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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 783
Latest Activity: May 1

Discussion Forum

Angry Long Time Caregiver

Started by Alani. Last reply by rwgtmg Apr 8. 3 Replies

I have spent the last 12 years caring for my husband who passed away on February 10, 2020.  He had Hep C which became cirrhosis of the liver and eventually  turned into liver cancer.  After a liver…Continue

I'm lost

Started by Ozzy turtle. Last reply by Kerryn Mar 27. 8 Replies

I'm new to this. My husband passed away on January 2,2019 from respiratory failure after a 10 year battle with COPD.We were married for 6 years, together for 9. Now I'm completely lost without him. I…Continue

Neurodegenerative disease MSA anyone else?

Started by LP. Last reply by LP Jan 24, 2019. 8 Replies

my husband died in Feb’18 of a rare condition called Multiple System Atrophy, a form of Parkinsonism, for which there is no treatment. He gradually lost all ability to move, speak, swallow, blink and…Continue

Not like the Movies

Started by Snow. Last reply by CaliforniaGrieving Aug 27, 2018. 10 Replies

In 15 minutes I will have passed my third day of being a widow. I have been bracing myself for this pain for 10 years, when my beautiful husband of 26 years was first diagnosed with advanced…Continue

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VOLUNTEER
Comment by Soaring Spirits on May 1, 2020 at 11:53am

Check out our Telethon for HOPE live streaming on https://soaringspirits.org/ or on the Soaring Spirits International Facebook page. Kelley Lynn did a keynote and Cindy is doing a cooking lesson right now. Non-stop entertainment all day today until midnight Pacific time and then we're back at it tomorrow from 10am to 10pm Pacfic time. 

Comment by LP on March 28, 2020 at 2:10am

DIVA70, I too was a carer for my husband. He developed Multiple System Atrophy (like Motor Neurone) which gradually paralysed him totally. It hurt him to see me become his carer, but it was a privilege - I couldn't bear the thought of anyone else taking care of him, also because of the intimate nature of his needs - feeding, toiletting, washing, treating pressure sores. It broke my heart but I would do it all again, no question. 

Comment by booktime (Susan) on March 28, 2020 at 2:02am

Book girl, I am sorry you are here. Something you wrote brought up a memory for me. My husband and I were driving to Dana Farber in Boston for an appt.. We were on 93 which is an awful road. It was spitting rain and snow at us.  And an accident happened just before us! I was driving and I swerved, praying no one was right behind me. Pieces of the accident were flying everywhere - my car got hit by one piece.

You can imagine how shaken we were. Ed said never again! And then we learned that there was a branch location for DF in New Hampshire, half an hour away! Why we were never told this....

We ended going there for a few years but did not like the doctor at all. He had no warmth and didn't really seem to care.

Our final team consisted of a Dana Farber doctor with a local doctor. Both were excellent and were willing to work together, even to the point of the DF prescribing a very new drug not yet approved and the other doctor monitoring.

Whew, these memories. Brucer, your post too raised all those memories! Waiting for reports, hoping, hopes being dashed, waiting for reports, etc. And all the different treatments.

It's been 7 years for me too.  Ed had 11 years so I count myself blessed I had him. And really only the last year was hard but it was excruciatingly hard.

I never know if it is good to revisit these memories but I do know each time I do it is differently. In the beginning it was just too hard and all I could remember was him so very sick. Now I can remember and balance those memories with the really good ones.

Hugs to all. Sorry for the long post,

And Book Girl, you aren't alone in this at this time. This solitude is nothing I bargained for and it is difficult. We get it.

Comment by only1sue on March 27, 2020 at 6:29pm

I think the "Long term illness"  group shows the power of love. I looked after Ray for the last 13 years of our 44 year marriage. It was a privilege but not always a pleasure. But it was also a thank you for the years he was our bread winner while I raised the kids. He was always a hard worker and a good father to our children. I have been a widow for seven years. I have had a few dates but no-one comes up to the standard he set for me.

Comment by Brucer on March 27, 2020 at 5:12pm

I so despised blood tests and scans.  It was something you could get so focused on and waiting for results was heart wrenching!  Cat scans, PET scans, CA125, white count, Uhhhhggg!  Hope this site helps comfort you book girl and DIVA70.....

Comment by DIVA70 on March 27, 2020 at 11:17am

 I too am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I met in the 6th grade. We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to different high schools but reconnected when he returned from Viet Nam and I was in college. I was 22 and he was 24 when we married so we had been together over 50 years when he passed away in 2018. I think it's hard for people to imagine a couple literally growing up together but that's what you and I and so many others did. So not to have that person with you seems so strange, so not right....My husband bravely dealth with multiple health issues over the last 20 years. I was his primary caretaker. Some of the comments people make suggest that I should be happy not to be burdened with what that entailed. I have to remind them that as hard as some days were it was NEVER a burden. It was actually a privilege and a honor. I don't think we will ever get over our loss but I do believe we will be able to get on with our lives. Don't think it strange when you feel overwhelmed.....It will be two years in April and I have had too many meltdowns to count! But it seems like your husband was a fighter.....so was mine! I think they must have loved life to fight as hard as they did....so let's be fighters too! Take care of your health, especially during this worldwide crisis. I hope this site will be a place of encouragement and hope for you. God bless.

Comment by Brucer on March 27, 2020 at 10:51am

Hi book girl.  I am sorry for your loss.  Your story hits home with me.   My wife battled ovarian cancer for 8 years.  Hospitals, doctor visits, chemo treatments, teetering always on blood test results!  We met when we were 15 and dated since 16, married at 19 for 34-1/2 years. (she passed 7-1/2 years ago).  Making the transition to this widow journey is unreal at best.  I plow ahead as best I can.  The loneliness is ridiculous and the silence is deafening!  I wish you all my best.

Bruce

Comment by Lisa_says on January 12, 2020 at 2:33am

Thanks LP 

I know this will be a slow journey for me.  Some days I know I can do this, some days...not so much

A big hug to you

Lisa

Comment by LP on January 11, 2020 at 12:25pm

Hi Lisa,

that sounds familiar to me. My husband Chris died in Feb 2018 from lo long-term neurological disease called multiple system Atrophy, and was his carer for the last 4 years as he became completely disabled. It was so exhausting but also a privilege. I would put up with all the sleepless nights and endless wrestling with wheelchairs and hoists again just to have him back.

.The first year Is weird on Planet Widow. I just re,e,her putting one foot in front of the other, not really knowing what I was doing. The pain was exhausting, and it still drains me as I enter the third year, although it’s less so. I’m just starting putting my life back together, but I know now that it can’t be rushed or forced, and no one - especially people that haven’t lost a spouse- cannot tell you how to do this. But trust yourself and re,e,her the love.

Comment by Lisa_says on January 11, 2020 at 11:11am

My Husband Doug died Dec 6th 2018 a little over a year ago. He battled brain cancer for 8.5 years.  I was his caregiver.  He was my better half.  Married for 20 years.

It was an honor to take care of him. I do think it took its toll on me mentally.  I was the "fearless we will get through this" person for him. When inside I was terrified but never showed it to him.  He was scared and going through enough.

Now I find myself with anxiety and fear .I miss him more than any words can ever explain.

First year widowed has been a blur of just existing . I'm hopeful this gets better over time. No human could possibly survive feeling this relentless pain and disconnection from life year after year.

Hugs to all who need one.

 

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