Long-term illness

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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on August 13, 2012 at 5:45pm

Ah, Tim, yes they sure can be emotional. My husband's urn is sitting on a shelf under his big TV, along with photos and mementos. It's been there since I brought him home about 10 days after he died. I don't know if I'll stay here after I retire, so I don't want a permanent niche here in Nevada. The funeral home gave me a separate small packet of ashes to use for a locket or to spread and I carry that with me whenever I travel. Sounds a bit crazy, but it really does make me feel better to have a part of him with me on trips.

Comment by Brandywine Gal on August 13, 2012 at 5:07pm

Roberta

I am so glad I have no pictures of Steve after he became ill.  It is bad enough those memories of him so frail at 120# and 6'.  All the photos of him smiling and healthy are erasing those images of his frail body, looking so old :-( and depending on a breathing machine, and his half open glazed eyes in a coma.  It is fading, thank God.  39 years of clear beautiful intelligent eyes, sweet smile, and handsome face is what I am going to remember.  The hospital images are already fading.

Comment by t2 on August 13, 2012 at 4:52pm

My wife's urn is finally ready. She's finally going to be in her resting place. Emotional day. Then again...aren't they all?

Comment by Brandywine Gal on August 13, 2012 at 4:49pm

Roberta

I felt that way too, sort of a pause, everything was in slow motion and foggy.  After his memorial June 3oth things began moving again and I felt so lonely.  It's been 2 months and 5 days now and I am beginning to feel stuff again.  I know getting ready for the cruise and having a deadline of I must finish everything by my fly out date of less than a month away is helping too.

Take deep breaths Roberta, it takes time.  Be gentle with yourself.  I talk to Steve often in the evenings.  I fondly remember those memories that our 39 years together gave us, actually 40 since we met in August 1972

Comment by Brandywine Gal on August 13, 2012 at 4:44pm

They say the first year after such a loss of a spouse is the most difficult.  Many pass away within that first year.  I know we watched my mom closely the first year, daddy was 72 and she was 66 and had just survived ovarian cancer.  Well, she made it until 3 weeks shy of 87!

I do myself wonder if something drastic will happen to me in the first year-it's not uncommon.

My son told me that dad told him that" he and I both were very sick."  This surprises me as it was before he was diagnosed.  Maybe he just knew.  And as far as I know I have nothing wrong, not even my BP.  OK so I could loose 20# and I am going to go on a diet.  It's been 2 months since Steve passed, and I know it would help my back to loose the weight.  Besides I'd fit my clothes better for the cruise, be able to walk faster and easier.

Comment by Ava on August 13, 2012 at 4:38pm

I have had a horrible day today.  I talked to social security office about benefits for my children, I had to put widow on official papers for the first time, I got his death certificate.  I went to clean up his office.

Yes, it was a war and my family lost.

Comment by ebwilkie on August 13, 2012 at 4:26pm

Ava - we've been to hell and back.  I liken our experience to those who went to war.  We were in a war and our loved one died in our arms after we tried everything to help them.  I think its worse than war - it was our better half and not a stranger and it lasted a long time!  Try to do everything to share your feelings - talking, journaling, this site, etc.  If we don't get it out it will eat us up from the inside out - just like our husbands cancer.

Comment by Brandywine Gal on August 13, 2012 at 4:16pm

I find this thread very interesting.  My mom had ovarian cancer and survived for another 22 years after both chemo and radiation.  Yet when her dog had cancer she said she wouldn't put her through the treatment.

I am sure that is why I have always said if I had a serious cancer that required chemo/radiation I'd pass.

My husband might have had a cancer as he passed so quickly and lost 50+ pounds in 5 1/2 months.  He was diagnosed with Liver, kidney, blood issues.  He kept telling our doctor the previous six months he thought he had stomach cancer.  He had such a lower gut ache all the time and diarrhea constantly.

Liver biopsy showed fatty liver and some healed inflammation.  They diagnosed him with cryogenic Cirrhosis but no cirrhosis on biopsy.  He had been exposed to volatile chemicals in the reformulation and packaging of paint and thinners due to VCO regulations back 20 years ago when he oversaw Sherwin Williams merchandising and plants.  After his death our doctor said she felt there must have been a cancer involved-colon? pancreatic?  no tests were ever done for this.

He really didn't suffer that much from pain.  He slept more and more and became weaker and weaker.  During his 11th hospitalization he slipped into a coma and passed away.  He had just been released on Sunday night at 7 and was rushed back in the AM.  It just doesn't make sense.  Death certificate lists cause of death: Septic Shock and Extreme Metabolic Acidosis.  They had him on dialysis at the end as his kidneys had failed, 12 different IV's, breathing machine, and they couldn't maintain his BP and they tried 3 meds.  UCSF and Stanford agreed to take him if they could stabilize him.  They couldn't.  He was 60 years and 2 months.  So young.  His parents are in their mid 80's, grandparents lived to mid 90's.  We were married for 39 years and that was a blessing filled with great memories including awesome travels, raising our family and loving our 4 grandkids.  They all live close by.

Comment by Ava on August 13, 2012 at 4:14pm

I was hoping chemo would worked for John.  he wanted to stay around for his children and this beautiful life.  he thought some of it was worth it.  The last few weeks he was done though.  I stayed with him every minute, he was at home, he kept saying i love you.  This grief is killing me.

Comment by ebwilkie on August 13, 2012 at 4:10pm

Exactly, Meema!

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