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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 760
Latest Activity: on Saturday

Discussion Forum

Neurodegenerative disease MSA anyone else?

Started by LP. Last reply by LP Jan 24. 8 Replies

my husband died in Feb’18 of a rare condition called Multiple System Atrophy, a form of Parkinsonism, for which there is no treatment. He gradually lost all ability to move, speak, swallow, blink and…Continue

Not like the Movies

Started by Snow. Last reply by CaliforniaGrieving Aug 27, 2018. 10 Replies

In 15 minutes I will have passed my third day of being a widow. I have been bracing myself for this pain for 10 years, when my beautiful husband of 26 years was first diagnosed with advanced…Continue

how to handle life now

Started by nayajivan. Last reply by Mamitha May 11, 2018. 3 Replies

Hi,I have lost my wife Archana on 12th March 2018.19 years of Marriage..2 beautiful and lovely sons - 17 and 14 years..15 years of battle against 2 deadly diseases - Kidney Failure and AIHA...9 Years…Continue

Tags: sons, marriage, AIHA, dialysis, failure

Unexpected Emotions

Started by Snow. Last reply by Linda C Mar 3, 2018. 10 Replies

I had braced myself for the grief of loss, unbearable loneliness, some other things too awful to write about, but I'm also starting to feel quite hurt and let down by some people. Is this normal?…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Kimba on January 11, 2019 at 1:59pm

Hi Susan,  Like you I hate when people say that prostate cancer is the best kind of cancer to get, as if there isn’t any bad cancer to get.  This was my Don’s third occurrence and it came back stronger than ever.  I believe that his two previous treatments only left the strongest cancer cells in his body.  For us, the last two years were hard when Don was fatigued and nauseous all of the time.  But, we still lived, travelled, ate out and continued to live our lives.  My Don was so courageous and strong in his fight — it,was an inspiration.  

‘Thanks for,writing and have a great weekend!

Comment by Kimba on January 11, 2019 at 1:53pm

Only1sue:  For me taking care of my Don was the best and the worst time of my life.  I felt so honored that he would let me in during his darkest hours, yet it was stressful with lots of precipitory grief.  I know I did the very best for him — giving 110%.  Putting his needs in front of mine all of the time.

Now, I am finding my way without him and it is both scared and exciting.  There are still periods of grief but there are also small moments of Joy.  Like you, I will never not miss him but I know that he wants me to be happy.  So I just put one foot in front of the others, every day that I can.

Thanks for writing and have a great weekend.

Comment by only1sue on January 11, 2019 at 11:57am

Kimba, I looked after my husband Ray for twelve years with multiple strokes.  He died at the end of 2012. The life of a long term caregiver is hard whatever the cause. All I can say is we did our best and now we deserve a peaceful life. Hope you find some joy in the life you lead now. I will never stop missing Ray, we had 44 years together.

Comment by booktime (Susan) on January 11, 2019 at 5:59am

Kimba,  That is so hard. Ed died of Prostate Cancer, probably Stage Four, in 2013. Watching the decline was so very hard. But we were blessed that he had 10 years from diagnosis and it was only the last year that was so very difficult.

What's hard for us is that many folks say that is the best cancer to get....not in our cases.

Hugs to you. I am here and feeling what you are going through.

Comment by Kimba on January 11, 2019 at 5:43am

Just joined this group.  My husband Don passed away from Stage Four Prostate Cancer, exactly five years after he got the diagnosis.  I took care of him for those years watching a steady decline in his health, his energy, and his person.  It was so hard to be supportive and upbeat while I knew he was dying.  He died in May 2017 from complications in his brain.  And I miss him every day.

Comment by Kaydee on December 10, 2018 at 8:32am

@Jess.. Hugs to all of you to have to go through this.

My hubby also passed from kidney cancer. Treatments for 4 1/2 years. I took care of him most of those years. His sisters helped also. Then when he is dying they accused me of killing him. My gosh cancer is what is killing him! All because he made a comment that it was killing him to go through all these treatments.

So I was not allowed to take care of him the last few days. Just to give him water. Round the clock. When the hospice nurse came, I was not allowed to talk to her in private. Very controlling women.

My hubby was also very controlling. Married for 38 years and he was 58. Five years in October he passed.

At the funeral I was not family anymore. They wouldn't talk to any of my family or friends.

They wanted to be involved with his funeral planning. I said no, just my 2 sons and me. Also wanted it to be a private burial, nope very public with many friends and family.

I don't talk to them anymore. It is sad because  my sons missed out.

I am also a cancer survivor. Got breast cancer 7 months after he died. Radiation for 30 days. Not fun.

I met a very nice man on ourtime. We have been together for 3 years. He is also a widower twice over.

He is completely different doesn't smoke or drink. We are not married but we are in our hearts.

I wasn't happy in my marriage. I was treated like I had no brain. So some people do look for others to fill that void. Take care everyone!

Comment by MFARM on December 9, 2018 at 5:26pm

My husband died almost seven years ago after 54 years married. I was 72 at the time.  One of my husband's best friends called me not long after  and wanted  to know when I was going to remarry.  I said a I couldn't  imagine  any man in this house except  my Benedick.  He said " You might just have to move." In the mean time   two days later and said she thought one husband was enough.  My daughter wondered  if they ever communicated  in their 55 years together.  Well, I've made lots of new friends, keep very busy,  and miss my husband every day, but I still can't  imagine being attracted  to anyone but my Benedick.

Comment by Riley on December 9, 2018 at 12:25pm

Hi Jess, I've had someone say that too, and she said it so casually like it was no big deal.  It really hurts.  I hate it. I'm 2 1/2 years out and there's no way I'm ready or even interested in another man.  Can't even comprehend it.  I just want to say to those people , its way more complicated that you can imagine. And my pain and suffering is so complicated.  Other people just have no freakin idea. 

Comment by LP on December 9, 2018 at 12:09pm

Hi Jess,

i know how people who have not been widowed can say the most patronising things without meaning too. No one says to my stepdaughter “you can get another dad”, but they say to me that I’ll meet someone else, as if my husband were replaceable. Another thing they say is “at least you were happy” without realising that is why I’m so unhappy now- that is the great thing that I lost. I have developed selective hearing now and try to screen out those thoughtless platitudes. Try to pay little attention to what the nonbereaved say; they really don’t know what to say. 

Comment by only1sue on December 9, 2018 at 11:41am

I am 71 so way older than you Jess but I was widowed at 65 and still got the "youll find someone else" comment. I think it is meant to be comforting. You will eventually build a different life which may or may not include another partner and another family. In the meantime it is one day at a time and finding your way back to whatever your new normal is going to be.

 

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