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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 747
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

Not like the Movies

Started by Snow. Last reply by riet yesterday. 9 Replies

In 15 minutes I will have passed my third day of being a widow. I have been bracing myself for this pain for 10 years, when my beautiful husband of 26 years was first diagnosed with advanced…Continue

how to handle life now

Started by nayajivan. Last reply by Mamitha May 11. 3 Replies

Hi,I have lost my wife Archana on 12th March 2018.19 years of Marriage..2 beautiful and lovely sons - 17 and 14 years..15 years of battle against 2 deadly diseases - Kidney Failure and AIHA...9 Years…Continue

Tags: sons, marriage, AIHA, dialysis, failure

Unexpected Emotions

Started by Snow. Last reply by Linda C Mar 3. 10 Replies

I had braced myself for the grief of loss, unbearable loneliness, some other things too awful to write about, but I'm also starting to feel quite hurt and let down by some people. Is this normal?…Continue

With the holidays upon us...

Started by Don. Last reply by goingon (Cynthia) Nov 18, 2017. 3 Replies

How do I answer the comments that haven't come when I talk about the things that happened to Arlene around two holidays? She had her first heart attack on Christmas eve day 2012 on dialysis as we…Continue

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Comment by t2 on April 6, 2013 at 12:37pm

Saw this article today. Rings so true for me...and I'm sure for most of you.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/31/pierce-brosnans-first-wife...

Comment by patarky on April 6, 2013 at 12:04pm

Lack of concentration!  That's the new "normal" for me.  I'm 159 days from wife's death, and most days are a blur. I work, and sometimes I'm effective, but often my mind wanders to "better days" and I either break down or get lost in thought for an hour.  I tried a test yesterday, I had a Dr's appointment of my own, right next to the hospital we spent the last 5 years going to and from at all hours of the day and night, sometimes me following the ambulance, most of the time together going to and from labs, chemo, tests & procedures.  It's about an 18 mile trip each way, so I thought I could just take the same route home, go right by MD Anderson and then home.  Spent most of the trip crying.  She should have been there with me.  Venting is all right - we have this place to do it, because too often friends, co-workers, and even relatives ask about you, how you're doing - but they want and expect you to say, "Oh, I'm doing fine, things are getting better" -very few times do they really want to know the truth, and that's the value of having friends here.  We all get it - it affects us in different ways and for different times, but we all understand and appreciate what you're going through, and to the extent we can, help you make some sense of it by sharing experiences and how we get through each day.  I had an employee of my bank that had just helped me tell me that she thought I must be a very happy person since ZI always had a smile when she saw me - I wanted to expound on how wrong she was, but settled for "It's the Prozac."

Patrick

Comment by lillymarlene on April 6, 2013 at 11:21am

Hi, I have been reading these posts and they are some comfort that I'm not alone. Some of my background is that I was forced to close my brick and mortar location 2010, and then the last few years my boyfriend and I had been living off of my online business and his SSDI check. We also didn't realize how sick he really was and was about to become. He ended up with multiple illnesses. Neuropathy sometimes made him immobile, he suffered from multiple infections and his colostomy gave him trouble. For two years I really didn't want to seek "outside" employment. I just couldn't bear the thought of cutting into my time with him.

Obviously I'm in a very bad way. At the age when most people look forward to their retirement, I have to go out and work. I also have not worked outside of my family business for 30+ years. I'm now doing temp work in a factory.

Then sometimes I think I'm all right, but I'm really not. Last night at work was just horrendous. Even "mindless" tasks I guess require some mind. About an hour before the shift end, my "team" was assigned the task of packing large plastic "dohickeys" into boxes. Of course they would only fit a cetain way. It was very simple, but I felt like such an idiot... I was very tired and just couldn't get it. A nice man kept showing me how to do it, while a couple of people looked at me like I had 3 heads. I just wanted to run away and/or cry.  I CANNOT CONCENTRATE. Then I don't really know any of these people there, and feel I can't even mention that I've had a death in the family. All this stuff also makes "small talk" with acquaintances, so damned difficult!

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on April 4, 2013 at 11:10am

Oh my, Kittus, I am so sorry. It is so soon for you and I can recall how I felt at that point.  I wish there was an alternative for you - and perhaps the potential of being fired could end up being a blessing, giving you the extra time you need.

I worked for our GM when my husband was diagnosed. Two weeks later, after two emergency surgeries and while he was still in ICU and not doing well, I received a phone call (oh - it was also on my birthday) telling me this was "just too hard" for her because she needed me to be available 24/7, so she was bringing back my predecessor. I can still remember how I felt that night. But looking back on it now, it was the best thing that could have ever happened. There's a whole lot more to my story, but just know that now - at 2.5 years after losing my dear husband of 41 years - I'm doing well.  I still have those hard days (Easter surprised me as being a really blue day) and I still miss my husband, but I'm learning how to live this new life - my first time ever of living alone. I don't like to say that 'time heals' but it does have a way of softening the edges of our grief, making it possible to live a productive life. We'll be here for you - just as WV has been here for me most of my journey.

Comment by Kittus on April 4, 2013 at 10:11am

One of the persons involved in the conference call who no longer works for the company called to tell me shortly before I went on full FMLA.   I got 2 weeks vacation in January so I used that up immediately.  I have been off unpaid for about a month now.

I wish my CEO (I report directly to her) had as much compassion as yours appear to have.  

Comment by Kittus on April 4, 2013 at 9:56am

I have lost about 10 lbs since February and I can't sleep more than say 5 hours.  I am now easily awakened when I didn't used to be.  Just every thing is weird!

Comment by sueprnova on April 4, 2013 at 9:17am

And if, at some point they would hire you back..all the better.  Yeah, I told my boss, when I realized that I couldn't focus...that I needed to quit.  The offer is open to return but I don't want a full-time commitment any more.  And I want to do something that actually has some meaning.  

Your focus won't return for some time.  And that's ok.  Cry when you need to...but just remember to make sure you eat....and try to sleep.  We all know what you're feeling...

Comment by Kittus on April 4, 2013 at 9:10am

Hi Sueprnova... I will have some life insurance that could probably carry me a month maybe two, BUT will still need to work. 

This CEO had a conversation with our corporate office about how soon after my FMLA was over could she fire me.  She doesn't know that i am aware of that conference call that she had.  So I am hoping she will fire me soon so I can at least get unemployment.  Nice thing to have to deal with after the death of your soul mate...

I can't focus now (almost 3 weeks after) I don't know how I am going to focus at work.

David passed at home so this is where I feel the closest to him...I really don't want to leave the house.  

Comment by sueprnova on April 4, 2013 at 8:59am

Shannon, I am so sorry for your loss. Your grief is so fresh and raw and it's a shame there isn't some extension of benefits.   I too was on FMLA to take care of my husband...and I hate that once he died...*poof*  all done.  I wrote a letter to my Congressman regarding this very issue.  

I went back to work and then quit.  I didn't care and couldn't focus ...thankfully I had life insurance $ to back me up.  

I will keep you and your family in my prayers...

Comment by Kittus on April 4, 2013 at 8:38am

My name is Shannon and I lost my husband to Stomach Cancer on March 18th.  I was on intermittent FMLA from my job for dr appts and chemo appts...and then in February when David started to really deteriorate I moved to full time FMLA.  Now that my husband is gone, I have to return to work on April 8th.  

Our daughter who is a Medical Assistant and I cared for him almost exclusively with Hospice.  Our other daughter and son do not have an inkling of medical background and were at times not very helpful.  Medical assistant daughter is mine from previous relationship and the other two are his from previous relationship.  Ironic that David's STEPdaughter was the one that helped me the most and is here for me now.

From February to March I was scared to death know what was coming and now that it is here I am just a "basket-case"  I am not ready to go back to work but my bills have to get paid and the creditors will not sit still forever  

I just want to get through one day without breaking down.  I just don't think that is possible.

 

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