Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Long-term illness

For those widowed by cancer AND other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

We now also have a "Long Term Illness" discussion forum in the PERENNIAL main forum. Questions? Widville@gmail.com

Members: 559
Latest Activity: yesterday

Group greeters

Dianne in Nevada and Celestia have agreed to greet and coordinate for this group! Thank you, ladies!

Discussion Forum

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by my roses on Tuesday. 23 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

Grief and release at the same time?

Started by Germaine. Last reply by icecream Apr 14. 15 Replies

I am aware of two different forces acting from within me.  One is the downward weight of grief. The other is an upward energy that comes from the release from caregiving.  After 16 years of part time…Continue

Anyone ever have a sense of peace?

Started by Timetoheal. Last reply by Maria Louisa Mar 6. 32 Replies

Has anyone been doing normal chores or random things around the house and had a feeling of calm or peace come over them? As if your loved one is standing there with you or just brushing by you to let…Continue

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Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) yesterday

Hi Susan. Thank you for your comment. I smiled when I read that you brought out two chairs:) I do that as well. Who wants to look at one lonely chair? Two chairs keep us company...Hope you have a good week and take care of yourself!

Comment by booktime (Susan) yesterday

Jocelyn, Ed loved spring too so I am missing him. But there is a sense of renewal too for me. I brought out the porch furniture yesterday. I toyed with the idea of just setting out one chair but brought both up. I am surprised that I look at the two chairs and don't feel too sad. I bought the set for his birthday many years ago.

But I'm glad I brought them out and intend to enjoy them!

Yes we will make it.

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on Monday

Good morning, WV friends. I'm still learning about this process. My sweet husband of 37 years has been gone 17 months and 20 days. Didn't have too much angst about missing home during Easter festivities, as the kids and I broke from our usual routine and did some different things. Found, however, that I was really, really missing him last night. Only our second Easter without him. He love Spring. Feeling sad and lonely and blue this morning. I guess it comes with the widow/widower territory. At least I got thru yet another "holiday" without him. This is tough, but I will make it. Hugs and love to all of you here!!

Comment by wildflower on April 17, 2014 at 2:54pm

I agree with all of you we do have to move on however hard it is.  I really miss my husband as it's only been six months.  But I try to surround myself with people and do things I enjoy.  I do enjoy what I am doing and at the same time it is bittersweet as my husband is not here to share these moments or hear about them from me.  I enjoyed a three week trip to Florida and sailed to the keys and spent two nights on the boat sleeping.  enjoyed doing other things with family while there.  And yesterday,even though we had a dusting of snow, I went on my first bike ride with the bike club I joined.  Peace to all of you.

Comment by icecream on April 16, 2014 at 10:51pm

lonelyinaz, hope you can find some peace tomorrow.

Comment by lonelyinaz on April 14, 2014 at 6:46pm

I was thinking the exact same things this morning.  Coming to the one year without him on Thursday, and I was thinking what long hard years of sickness he went through, and me along with him all the way through.  And, I also said out loud "thank you Lord for letting me have him for so long, but I am so grateful that his suffering is now over and would not want him to have lived through another year with that monsterous brain tumor".  And, I actually felt better or more peaceful somehow today.  Like maybe I should feel more happy for him, and then less sad for me because he is not suffering.  And, of course, I know I should feel that way, but then the grief wave comes in.  Thx for posting this topic.  Hugs all the way around.

Comment by MFARM on April 14, 2014 at 12:49pm

only1sue, Mford4, I definitely hear you. Lewey Body dimentia was ours to deal with . It's a mean one. Works like a roller coaster. Somedays  could be almost normal and sadly you knew the delusions and halucinations would return and be worse than before, like  up and down steps, but always on the downhill spiral. Medications only made things worse. I too am meeting lots of new friends, going with my kids, and doing things I couldn't do before. However even though they can sometimes even be fun, there's never joy like with your mate. Here I am healthy , should be thankful, but I actually feel once in a while like I don't belong on this earth anymore. It will be two years in June. I hope and pray that these things wll improve for us all, and that some joy will return.

Comment by Germaine on April 14, 2014 at 12:11pm

Marlene, I agree on all points.  Some days I just feel like I am being carried forward to whatever is next.  Two days ago I felt a stabbing yearning....but realized the yearning was for what was long, long ago.... today I am back focused on "today"..... You know the popular phrase now "paying it forward" ?  I think for some of us the long term caregiving was paying it forward on the angst and pain of grief.  I totally agree that wherever any of us are on this journey we need to be gentle with ourselves.  We have survived a lot.  It is time to heal in whatever ways possible.

Comment by Mford4 (Marlene) on April 14, 2014 at 10:14am

Sue, boy do I get it too.  My Pat was sick for 13 years and the last 8 of it bedridden for most of the time.  I was where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do, loving and caring and trying hard not to see that light coming at me at the end of that tunnel.

As I have passed through these past two years without him (I cannot believe it has been 2 years already) I find I go from wishing I had what we had together as a young family to a sense of relieve that those last years are done.  I was exhausted, tired, lonely, and feeling very isolated with it all.

Today and sometimes just today...I find myself busy and doing things I never had the time to do before or the ability due to circumstances and to tell the truth, I am finding joy in most of those moments.  Sure I wish I had that special person to share it with, but I also realize I have a choice...to choose to live the best I can or stay forever in the pain and sorrow of it all.  

There was even a man who showed interest in me...but he had a liver transplant 9 years ago, has diabetes that he does not take care of, and all I could think about is I don't want to take care of anyone that way again, as I have things on my to do list.  It made me feel very selfish, but I am not going to walk into something like that.  It was one thing to care for the man I deeply loved through his illness and eventual end days, it is another to do it just because.  I don't have it in me.

Be well Sue and others out there who struggle with being alone.  This is not an easy journey and one none of us would choose if there was a choice that could have been made.  But for those of us who endured years of caring for our ill partners the situation can get even more complicated in it's dealings and for that we must all be gentle on ourselves.  Best to everyone!

Comment by Germaine on April 14, 2014 at 8:52am

I totally relate.  Bernie had so many diagnoses over the years. When I yearn to have him with me again I realize it is the Bernie from at least 15 years ago who I am missing.  In the end he was missing himself, I was missing him;  He was missing who I had been before being his caregiver and I was missing myself, too. It was just a hard, hard time.  I look back and marvel that I survived.

 

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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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