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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Long-Term Illness

For those widowed by cancer and other illnesses or long term conditions that required caregiving.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

Patience (Diane) is your group greeter.

Members: 751
Latest Activity: Sep 4

Discussion Forum

Not like the Movies

Started by Snow. Last reply by CaliforniaGrieving Aug 27. 10 Replies

In 15 minutes I will have passed my third day of being a widow. I have been bracing myself for this pain for 10 years, when my beautiful husband of 26 years was first diagnosed with advanced…Continue

Neurodegenerative disease MSA anyone else?

Started by LP. Last reply by riet Jun 2. 6 Replies

my husband died in Feb’18 of a rare condition called Multiple System Atrophy, a form of Parkinsonism, for which there is no treatment. He gradually lost all ability to move, speak, swallow, blink and…Continue

how to handle life now

Started by nayajivan. Last reply by Mamitha May 11. 3 Replies

Hi,I have lost my wife Archana on 12th March 2018.19 years of Marriage..2 beautiful and lovely sons - 17 and 14 years..15 years of battle against 2 deadly diseases - Kidney Failure and AIHA...9 Years…Continue

Tags: sons, marriage, AIHA, dialysis, failure

Unexpected Emotions

Started by Snow. Last reply by Linda C Mar 3. 10 Replies

I had braced myself for the grief of loss, unbearable loneliness, some other things too awful to write about, but I'm also starting to feel quite hurt and let down by some people. Is this normal?…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by riet on May 21, 2018 at 12:22am

Dear Cynthia,

Thank you for your kind answer: I only now see what grieving can mean.  My husband and I didn't give it much thought .  He only once asked what I would do after his passing.  And I answered : going to study again.  That satisfied him and we never talked about it anymore.

He refused to talk about anything that involved his death.  Now I am asking myself if that was him doing so because he wanted so, or him protecting me for grief?

Thousands questions go through my head. I can't ask him anymore.  The only thing I know is: he wanted to live, to live and to live.

Even on his last day, he did some exercises to practice his almost paralyzed hand.  In the last weeks he got paralyzed all over his body and yet he didn't want to give up.

And indeed: seeing we were blind.  We refused to see.  But he no longer could live.  What that terrible disease did to his poor body is undescribable. As I am sure you know.

I am glad you tell me , things will go on.  But now I am only stumbling.  And stumbling we always did together, and got somewhere.  How can I do so without him? Even with all possible help you can imagine.  From good friends, from dear neighbors, from our children and grandchildren.  But there is this black hole where he should have been.  He was my light everywhere.

Thank you so much for listening to me.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on May 20, 2018 at 11:04am

Dear Riet -

I too lost my husband to cancer.  He had inflammatory bowel disease for the 31 years we were married, and he was always fighting something in his body - this terrible illness.  He had rectal cancer, and that was what took him in the end.  Our daughter's were with us when he died; but that last moment when he took his last breath almost too mine, too.

People well tell you a lot of things.  You only have to do what you can do.  And yes, you will go on.  There were a lot of days that i walked around the house thinking I couldn't live one more day with out him.  The pain was unbearable.  Then I'd think of my daughters, and ever though they were grown, I couldn't orphan them; I couldn't say to them that were not worth sticking around for.  So I stayed.  It will be 8 years in November that he died, and although in someways it gets easier, in many it doesn't.  It changes; it gets different.  But I still have a hole in my heart.  I still have that empty ache.  I still get teary when I think of his death and I miss him as much today as I did when he first left us.  But I know he's not suffering now; and that brings me a bit of piece.  I have to believe we'll be together again some day because otherwise I don't think I could stand it. But since his death, we have 4 new grandsons.  And I am able to see them grow and it is wonderful.  I talk to him every day, I tell him look at our beautiful daughters now and see how far they've come, and what amazing parents they are.  He was only 57 when he died, but he just couldn't fight anymore.  His body was worn out.  

It is scary to think about handling the future alone.  Somehow, we manage.  We find people who help us.  We find people who love us and want us to be there, and eventually we find some kind of joy in life... it's not the same as it was; it never will be.  We accept that.  We put one foot in front of the other, and take it day by day, hour by hour,, sometimes minute by minute.  But we stay here and we go on because if for no other reason, we think they would have wanted us to.  

I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you found Soaring Spirits.  They saved my life.  You will miss him every day; as we all do.  But this is a wonderful supportive community.  I found nothing but love and support here and I have made friends.  Please come back as often as you need to.  You are in my thoughts.  

Comment by riet on May 20, 2018 at 10:08am

Reading a book, I discovered this website.  English is not my native language. Please forgive my awkward language.

I lost my husband on the 20th of last April. He fought  an aggressive brain tumor. And despite an average surviving rate of 15 months, he had exactly 4 years.  He was 73 and on the 1st of May, we would have been together for 50 years. We were in a very tight marriage. The only thing important for my husband was his family. He lived for us every moment. He wanted to have a big party on this first of May.  In stead, we celebrated his life on that day.

My husband loved living so very much. He didn't want to give up till the last moment.  He took every therapy what was proposed to him. And hoped to live till he was a 100 years old.  And despite the heavy treatment all this time, we had hopes.  He came out of the statistical data and we thought it would last that way.

It did not.  From about September 2017, his condition became worse every day.  And still, seeing,  we were blind. We hoped and hoped.

We never consulted any internet paper about his disease. We only accepted what the doctors told us. If we had done so, I believe my husband had given up fighting a long time ago, because with this cancer he had no chance at all.

Our 3 children and grandchildren however knew all about it and I only now see how lonely they must have felt , not being able to discuss all this with us.

He died in our own house. I was with next to him.  Our children and grandchildren had left a few hours before, not expecting him passing that night.  He cried when they left.  Now that hurts me so much.  I still want to hug him and he is no longer here.

He was nursed by our daughter this last month. She did this so gentle and kind.  She and her daddy were two of a kind. 

His grandchildren had come to sing and bring his music  on their guitars to him this last day.  He liked classic rock and was so happy and proud they shared his his interests.  They miss their granddad so much.

I want to tell his story a million times.  His photos are all around me.  I am surrounded very well by caring people:  our kids in the first place. But also our neighbors and friends. 

But I don't see how to go on now.  They all tell me not to think very far ahead, and live by the day.  But I can't help feeling scared.  My husband and I did everything together. And now?

Thank you for being able to tell you this.

the best to all of you

Riet

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on December 31, 2017 at 11:11am

If you don't have plans this evening, pop into the chat room to ring in the new year with other Villagers. You are not alone. We'll be there for all US time zones from 11pm Eastern to 12:30am Pacific.

http://widowedvillage.org/chat


VOLUNTEER
Comment by Soaring Spirits on December 25, 2017 at 7:23am

We're hanging out in the WV chat room for anyone who finds themselves alone on Christmas day. Join us!

http://widowedvillage.org/chat

Comment by adoption1964 (Kim) on November 7, 2017 at 6:57am

Phoenixring: I just read your post in July.  You are writing my story.  I am just into my 6 month of widowhood.  My husband was diagnosed with a type of cancer in November 2016.  The final and official diagnosis was January 23. 2017.  He passed May 2, 2017 Stage IV Kidney cancer.  He did so well for a while, but the last 2 weeks were so tough for he, my daughter and I we were the primary caregivers.  We had hospice help at the house 15 mins 2x a week.  I gave him all the meds and breathing treatments. Hospice was brought into the picture April 19th 2017 and he passed May 2017.  Watching him fade away at home was the worse thing in the world.  I was thankful for the time however he wasn't always clearing thinking.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on November 2, 2017 at 7:10am

Terry and only1sue... I too am going though health issues and miss my husband being here to help me.  Terry one thing you said - you don't want to ask people to drive you when you need a driver.  I've had that issue; it's very hard for me to ask for help.  It always has been.  But I've also learned that sometimes I need to reach out and just do it, as hard as it is.  If someone I ask to drive me to an appointment for a procedure can't do it, they say so.  So I take some comfort in having those few friends I can ask, who are glad to help when they can.  

Comment by booktime (Susan) on November 1, 2017 at 2:34pm

Oh yeah, only1sue, I can totally relate. There is no one to care for me either. I think it's ok for us to have blue days. Take care of yourself and hugs.

Comment by only1sue on November 1, 2017 at 2:32pm

I have been through a recent health scare and want to wail:  "Where is my caregiver?  I cared for everyone else why is there no-one to care for me?"  I know I will get over it, I always do, but just for a day or so how nice it would be to be pampered and looked after.  Okay I am having a blue day and will be better tomorrow but I know some of you long term caregivers will be able to relate to what I am thinking..

Comment by Fluffycat52 on September 26, 2017 at 1:52pm

Hi everyone, my husband had Congestive Heart Failure he passed away on June 12th 2016 he was ill for a year and a half, he was on Hospice almost 6 months from Dec 24, 2015, until he passed away on June 12th. It was sad to see him suffer but he is a free Spirit now he is at peace with God now. I miss him a lot but not suffering. Hope everyone has a good week. Lisa C.

 

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