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How do I answer the comments that haven't come when I talk about the things that happened to Arlene around two holidays? She had her first heart attack on Christmas eve day 2012 on dialysis as we were trying to come back from Hurricane Sandy and the 2nd just before Thanksgiving 2 days after the amputated her right leg. I am going to try not to mention those two events during the holiday get togethers but they might slip out. I am just waiting for....drumroll please...

"Don't think about it"

"Think about happy things"

"Be positive, then bad things won't happen"

"Try to forget about it"

And all the rest.

How do I keep from going into battlemode? Other than just getting up and leaving.

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Replies to This Discussion

Nobody knows what to say to us.  I know its not fair, but if people do say something like what you listed above, it makes me mad. It also makes me mad that people and family pretend my husband didn't die.  Life goes on for them same as usual .  For me, I feel like my life is on the endangered list.  

You will never fotget it, you will always feel her there, you will miss her, you never get over this loss. I am 20 years since my husband died, and I know. It gets easier, it eventually feels good to realize you once were with the other person and are lucky you were to have been. Idon’t want to make it seem as bleak as it feels in the beginning. It doesn.t. Being with myself has made me like me, and I am not afraid of being alone. beans
Oh, holidays, who cares? Too many questions in the beginning and then avoidance later because of making people think about their own mortality

Don - 

I wish I had some infinite wisdom on how to answer these comments; maybe you don't answer.  Maybe you just nod and try to smile and walk away.  We know these comments don't help at all, but I think people just don't know what to say, and their own discomfort often is behind these types of comments.  My husband died in 2010, and I miss him every day.  I know for some of us it gets easier; for me, it isn't easier but it is different.  Maybe not as intense.  I don't have meltdowns anymore, but I will always miss him.  I can look at it now and see how lucky I am that he chose to spend his life with me and what a wonderful man he was.  I'm ver fortunate that I don't run into comments like these, but when I have, I've simply smiled and walked away.  It's much easier than trying to answer them, and yes, it makes me mad, too, but you can only control yourself.  There will always be people who try to appease our grief with stupid comments.  

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