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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 715
Latest Activity: 6 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Anyone ever have a sense of peace?

Started by Timetoheal. Last reply by DaninKansasCity 16 hours ago. 39 Replies

Has anyone been doing normal chores or random things around the house and had a feeling of calm or peace come over them? As if your loved one is standing there with you or just brushing by you to let…Continue

Feelings of freedom, guilt, sorrow and loneliness

Started by Nacho2017. Last reply by Steve Apr 13. 16 Replies

My name is Rich and Nacho is my dog.  I should start off by telling you a little bit about me.   My soul mate (Patti, passed away may 15, 2016) had Multiple Sclerosis for 30 Yrs.  The last several…Continue

Tags: Nacho

Looking to Put Together Resources for soon-to-be-widowed

Started by Mozzie. Last reply by Athena53 Apr 8. 42 Replies

I found being the spouse of a terminal person very frustrating.  We were getting care at a prominent hospital, and there were social workers, but I didn't feel like anyone ever gave me useful…Continue

What are your thoughts about "Dating"?

Started by Patience (Diane). Last reply by Athena53 Jan 6. 10 Replies

What are your feelings about "dating"? As a person who was a long term caregiver, do you sometimes have mixed feelings? Have you joined a dating site? Do you NOT want to date?

Comment Wall

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Comment by I_was_here 6 hours ago

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories with me.  Booktime:  yes - grief comes in waves, although most of my days are spent grieving Jake, some days I am still missing my mom.  She died at 63.  Terry:  I can't help but be a little jealous over the years you got to spent with her, but I know there's a plan for us all and it's better if I just stay out of trying to control that.  And Slick:  you are walking through my second biggest fear. I pray that someone is there for you like you were there for your husband years ago, even if it is surgery and chemo cream.  

Comment by Slick 18 hours ago

I_Was_There and everyone else here.....I don't have much to add.....except my prayers....I too was a FT caregiver...Bill was dx at 51 and passed at 54 ..I was it unless he was hospitalized....I was 3 years older ..retired when he was dx so I could be a FT caregiver..it's been 6+ years......and I have no regrets of leaving my job so young...or being with him and caring for him on a constant 24/7 basis....it was hard...very  hard....but we all do what is best for our spouse and ourselves....I spent my first year, catching up on sleep and my own health...eating right....going to 2 grief groups, spending time with my daughters and grandchildren....my friends have either passed young or walked away when Bill passed so I was very much alone....it took me 5 years to get used to being alone so much, but I did....in those 5 years I volunteered at a specialty cancer treatment center that my husband was treated at and loved every minute of being there...and then after 2 years it started to wear me down.....my youngest had her first child and I started to "volunteer for me and my family" I did donate all of his clothing to the Cancer research center....within a couple of months...and then just recently whatever I had left to Homeless Veterans....4 months ago I met a nice man, we're very much alike, he's empathetic and has compassion for me, what Bill went through since his death was lengthy and extremely painful for almost 4 years....his conversation and companionship are welcomed....not a hot and heavy romance....good friends...I appreciate it....one day at a time folks...it's all we can do....through my grief I had part of my right lung removed due to lung cancer , no treatment needed after the surgery....now I have had skin cancer eruptions twice....this one is different and being treated with a chemo cream.....and I;m facing shoulder surgery....so hard being alone....I am glad I have my friend in my life now...he does buffer some of the blows......God bless all.....and may we all find the peace we need in our hearts..

Comment by Terry 20 hours ago

I_Was_There, like so many people feel, after being my wife's caregiver for 5 years, I felt completely lost when she passed a little for 2 years ago.  I remember leaving the hospital that morning having just left her bedside where she had died about an hour and a half previously, my first thought walking towards my car was 'what now?'  When I arrived to my house, immediately upon entering the room her medical equipment such as walker, oxygen machines etc. seemed to emphasize the fact to me that she was no longer coming home.  I immediately called the oxygen supply company and they were here within a half hour to clear their stuff out.  Everything else I had to clear out such as meds, wheelchair, walker etc.  I think in my mind at the time I believed that if it was gone I wouldn't see it as a constant reminder.  I believe anyone who has gone through this knows that there is no escaping it in any way.  Although she spend a good part of her last 3 months in the hospital, even there I played a huge role in her care as she told the nurses she wanted me to do a lot of her personal care etc. as I am the only one who knew what she needed.  Thankfully they were quite happy to give me that role.  It was a major shock to all of a sudden have nothing to do.  After 3 weeks I returned to work but found that I no longer had any passion for that job.  I recently left that job and am in the process of trying retirement at the pretty early age of 57.  I promised myself a year to just have time to take care of myself and then i will reassess at that time.  What I have found is that although it has never gotten great, it has gotten better over the last two years.  I actually enjoy time on my own now.  I go to bed when I like, get up when I like and fill in the time between with whatever I feel like doing.  I was very fortunate that Anne and I were married for almost 27 years and had been friends for 5 years before that.  She almost died 1 year into our marriage due to a cardiac emergency so I can definitely understand how you did not have enough time with your husband.  I remember at the time when they didn't know if she would pull through, thinking how could I have finally found happiness in my life to have it ripped away after such a short time.  My thoughts are with you as your travel this difficult path.

Comment by booktime (Susan) 20 hours ago

Hello I_was,

So sorry for so many losses. It is hard being the caregiver so intensely and then ... nothing. For me, now it seems long ago (4 years this Sept) but I remember the transition was hard. I threw away all of his medical stuff almost immediately.

I just lost my mother on March 7 (she was 96 so a good long life). I find myself going through the same fuzzy and unfocused moments as I did when Ed died. I am guessing it is grief I am feeling.

It is a roller coaster ride. Hugs to you. You sound solid - this doesn't assume how you should feel or anything. You are, I guess, solid in how you are feeling and I think that is good.

Comment by I_was_here yesterday

I'm new here and not sure really what to post, but it's late and I'm not sleeping yet although I just told myself I would.  

I lost my husband on January 31st of this year.  We had 3 short years together, 15 months spent with the threat of stage 4 lymphoma.  He was beautiful, soulful, happy and loving - even through his disease.  I miss him so much.  

I find myself now mostly wound down from the constant battle mode - reading every possible medical publication about his disease and the next treatment, scheduling appointments, making sure his weekly meds box was filled (and emptied), watching for signs that the disease had spread back into his brain and finally full time caregiver in his last month.  Not to mention kept my job and maintained a loving relationship with, and took care of my daughter.  Followed by the massive amounts of paperwork and loose ends to tie up with all the agencies and companies we have accounts with. I'm thankful for the friends we have in this world.  

I've spent the past few months getting back to work, meeting with my grief therapist (long time relationship as we lost my daughter's father and my own in 2007 and my mom in 2014), general grief groups, visits with our friends and found myself kindly and greatly supported but dying to talk to other people who had lost a spouse.  

For me, I didn't lose a 30+ year marriage, but I lost my best friend, my spiritual match, my love and I lost a future we had planned together.  My poor daughter's lost a dad and stepdad before she turned 16.  Like a roller coaster ride, I'm savoring the moments that I'm able to stay in gratitude for the experience we had together and letting myself just be sad and mad and lost when I need to.

Comment by Beansy on February 21, 2017 at 9:13pm
Hi. It may seem odd that I have been a widow for 20 years. Norm became ill with heart failure when he was 37. He died at 47 in 1n 1997. I have been alone since then. I still miss him and always will. Beansy
Comment by GrandmaH on January 25, 2017 at 10:32am

I just went to the website below, followed the directions as explained and will wait the 72 hours to see if I receive the email explaining how this will work.  Seems that we will receive 3 questions a week for several weeks and then, receive a free copy of the "finished" book once it is completed.  As a contributor, there is no cost.  

I browsed a few minutes on the website and see that this author has written and continues to write many books about various illnesses and conditions and, with the help of us who want to contribute our own story (in the way of answering the questions each week) she is able to publish a book about, in our case, cancer loss.  Let's hope this is not a scam of some sort. Knowing Diane has said she has contributed before, makes it sound like a way we can share our experiences with anyone willing to buy the finished product.  I'm heading into my 12th week without my best friend and husband of 57 years....seems like it is getting more difficult than easier as time goes by.  But I am trying and will continue to welcome each day as the gift that it is.  Tom would want it this way and that is how he lived his final 14 months of life.  Hope you all have at least a bit of joy today.

Comment by Kerryn on January 25, 2017 at 8:51am

I found the book - clicked on it, took me to an order option - could choose as a contributor - cost was the $0.  I'm wondering if that is the "registration"?  That is the only thing I can think of as there was no other link it seemed as far as being able to sign up/register as a contributor.

Comment by Patience (Diane) on January 25, 2017 at 7:51am
Dianne, I too had trouble navigating the web site- it kept bringing me back to the "home page" no matter what I did. At one point it asked me for my email and name, but then again simply brought me back to the beginning...
Comment by Slick on January 25, 2017 at 4:49am

Diane..I couldn;t get to where I had to be....got into the second phase...but then couldn't find "through the eyes of cancer" anywhere...

 

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