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I had braced myself for the grief of loss, unbearable loneliness, some other things too awful to write about, but I'm also starting to feel quite hurt and let down by some people. Is this normal? There was a girl at work who lost her grandfather last fall, I spent hours comforting her, letting her sit in my office and shut the door so she could have some privacy when she needed a cry, helping her with paperwork. It's been 5 days and she hasn't even sent me an email saying sorry for my loss. Same thing with another co-worker, I helped his mother move when her husband got dementia and they had to downsize, not heard a word from him. Do they not know how much it would mean just to hear a kind word? I just hate feeling this way on top of everything else.

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Because many people are either stupid or unaware or uncaring, while someof us are  the opposite, you will find this from many. It is hard to take when you expect the opposite. But most people are afraid of death, and try to deny it happens. Please don’t make it your problem, and please find comfort from the people who mean it.beans

Thanks Beansy. This site has been a lifeline. Yesterday someone dropped some documents off for me and asked me "was I feeling better now"? Like my cat had run away or something. I just stood there with my mouth open. I couldn't think how to answer. Four days ago a had a husband. I'm not better. But five days ago, I was probably just like them, saying hurtful things to people and not even a clue that I was doing it.

Is it normal?  I say yes, everything feels a bit odd, and that’s normal. Emotions go every direction.  As for other people, I believe they mostly don’t know how to react, what to say to us.  They don’t want to say the wrong thing, and really almost everything is the wrong thing. Feel hurt...  it’s ok.  Feel angry...it’s ok.  My opinion is let the feeling come, allow them, and allow them to flow away as well. Trying to fight off all the feelings that come with grief is exghausting.   Allow the flow.   Hugs 

  • Hi. It is true to go with the flow mostly. But I had a different grieving time. I spent so long denying Norm had died, because he had benn sick for too long. He was too young. For me the grieving started when he got the diagnosis. After he died, I spent years denying he was gone. He was my whole world even though now I know i am my world. I don’t see well, and have not since I was 8 when I had a brain bleed and brain surgery. I have always been an emotional mess. beans

Snow - everything you are feeling is quite normal.  You are not crazy.  I went through the same thing.  My own family didn't even come around with the exception of my nephew who is 5 years younger.  People were there when he was sick and then all disappeared when he passed.  Allow yourself to feel and know that people really don't know what to say and really uncomfortable with their own feelings.  Find people will support you.  I had to let people go and find new ones.

My experience has been similar.  I think that admitting a death close to them makes people think of their own mortality.  It's not so much that they are thoughtless, they are fearful. I can almost visibly see married women pull away from me because my husband's death might some day be their husband's death.  What I have learned is that you have to be there for yourself. Give yourself all the attention and care you need, when you need it. My thoughts are with you.

My husband passed almost 3 years ago and I thought I was doing pretty well with the emotions.  I went to visit a friend of mine this weekend and low and behold the emotions just flooded out of me.  I spent 12 years total caring for my husband.  I never realized how much the whole experience took out of me until he passed.  I am comfortable with my feelings but when the emotions come up suddenly like this, I do not know what to do.  God bless all

Agree, diring the time Norm was sick and when he died was 10 years. Wr knew it was incurable, and I did grieve during that time. He really took care of himself, but he stopped working, our lives were forever changed, and we knew it. So when he died, I was not ready for it because it happened so fast. Nothing had changed that I could tell. That was 20 years ago. I will always love him. Below are two pics. The first is a lot of us on a mountain in Virginia. Norm is the tallest.

the other is when we built our house

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My husband passed after 7 years with dementia.  To see this once brilliant mind going from what it once was to,peeing in wastebaskets because he did not know where the toilet was beyond devastating.  I grieved before he passed especially when I had to place him in assisted living but the grief was different after he passed.  I thought much of my grieving was done but I was wrong.  After he passed it was the finality of it all. 

I have been silent for a long time on this site due to large amounts of my grief and crying. My husband lasted 4 years after beening diagnosed with Lewy body dementia with Parkinson’s. I lost him in pieces and when he died I lost all of him again. I wanted to hold on to any part of him I could even though he was only there on and off. I cry every day and no one in my family has any idea that the pain is so physical that you feel like you are going to throw up. My son-in-law got upset with me because I did not lock the door back after letting in the dog a couple of times when my husband was in his last week of life. My brain could not remember anything at the time but my husband, my soul mate was dying on me. You know when they complain about such minor things that they have no idea what your going through. But the pain is so hard to bare. I am so tired of all this pain. All I want to do is be with my husband. I miss him so, so much. I hate living now. I am just waiting to see him again. For me too it was the finality of it all.

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