an equal ratio of widow and widowers which from what I've heard is unusual. We guys tend to stuff things and internalize, probably not the best approach.

I got to the spend the weekend with 3 of my 5 kids and 3 grandkids to help celebrate the 24th  birthday of my youngest son, So I'm feeling blessed.

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on Monday
Dear Missing Carolyn (Steve). I had lost my beloved father 13 years ago to a 2 year grueling battle with ALS, so I thought I knew what loss was. I was the older child, only daughter and extremely close to my daddy. I was wrecked.
However, that did not begin to compare to losing my husband to a nearly 2 year grueling battle with brain cancer. Both were confined to hospital beds by the time they died, couldn't walk. Dad could still talk, but hubby couldn't.
I learned thru a hospice sponsored support group and other resources that our grief is not linear - it doesn't move in a straight line. So, in my opinion, having some kinda good days mixed in with kinda bad or awful days is pretty typical.
I think it's awfully hard on men to lose their spouses. "Society" kind of allows for women to burst into tears, get angry, lose things, forget things, etc. Seems there is a double standard for men who are grieving. Goodness knows it's tough enough for any of us!
Keep talking to your family and friends and us here. Lean on the friend who offer to help. Talking is good. You will get stronger and learn to adjust to a "new normal" that none of us ever wished for. I won't lie and say life gets better. We learn to deal with our loss.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your beloved Carolyn.
Comment by MissingCarolyn(Steve) on April 10, 2015 at 9:03pm

Thanks Cynthia, my kids mean the world to me.

Your right about trying to balancing your emotionally needs with those of your children. It's a real challenge.

No worries, you're not rambling, you're venting, which is one of the reasons this site is here. I find myself venting all the time. Lord knows, we have a lot to vent about.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on April 10, 2015 at 1:57pm

Fear Steve- what loneliness said, yea. It so hard just takin g care of your own emotional needs, but when your a parent you have to be there fir your kids, too.  You are a great dad as not every one can do it! When Don died, the first thin I did was take the RAM I is off of the bed (home hospice care) and hold him. I cried my heart out and just stayed that was y until the mortuary came. I remember someone hugging me from behind, but honestly, I don't know which of my daughter's it was. My younger one, her fiancee was there and he was a Hugh support to all of us. My older daughter - her husband even come to see Don or anything. But then, he's not anyone we would have chosen for her! He's just not a good person. Sorry; I'm rambling again as usual. 

But, keep doing what you're doing. And I, too, am g l ad y oh didn't wait too long to reach out for help. And I really like your quote.

 

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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

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