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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 754
Latest Activity: 19 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Not like the Movies

Started by Snow. Last reply by CaliforniaGrieving Aug 27. 10 Replies

In 15 minutes I will have passed my third day of being a widow. I have been bracing myself for this pain for 10 years, when my beautiful husband of 26 years was first diagnosed with advanced…Continue

Neurodegenerative disease MSA anyone else?

Started by LP. Last reply by riet Jun 2. 6 Replies

my husband died in Feb’18 of a rare condition called Multiple System Atrophy, a form of Parkinsonism, for which there is no treatment. He gradually lost all ability to move, speak, swallow, blink and…Continue

how to handle life now

Started by nayajivan. Last reply by Mamitha May 11. 3 Replies

Hi,I have lost my wife Archana on 12th March 2018.19 years of Marriage..2 beautiful and lovely sons - 17 and 14 years..15 years of battle against 2 deadly diseases - Kidney Failure and AIHA...9 Years…Continue

Tags: sons, marriage, AIHA, dialysis, failure

Unexpected Emotions

Started by Snow. Last reply by Linda C Mar 3. 10 Replies

I had braced myself for the grief of loss, unbearable loneliness, some other things too awful to write about, but I'm also starting to feel quite hurt and let down by some people. Is this normal?…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Kaydee 19 hours ago

@Jess.. Hugs to all of you to have to go through this.

My hubby also passed from kidney cancer. Treatments for 4 1/2 years. I took care of him most of those years. His sisters helped also. Then when he is dying they accused me of killing him. My gosh cancer is what is killing him! All because he made a comment that it was killing him to go through all these treatments.

So I was not allowed to take care of him the last few days. Just to give him water. Round the clock. When the hospice nurse came, I was not allowed to talk to her in private. Very controlling women.

My hubby was also very controlling. Married for 38 years and he was 58. Five years in October he passed.

At the funeral I was not family anymore. They wouldn't talk to any of my family or friends.

They wanted to be involved with his funeral planning. I said no, just my 2 sons and me. Also wanted it to be a private burial, nope very public with many friends and family.

I don't talk to them anymore. It is sad because  my sons missed out.

I am also a cancer survivor. Got breast cancer 7 months after he died. Radiation for 30 days. Not fun.

I met a very nice man on ourtime. We have been together for 3 years. He is also a widower twice over.

He is completely different doesn't smoke or drink. We are not married but we are in our hearts.

I wasn't happy in my marriage. I was treated like I had no brain. So some people do look for others to fill that void. Take care everyone!

Comment by MFARM yesterday

My husband died almost seven years ago after 54 years married. I was 72 at the time.  One of my husband's best friends called me not long after  and wanted  to know when I was going to remarry.  I said a I couldn't  imagine  any man in this house except  my Benedick.  He said " You might just have to move." In the mean time   two days later and said she thought one husband was enough.  My daughter wondered  if they ever communicated  in their 55 years together.  Well, I've made lots of new friends, keep very busy,  and miss my husband every day, but I still can't  imagine being attracted  to anyone but my Benedick.

Comment by Riley yesterday

Hi Jess, I've had someone say that too, and she said it so casually like it was no big deal.  It really hurts.  I hate it. I'm 2 1/2 years out and there's no way I'm ready or even interested in another man.  Can't even comprehend it.  I just want to say to those people , its way more complicated that you can imagine. And my pain and suffering is so complicated.  Other people just have no freakin idea. 

Comment by LP yesterday

Hi Jess,

i know how people who have not been widowed can say the most patronising things without meaning too. No one says to my stepdaughter “you can get another dad”, but they say to me that I’ll meet someone else, as if my husband were replaceable. Another thing they say is “at least you were happy” without realising that is why I’m so unhappy now- that is the great thing that I lost. I have developed selective hearing now and try to screen out those thoughtless platitudes. Try to pay little attention to what the nonbereaved say; they really don’t know what to say. 

Comment by only1sue yesterday

I am 71 so way older than you Jess but I was widowed at 65 and still got the "youll find someone else" comment. I think it is meant to be comforting. You will eventually build a different life which may or may not include another partner and another family. In the meantime it is one day at a time and finding your way back to whatever your new normal is going to be.

Comment by jesigirl87 on Friday

Hi everyone

My name is Jess. I’m 31 years old and was widowed on September 28, 2018. It was around this time last year we found out my husband Tony had kidney cancer and not even a year later he was gone. I am a cancer survivor myself and am lucky enough to have won my battle after 3 months of grueling radiation treatment at the beginning of last year. We didn’t have any children yet - we had my eggs frozen just before I started radiation as I knew it would put me into early menopause. And unfortunately cannot have children yet until I find a surrogate and save up the money to do so. So at the moment just have two cats to keep me sane.  I’m hoping to connect with someone to help me through this awful journey I now have to do on my own. Maybe even another widow who understands how hard it is to be widowed and childless. I already have endless friends and family making suggestions that “you’ll meet someone else cause your young” or “you can always adopt or foster”.....

Thanks for listening and hope to get to know you all soon.

Comment by NancyD on September 4, 2018 at 9:25am

Hi Nataliepin.  Wish I could give you a hug! I understand completely your comment "We discussed his passing at length but somehow it still seems so unexpected, like it shouldn't have happened yet even though we knew it was coming."  I felt the same way when my husband died.  It seemed so shocking even though that seemed crazy since we knew for many months that he was terminal.  And we had talked about it and done planning for what my life would be like without him.  I think it's just who we are as humans---we can't "prepare" ourselves for the death of our beloved.  It's always a shock.  You are very new into your loss and your feelings are totally understandable.  I certainly felt similarly.  Yes, low expectations right now!  Getting out of bed IS an accomplishment.  Pat yourself on the back.  Do whatever you feel you need to do, one day or one moment at a time.  Be gentle with yourself.  Grieve.  Things WILL change for you, probably very slowly, but for now just stay in today let yourself grieve.  Your love for him remains, and always will. I find great comfort in believing that I am still loving, and still being loved by, my husband.  I don't understand how that works, but I do believe and feel it.  It doesn't negate the terrible loss, but it is comforting.  

Comment by Nataliepin on September 4, 2018 at 8:36am

Hello all, 

I'm almost a month into the loss of my husband. He was 24, as am I. Osteosarcoma took him from me and I have been dreading this time for so long. We found out he was terminal 5 days after our wedding. He was my high school sweetheart, my best friend, my other half. I feel like someone cut me in half. We discussed his passing at length but somehow it still seems so unexpected, like it shouldn't have happened yet even though we knew it was coming. I hate that there is time left for me that I can't experience with him. I hate being alive without him. I wish so much that it was me instead. I am still so into my grief that I don't know what to do or where to go. At his funeral someone asked me if I was going to work or school/ what my plans were. My plans?! I can barely expect myself to get out of bed at this point. 

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on June 17, 2018 at 10:04am

Riet - I know exactly what you are saying.  I have a neighbor and friend who complains about her husband all the time.  He's a nice man, but I don't live with him so I can't judge.  But she also realizes that she loves him and someday he may not be with her.  So I listen and don't offer advice unless she asks.  No one is perfect and there were times I had my complaints, too.  And yes, now, I'd give anything to have Don's little quirks in my live again. 

The Widow's brain lasts for a while sometimes - we are all different.  Some days I feel like I still have it but then I wonder if it's maybe age creeping up on me.  I write shopping lists, then go the market with out them only to come home and find the list in my purse.  Now I write them on my phone.  Then I may go out and forget to take my phone!  But somehow, we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and somehow find ourselves living our lives.  Hugs.

Comment by LP on June 17, 2018 at 6:15am

Yes, Riet and Cynthia, as Joni Mitchell once sang, you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. I’ve had a woman who was bitterly divorced say to me, ‘ oh it would have been so much easier if he had just died’. Really. 

Some people will simply not know what to say. It is so true that you have to go through this to understand how to respond.That’s why you can come to this website, and people whom you’ve never met will recognise instantly what you are going though. Always remember it’s alright to be sad -  you’ve got every reason- and of course you miss him. That is love.

 

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